Feeling really low now - no friends!

[Neveratruerfriend]

I'm hoping for some advice/assurance/inspiration from you wise MNs out there.

I posted recently about 2 friends that I have known for decades and how I was left out of them celebrating their birthdays, including one special one. When I sent my birthday wishes they were cagey about the fact they were on holiday with a small group and said yes it's been too long and we must get together soon, yada yada yada.

After 2 weeks there is still radio silence, so the friendships that meant a lot to me appear not to be worth the paper they're written on. It's very painful and I feel utterly rejected. It's not like I have a lot of friends (in reality only 2 friends I could ring up for a chat or meet up 1-1).

It's getting to the point that this is affecting my mood, I'm having nightmares about being left out / isolated and I'm almost considering asking my GP to up my dose of sertraline. I have long-standing anxiety so am on medication for that, which does help to numb the pain a little.

I've thought about practical ways to meet new people and make friends (joining common interest groups etc) but I'm now reluctant to do this because a) I've become self-defeatist and think that people won't particularly like me and b) I'm now so scared of rejection it is easier not to go there.

The problem is, is that this is sucking all the joy out of my life, including having a wonderful and loving partner, a beautiful home, etc. Even when I do gardening or go out for a walk or meal with my loved one, it's sodding there at the back of my mind.

I don't know really what anyone can say that would help, but if you find the time to read this and say something, that would make me feel a whole lot better.

OP, you asked earlier why I phased a friendship out. I put up for years with a lot of minor disrespect - always late by at least twenty minutes, always talking long about herself and her woes but cutting me off very quickly if I ever tried to discuss any needs or concerns of my own. But the thing that really upset me was when she gossiped about some very sensitive news about my son and was laughing about him. I couldn't forgive that.

We do still see each other every few weeks for a quick walk, and I'll still help her out if she's ill. We have a lot in common still - similar interests and careers. But I no longer trust respect or like her very much so I never ever contact her, I only ever respond to her contacting me.

I'm sure you never did anything like that.

If you can find some clubs or activities that you enjoy, get involved..but do it for the pleasure it gives you not to make a beeline for possible friends.

I have noticed that friendships will grow from clubs if you give them a long time. I joined a few fitness classes a year ago. In both groups it was just this week that one crowd of women invited me out for coffee (they had already known each other for years) and in the other group one person turned up at my door with some spontaneous presents she'd made and another invited me for a walk. So nice and unexpected but it made me smile - it's so English to take a year to thaw out.

Have a look into meetup UK. There may be local meet ups near you where you can meet new people and make new friends.

I think lots of people go through this at some point in their life.

Whether it be moving to a new city, coming out of a relationship or for other reasons, loneliness is the one thing that everyone has experienced at some point or another. You are not alone in feeling this.

I think these people aren't friends.

Focus on yourself and rebuilding your self esteem. This is a problem that you can fix.

If someone didn’t like, trust or respect me, I’d rather they dropped me tbh.

⬆️ Replying to @leavesthataregreen

Op, you say that these "friends" were unkind and didn't respond to you reaching out which just proves they may not have been worth knowing anyway. Friendships can be found in people that are less obvious, ie perhaps a person older than yourself for example. Your mother in law sounded lovely and it shows that you can recognise a true friendship. Don't settle for less. Some "friends" can be insincere and the fact that these people treated you poorly says more about their characters than about you. Go out there with hope and you will find a friend who deserves you.

@leavesthataregreen

Thank you for sharing this. No, I would not be like your friend and I think it's something that you haven't cut off all ties completely.

I think I have been a bit of a doormat in the past with some friends, who then binned me off once they became bored with me. There maybe some parallels with people (a bit damaged?) who seek relationships that aren't good for them. I used to be in one of those with my ex. He wasn't a bad person and he had issues of his own but he dominated our relationship and took me totally for granted.

I was the main earner and financial support in my former marriage and he had an ego where he acted like the big "I am". One day I met somebody else and quickly decided to leave him for my current love of my life. At that time there were a lot of people queueing up to tell me how ghastly he was, though a lot of those ultimately sided with him as the injured "he was the one that got left" party.

Fortunately I seem to have finally learned the lessons about what constitutes a good, healthy relationship and I have been blissfully happy with my partner. I realise now what the indicators are of an unhealthy and unbalanced relationship. I now need to take some of this learning and apply it to my friendships.

Are you fun OP? Do you have a bit of banter and humour? People start these threads are always go on about how nice they are, on time they are etc which are important aspects, but I wouldn't have a proper friendship with someone who didn't have some banter and fun too.

@CookPassBabtridge

You're asking the right person here! When I'm happy and contented I can be as good fun as anyone. Certainly with my partner we have a lot of laughs which I think is one of the main strengths of our relationship.

I am also quite happy to send myself up. Sometimes I may appear serious on the outside ( or a bit reserved or quiet if unsure in company) but inside I don't take myself too seriously.

Nice is a strange concept, isn't it? I'm sure a lot of people will describe me as nice but secretly my aspiration is for someone who'd describe me as scary

@SparklingLime

If someone didn’t like, trust or respect me, I’d rather they dropped me tbh.

Yeah, well I have. I make no effort at all. But if she asks for a walk every few months, that's no big deal for either of us and far better to stay civilised and a bit kind to each other than to say no, I think. I don't play with people's feelings.

[quote Neveratruerfriend]@CookPassBabtridge

You're asking the right person here! When I'm happy and contented I can be as good fun as anyone. Certainly with my partner we have a lot of laughs which I think is one of the main strengths of our relationship.

I am also quite happy to send myself up. Sometimes I may appear serious on the outside ( or a bit reserved or quiet if unsure in company) but inside I don't take myself too seriously.

Nice is a strange concept, isn't it? I'm sure a lot of people will describe me as nice but secretly my aspiration is for someone who'd describe me as scary [/quote]
Well you sound ace then