Ex trying for access. Help

[Smallmum55]

Hi everyone,
So I had recently posted about my ex and got a lot of good advice. So I'm back and asking for more!
Bit of back story, My ex attacked me at the start of 2020 and was arrested. A few weeks after this I found out I was pregnant. We never got back together (obviously) but he knew I was pregnant and he would swing between wanting to be involved with the baby and sending me horrible messages saying he hopes the baby dies and he wants nothing to do with it.
During this 9 month period he also stalked me, damaged my car, constantly harassed me and attempted suicide on my door step as I didn't want to get back with him. He was arrested numerous times for all of this and it went to court this year (He was found guilty of domestic abuse and got community service and I got a 3 year non harrasment order against him)
Anyway, about two weeks before baby was born, ex met someone and dissapeared off the face of the earth. No contact at all, he's never asked about baby, never even met the baby and he's not on the birth certificate.
Baby is a year old now and like I said, the ex has never been in contact.
BUT Last week him and his partner moved into a house just up the road from mine.
Now ex has no reason to move to the village I live in, no family here, doesn't work near here, didn't even know the place existed until he met me....and you'd think this would be the last place he'd want to live after all that happened!
I can't understand why he would move here and I'm really worried that despite him never having contact with baby, he's moved here as he's planning on trying for access at some point.
What do you guys think? Should I be worried?

@lunar1 do you think the police will be able to help? It was a court ordered non harrasment order and the case is now closed so they won't help.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee That's what i don't understand. He's never shown interest and its been nearly a year since baby was born. Fine we had the court case and he wasn't allowed near me but I'm assuming he could still have tried for access of some sort if he wanted to in that time but why else would he have moved here if not for baby? That's what's confusing me.

I think you need to speak to the police and a solicitor about this mans plans to move so close to you. It's too much of a coincidence.

Can you imagine how he will explain his absence and lack of financial support to a judge? He is imo all talk.

@Pinkbonbon Yeah it's awful. I don't know why he's here and I feel like now that the case is closed that the police won't care.
I know it sounds a bit dramatic but I'm terrified.

[quote Smallmum55]@Pinkbonbon Yeah it's awful. I don't know why he's here and I feel like now that the case is closed that the police won't care.
I know it sounds a bit dramatic but I'm terrified.[/quote]
But you won't know until you contact them. Just because the case is closed doesn't mean the restraining order is too. You don't know he's trying for contact either so the title does mislead a little.

@category12 @Lifeishitsometimes
Oh yeah I've no doubt hes told the gf a bunch of crap. I'll be getting made out to be the bad guy. He did the same with me, told me a sob story about how his wife left him and was cheating on him...turns out she left because he was a nightmare to live with...there was no cheating.
He'll be on his best behaviour with her now too so she won't see what he's really like.

@Marjoriedrawers Sorry, I was trying to keep the title short and I'm pretty sure he will be planning on trying for access as he has no other reason to live here. Yeah I will be going to the police. Even if they can't do anything I should at least make sure it's on record that he's moved close by.

Thing is though I'm just thinking surely if that were the case he would have tried before now rather than waiting until after moving to the area? I can understand your concerns but there's a small chance you may be over thinking this. It may not even be him that wanted to move there but perhaps met someone from the area who wanted to live there?

Maybe he's just playing games and has no interest in the baby but wants to unsettle you.

If I were you I would contact the police and explain the situation and ask for advice. As others have said get a ring doorbell so you can see who is there.

@Marjoriedrawers
That's exactly what the sensible, calm part of me says - he would have tried before now, if he wanted to see baby he would have made an effort to do so....but then I panic as I can't see any other reason for him to live here.
As far as I know his gf lived in a different city but you're right, it might not be the same gf or she might have a new job here.
It's crazy though as you'd think this would be the last place he'd want to live, especially in a house a stone's throw from mine.

