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Original poster

Child contact on weekends-how does it work?

58 replies

FFSFred · 28/09/2021 20:44

I don't know where to put this to get the right audience with experience of such things.

My exH wants to split the weekends so that he has the dc Friday night to Saturday night. He has enrolled dc in an activity on Sunday and it's not near me so they'd be gone 3 or so hours each Sunday with someone else because he's working that day and can't take them This means my Sunday revolves around this activity that I had no say in and my other dc are restricted in what they can do on a Sunday. EOW would be great in some ways but he has other dc and needs to work in contact with them too. He doesn't live with any of his dc just to clarify.

Does this sound reasonable for him to request? I'm being told IBU for not wanting to split the weekend in the first place and not wanting our Sunday together disrupted by an activity I didn't agree to. What's the norm with contact on weekends? What is fair for the dc?

Dc live with me and he sees them whenever his shifts allow which varies. There's no pattern to contact. Dc are young teens.

OP posts:

Crikeycroc · 29/09/2021 05:47

Honestly, the shift work isn’t your issue to manage. If he wants regular contact he needs to find a job with regular hours. You might have facilitated it when you were together but that’s not your problem any more. Children need consistency.

icklekid · 29/09/2021 05:55

Every other weekend could alternate with his other dc? If you can’t drive or take them to the sun activity surely that’s not even something you need to even consider?

HandlebarLadyTash · 29/09/2021 06:51

It wouldn't work for me as an adult.
And it wouldn't work for me as a kid

I was a kid between two divorced parents and it was exhausting going here & there at weekends.
Doing different clubs with the other parent & as I wasent always attending I fell behind at the club.
As I got older I just wanted to have some time with my friends & hang out

Original poster

FFSFred · 29/09/2021 07:11

He gets his mum to come over and collect dc on a Sunday. One time he could actually take them but we were out and he said he'd come to where we were out on a day trip to collect them. This meant I'd have had to organise our day around being at a certain point at a certain time for him to collect. I said no and was told I was being obstructive. I'm not allowed boundaries. I've told him that he needs to find solutions to this as he is the one who has changed the arrangement. I have a few emails in my inbox and I'm dreading opening them as they'll all be about how unreasonable I'm being.

OP posts:

Billandben444 · 29/09/2021 07:16

When my grandson turned 12 he was given a big say in when he saw his dad and stepmother and half-siblings. Have your teen DC said what they want their weekends to look like? Do they have friends/clubs at home that they'd like to be with at the weekends? I think it's about their choices now and not your ex's wishes.

Original poster

FFSFred · 29/09/2021 08:12

They want things to remain as they are because they like to see both of us on the weekends and they want to continue their activity. One dc is really upset that he's working and they can't go for the next couple of months. It was only meant to be a month but now it's 2.5 months of change. The goalposts are constantly moved. They don't really get to see their siblings they said. It's shit.

OP posts:

2catsandhappy · 29/09/2021 08:25

Get someone else to read the emails. They can filter the crap out and just say, 'Yes, all just a lot of moaning. Ignore them.' Make a new folder called 'whiney ex' and file them incase you need them at a later date.

Ripley1977 · 29/09/2021 09:42

My ex did this, signed DS up for sports that affect my days too, I've had to reiterate so many times "you signed him up without even discussing it, your responsibility" (he asked me to take him to his first football match away when my LO was 3 weeks old for example)! How do they become such cheeky entitled arseholes! I feel your pain, just keep repeating nope... unless he's willing to reciprocate in some way to help you too, just say its not possible

Original poster

FFSFred · 29/09/2021 10:12

I am so pissed off today. I'm being selfish, difficult and not focusing on the children. I refuse to sort his mess out.I bet he wants Saturday nights with his new girlfriend. It's a coincidence his new shift pattern coincides with a new girlfriend who he works with

OP posts:

3beforeme · 29/09/2021 10:17

I think I can see the other side of this. I signed my DC up for a weekend activity that affects their time with Exh. They currently have EOW with him but on his Sunday's I collect them and take them to the activity and then drive them back to his afterwards. They are 8 and 10 and it was something they really wanted to to do. I don't think it's fair to make them miss 50 percent of it because they have separated parents. If exh could get them there he would be welcome to take them himself but he can't and wouldn't do anyway as he won't put himself out for them (whole other story!)
I think it boils down to DC's wishes really. If it's something they want to do then really they should be able to do it.

altmember · 29/09/2021 10:56

The more detail you give, the more it sounds like his situation is incompatible with parenting. He works constantly changing shifts, lives at home with his parents, has other kids to fit in contact with too, and a girlfriend to maintain a relationship with on top of.

