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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Envious of friendship groups

69 replies

Wtf86 · 28/09/2021 22:42

So a few parent friendship groups have sprung up - groups of parents getting together for drinks etc. Now I’m envious of these groups but not envious of the people in them if that makes sense - none I would pick as friends (various reasons)

I know if I wanted to be in one or two of them I could make an effort but I don’t but then Im envious of them but anyway that’s it - annoyed with myself for being annoyed. I generally spread myself thin then never get in a group I do want to be in.

OP posts:
Wtf86 · 03/10/2021 13:35

@ElevenSmiles perhaps use one of those smiles to think differently of people. A number of people have found this thread useful.

OP posts:
Wtf86 · 03/10/2021 13:37

Thanks @TheFoundations I probably spend too much time thinking how I’ve effed things up etc! I guess coming from my background where we spent a lot of time just disaster proofing or literally cleaning up physically or apologising for my dad’s behaviour I am probably over sensitive to what people think of me.

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Wtf86 · 03/10/2021 13:37

Thanks @TheFoundations working on the self love!!

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ElevenSmiles · 03/10/2021 13:59

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TheFoundations · 03/10/2021 14:05

Work from the basis that unless you can clearly see for yourself that you very plainly did something wrong (in which case, I know you'd apologise straight away), you haven't done anything wrong.

For me, this was the basis to overcoming so much unhappiness with regard to friendships and relationships. We are just right, just as we are. If people don't like how we make them feel, they need to be responsible for that feeling, by talking to us respectfully about it and reaching a compromise, or by making distance. If we don't like how someone makes us feel, we need to take responsibility for that, in the same ways.

Nobody ever has to sit around wondering about their faults. If they find themselves doing that, that's an unhealthy relationship.

It's very liberating, and no behaviour has to be assigned to the 'wrong' bin. Incompatibility is a much calmer concept to accept. It's nobody's fault, nobody has to change, and everybody can get out of range of it.

No idea if I'm still on topic, here, but still relevant, I hope! It's what you said about our background that's sent me down this path. It's more general than just this friendship group issue you posted about.

Wtf86 · 03/10/2021 15:55

@ElevenSmiles not great that your happy place is being cruel to people online.

@TheFoundations how did you get so good at understanding things? Books/therapy?

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ElevenSmiles · 03/10/2021 16:25

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Wtf86 · 03/10/2021 16:56

@ElevenSmiles other people might not be in such a good place as you. Mentally - things matter to some people that don’t matter to others. My thread has helped others and I don’t know why you find that upsetting. If it bothers you so - then don’t comment. Why bother swearing? I’m not sure what you’re getting from this.

OP posts:
ElevenSmiles · 03/10/2021 17:26

Here's an idea stop the comments directed at me ....simple.

SerenShine · 03/10/2021 17:28

Exactly the same too.

I get annoyed with myself for this too.

ImaBraveNhsHero · 03/10/2021 17:37

This is a really interesting and enlightening thread.

Wtf86 · 03/10/2021 19:03

Then stop the swearing and hurtful comments @ElevenSmiles - expect to have comments directed to you! As would anyone who comments on anything.

@ImaBraveNhsHero thank you.

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ElevenSmiles · 03/10/2021 19:12

Ho Ho Ho

TheFoundations · 03/10/2021 19:18

@Wtf86

I'm glad my comments are of use. I had years of rubbish relationships, and finally saw a counsellor, who was absolutely excellent, and made me realise a) all the things I'd been doing wrong and b) none of what I was doing wrong was my 'fault', because I'd been taught badly how to do relationships.

I've been so much happier since, and if I pass on anything that helps anybody I'm very pleased to save them a counselling session or two!

I would recommend counselling to anybody, but you have to have the right counsellor. It's a bit of a catch 22 because if you know how to select someone who's good for you, you don't need the counselling! I suspect this is why many people say 'counselling doesn't work for me, I've tried it.'

Wtf86 · 03/10/2021 19:22

I’ve tried numerous counsellors - mainly grief and then Mind the charity then I paid for someone. But I find a speak in the moment and never delve deeper - I would also love to speak to a South Asian therapist as so much of what has happened to me is shrouded in cultural issues too

OP posts:
Wtf86 · 03/10/2021 19:34

*I speak in the moment - like general chat. Work / in-laws etc - it then just fizzles out. I think I need to seek out another counsellor

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billy1966 · 03/10/2021 19:49

Excellent thread OP.Flowers

@TheFoundations, you write a lot of sense, that resonates.Flowers

TheFoundations · 03/10/2021 19:50

Speaking in the moment is a valuable part of the process. A good counsellor will be able to spot patterns in the way you view your daily life, and ask questions that will lead you deeper. Deep stuff doesn't come immediately; it's like a friendship but with professional boundaries of steel. It takes a while to feel you can open up and trust. It's really important that you think they're nice though. None of us open our deep side to people we don't think are nice.

Wtf86 · 03/10/2021 21:13

I did have one counsellor I trusted he still works but has a long waiting list. He passed me to a colleague she was good - it’s with Mind though so it’s a charity so you can’t pick and choose.

I will look into further therapy it would be good for me to have an outlet. I think I suffered a lot of emotional neglect as a child I think we spoke on earlier comments and now I think I am experiencing emotional neglect in my marriage and accepting it. This makes me look out side the home for this support

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