Feeling really low now - no friends!

[Neveratruerfriend]

I'm hoping for some advice/assurance/inspiration from you wise MNs out there.

I posted recently about 2 friends that I have known for decades and how I was left out of them celebrating their birthdays, including one special one. When I sent my birthday wishes they were cagey about the fact they were on holiday with a small group and said yes it's been too long and we must get together soon, yada yada yada.

After 2 weeks there is still radio silence, so the friendships that meant a lot to me appear not to be worth the paper they're written on. It's very painful and I feel utterly rejected. It's not like I have a lot of friends (in reality only 2 friends I could ring up for a chat or meet up 1-1).

It's getting to the point that this is affecting my mood, I'm having nightmares about being left out / isolated and I'm almost considering asking my GP to up my dose of sertraline. I have long-standing anxiety so am on medication for that, which does help to numb the pain a little.

I've thought about practical ways to meet new people and make friends (joining common interest groups etc) but I'm now reluctant to do this because a) I've become self-defeatist and think that people won't particularly like me and b) I'm now so scared of rejection it is easier not to go there.

The problem is, is that this is sucking all the joy out of my life, including having a wonderful and loving partner, a beautiful home, etc. Even when I do gardening or go out for a walk or meal with my loved one, it's sodding there at the back of my mind.

I don't know really what anyone can say that would help, but if you find the time to read this and say something, that would make me feel a whole lot better.

Only time and distracting yourself will help.

Don’t feel bad for how you are feeling, it’s a major blow. I was ditched by a group of friends when I was at a very low point in my life and I carried that sadness for quite some time, always wondering what the reason was.

I rarely think of them now.

It's hard, I've been there, it does get better. It happens to lots of people, and it feels really personal but it's really not about you...it's about them. For whatever reason you're not a good fit for them anymore. Friendships run their course and come and go. People change and have different life stages and different needs and wants. Once you get past the hurt of being rejected you can focus more on all the other things you still have that make your life great. I no longer try to put myself out there and make friends, if it happens it happens. It's easy to look around and feel like everyone has friends but you, but that's not really the case.

I've been in the position of having to make a new friends in a new place - its not easy - its a lot of rejection and dashed hopes and it takes a long time to make friends. I too got dropped by a group who had befriended me.

Hard as it is, if you want friends you do have to pick yourself up and go out there and meet people and look for friends.

@deadleaves

I've been in the position of having to make a new friends in a new place - its not easy - its a lot of rejection and dashed hopes and it takes a long time to make friends. I too got dropped by a group who had befriended me. Hard as it is, if you want friends you do have to pick yourself up and go out there and meet people and look for friends.

Great advice. It's easy to say but you have to try and move on. These people are not good friends - if they were then they would not be treating you like this. You are worth so much more. Think about CBT or Counselling and try and draw a line under them. Concentrate on the positives in your life like your wonderful partner. xx

Thank you all for your support and good advice. I'm hoping as time passes I will feel less sad about it. I have removed their contacts from my phone lists and felt better about having positively affirmed the end the of the friendship.

The thing I don't get is - if someone was trying to reach out to me (like I was trying to connect with these "friends" - I would never treat them like they have done me). I think that's a shitty thing to do to anyone.

I confided in a work friend about the situation with these 2 "friends" and the radio silence re any texts back. She said, "it's funny but in mensworld, they don't do shit like that. If they want to say something they just get on and do it, they're straightforward like that."

So is there something in this? That woman can just be, more bitchy than men (obviously though not as physically violent etc).

She said, "it's funny but in mensworld, they don't do shit like that. If they want to say something they just get on and do it, they're straightforward like that."

I'm not sure I agree. I think men let friendships drift just as much as women. I know DH and several of my male friends have and sometimes it's something specific and sometimes it's just not a good friendship anymore. Like I might ask "why dont you see Mike anymore?" and there's been no big showdown/ falling out, but just something like "he drinks too much/ all he talks about is money/ I don't like his new friendship group" or something equally innocuous like "different lifestyles/ diverging interests"

I definitely dont (IME) see a pattern of men having big formal "friendship ending" arguments where they lay it all out for the other person. If anything they're less confrontational

I agree Insert1x20p, and I think maybe men don't take friendships ending as personally as women. Women are socialised to be very self-critical and we can really agonise over what we did wrong and how others have come to see us. I am trying to do less of this, and just focus on being ok in myself and letting others take me or leave me as I am. Friendship shouldn't be hard and intimidating and worrying, it should be positive and affirming and make you feel loved for who you are.