[quote Smallmum55]@Marjoriedrawers
That's exactly what the sensible, calm part of me says - he would have tried before now, if he wanted to see baby he would have made an effort to do so....but then I panic as I can't see any other reason for him to live here.
As far as I know his gf lived in a different city but you're right, it might not be the same gf or she might have a new job here.
It's crazy though as you'd think this would be the last place he'd want to live, especially in a house a stone's throw from mine.[/quote]
But it might well be the last place he wants to live for all you know. He might be just as unsettled being near you in case she finds out. That's what I mean about not over thinking this just yet. Talk to the police first then look at protecting yourself with cameras.

@imonlyhooman
I hope that's all it is. As weird as it sounds I actually hope he's just trying to worry me and that's all there is to it.
He's not made himself known though...as far as he knows I don't even know he's there.

Dig out the court order. It will tell you how near he can get to you and how long it lasts.

I had various orders put in place around 20 years ago. The case has long since closed, however the orders were given for life.

Do contact the police (none emergency number) and if needed their DV unit. There are steps that they can take to help protect you including panic alarms. Victim support can also be helpful in these situations.

OP, few points:

I take it he knew where you live rather than having found out? Moving near to you could well be additional harassment (behaviour that causes distress or alarm) so definitely contact the police on the non-emergency number to let them know. They need to be told and may put a marker on your house so if he does decide to show up they’ll come out quickly.

What are the terms of the order? Read it carefully and find out what he is and isn’t allowed to do. He can’t just break the order without consequence. Even if he hasn’t breached the order, his behaviour still needs to be reported to the appropriate people.

Are you still in contact with him? Is he still messaging you?

How did you find out he moved?

If he’s not on the birth certificate then he doesn’t have parental responsibility so does not have an automatic right to access. Stop using headspace worrying about him getting access as he would need to go to court and ask to be put on the birth certificate before he can insist on it. That would take ages at the moment. If your parents look after DC then maybe keep them informed and say that he is not allowed access to DC.

Did you have a solicitor/victim support worker etc for the court case? Might be a good idea getting in intact with them to let them know what’s going on.

Why has he done it? Because he can, because he wanted…it doesn’t really matter. Harassing someone is a form of abuse and he is clearly an abusive person. Abuse is all about control. Whatever his “reasons” for moving 5 minutes away from you, it will be to show he can still do what he wants and can still control you. It’s like getting in someone’s face to intimidate them. Since you’ve found out you’re wrong-footed wondering why he’s moved near, if he’s going to ask for access, why he’s here, what’s his plan. You’re constantly thinking about him and that’s what he wants. He’s moved his girlfriend (someone who has nothing to do with this) 5 minutes down the road from you. He has no problem changing someone else’s life to further his control over you.

Don’t get stuck on the whys and wherefors. All you need to know is that he’s doing this as a form of control, it’s abusive and he’s probably breaking the law by doing so.

@Lolapusht

OP, few points:

I take it he knew where you live rather than having found out? Moving near to you could well be additional harassment (behaviour that causes distress or alarm) so definitely contact the police on the non-emergency number to let them know. They need to be told and may put a marker on your house so if he does decide to show up they’ll come out quickly.

What are the terms of the order? Read it carefully and find out what he is and isn’t allowed to do. He can’t just break the order without consequence. Even if he hasn’t breached the order, his behaviour still needs to be reported to the appropriate people.

Are you still in contact with him? Is he still messaging you?

How did you find out he moved?

If he’s not on the birth certificate then he doesn’t have parental responsibility so does not have an automatic right to access. Stop using headspace worrying about him getting access as he would need to go to court and ask to be put on the birth certificate before he can insist on it. That would take ages at the moment. If your parents look after DC then maybe keep them informed and say that he is not allowed access to DC.

Did you have a solicitor/victim support worker etc for the court case? Might be a good idea getting in intact with them to let them know what’s going on.

Why has he done it? Because he can, because he wanted…it doesn’t really matter. Harassing someone is a form of abuse and he is clearly an abusive person. Abuse is all about control. Whatever his “reasons” for moving 5 minutes away from you, it will be to show he can still do what he wants and can still control you. It’s like getting in someone’s face to intimidate them. Since you’ve found out you’re wrong-footed wondering why he’s moved near, if he’s going to ask for access, why he’s here, what’s his plan. You’re constantly thinking about him and that’s what he wants. He’s moved his girlfriend (someone who has nothing to do with this) 5 minutes down the road from you. He has no problem changing someone else’s life to further his control over you.

