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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm not interested

56 replies

Strawberryshortcake28 · 29/09/2021 14:24

I'm not interested in what your saying

This is what my husband has just told me when I tried to speak to him while he was watching the news. Is it me or is this just a sign of total disrespect.

It brought tears to my eyes at how rude he could be to Me while we are currently away on a staycation in a lovely hotel.

I am currently 14 weeks pregnant and he said it's my hormones making me emotional. Things have been rocky for a while he says I run him down all the time and he doesn't find me attractive or want to have sex with me and if I'm being honest I don't want to with him either I think about other men all the time.

This is just one of the many comments he has made another example is 'ill punch you if you ever do that again'. Also ignoring me Infront of my own family and spending the evening talking to them.

I think he'll make a great father but I don't think he enjoys my company anymore he doesn't make me laugh a d I walk on eggshells around him most of the time .

I'm not saying I'm the perfect wife we have been together ten years and I just feel too much has been said and done to amend or come back from . This has been the latest issue of a long list of problems .The issue for me is after these comments he doesn't take ownership or apologize just again highlights I'm running him down.

He has not got a lot of family or friends and tbh I'm recognising why now if he's treats ppl like this. He would have no where to go if I were to ask him to move out

Is this normal any advice ?

OP posts:

Dragongirl10 · 29/09/2021 14:29

No this is very abusive and lots of red flags here.

Difficult as it is please dump him before your baby is born.

Sorry but your boundaries are skewed if you think he will make a good father, no decent man threatens to punch his wife, girlfriend or any other woman.

Billybagpuss · 29/09/2021 14:29

This is not normal and any DH who threatens to punch his dw, will not make a good father.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Chloemol · 29/09/2021 14:29

No it’s not normal

He sounds abusive and now is the time to kick him out, he’s not likely to change

It’s not your problem if he has no where to go

You need to think of your child, he is no example to them, they will 9nky learn his bad behaviour

ChargingBuck · 29/09/2021 14:30

I think he'll make a great father

What makes you think that?

How long do you think it will be before your child is also walking on eggshells because he says things like -
"I'm not interested in what your saying " &
"ill punch you if you ever do that again"?

spotcheck · 29/09/2021 14:34

It sounds like a terrible relationship all round

billy1966 · 29/09/2021 14:39

Not normal.

Rude, nasty, abusive.

I would be rethinking your pregnancy.

You think a shit husband like him is going to be a great father?

You are deluded.

All this baby is going to do is complicate a bad relationship.

He doesn't like or respect you and you you think a baby will suddenly turn him into a decent human being?

He will continue to speak to you like shit, but it will be in front of a child.

It will be an awful house forva child to grow up in.

Have a serious think about what you want for your future, because its looking miserable with a man like him.

Reach out for support.

Original poster

Strawberryshortcake28 · 29/09/2021 14:45

Minus the abusive comment is this normal

It has been terrible tbh he says he wants to stay together and work on it that the baby will make us happier I'm loosing faith it will
I just feel that he says and does whatever he wants to me but to other people he is a gentleman like he's no respect for me I haven't felt this way since I was a bullied child I don't know where to go from here

OP posts:

Moooning · 29/09/2021 14:46

Yeah I would leave him and terminate the pregnancy. I did the the same 10 years ago at 15 weeks, and he wasn't nearly as bad as your partner sounds. I just didn't want to be tied to a bit of a miserable loser for the rest of my life.

Best thing I ever I did for myself, I have never looked back. Be kind to yourself, and put your needs first. Because most of the time no one else will.

Original poster

Strawberryshortcake28 · 29/09/2021 14:53

Thanks I love this baby it took us four years to conceive it terminating would never be an option and whatever happens I said I would give him his fair share of custody and the house I would be very reasonable and would hope to co parent I'm just not sure this can be fixed or is worth fixing

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 29/09/2021 14:56

No it’s not normal
My husband never speaks to me like that or threatens to punch me. Look into your options to leave him; I don’t think that he’s going to be much of a father

ChaToilLeam · 29/09/2021 14:57

This cannot be fixed, you are being abused and your child will be too. He is a shit husband and will be a shit father.

Please get some IRL support, contact Women’s Aid, confide in family and/or friends. You are very vulnerable now you are expecting.

ChargingBuck · 29/09/2021 15:28

@Strawberryshortcake28

Fucksake get a lawyer.

You are about to talk yourself into an unfair settlement because you are trying to be nice to a horrible, horrible man.

Start from the premise that you & your baby are going to need a home to live in, & enough money to live decently on.
Then get your lawyer to help you work out how to achieve that.

If you go into this wanting to play nice, your DH will shaft you.
You have a baby to care for, & a couple of decades of parenting. It's time to find your inner tiger mum.

You are not dealing with a reasonable man.
Protect yourself, & agree nothing until your lawyer has been through everything wit a fine tooth comb & fought hard to protect your best interests.

Congratulations on your longed-for baby.