@childrenoftherevolution

I agree Insert1x20p, and I think maybe men don't take friendships ending as personally as women. Women are socialised to be very self-critical and we can really agonise over what we did wrong and how others have come to see us. I am trying to do less of this, and just focus on being ok in myself and letting others take me or leave me as I am. Friendship shouldn't be hard and intimidating and worrying, it should be positive and affirming and make you feel loved for who you are.

Friendship shouldn't be hard and intimidating and worrying, it should be positive and affirming and make you feel loved for who you are. This.

I think I am finding friendships hard and worrying, for fear that I will lose them. Several friends have been lost over the years and the one common factor is me! I do try though to be a decent human being but wonder if I just don't have that midas touch which makes my mates want to hang about with me.

One of the loveliest friendships I've had was with my MIL but we only knew each other for 3 years before she died. She was the epitome of loving and charm and was very, very popular. (But lonely because the love of her life, her husband, had died a few years before when I met her). I miss her a lot. I also think she was very kind and would never dream of ignoring a text from a friend who expressed a wish to see her.

OP I remember your thread...

these women were not friends.. they were deceitful underhanded snakes.. and Im very glad to see you take affirmative action .. I hope you blocked them all before removing their contact details ...

Is there a club or something you enjoy that you might be able to join .. 🌸

Hi QueenBee

Yes I'm looking into local clubs etc but so far there's not a lot around (except on FB which defeats the point as I have MN for online chat and I am looking for friends IRL).

I haven't blocked them yet in case they do deign to make contact and I would be curious to see how they play it. But given the lack of any communication so far, I don't think I will need to ...

I have literally none now, OP, just a few acquaintances. I do think the pandemic has had an impact on a lot of friendships, but also - as you say - the common factor is me. I’ve actually just let one friendship fade out as she was so self-absorbed it was exhausting. Overall I’m finding it painful too.

I feel for you. It's tough to make meaningful connections.
Are there any social type groups where the activity is the focus? Learning a craft, yoga, book group, conservation?
With social being second to the activity something like that could be helpful to ease you back in?
I also know the Guide Association can be great for widening your connections and they are desperate for volunteers?

And I remember reading your post. They're not worth your friendship.

The thing I don't get is - if someone was trying to reach out to me (like I was trying to connect with these "friends" - I would never treat them like they have done me). I think that's a shitty thing to do to anyone.

And that is precisely why they did this. Because they are mean spirited small minded bullies who get their kicks from playing with the feelings of people they know have higher moral standards and gentler hearts than them.

Because you are a nice person, you assume others are. It can be very painful to discover lots of people aren't. Lots of adults are immature, game-playing bullies. The only solution, once the initial shock and pain starts to lessen a bit, is to raise your game. Go out and meet new people but be very careful before you befriend them. Don't roll over all puppyishly. Be selective and have a short list in your own head of thing you seek in a friend and things that you absolutely won't ever tolerate again.

Look for people with shared values, and strong shared interests rather than social butterflies. In my experience, women who still move in gangs in their thirties and forties are shallower and insecure - far more likely to play 'let's leave out one person for fun'.

It's not easy but it is also worth having an honest look at your own social behaviour. If someone is always late, or always loves a good moan, thinking friendship is a sounding board for all the petty grievances in life, or frequently cancels at the last minute or is deeply insecure or really fussy and alters plans to fit their specific needs rather than tolerating a bit of discomfort sometimes and just mucking in - well, long term, even nice people will get frustrated. Or if someone is a gossip, good friends won't hang around. If you are guilty of any of these, you can work on changing. If you are not, you really do have to trust it's them not you.

DS was bullied and excluded last year. "Freinds' played cat and mouse with him, inviting him out then cancelling then plastering what they'd done without him all over SM. He was in a new city in lockdown and it almost destroyed him. He was so sure there was something wrong with him. In summer when lockdown lifted he had the guts to go back, make new friends and volunteer for a few charities. He is now so popular, his problem is how to manage his social life.

