Page 2 | Not sure relationship will progress

confusedpersoninlife · 2021-09-28T20:06:25+00:00

We are both late 30s and have been together two years. We live separately and there's no talk of the future. This is weird, right?

Original poster

confusedpersoninlife · 28/09/2021 22:54

if they find they can't talk to their partner about important things, they leave. I think it's my only option. I have tried.

OP posts:

Womaninthistown · 28/09/2021 22:59

@confusedpersoninlife

What do you want from your life? Living with someone, commitment? marriage, children? Yes all these things.

Oh please don’t wait any longer OP. Life is too short!

You’re worth more than a quip about ‘potential’. Potential after 2 years… I think that just means it’s gone as far as it can.

FlowerArranger · 28/09/2021 23:10

You don't actually appear you love him though, so what's the point? And he has all but told you that he doesn't see a future with you. Why are you finding it do difficult to give him his marching orders?

Dillydollydingdong · 28/09/2021 23:18

Tbh it just depends on what you wants out of it. I've been with my dp for 18 months now. We don't live together but I stay at his 3/4 days a week. No talk of the future or marriage and that suits me fine. We share a bed, eat together, go out for days and holidays and that's enough, it's fine. It's enough for me, but maybe not for everyone.

Original poster

confusedpersoninlife · 28/09/2021 23:18

I think my love has been eroded
We are very attached
Speak multiple times on the phone every day, main support for each other etc
It’s been like this with every woman he’s been with so it’s not just me
Thought it would be different

OP posts:

solarsky · 28/09/2021 23:45

The only way you'll know is to bring the subject up but I'm thinking his silence means he doesn't see a living together type of future together, it's up to you but the longer you leave it, it just gets stuck in limbo

TedMullins · 29/09/2021 00:39

The real problem here is it seems neither of you have been upfront with each other. Has he explicitly said ‘I don’t plan/want to live with or marry anyone’ or does he just avoid the topic? Equally, have you said to him you want a relationship that will lead to cohabitation and marriage/kids?

I actively do not want to marry anyone, or have kids, and I make this very clear to people at the start - like, literally on the first date. If it turns out they want marriage and kids within a year I don’t see them again. You both need to have an actual discussion about what you want, but it sounds like his actions are pretty clear - you know he won’t meet your needs, so dump him.

Eesha · 29/09/2021 04:01

Op, I would get out of this one. From my experience, things happen much quicker in the sense more time together or away, thoughts of moving in or at least wanting to spend increasing amounts of time together. If you want children seriously, then you owe it to yourself to find someone who is keener on you. I'm mid 40s and have seen it happen with friends. He's just not that into you but scared to have nothing. I'm wondering whether you are the same, scared to start again.

Original poster

confusedpersoninlife · 29/09/2021 07:16

Equally, have you said to him you want a relationship that will lead to cohabitation and marriage/kids? yes I’ve been extremely clear from the very start. He tends to listen then avoid it. Occasionally he’ll make a casual indirect comment. Sometimes he’ll be unsure. But he avoids it mostly. He’s aware though. I think he started dating late in life and he’s not ready. So it’s put me off now.

OP posts:

Original poster

confusedpersoninlife · 29/09/2021 07:18

He's just not that into you but scared to have nothing. I'm wondering whether you are the same, scared to start again.

Yes I think there’s an element of that from my side and previously due to lockdowns and the pandemic. He, on the other hand, won’t settle down ever I don’t think. He likes to be alone too much.

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hashbrownsandwich · 29/09/2021 07:44

You need to just be frank with him. Do it by text initially. Say something like 'I've been thinking and we need to talk about any possible future between us. I know you don't enjoy this but it's a dealbreaker for me'.

Musttryharder2021 · 29/09/2021 08:06

If you want children, I'd advise having your fertility checked at a fertility clinic. That way you'd at least have an idea/be informed of your options.
Have you thought about being a solo parent (via a sperm donor)?
I also think sometimes you need to decide what's more important, a child or a partner, as both may not be possible.

ravenmum · 29/09/2021 08:14

Would you want a child with someone who outright refuses to communicate with you?

