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Original poster

Child contact on weekends-how does it work?

58 replies

FFSFred · 28/09/2021 20:44

I don't know where to put this to get the right audience with experience of such things.

My exH wants to split the weekends so that he has the dc Friday night to Saturday night. He has enrolled dc in an activity on Sunday and it's not near me so they'd be gone 3 or so hours each Sunday with someone else because he's working that day and can't take them HmmThis means my Sunday revolves around this activity that I had no say in and my other dc are restricted in what they can do on a Sunday. EOW would be great in some ways but he has other dc and needs to work in contact with them too. He doesn't live with any of his dc just to clarify.

Does this sound reasonable for him to request? I'm being told IBU for not wanting to split the weekend in the first place and not wanting our Sunday together disrupted by an activity I didn't agree to. What's the norm with contact on weekends? What is fair for the dc?

Dc live with me and he sees them whenever his shifts allow which varies. There's no pattern to contact. Dc are young teens.

OP posts:
ScaredOfDinosaurs · 28/09/2021 20:48

Why on earth would he sign them up for an activity he can't take them to in his own time?

Fuxk that!

GoWalkabout · 28/09/2021 20:57

That doesn't suit anyone is he trying to control you or is he just stupid?

Comefromaway · 28/09/2021 20:59

Do they want to do the activity? Is it something they love?

Iloveabourbon2 · 28/09/2021 21:03

Is the current pattern nor working anymore OP?

What do your teens want to do? As in how often are they happy to see their father?

CiaoForNiao · 28/09/2021 21:04

So not only do you never get a full weekend with them,, you don't even get a full day with them? Nah. Fuck that.

Original poster
FFSFred · 28/09/2021 21:05

It's something they like but they often miss because of him mixing up times (it changes weekly) and him not telling the person taking them the time.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 28/09/2021 21:06

No to half of every weekend. It limits your family life. And definitely no to the Sunday activity.

Original poster
FFSFred · 28/09/2021 21:15

He can't do a full weekend because of his shifts and his other dc. He lives with his parents and there's no room for all the dc at once.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 28/09/2021 21:18

So he drops them back to you on Saturday night then expects you to ferry them to the thing that he's booked on the Sunday?

He expects this to be a regular commitment?

As a once off or rare occasion I would but not every weekend, no.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 28/09/2021 21:19

My ds's coach knew he could only play eow.. Not an issue..
And my exh got lashed off a judge for organising stuff for the dc in my time...

MissJeanBrodiesprime · 28/09/2021 21:19

Is the activity near him? Does he live near you? Would you have to drive a long way on the Sunday to pick them up anyway?
Do the DC actually want to do it?
He should not have enrolled them without agreeing with you first. He should not be dictating when and how long he has the DC. It all must be agreed between you. Strange that he goes ahead and plans things without discussing first. It sounds to me as though he’s trying to control you. If this is the case don’t make it easy for him, stand your ground now otherwise you’ll have them during the busy tiring week and he gets all the fun.

MissJeanBrodiesprime · 28/09/2021 21:21

Sorry just saw your last post, erm no way should he be organising stuff for you to do. That is definitely not how it works. If you want them to do this activity then fine. If not, then it’s your call entirely.

Pinkspecs · 28/09/2021 21:26

I would always want a full weekend with my children you aren't unreasonable to request that.
I am sure he can make time during the week on the alternate weekends.
Even if it's just to have them after school.
He is going to have to compromise he can't expect to have it all his way.

Theunamedcat · 28/09/2021 21:29

No they are not doing the Sunday activity if he wants them to do an activity he arranges it on his time

Elbie79 · 28/09/2021 21:31

Do you have proof that he can never do a full weekend? Even once a month? And never Sundays?

If so then it probably is fair for him to have some Saturdays. But the children need to have at least one full weekend solely with you a month.

As per PPs, the Sunday activity is completely unreasonable. Certainly you do not have to make the children available. The children are probably old enough to decide whether they want to go, but if it's indicative of XH's general approach of riding roughshod over you then you need to stage a strop about it to try to deter him from acting unilaterally like this again.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 28/09/2021 22:02

Just as another thought to add to PP's (because I agree YANBU) he should be seeing his DC together sometimes too. Obviously they all need individual time with him but it's really wrong to only see them "one set" at a time. EOW individually (full siblings together obviously) and then one day in the week for a meal together or something (with all DC) if they want all stay over together because of bedrooms. The DC should get to see their siblings, not be "first set" and "second set", that's a good way to alienate them for life.

Original poster
FFSFred · 28/09/2021 22:03

His argument is that his Sunday is based around dc activity and if it's ok for him then it should be ok for me. He's definitely working those days as he's shown me the online work rota. I'm not understanding why he's changed his shifts from a pretty predictable pattern to this random chaos. He's claiming it's supposed to be like this. Such bullshit.

OP posts:
LifesNotEnidBlyton · 28/09/2021 22:04

^^ can't all

Original poster
FFSFred · 28/09/2021 22:05

@LifesNotEnidBlyton I agree. Dc here are secondary but then he's trying to keep his most recent ex sweet I guess.

OP posts:
Pinkspecs · 28/09/2021 22:07

I don't think he should be assuming the whole set up works around him though. (I can see why you split up, he sounds really selfish.)

You are totally reasonable to want a weekend with your kids whatever his shifts are he will just have to make time somewhere else like every other parent has to do, his wants don't trump yours.

altmember · 28/09/2021 22:23

For the Sunday activity, if you look at it as being something the child wants to do and your ex is paying for it then that seems ok (but he should have consulted you first). What if your child came direct to you and asked to do this activity?

As for contact, well that seems a nightmare to work around his inconsistent shifts (although it sounds like he always has Saturday off, so there must be a bit of routine in there). But Fri to sat evening isn't very long, is there really no other times he can have them for 2 days together?

We used to alternate partial weekends - I'd have the kids Saturday to Tues one week and sun to Tues the other. But we were flexible enough about times and swapping days that either of us would have the kids for a full weekend if there was something on. Now the kids live with me we do every other weekend, Fri to sun with my ex.

Original poster
FFSFred · 28/09/2021 23:32

He definitely can't or won't have them two days together. He used to but then his shifts changed and his gf chucked him out and now he has to juggle work and two sets of dc in his parents house where there is only one bedroom for the dc who are 5-15 and mixed sexes. I won't be able to win no matter what I do on this.
I'll have to have a think and see what's possible but I really think that's his responsibility seeing as he's the one changing things. I can't get dc to their activity because I can't drive for medical reasons.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/09/2021 05:39

He can have every other weekend, and it's up to him if he can have them all weekend or just part of it.
Obviously they can't do an activity that you can't transport them to - what's his solution to that?
Is he proposing any midweek contact on top?

SD1978 · 29/09/2021 05:42

No way. Every weekend so you never get to do anything you want? He is Friday and Saturday night, someone else has to take them to the activity on a Sunday, and you get part of Sunday as a family? EOW and time during the week is the only fair way

Crikeycroc · 29/09/2021 05:45

Just offer every other weekend and one evening for dinner during the week. It’s his problem that he doesn’t have adequate accomodation for all his many children.

I would suggest you try and sort things out amicably but I can tell he’s clearly not being reasonable based on his attempt to make you facilitate the activity so I wouldn’t bother.