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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Cheater or hanging with friends?

73 replies

1goingslowlymad · 29/09/2021 13:37

I recently found out that DH has spent the night in a hotel in another town with another woman whilst I was away for the weekend. He says that she is just an old friend and nothing happened between them (they just slept in the same bed after a few drinks apparently but no s*x). I’ve never ever heard of this ‘friend’, you’d have thought he might have mentioned a 25-year-old friendship! He said he can’t see the issue with them sharing a hotel room as they are more like brother and sister.
I found out as I saw a message on his phone telling her that he was in town for the night and asking her if she wanted to come to a hotel.
DH says he has never told me about his friend because she is a woman and he knew I would be upset – and he says my reaction to finding out proves to him that he was right to say nothing (I was pretty angry!). Am I overreacting? Can men and women have a platonic relationship? Should married men spend nights in hotels with other women and not tell their wives?

OP posts:
MissAmbrosia · 29/09/2021 13:39

What a complete load of bollocks! If they were that good friends surely you'd have met her.

bridgeofslides · 29/09/2021 13:39

You've caught him out and he's doing the script. Sorry op

HappyDays101010 · 29/09/2021 13:40

He's joking, right?

HairyFanjoBanjo · 29/09/2021 13:40

He is clearly lying and gaslighting you.

No doubt he would be 100% overjoyed with you sharing a hotel bed with an old male friend.

What a crock of shit!

Brollywasntneededafterall · 29/09/2021 13:40

Wake up and smell the coffee op...
He was shagging..

MissAmbrosia · 29/09/2021 13:40

Sorry - but there's no way they didn't meet up for sex. Platonic friends might meet up for drinks etc and would not feel the need to keep it a big secret.

Mumoblue · 29/09/2021 13:40

You’re not overreacting. He’s talking out of his arse because he got caught.

girlmom21 · 29/09/2021 13:41

If it was platonic he'd have 100% told you about her.

There's no reason for her to have stayed if she lived locally.

No he should not be sharing a bed with another woman for absolutely any reason at all. If they're 'like brother and sister' you'd definitely know she existed.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 29/09/2021 13:41

This cannot be for real!

workshy44 · 29/09/2021 13:44

I'm sorry but sharing a bed with a women (full stop is way over the line) yet you have never heard of, that he never mentioned and he never told you he was there and somehow this is all innocent and he can't understand what the fuss is about
He has done a right number on you. There is ZERO chance there is an innocent explanation for this. 100% cheating and whats worse is he thinks you are stupid enough to swallow that crock of shit
The absolute arrogance

ChargingBuck · 29/09/2021 13:48

You know this is 100% bullshit.

and he says my reaction to finding out proves to him that he was right to say nothing

What he is telling you is he will do exactly what he wants, then blame "your reaction" as if your feelings were the cause of his behaviour.
Classic tactic of coercive controllers btw.

Did they stay at the only hotel in town, & did it only have 1 remaining bedroom? Did they have to share a room? A bed?

How many excellent man friends of 25 years standing are you actively concealing from your DH?
Would he be so blase if you decided to share a hotel bed with one of these fictitious men?

Brollywasntneededafterall · 29/09/2021 13:50

Keep at him op.. He will apologising for falling over and his penis falling into her and expecting sympathy..

LtDansLegs · 29/09/2021 13:51

There's no way he'd accept you meeting an "old friend" for drinks them sleeping in a hotel in the same bed together!! He's giving you the most ridiculous reasons.

I know it sounds crappy, but I wouldn't believe him. LTB - not only is he a cheater, he's a liar too.

AttaGirrrrl · 29/09/2021 13:53

Wow. Just wow.

Of course men and women can have platonic relationships. But a 25 year friendship that is close enough to spend a night together but you’ve never heard of her? No. That’s not okay.

ninadust · 29/09/2021 13:55

No!!!! This is not okay!!! He's definitely lying as well!

Kk789 · 29/09/2021 14:03

Please don't be so naive x

spotcheck · 29/09/2021 14:14

Well, of course it's your fault that he couldn't be honest.
I mean, if you weren't so completely hysterical then he wouldn't have been forced to lie..
That makes sense, right?

I can't wait to hear what pressing reason brought him to her town for the night.
Well, apart from having sneaky sex with her.

Tellmewhat · 29/09/2021 14:16

A 25 year friendship you didn’t know about? How can he keep a straight face telling you that?

solarsky · 29/09/2021 14:30

Friends don't go to hotels to share a bed
He is lying

1goingslowlymad · 29/09/2021 14:33

Definitely a true story! He thinks I was born yesterday...

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 29/09/2021 14:39

What a massive pile of shit, bullshit

Of course he will give you her number and you can ring her.

How old is he, how old is she

Not that that matters mind you

Crikeyalmighty · 29/09/2021 14:42

If they were ‘that’ close you would certainly know about her . these idiots must think we were as you said born yesterday — and if they were that close there would be a string of messages- ask to see them!! He either won’t show you or in a panic will have deleted them all and he won’t mind you contacting her will he to check his story out !

Bookworm20 · 29/09/2021 14:45

Really? Thats the best he could come up with?

Of course, though, don't we all have 25 year old friends which we consider to be just like a brother, that our partner knows nothing about, and happily sleep in the same bed in a hotel, when our partner is away for the weekend. Totally plausible.

Was the hotel near to where you live by the way? Or near to his dear old friend (that's like a sister) who you've never heard of?

trilbydoll · 29/09/2021 14:48

I've got male friends of 20 years+ and I honestly don't think I'd share a bed with any of them Confused 2 beds in a room yes for sure but not the same bed!

If she's like a sister then you would have met her / heard about her before now. Unless you've only known him 6 months or something.

Pinkbonbon · 29/09/2021 14:50

I have a best friend of 20 years and l wouldn't share a hotel room and bed with him because he is married and do I would consider that disrespectful to his partner. Oh and, he is gay. I still wouldn't.

I also have obviously met his partner because I'm not some grubby little secret 'friend'.

He is spinning you a massive lie. And even if he wasn't, he would still be out of order to share a bed with her. And out of order to have kept you a secret. AND out of order to now be gaslighting you.

He sucks. In the bin with him.

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