Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure relationship will progress

55 replies

confusedpersoninlife · 28/09/2021 21:06

We are both late 30s and have been together two years. We live separately and there's no talk of the future. This is weird, right?

OP posts:
thesearelaughterlines · 28/09/2021 21:07

Talk to him ?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2021 21:09

You haven’t asked and are waiting for him to take the lead or you have and he’s said no?

Relationships thrive with decent communication and fail without it.

Have a chat.

Original poster
confusedpersoninlife · 28/09/2021 21:12

He said there's potential. But shouldn't we know by now?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2021 21:13

Do you know? You’re not giving much to go on.

Original poster
confusedpersoninlife · 28/09/2021 21:14

He was madly in love at first, but then he became confused. Now I'm not sure - how can I be, when someone isn't about me?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2021 21:17

It’s a bit like pulling teeth…

What’s he confused by?

Have you told him clearly you want to move in and discussed location, budget, timings?

If not why not?

Original poster
confusedpersoninlife · 28/09/2021 21:19

He's a commitment phobe I guess. Never lived with a woman.

I haven't asked because I know he's not ready. I'm wondering if he ever will be at this stage, after two years.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2021 21:27

What do you want from your life? Living with someone, commitment? marriage, children?

If he’s not going to share your hopes then I’d call it a day.

Elbie79 · 28/09/2021 21:43

It looks like most of the time you have been together it's been Covid, have you been able to go on holidays together? Especially a fortnight of longer? It's a good way of road-testing whether you actually want to live with him and so it's worth the wait/risk. Also whether he's capable of sustained intimacy.

Having been in the same boat id just say be very careful about settling. It feels like an investment having spent two (precious, childbearing?) years with him - but be honest with yourself whether he is actually the one for you. If nothing else him telling you there is "potential" should make you think carefully. I don't think that's very kind.

Original poster
confusedpersoninlife · 28/09/2021 21:47

If nothing else him telling you there is "potential" should make you think carefully.

I agree. I have tried breaking it off a number of times but he really doesn't want to break up. One holiday so far. He doesn't do well with me being around for long periods of time. Just typing this makes me realise this is going to go nowhere...

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedpersoninlife · 28/09/2021 21:47

What do you want from your life? Living with someone, commitment? marriage, children? Yes all these things.

OP posts:
PinzQueen · 28/09/2021 21:56

I believe it takes 6-12 months for a person to decide if they want to you for marriage or for the meantime.

After a year, they know if they are saving up to marry you or keeping you around till they meet someone they can't live without.

Original poster
confusedpersoninlife · 28/09/2021 21:58

To be honest, I don't think he will ever settle or marry. He's not a player. He just doesn't crave or maintain intimacy in the way most people do.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 28/09/2021 22:10

@confusedpersoninlife

He's a commitment phobe I guess. Never lived with a woman.

I haven't asked because I know he's not ready. I'm wondering if he ever will be at this stage, after two years.

If he's not ready, he should still be able to talk about it. If he's an adult.

What do you think would happen if you instigated the conversation? Would he spontaneously combust?

TheFoundations · 28/09/2021 22:11

@confusedpersoninlife

We are both late 30s and have been together two years. We live separately and there's no talk of the future. This is weird, right?
It can't be weird because there's no normal.

This would be ok for some people, and not for others. If you're one and he's the other, you're not compatible.

Original poster
confusedpersoninlife · 28/09/2021 22:13

What do you think would happen if you instigated the conversation? Would he spontaneously combust?

I did once, a few months ago, and he said he didn't want to talk about it right now, to give it some time.

OP posts:
Kindleswitchface · 28/09/2021 22:15

@PinzQueen

I believe it takes 6-12 months for a person to decide if they want to you for marriage or for the meantime.

After a year, they know if they are saving up to marry you or keeping you around till they meet someone they can't live without.

I disagree. I met my DH when I was 21. I spent the first three years of our relationship getting drunk and having fun together. Not everyone wants to run into a relationship.

If you can't ask him about it, I think it says more about you than him, OP. Why are you afraid of asking for what you want and need in a relationship?

Funnylittlefloozie · 28/09/2021 22:16

He doesn't do well with me being around for long periods of time.

Sorry OP, but he sounds like a bit of a prat, and is clearly not that into you. His loss, I suspect.

Original poster
confusedpersoninlife · 28/09/2021 22:19

Honestly I don't think it's personal. I don't think he's cut out for relationships in general. His history speaks for itself. I think I would have ended it sooner if it weren't for the pandemic and lockdown.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 28/09/2021 22:29

I think you are right and that there is no future in this. It sounds as though he'd prefer to live on his own and you obviously want a proper relationship.

Original poster
confusedpersoninlife · 28/09/2021 22:31

What's tough is how attached we have become to one another. It's going to be really, really hard breaking away for good.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 28/09/2021 22:33

@confusedpersoninlife

What do you think would happen if you instigated the conversation? Would he spontaneously combust?

I did once, a few months ago, and he said he didn't want to talk about it right now, to give it some time.

And having given it some time... What do you think would happen if you instigated the conversation..?
Original poster
confusedpersoninlife · 28/09/2021 22:34

What do you think would happen if you instigated the conversation..? I don't think anything will have changed.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2021 22:37

Read what you've written. You are tragically wasting your time with a man who will never commit. If you want children, you are doing yourself a massive disservice. Given you are in your late 30's, time is not on your side. Stop dithering and dump him.

TheFoundations · 28/09/2021 22:53

@confusedpersoninlife

What do you think would happen if you instigated the conversation..? I don't think anything will have changed.
Are you going to give him the opportunity to answer the question, then, given that you clearly need to ask it? Your own communication skills aren't looking great. You're very keen to point out that he isn't cut out for relationships, but people with good relationship skills talk to their partner when there's a problem, and if they find they can't talk to their partner about important things, they leave.
Swipe left for the next trending thread