You are worth way more than people who behave like this. Focus on your interests, go out and develop them. Raise the bar and look for people who are kind, gentle, loyal, emotionally intelligent. Give yourself at least a year to explore - cast your net wide - fitness classes and hobbies and volunteering, MeetUps and choirs and lectures and workshops. You sound like a nice person and there are a lot of women out there who value that in a friend.

Oh sorry. What a lecture!

@SparklingLime
I agree that the pandemic has impacted on several of my friendships in that the lack of opportunity to meet up has resulted in out of sight, out of mind. Like you, I have several acquaintance-type friends but probably only 2 close friends (as well as my husband).

I also lost some friends when I split up with my ex several years ago - it seems to be a fact that people will take sides. I left him for someone else because my ex was domineering and took me for granted. By contrast my now-husband loves me very much and cherishes me absolutely. Ironically I had no end of people queueing up to tell me how horrible my ex was (even those who eventually sided with him!)

@GrimDamnFanjo
I'm still looking to see what may be around. I think a group setting for some activity would be perfect. I'm fairly low maintenance and just to see some people regularly and enjoy the time I'm there will be enough. I feel a bit burned by experience and would rather not become too pally with anyone new for now.

@leavesthataregreen

Oh sorry. What a lecture!

😂🌸

@leavesthataregreen

Thank you for your "lecture", I really appreciate your thoughts and there is a lot of good advice too. I know I have faults (I do like a good moan, probably why I like it on here so much, and I can be a bit intense, eg on topical issues). However I'm always on time! But I do try to be self-aware and genuinely would prefer if someone told me I was out of line ... so though I'm flawed I don't think I'm a horrible person.

OP - I feel for you. I've been in a situation where I've been "phased out" and it can be really hurtful.

In my case I gave them 6 months, had no contact in that time, then blocked them (as much to make sure I didn't contact them in a weak moment!). It did feel better to do that.

I still wonder what was behind it all, I'll probably never really know. But I'm making the effort to meet people, either through sports activities, voluntary stuff or similar.

I think if you focus on spending your time doing stuff you enjoy, you'll end up meeting people you have stuff in common with.

@greyinganddecaying

Yes it's really horrible, isn't it, the ways in which friends phase you out! I wish friends could end it with us like in a relationship - once you've decided it's over, that's it. You know it, your (STB) ex partner knows it, and the whole world knows it.

No need for mean or sly tactics such as ignoring messages and / or ignoring calls for help. When I decided to leave my ex, yes it was hard, painful and emotionally traumatic. But it was relatively quick in that the pain was a lot harder but faster to heal. With decaying friendships on the other hand, it's like a slow, painful burn (when you're not always sure what is going on).

Completely agree. It would still be upsetting, but at you'd know where you stand

You are in charge of this. You know what's wrong, you know the solution, and you won't do it.

Why are you so scared of rejection if you're meeting new friends? It won't be anything like what's just happened because being turned down for a coffee with someone you met last week at Parkrun is nothing like realising that 2 longstanding friends aren't what you thought they were.

I think you might benefit from looking into self validation. It seems like you've lost the validation of your 2 friends and now you can't take any more lack of validation from the outside world. What you need, though, is the knowledge that if people all reject you, you would be ok, because you would not reject yourself. You'd have your interests, your work, you'd go to interesting places, do interesting things, you'd achieve stuff, all by yourself. Start building that life now. Those are things that cannot reject you. They would not be reliant on the input of anybody else.

If you focus on building your own life, you will meet new people with similar interests along the way, as a side effect. It's a better way to meet friends than 'Oh, my friends left me and I'm so sad, I need to replace them'.

@TheFoundations

Some tough words here but you've raised a really interesting point about self-validation. You are right, I have a lot going for me and I need to crack on with it. Part of what I'm currently going through is because the pain is still recent (losing friends can be almost as traumatic as losing a partner - who knew?)

I am finding this thread really helpful and I genuinely appreciate everyone's input. You're all very positive and supportive which believe it or not has made me feel better today.

Hopefully soon I will be able to drop feeling so bad about the friends who have left me. I do hope though that I never unintentionally treat anyone else in this way.

Tuff luvv, innit. It's all meant with kindness.

I had a really close friend suddenly stop talking to me without explanation a few years back. We worked in the same office and she blanked me there, too. Didn't respond to me in meetings, let doors go in my face. Bloody weird. No warning at all. It really hurt, and I do sympathise (as well as kicking you up the bum )