MrsSquirrel · 29/09/2021 15:39

"His fair share of custody" isn't the right way to think about it. Contact is for the benefit of the child. It's not about the parents or what might be "fair" between them. It's about the best interests of the child.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 29/09/2021 15:41

You think he'll be a great father?

That's really sad. A man who treats the mother of his child with contempt can never ever be a great father.

He sounds awful. Nothing about his behaviour as described is normal or acceptable.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 29/09/2021 15:43

He's done a proper number on you so for now, stop trusting your instinct, get a lawyer and let them deal with him.

He won't make a good father. He will be a shit father. Give birth, don't put him on the BC whatever you do and have a happy life with him firmly in the rear view mirror.

JustThisLastLittleBit · 29/09/2021 15:56

Nobody should speak to you like that let alone your life partner.

FictionalCharacter · 29/09/2021 16:01

He’s threatened to punch you too, and you tiptoe around? He scares you, and you’re asking if it’s normal?
End it now or you’re in for a miserable future.

Original poster

Strawberryshortcake28 · 29/09/2021 16:05

Thank you I have great support from my family both emotionally and financially but they are so set on u working it out or seeing what it will be like when the baby is here
They say he has mental health issues which he does but honestly I cannot support him anymore than I already have he refuses therapy and is already on medication for anxiety which clearly isn't working

I was always so timid and let him have his mood swings but I just don't want my baby to grow up in a house where their mother should be seen and not heard . I know I have been hormal and quite difficult I have apologized for my actions and have relaxed after my twelve week scan .

In the past when we have talked about separating he agreed that I should have the house and would buy him out . That process will take time though and until then he said previously he couldn't afford to rent anyone been in this situation .

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 29/09/2021 16:08

Why do you care so much whether it's normal? If you got a bunch of replies saying 'Yes, this is normal' would you just settle for feeling this shit?

Maintaining healthy boundaries doesn't give a flying fandoodle about 'normal'. Your boundaries are nothing like anybody else's boundaries, because nobody else is you, and nobody else has had your experiences in life. So, you get to make the rules about what is ok for you, and what is not.

If somebody does something that makes you feel bad, you tell them. If they keep doing it, then they care more about that activity than they do about your feelings, so you need to create distance from them. That's it. People complicate boundaries so much, but that's all there is to it. It'll filter out all the crap in your friendships and relationships, it'll filter out abuse, and it will remove the question 'Is this normal?' from your life, because you will be surrounded by people who respect you, and don't do tings that make you say 'WTF??'

Why do you think that a man who is comfortable threatening violence will make a good father?

waybill · 29/09/2021 16:13

Your hormones aren't making him a bastard though, are they?

Since he has already threatened to punch you, then all I can suggest is that you leave this horrible man and get out of this relationship as soon as possible. If he's like this now towards you when you are in the early stages of pregnancy, imagine what he's going to be like when he's kept awake all night by a screaming baby.

He is a rotten partner, and showing all the signs of being a rotten father too.

Original poster

Strawberryshortcake28 · 29/09/2021 16:19

Thanks for the advice

This may sound stupid I just think he would because he is an absolute gentleman to other people puts on a great show opening doors for people getting along with my family taking my mum shopping so kind to others works really hard is the life and soul of the party at family gatherings playing with all the children etc but and at times he can be like that to me but when something sets him of he turns on me expects me to forget about it an hour later and accept that he doesn't apologize

I know he I deserve better I just in shock that he finds nothing wrong with this behaviour he's making it out as if it is my hormones and is now huffing with me not talking and saying he's not gna say anything cus whatever he does say is never right . It's so hard being stuck with someone all night who won't speak to me

OP posts:

Underpaidsnackbitch · 29/09/2021 16:25

No of course it isn't normal. I wouldn't expect to be, or tolerate being treated like that by anyone, let alone my DH!
He will not make a great father at all. Don't let your child grow up in this environment, believing that this is normal.
If you want him to leave, tell him. He is not your responsibility, he is a grown man.
The mental health issue is a red herring. Many, many people have MH problems and manage to get by without being abusive to their spouse, it's just an excuse.

TheFoundations · 29/09/2021 16:27

he finds nothing wrong with this behaviour he's making it out as if it is my hormones and is now huffing with me not talking and saying he's not gna say anything cus whatever he does say is never right

That's called DARVO

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

He upsets you, and then in the blink of an eye, the issue is all your fault.

He will be a great father, you're right, but only sometimes. At other times, he will abuse the child in just the same way he abuses you, because the child will be part of his home life, not part of his outward delightful front that he shows to the world.

Get out. Even if this is down to mental health issues, get out. Having poor mental health doesn't mean you can abuse your family with impunity.

RestingPandaFace · 29/09/2021 16:33

ill punch you if you ever do that again'

I think he'll make a great father

Any man who would say this to the mother of his child WILL not make a great father.

A great father is a role model for how his children should behave in their relationships, what is he going to teach your little one?

Please get out of there - you deserve so much better.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/09/2021 16:34

get out before you have the baby, it will be easier.

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