Envious of friendship groups

[Wtf86]

So a few parent friendship groups have sprung up - groups of parents getting together for drinks etc. Now I’m envious of these groups but not envious of the people in them if that makes sense - none I would pick as friends (various reasons)

I know if I wanted to be in one or two of them I could make an effort but I don’t but then Im envious of them but anyway that’s it - annoyed with myself for being annoyed. I generally spread myself thin then never get in a group I do want to be in.

Ah I can relate to that

It's very very rare I find myself in a group I actually want to be in! I'm an introvert but still feel left out even if I don't particularly want to spend time with the people in the group

Not sure what to say to that. You’re envious of something you don’t want. Why?

I get you. Totally understand. This time of year it’s like freshers week for grown ups!

Sounds like a case of FOMO.

Omg this is so me!

Yep I hear you OP

I'm an introvert but still feel left out even if I don't particularly want to spend time with the people in the group

This is so me! I'd love to understand the psychology behind it

Totally identify with your post! Could it be that appearances are seductive but the reality is not as enticing? It's the general idea of wanting to be wanted/invited more than the experience itself.

I've always found myself in this situation too. I'm always on the fringes of friendship groups without every actually felt like I'm in the circle. Suppose I'm just a bit of a loner lol.

@Innovationstandard

I'm an introvert but still feel left out even if I don't particularly want to spend time with the people in the group

This is so me! I'd love to understand the psychology behind it

Same!

I know exactly what you mean - I actively avoid some groups of perfectly pleasant people (who I find a little tedious en masse), whilst feeling envious that they seem to enjoy each other's company so much.

But I just can't have another conversation about glass box extensions and artisanal local gin producers, or yoga or allotments.

Something in you is unsatisfied, and when you see/hear of them having a great time, you think that they are fully satisfied in life.

You're not envying what they're doing or who they are; you're envying that they are fulfilled.

The solution: respond to your own needs. Stop spreading yourself thin and focus on something that will make you feel good about yourself. Create something or learn something or achieve something, just for you. Their groups will be pretty meaningless to you whilst you're focusing on your marathon training or your music lessons or the latest Korfball tournament (or whatever you get into)

TBH I really wouldn’t give it any thoughts.You can’t be arsed so not really worth thinking about.

Thanks everyone I was actually expecting to be flamed or is that (AIBU) yes I think oddly although I have a lot of friends I also have a large family. I am busy with young children too and DH has a stressful job. I suppose I’m thinking where do they find the time - but absolutely I’m like I don’t want to be friends with any of you lot.

So I @TheFoundations something is unsatisfied in me - it can’t be socialising I’ve been to the theatre twice in the last two weeks and out for a couple of meals too. Arghh I think I do love being around people too and I know I’m a good laugh. But I don’t want to be in those groups. My DH is deffo an introvert so he doesn’t really help with us being social as a couple.

I have dipped in and out of so many groups I’m exhausted!

and I know I’m a good laugh

That's an interesting comment. Two things jump out; firstly, this is about how other people see you. Do you feel you need to be a good laugh to spend time with? And so, secondly, maybe the socialising you're trying to do is too much fun? I'm aware how that odd that sounds, but... how to phrase it... if you were doing, say, a course on sketching, you'd be socialising, but it's nothing to do with having a laugh, and in fact, if you were trying to have a laugh all the time, you'd probably be a bit annoying for people who were trying to concentrate on what they were doing.

So, maybe you could focus on more serious endeavours?

Can't believe I'd ever suggest someone try to have less fun, but I hope you get my point. You might not want to go out in the social groups you are envious of in the same way you don't want to play with the kids on the playground, although you may admire the friendships in the same way.

Somebody once said to me it's a good idea to think of how you used to relieve your boredom when you were alone at age 11. Old enough to know what you like, young enough not to be surpressed by societies expectations and pressures. Might be worth a go

Interesting @TheFoundations I need to think back! That was 30 years ago for me. I came from quite a dysfunctional family and teenage parents - and immigrants too. Fun then for me was reading (lots) probably Jason Donovan, lots of study - I was a geek, my music, extra curricular activities weren’t a thing in my family we had limited money and my father was a heavy drinker, I think I’ve always loved eating out and theatre.

I’m often the connector (spread myself thin) so know a lot of people. I really don’t know what I want.

I came from quite a dysfunctional family and teenage parents

This often leads to dissatisfaction in adulthood because we learn at a young age that our emotional needs are secondary to whatever drama is happening in our parents' world. We learn that if we feel something, the best response is to shut up about it, and do as much as we can to make sure everybody around us is happy (or at least, not feeling like we're being over-demanding simply for having feelings at all)

Have a think through your whole entire life, and try to remember what has, at any given time, really REALLY floated your boat. Also have a think about, what, in 5 years, 10 years time, you would be REALLY proud of yourself for having started to do/learn/practice in October 21. You could run marathons, you could become an artist, you could become a member of an orchestra, you could fly a plane, you could make the world's biggest ever beef pie, but whatever it is, it needs to rock your core.

You'll stop worrying about peripheral, superficial friendship groups and spreading yourself thinly once you elevate your hobbies to this level. You life will be about something else altogether.

You're in an exciting place. You are on the springboard of dissatisfaction. Every invention and creation starts from where you stand right now.

Thank you @TheFoundations do you take private 1 on 1s!!! You are brilliant.

So I was in a similar place late last year and set up my own business (with a business partner) and we are doing really well so that has kind of eased the ‘challenge’ as that is what I was throwing myself into and we’ve got into a flow (for now).

I have probably got more free time.

I started a pilates class and it’s not quite ‘zen’ enough for me. I will sit down and fully evaluate where I am and what I need. I am also about to embark on a programme mentoring girls of a similar background to myself I really hope this will fill a gap as I’m very passionate about the next generation of children who are from my background not to be held back the way I was.

@thefoundations
Great posts

Love foundations posts

Op sounds like at some point you might want to be bold and start your own group. To your spec. Perhaps you won’t meet that much, maybe every couple of months but it will be with like minded people

@TheFoundations I can’t top the great advice from this OP. But what I can say is that I’ve read that some friendship groups function on having others on the outside so that they feel better about themselves, but within them they’re actually quite toxic. It’s took a long time for me to stop feeling unwanted but instead noticing that I actively keep my distance, I actively have boundaries and don’t think twice about saying no.
It’s these things that these friendship groups don’t welcome so it would never work out really anyway.

I think I am exactly the same! And bizarrely I was just thinking who out of my friends could I bring together then I thought can I be arsed!! Isn’t life just busy enough!!

@TheFoundations you are super thank you

@Samuraisammy thank you too

@Newgirls yes I have thought that too re my own group.

@altmember

I've always found myself in this situation too. I'm always on the fringes of friendship groups without every actually felt like I'm in the circle. Suppose I'm just a bit of a loner lol.

Same

Before the Pandemic I was part of quite a few ladies who lunch groups and they were boring as all fuck. Looking back I know I was going because of FOMO. I found it helpful to think hard about each individual in the group and ask myself if I wanted to be closer friends with them and the answer was no to each and every one. I have not gone back. I only spend time with people I really really like.