Kids need stability, as do you with child arrangements. It sounds like he thinks the entire world should revolve around him with no consideration for what's best for everyone else.

If he's working so many hours that he can't see his kids for 2.5 months then surely he can afford to move to a place of his own, with space to accommodate the kids properly? And if he really wanted to maintain a healthy relationship with the kids then he should consider changing to a job with regular hours.

None of this complication is your fault. I've been the non resident parent and I sympathise and relate with anyone in that situation, but your ex is the one making it difficult here.

Original poster

FFSFred · 29/09/2021 11:03

The best bit is he's applied for full residency 🤣

OP posts:

Woodmarsh · 29/09/2021 11:24

We have this in reverse, OH has kids Fri to Sat and their mother has signed one of them up to an activity mid morning near her so OH has to collect them from her town Fri, go back there Sat am for activity, back to ours for rest of the day then back to hers. Written down it sounds even more crazy, I would say no to tis if you can

Theunamedcat · 29/09/2021 12:43

If he has applied for full residency you need to watch your words anything you say will be twisted for example

I've decided the children should be doing football every Sunday ive arranged for x to collect and return

You say that's my day

He screams obstruction and blames you to the kids and court for them not doing the activity and you almost seem Unreasonable because its something the kids like and enjoy doing

What you could say is, that's nice but I would rather spend time with our children its the only weekend day I get would you prefer to swap days or do the activity on a Saturday im sure somewhere does it on that day

He can call you Unreasonable all he likes but you have offered a reasonable response followed by a solution

bjrce · 29/09/2021 12:55

Who is this "Someone else" that's going to drive the DC to their hobby every week?

If you agree to his ridiculous demands, Guess who's going to end up ferrying the DC to their hobby each Sunday morning!

It's not even on his time, so he's in the clear!

Original poster

FFSFred · 29/09/2021 13:13

His mum, or maybe his ex, or maybe his girlfriend.

OP posts:

Original poster

FFSFred · 29/09/2021 13:49

I've told him to let me know when he's worked it out. If it was a temporary change then I'd be fine about it but it's already over twice as long as he said it would be for and he will then argue that the change works well for him and he wants it to continue or his boss assumed this was permanent or whatever. I've done what I can to accommodate his break ups and moving house and change in shifts and need to change things to allow for contact with his other dc but this is going too far now.

OP posts:

HappyDays101010 · 29/09/2021 14:00

Half the weekend - fine, thats what my ex and I do, but him organising activities for 'your' time? Err... no chance, unless a rare one off such as guide camp or something.

LittleMysSister · 29/09/2021 14:04

I wouldn't agree to this OP.

It's one thing to need to be flexible due to shifts and other children, but it's not OK that your only weekend day with your kids is dictated by an activity miles away.

If they really want to continue this activity, could you find a club/team/venue or whatever they need closer to home?

toobusytothink · 29/09/2021 14:06

Why can’t he have your dc one w/e and his others the next. Absolutely no obligation for you to take them to the activity. How strange. Split weekends are rubbish for everyone anyway I reckon

LittleMysSister · 29/09/2021 14:16

@toobusytothink

Why can’t he have your dc one w/e and his others the next. Absolutely no obligation for you to take them to the activity. How strange. Split weekends are rubbish for everyone anyway I reckon

My understanding is that his work means he's not available every weekend to have either set of children, so he's trying to juggle his available time.

Original poster

FFSFred · 29/09/2021 14:25

He works 7am to 9pm on Sundays now. He's just not able to have them.

OP posts:

LittleMysSister · 29/09/2021 16:09

@FFSFred

He works 7am to 9pm on Sundays now. He's just not able to have them.

In this case I would fix Sunday as yours with them but quit that activity.

I'd also try and make a fixed agreement that you also get, say, the first Saturday of each month with them too so that you can make plans sometimes.

Theunamedcat · 29/09/2021 17:43

@FFSFred

He works 7am to 9pm on Sundays now. He's just not able to have them.

I'm seeing that as a him problem not a we or a you problem either he wants to see his kids or he doesn't

Original poster

FFSFred · 29/09/2021 17:43

That's a good idea @LittleMysSister but it was previously dismissed as he can't then have a full weekend because he works. He insists on things being equal but then can't commit to it. He's saying he can have the dc once a week. So how does he plan on having them full time?? He only had them for one week of the 6 week summer holidays and not all at once, just odd days here and there and that was his choice. He could have had 3 weeks, he chose 1.

OP posts:

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