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Original poster

Ex trying for access. Help

57 replies

Smallmum55 · 29/09/2021 19:03

Hi everyone,
So I had recently posted about my ex and got a lot of good advice. So I'm back and asking for more!
Bit of back story, My ex attacked me at the start of 2020 and was arrested. A few weeks after this I found out I was pregnant. We never got back together (obviously) but he knew I was pregnant and he would swing between wanting to be involved with the baby and sending me horrible messages saying he hopes the baby dies and he wants nothing to do with it.
During this 9 month period he also stalked me, damaged my car, constantly harassed me and attempted suicide on my door step as I didn't want to get back with him. He was arrested numerous times for all of this and it went to court this year (He was found guilty of domestic abuse and got community service and I got a 3 year non harrasment order against him)
Anyway, about two weeks before baby was born, ex met someone and dissapeared off the face of the earth. No contact at all, he's never asked about baby, never even met the baby and he's not on the birth certificate.
Baby is a year old now and like I said, the ex has never been in contact.
BUT Last week him and his partner moved into a house just up the road from mine.
Now ex has no reason to move to the village I live in, no family here, doesn't work near here, didn't even know the place existed until he met me....and you'd think this would be the last place he'd want to live after all that happened!
I can't understand why he would move here and I'm really worried that despite him never having contact with baby, he's moved here as he's planning on trying for access at some point.
What do you guys think? Should I be worried?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 29/09/2021 19:05

What does the non harassment order say? Is he allowed to live that close to you?

Original poster
Smallmum55 · 29/09/2021 19:13

@lunar1 It is just for him to stay out of my street and keep a certain distance away from me.
I don't think there is anything I can do about him moving here, he bought a house that's close to me but still about a 5 minute walk away. I just don't understand why he's done it.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 29/09/2021 19:14

Surely he isn't allowed to come near you.

Have you still got his messages hoping the baby dies. Keep all the abusive messages ready to submit to the court, should he even try.

Pinkbonbon · 29/09/2021 19:19

I think I'd move. I would not want this nutter knowing my address, let alone living near me.

The second he has a bad day with he will look to take it out on other people he perceives as having wronged him.

It sucks, but move. And in the mean time, get a camera doorbell.

Shelddd · 29/09/2021 19:22

@Pinkbonbon

I think I'd move. I would not want this nutter knowing my address, let alone living near me.

The second he has a bad day with he will look to take it out on other people he perceives as having wronged him.

It sucks, but move. And in the mean time, get a camera doorbell.

I agree with this.

It shouldn't be like this but unfortunately it is. I would move if you can, if you need to be in same town because of your family or other reasons maybe just move to another area of it if possible and be careful who you let know where you live.

Original poster
Smallmum55 · 29/09/2021 19:34

@Pinkbonbon @Shelddd
Unfortunately I can't really move far away for the time being.
My daughter is at school here, my parents live here and i depend on them for babysitting the kids when I'm at work and I also work here. In time I will move away but i just can't at the moment. The place is so small that if I move somewhere here he'd find me anyway...and I can't move a decent distance at the moment.
@MintJulia I do still have the messages. They were also submitted as evidence in court during his trial.

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 29/09/2021 19:38

Dont give an inch. Get the ring doorbell.

Theunamedcat · 29/09/2021 19:41

Contact the police do they know how close he has moved to you?

lovelybitofsquirrell · 29/09/2021 19:46

Check the order and see if he is allowed to live that close.

Get a ring door bell.

Do not allow any access back into your life.

Let your immediate neighbours know the situation. - they can keep an eye out.

Is your daughters school aware ? I'm assuming he isn't her father, but probably best they are aware incase he tries anything.

Original poster
Smallmum55 · 29/09/2021 19:53

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn @Theunamedcat @lovelybitofsquirrell
I'm not sure if the police know. Would they be told about him moving address? I know he has a court appointed social worker that keeps in contact with the courts to let them know if he's attending his community service but I don't know if police are still involved.
I'm not planning on letting him have access if I can avoid it but it's just such a shock as he honestly dissapered before baby was born and never contacted me at all.
I have no idea why he's here but I can only guess it's to try for access Sad
It's also strange the gf agreed to to the move as I know the police had to tell her what he'd did. You'd think she would have talked him out of moving so close to me.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/09/2021 20:07

@Pinkbonbon

I think I'd move. I would not want this nutter knowing my address, let alone living near me.