Original poster

confusedpersoninlife · 29/09/2021 08:15

I started looking into have a baby alone but I found it too daunting. I can’t do it alone. I want the family unit that comes with it.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 29/09/2021 08:16

Bearing in mind that by refusing to talk about it, he's deliberately or effectively stringing you along at the risk of missing out on a family.

Original poster

confusedpersoninlife · 29/09/2021 08:16

Would you want a child with someone who outright refuses to communicate with you? no - that’s why I’ve stopped bringing it up and why my feelings are starting to fade.

Then I wonder if I’m being realistic and shouldn’t be expecting these things after two years. Maybe he need more time etc. It’s confusing when he shuts down. Or maybe it shouldn’t be confusing at all.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 29/09/2021 08:18

He has all the time in the world, and he knows you don't. Why are you the one being super careful about the timing?

Sunshineandflipflops · 29/09/2021 08:19

Op, not everyone wants marriage and kids and that's ok but if it's what YOU want then it's not ok to continue in a relationship where you are intentionally leading the other person on.

It sounds like you want different things and the truth is, he can decide in 10+ years that he wants to start a family but you don't have that luxury. You are wasting your potentially fertile years with someone who just isn't right for you.

Musttryharder2021 · 29/09/2021 08:19

@confusedpersoninlife

I started looking into have a baby alone but I found it too daunting. I can’t do it alone. I want the family unit that comes with it.

You do realise that you may end up a single parent (even if your current partner 'agrees' to have a child with you?)

So, you're potentially prepared to miss out on motherhood because of an ideal of a family unity you may not obtain whether with this man or another?

Sunshineandflipflops · 29/09/2021 08:21

I have been with my bf for 2 years and I don't want marriage or living together but my situation is very different and I already have children. I have also told him how I feel so although I think he would like to live together, he understands that this won't be happening at least until my dc have left home and it's his choice to continue our relationship on that basis.

Musttryharder2021 · 29/09/2021 08:22

You may not have 'time' fertility wise, and may require medical intervention (as might he due to your ages). Why are you putting your fertility in this man's hands? What's daunting is how you're prepared to compromise on your fertility for a man who in this case appears to be wanting different things out of life.

Musttryharder2021 · 29/09/2021 08:25

@Sunshineandflipflops

Op, not everyone wants marriage and kids and that's ok but if it's what YOU want then it's not ok to continue in a relationship where you are intentionally leading the other person on.

It sounds like you want different things and the truth is, he can decide in 10+ years that he wants to start a family but you don't have that luxury. You are wasting your potentially fertile years with someone who just isn't right for you.

Exactly, I agree Op. I'm currently pregnant via a sperm donor (was married but not interested to do it again), and would one day when ready to date again like a very different relationship than the one I'd imagined in my 20s.

TedMullins · 29/09/2021 12:33

@confusedpersoninlife

Equally, have you said to him you want a relationship that will lead to cohabitation and marriage/kids? yes I’ve been extremely clear from the very start. He tends to listen then avoid it. Occasionally he’ll make a casual indirect comment. Sometimes he’ll be unsure. But he avoids it mostly. He’s aware though. I think he started dating late in life and he’s not ready. So it’s put me off now.

Well then I think you have your answer. You’ve been upfront, he avoids the issue. He should have the balls to be honest but his lack of engagement tells you all you need to know - bin this guy.

ChargingBuck · 29/09/2021 13:00

I have tried breaking it off a number of times but he really doesn't want to break up.

What do you mean - "tried"?

If you want to break it off - do it.
You don't need his permission.

& no, it's not 'weird' to have not moved in together.
But if that's what you want, & he does not, then cut your losses & make yourself available to a man who also wants what you want.

FlowerArranger · 29/09/2021 13:50

@confusedpersoninlife

I think my love has been eroded We are very attached Speak multiple times on the phone every day, main support for each other etc It’s been like this with every woman he’s been with so it’s not just me Thought it would be different

He is stringing you along, and you know it. You also know that this is your future if you stay. 'Attached'.... 'main support for each other'...... what does that even mean? While all along you are suppressing your feelings... What exactly is he adding to your life, other than sadness and anxiety?

What is stopping you from telling him "this isn't working for me - I do not want to see you anymore".
Then delete his number and email, block. And ghost if need be.
You need to protect yourself and look after your best interests.