Envious of friendship groups

[Wtf86]

So a few parent friendship groups have sprung up - groups of parents getting together for drinks etc. Now I’m envious of these groups but not envious of the people in them if that makes sense - none I would pick as friends (various reasons)

I know if I wanted to be in one or two of them I could make an effort but I don’t but then Im envious of them but anyway that’s it - annoyed with myself for being annoyed. I generally spread myself thin then never get in a group I do want to be in.

I'm watching this with interest as I've posted similar stuff re friendship issues here.

I agree that @TheFoundations has some great posts (are you a counsellor IRL? no need to answer if you don't want to

Same here hi!

There's definitely an element of FOMO although you don't necessarily want to actually be a part of the group, it's all a bit baffling....

Sometimes it's a case of the grass is always greener. From the outside it's a happy place, when you're in you want to get the f* out.

Think as @TheFoundations said it’s not them/what they’re doing I need to find something in me. I’m very low on hobbies - pilates and coffees seem to be my hobby. Theatre too. @TheFoundations asked me to dig deeper and to think about what I really loved…Im thinking back and I think I always liked performing - theatre - being in a group.. perhaps I go back to this (I say this from my drama days in year 8 at school!)

Brilliant to read this thoughtful thread. But if you make a Jason Donovan fan club please invite me

@Wtf86 I’m intrigued by your comment about your Pilates class not being zen enough. I’m a Pilates instructor and would love to know what were your expectations of Pilates and what you felt was missing,
purely professional curiosity!

Oh, and I’m also a bit like you! I know lots of people and feel I skirt around several friendship groups without really belonging to one. I also have issues with intimacy in my relationships (and now sadly divorced) I have had some counselling and it is certainly influenced to an extent by my childhood, not having emotional needs met and wanting to be liked and please everyone.

Sounds like a case of FOMO

I was going to say exactly this.

I carried on doing a hobby I was 'meh' about, purely because of FOMO. I'm so much happier once I was honest with myself and realised that I liked the 'thought' of the activity way more than the actual 'act'. I think sometimes we are programmed to have lots of friends, the more friends you have the better a person/life you have. When in reality that's bullshit

@FVFrog I would call it more a Fitness Pilates (which the instructor described to me afterwards) it’s got a fair amount of pace to it. I think I was expecting a more measured/stretching approach (which it is at time). I also find the hands together namaste at the end (when the instructor has been joking about gin and vodka) cultural appropriation and offensive. I just think it’s not my thing.

I had very little in the way of my emotional needs met - heavy drinker dad - young parents. But as my mum has often said no one showed her love as a child so she didn’t know how to show us it

I also find the hands together namaste at the end (when the instructor has been joking about gin and vodka) cultural appropriation and offensive. How odd to do a namaste in Pilates! That would have me running faster than fast from my Pilates class. I am doing Pilates rather than Yoga precisely because it hasn't got that element to it.

I often feel like you OP, some good advice on here. Let's all try and be a bit less needy and do things more on our terms, politely but firmly.

@Wtf86 thank you. Agree namaste has no place in Pilates! I am a bit of a Pilates purist, I don’t particularly like the fitness/yoga hybrid stuff. It’s fine, but I wish they wouldn’t call it Pilates. It’s worth seeking out a different instructor, I would recommend you find a properly ‘studio’ trained instructor (Stott, Basi, Polestar, Body Control) it may be more your thing, there should be no more than 12 in your class.

Thanks @FVFrog I will - this is a busy class deffo more than 12! It’s also deffo hybrid.

This is such a helpful thread, thanks OP! I can relate to being on the periphery of family drama as a child and feeling dissatisfaction with friendship groups as an adult.

Like I want to be part of a network and feel I belong, but don't quite know what I want to belong to.

I completely understand! I'd love to be in a friends group but I'm so introverted. I've seen the pictures online and I do get jealous but just can't join in.

I really expected to get flamed and told to grow up! It also seemed a bit selfish or well #firstworldproblem of me to worry about these things. I’m glad the thread has helped. I still need to be bit more precious with my time

www.modernintimacy.com/10-surprising-signs-of-childhood-emotional-neglect/

This is me as a child and now I also think as an adult. I am experiencing and accepting emotional neglect

@Innovationstandard

I'm an introvert but still feel left out even if I don't particularly want to spend time with the people in the group

This is so me! I'd love to understand the psychology behind it

I used to be like this. Now happy to not have bad company.

There used to be something good about being popular and liked - maybe it made me feel more secure but it has the opposite affect. While those since my school days have focussed friendship groups & have stayed life long friends now I envy them. In fact I look around and think wow how come I never knew about them as a group!

Also I have more chance of feeling left out etc because I know so many people.

Example a party where a lot of my ‘friends’ were but I would say acquaintances and then in my head I thought well would you have invited that person to your party? And the answer is no - so why would they invite me and why do I feel left out? It’s because I’ve spent as ridiculous amount of time having coffees with so many people that suddenly in my head that coffee makes me their best mate - well not quite but makes me think that’s enough. Well it’s not though is it? And I really just need to focus on who I see as my core friendship group!

@TheFoundations

Something in you is unsatisfied, and when you see/hear of them having a great time, you think that they are fully satisfied in life.

You're not envying what they're doing or who they are; you're envying that they are fulfilled.

The solution: respond to your own needs. Stop spreading yourself thin and focus on something that will make you feel good about yourself. Create something or learn something or achieve something, just for you. Their groups will be pretty meaningless to you whilst you're focusing on your marathon training or your music lessons or the latest Korfball tournament (or whatever you get into)

I like that post. Thank you.

Good post op. You do sound great and I think I could be your friend from what you have written.
I always feel a bit sad when I hear about families going out together or holidaying together. However i I think the reality is that don't get on that well. They always disclose some sort of angst or I'll feeling. All my partners have had siblings yet all of them have had falling outs.
Maybe it's me harking back to my childhood as I often felt quite lonely as a child. I think I'm looking,at through Enid Blyton glasses when in fact it's nothing like that in reality.
Even talking to work colleagues reveals they all without exception have issues with their siblings.
In fact the people I am closest to at work are all only children and those are the people I socialised with outside of work.
Not sure if that's coincidence or something deeper.

@Onlinedilema that’s so kind of you to say. I think I’m right to spend some time focussing on me. And I think I just need to pick (sounds awful) so friends and just focus on them. And not feel othered or left out because I don’t get invited to everything!

I think also it's massively important (more important than any of the other things) to recognise that the best friend you'll ever have is yourself.

What do your main self criticisms sound like? This thread is one of them; it's based in a 'What's wrong with me?' way of thinking. There are 2 very different ways of seeing this situation:

1. I keep observing friendship groups I'm not really interested in and it makes me feel negative about me/my situation. What's going wrong in me that's causing that to happen?

1. I have a negative feeling around certain friendship groups, because that's who I am. I love me to bits, so I'm going to step back from those situations that cause me negativity, and find positivity-inducing situations to replace them.

1 is based in self criticism, 2 is based in self love. Guess which one I recommend?

It's not worth your precious time to work out why you don't feel positive about something, if you can pretty easily avoid it. You are who you are. You like what you like. Nobody, even you, will be able to say why, and it doesn't matter. Accept you as you are. You'll be just like the rest of us: fairly average mostly, with a few below par bits and a couple of really sparkly frills. Unless you think there's something fundamentally very very wrong with you, be free! Even your cock ups will be minor and rare, and if you're spending your time with people who make you feel good, you'll be rapidly forgiven anyway.