Child contact on weekends-how does it work?

[FFSFred]

I don't know where to put this to get the right audience with experience of such things.

My exH wants to split the weekends so that he has the dc Friday night to Saturday night. He has enrolled dc in an activity on Sunday and it's not near me so they'd be gone 3 or so hours each Sunday with someone else because he's working that day and can't take them This means my Sunday revolves around this activity that I had no say in and my other dc are restricted in what they can do on a Sunday. EOW would be great in some ways but he has other dc and needs to work in contact with them too. He doesn't live with any of his dc just to clarify.

Does this sound reasonable for him to request? I'm being told IBU for not wanting to split the weekend in the first place and not wanting our Sunday together disrupted by an activity I didn't agree to. What's the norm with contact on weekends? What is fair for the dc?

Dc live with me and he sees them whenever his shifts allow which varies. There's no pattern to contact. Dc are young teens.

@FFSFred He is being ridiculous, it's not meant to be a contest. Why should you not get a full weekend just because he can't have one?

Also, you're not getting a properly full weekend anyway because of the activity he signed them up for.

I really wouldn't be happy with this in your shoes. He's the one with the inconvenient job and yet you're the one feeling all of the inconvenience of it.

Not saying you shouldn't make any concessions in order for your children to spend time with their dad (obviously with shift work or whatever it's not as simple as every other weekend) but you don't have a job that impairs you from having them for the weekend, so why should you have to live as if you do?

I would suggest he has them the Friday-Saturday night every other week, and a dinner in the week if possible. Guessing he gets days off during the week to be able to collect them from school and spend a few hours with them out for dinner/at the cinema/bowling, even if it's too far to take them back to his home?

we do whole weekends - lunchtime Saturday to Monday and he takes them to school on Monday morning (so 2 nights).

I had it from the opposite way though - I signed them up (and paid for) to swimming lessons which I think are essential for children, and he kept not taking them on his weekend.

I've spoken to the dc and I'm not sure they want to see him at all. They are really angry and upset that he has changed things and there doesn't seem to be a solution that provides a routine for them.

Could he have them Friday night every week, but one weekend he drops them at yours say Saturday 9/10am and the other they come back Sunday morning? That would give you a reasonable weekend every second weekend, but they'd still get to see him every week. I'd drop the Sunday activity.

That's provided they actually do want to see him. If they want less contact, but still see him they could always do something like dinner or an outing once a week. I'd be cautious though suggesting anything until they've had time to process the changes, they're hurting right now, but they may still want that regular connection once they've had time to think about it.

What a knob!
Really interested in how he will deal with both sets of children, no home of his own and the new girlfriend when he has full residency of the kids. If I was a judge, I wouldn’t even give him a share of a pet!

@FFSFred

I've spoken to the dc and I'm not sure they want to see him at all. They are really angry and upset that he has changed things and there doesn't seem to be a solution that provides a routine for them.

I do think it's important to encourage them to continue to see him regularly.

He is irritating but it does sound like he still wants to maintain contact and the changes are because of his job, not because he can't be arsed. They need to be reassured of that.

Isn't he saying he wants to have them Friday-Saturday night? Couldn't that be a routine for them?

Don't alienate your children trying to be "fair" to someone who causes disruption to there lives my children are not prioritised by there unemployed father (who lives close most the time girlfriend depending) my sons get angry with him for not seeing them messing them around chopping and changing contact and just generally not being there for them I allow them to say they don't want to see him I support them and allow them to talk to me about it all there frustration and disappointment about him a few weeks later they go and see him one day they might not but at the moment staying away when they are angry is an important mental reset