Don’t get stuck on the whys and wherefors. All you need to know is that he’s doing this as a form of control, it’s abusive and he’s probably breaking the law by doing so.

We don't even know that he knew where she lived yet do we? Maybe I missed that.

Contact the police first.
You need to understand what is concerned in the order. How close can he come? What if you happen to be in the same shop etc. Know your rights. Contact the police every single time he breaches it.

It is not a coincidence. Even if she has family/job in the village they didn't have to move 5 mins away. That's intentional.

If he wants access let him take you to court. Fight him every step of the way. Speak to a solicitor to find out what you can do to block access.

@Lolapusht @Marjoriedrawers
Yeah he knows where I live. When he was stalking me he would constantly be outside my house and that's where he attacked me.
I found out as the house he bought is on the route I walk to get my daughter from school so I seen his car there and himself there and from that point a friend in that street told me that they had moved in the previous week. Obviously i don't walk that way now but that's the way i walked for years.

@Lolapusht
@canigooutyet
@MadeForThis

Unfortunately the order just covers me and my street.

[quote Smallmum55]**@Lolapusht* @Marjoriedrawers*
Yeah he knows where I live. When he was stalking me he would constantly be outside my house and that's where he attacked me.
I found out as the house he bought is on the route I walk to get my daughter from school so I seen his car there and himself there and from that point a friend in that street told me that they had moved in the previous week. Obviously i don't walk that way now but that's the way i walked for years.[/quote]
In that case it does sound a bit concerning. As you said, it's the last place he'd want to live. Are you in contact with any mutual associates or family members who might be able to tell you why he's done this?

Would it be possible to get the order adapted as he now loves so close, you need another level of protection.

I’m assuming he knew that was your daughter’s school? So he’s basically moved as close as he can to you without breaking the order. If he had no existing connections to where you live then I’d say he’s done it deliberately to intimidate you.

Contact the police and let them know.

I don’t think he’s done to try and get access. I think he’s done it to scare you, to let you know he’s there. He’ll probably only use your DC as a way to upset you ie say he’s going for contact or custody etc but it’s all just bullshit to threaten and control you.

When was the last time you heard directly from him? I can’t even imagine what it must be like having your attacker so close by. Just knowing he’s there will be upsetting and that’s where I thin’ he will be committing an offence. The fact that he’s been willing to commit money to further his plan just shows what a revolting individual he is.

Contact the police and then if he does make contact/break the order/do anything then you’ll have a trail of evidence.

I would suspect that right now it is just an intimidation tactic. But you can guarantee it will morph into something more sinister at some point. And maybe steaky intimidation tactics in the mean time.

If you can't go now, then at least make sure you are making plans to be gone before the harassment order runs out op.

Honestly though, all it would take is something in his life not going to plan, like his current gf seeing through his mask for him to start harassing her and then, during that spiral, he may come for you too. Court order or not. And you already know he is capable of physical violence.

Seriously op I would be bloody terrified too.
Perhaps the National Stalking Helpline would be worth talking to.

Did you not put up a recent post saying you wanted him to have contact with your child? You said he walked past you in the street and ignored you and you seemed disappointed he wasn’t trying to make contact?

@BakingOfTheFoodCats yes that was me but it wasn't that I was disappointed he made no contact, quite the opposite, don't worry about that, I wouldn't have him near me or kids.
It was just as the court case had come to a conclusion I was concerned that he would TRY and make contact about baby (this was before I knew he'd moved to my area)...He'd never made contact before so it was really just to get advice from others if they thought that (as he'd walked past us in the street, never been in contact, etc) that that was it and I can move on with life and stop spending so much time worrying that he might appear, or if people though he might still randomly turn up at some point. Just so I could be ready for that.
Obviously there have been developments in the past few days that have reignited my concern about him.
But no, I certainly don't want him to have contact x