The second he has a bad day with he will look to take it out on other people he perceives as having wronged him.

It sucks, but move. And in the mean time, get a camera doorbell.

This. Shouldn't have to as it's so unfair but it sounds like the best thing for you and your child. And if it's an in demand area where properties go quickly, I would ask the estate agent not to put a for sale sign up and to instead offer viewings directly to appropriate candidates. Just so you don't do anything he can keep an eye on. Then I would get out and not go back x
youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/09/2021 20:08

Sorry I didn't see your most recent post.

I would 100% speak to the police about it to see where you stand.

Poor you, it must be so unsettling for you Thanks

Original poster
Smallmum55 · 29/09/2021 20:47

@youvegottenminuteslynn
Yeah it's very unsettling, especially because I have no idea what he's up too, why he moved here, what he's planning on doing....I thought it was all over after he was sentenced at court so it's a total nightmare that this has happened.

OP posts:
Brollywasntneededafterall · 29/09/2021 20:49

If he contacts you tell him the dc isn't his. Would he pay to take you to court for dna testing?

lunar1 · 29/09/2021 20:50

Contact the police. He has moved as close as he is legally allowed to be to you. That's not a coincidence or an accident. They don't give an order like this for three years lightly.

Pinkbonbon · 29/09/2021 20:55

I know it's not the same for everyone but if my kids were in your situation I'd be like 'right, pack your shit, we're all moving away'. Whatever kept my family safe.

The school thing is inconvenient but really not a big deal unless your kid is 14+ and due to take exams.

Seriously op, you know there is a monster near your home who may mean you harm- heck, he may even mean you kid harm. I'd boost on out of there as fast and far as you can.

Talk to citizens advice about any money you might be entitled to (to help with nurseries ect if need be).

Pinkbonbon · 29/09/2021 20:57

And talk with your parents. Like I said, they might be perfectly happy to move with you in order to keep this nutter away from you and their grandkid.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/09/2021 21:03

He hasn't applied for contact though?
Don't assume you know what he's doing. Try to stay calm.

Pinkbonbon · 29/09/2021 21:17

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

He hasn't applied for contact though? Don't assume you know what he's doing. Try to stay calm.
I agree with not to assume she knows what he is doing.

This man attacked her, stalked her, damaged her property, wished her child death. And that was BEFORE she reported him to the police and gave him an actual reason to be pissed and a criminal record.

Now, just 1 year later, he has moved to her home town when he has no reason to be there.

We have no idea what he is doing. None. But i guarantee - it's nothing good.

Try to stay calm? Sure, whilst packing your shit as fast as you can and getting the hell out of there!

Lifeishitsometimes · 29/09/2021 22:57

Oh he has a new partner and I'm sure he has spun her the 'i'm misunderstood, me, if I can't have my kid in touch with me regularly I'm gonna move close so I can work toward seeing them, love the bones of that baby etc etc etc" line...

I'd also move. If you're on a low wage you could get govt vouchers for childcare. Schools are changeable. Jobs less so.

We really should have a domestic abuse social security benefit in this country.

category12 · 29/09/2021 23:20

His girlfriend will believe some twisted version of this from him, and may be encouraging or supporting him, ignoring or justifying what the police have told her.

I would move. No forwarding address.

Before he makes some move for access or attacks you.

Maybe your parents could move as well?

REignbow · 29/09/2021 23:30

You are NOT wasting the polices time here. He was convicted of DV and he is not allowed near you. You need to contact them for advice and I would also contact WA as well.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 29/09/2021 23:36

@Pinkbonbon

I think I'd move. I would not want this nutter knowing my address, let alone living near me.

The second he has a bad day with he will look to take it out on other people he perceives as having wronged him.

It sucks, but move. And in the mean time, get a camera doorbell.

I'd do this too if possible. Shouldn't be that way, but that's the reality of the situation. I wouldn't feel safe with an ex like that living close by.
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 29/09/2021 23:39

Sorry should have read the thread.

Original poster
Smallmum55 · 30/09/2021 07:18

@Brollywasntneededafterall unfortunately he's in a decent job (as obviously he never told them about his conviction, as I'm sure they would have let him go if he did) so money is not a problem for him and he would probably pay for a test and any other court/lawyer fees Sad

OP posts:
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