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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling really low now - no friends!

62 replies

Neveratruerfriend · 27/09/2021 11:49

I'm hoping for some advice/assurance/inspiration from you wise MNs out there.

I posted recently about 2 friends that I have known for decades and how I was left out of them celebrating their birthdays, including one special one. When I sent my birthday wishes they were cagey about the fact they were on holiday with a small group and said yes it's been too long and we must get together soon, yada yada yada.

After 2 weeks there is still radio silence, so the friendships that meant a lot to me appear not to be worth the paper they're written on. It's very painful and I feel utterly rejected. It's not like I have a lot of friends (in reality only 2 friends I could ring up for a chat or meet up 1-1).

It's getting to the point that this is affecting my mood, I'm having nightmares about being left out / isolated and I'm almost considering asking my GP to up my dose of sertraline. I have long-standing anxiety so am on medication for that, which does help to numb the pain a little.

I've thought about practical ways to meet new people and make friends (joining common interest groups etc) but I'm now reluctant to do this because a) I've become self-defeatist and think that people won't particularly like me and b) I'm now so scared of rejection it is easier not to go there.

The problem is, is that this is sucking all the joy out of my life, including having a wonderful and loving partner, a beautiful home, etc. Even when I do gardening or go out for a walk or meal with my loved one, it's sodding there at the back of my mind.

I don't know really what anyone can say that would help, but if you find the time to read this and say something, that would make me feel a whole lot better.

OP posts:
leavesthataregreen · 28/09/2021 16:57

In the past I have been guilty of phasing friends out. It's always because they have been consistently selfish or the friendship has been one-sided for a very long time. I know one ex-close friend is hurt and a bit bewildered but she doesn't ask (we still meet up casually sometimes) and I can't bring myself to explain how hurt I was by her behaviour.

Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 28/09/2021 17:12

@leavesthataregreen

Thanks for sharing the other perspective, it's interesting to have your take on this. Would you mind divulging what your friend's behaviour was that led you to phase her out?

I'm wondering about whether to create a reverse thread, (trying) to put myself in the shoes of the friends who dumped me!

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 28/09/2021 17:22

[quote Neveratruerfriend]@leavesthataregreen

Thanks for sharing the other perspective, it's interesting to have your take on this. Would you mind divulging what your friend's behaviour was that led you to phase her out?

I'm wondering about whether to create a reverse thread, (trying) to put myself in the shoes of the friends who dumped me![/quote]

Reverse threads are never well received 🌸

childrenoftherevolution · 28/09/2021 17:23

You can drive yourself crazy trying to work out why they did it to you, and you'll never actually know unless they decide to tell you the truth. This is unlikely because even if you all want to have that conversation, they probably don't even really know themselves. And if they tell you things they don't like about you, that won't make you feel better! You don't need to know, you need to move on. Your energies would be better spent on CBT and mindfulness techniques to train your brain to move through and past this.

Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 28/09/2021 17:34

I've now done a reverse thread - if you're interested find it here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4361348-Binning-off-a-friend-reverse?watched=1

Oh just seen the warning re reverse threads but I have been open that that is what it is ...

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 28/09/2021 17:39

You’ve had some good advice and empathy on this thread, OP. I truly don’t know what you hope to get from that reverse thread.

TheFoundations · 28/09/2021 17:40

What are you doing, OP?

You're 60, not 16.

They were friends. They didn't treat you in a way that felt good to you. Walk away. That's it. That's the sum total of how this story should look. A thread for a bit of advice/assurance is a sign of self esteem that needs a little work, but 2 threads is like playing obsessive mind games with yourself.

Why do you care so much about these friends dropping you? Why do you care so much about the opinions of strangers that you will post 2 threads at once? What do you want people to say, and what will it do for you? Work that out, and then work out how you can do that for yourself.

It sounds like schoolgirl drama.

Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 28/09/2021 17:43

Okay, I've asked MN to pull the reverse thread. Funny though, just writing it down was quite cathartic!

OP posts:
HunterCatMum · 28/09/2021 17:46

Hi, look for social groups on Facebook. Depending on where you live you may find some. I did and they’re about friendships and people wanting to get out and meet people for a variety of reasons. Everyone was so welcoming

TheFoundations · 28/09/2021 17:52

@Neveratruerfriend

Okay, I've asked MN to pull the reverse thread. Funny though, just writing it down was quite cathartic!
Again, that suggests the need for external validation. Not that anybody validated it, but that getting it out of your head into the world stopped it being just yours to deal with.

Do you generally feel listened to, OP? Heard? Respected? Did you as a kid? Did your parents listen to you, and listen to each other? Was it a house full of respect?

Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 28/09/2021 17:53

@HunterCatMum

Hi there, I'm trying. So far the only social groups on FB in my area are for runners, business networking or mums & dads. There is another group but it seems to be based on-line only.

I will keep looking out - I guess I could start one of my own. Also I like your user name, as I have one of those!

OP posts:
Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 28/09/2021 17:56

@TheFoundations

You've hit a bullseye right here:
Do you generally feel listened to, OP? Heard? Respected? Did you as a kid? Did your parents listen to you, and listen to each other? Was it a house full of respect?

Generally no. I'm the youngest of a large family and felt lowest in the pecking order. It was a nice family and I have lots of good memories, but I didn't feel anyone really listened to me. My mum always used to say to me "don't interrupt".

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 28/09/2021 18:01

OK. So, the other part to it is, is there a bit of you inside that is in some way having a tantrum about these friends doing what they've done? Some part of you crying and saying 'It's not fair!' or 'I HATE YOU!!!' or swearing, or something?

Aggy35 · 28/09/2021 18:05

As someone already said friendships run ththeicourse.Sadly some can also become toxic.
I moved to a new area couple of years ago and thought I'd swallow.my pride and go on bumble friends.I now have 3 new (ish) fantastic friends i can count on.Making friends when you are not a teenager anymore can be tough.I decided to be proactive about it .Perhaps its your time to join a book club,download an app etc?

Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 28/09/2021 18:06

Yes I'm sure mixed up in the hurt is some anger and resentment which is probably to be expected.

I'm sure they have their reasons (I did have a reasoned guess what these may be in my reverse thread draft) but I like to think I would never do this to someone myself, as I think even at a base level it's plain inconsiderate and rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 28/09/2021 18:08

Thanks Aggy, I'd forgotten about Bumble. Maybe now's the time to look at it.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 28/09/2021 18:18

So, that little girl that didn't get listened to as a kid is still just as present in you as she was when you actually were a little kid.

She has now been overlaid with a grown up body and some grown up experiences and some grown up responsibilities, but she is no less there.

Your friendships have been reassuring her that she is nice/lovable/acceptable/sweet/kind/whatever, and now that those friendships have let her down, she needs her mum or dad to be there for her, and reassure her that she is nice/lovable etc. But she knows that she will likely have her feelings minimised by some sort of 'Dont interrupt' response: her feelings will not be considered important. And that feels like absolute shit.

The thing is, when we grow up, we are meant to step into the parent shoes ourselves: when we feel down, we soothe ourselves in the way our parents used to soothe us. Is it starting to make sense? You are doing for yourself what your parents did for you. 'Shush, with your feelings of resentment, they're not important! If you've got a problem, go and fix it yourself!' And so you try to look for new friends, but you're gutted because you've had no reassurance or love about your upset feelings at all.

And I suspect that's why you're here; looking for people to tell you it'll be alright, there's lots of friends, lots of people will love you, you don't need to be upset. A sort of virtual hug.

Am I miles off the mark?

gavisconismyfriend · 28/09/2021 18:27

Someone once said to me that friendships are for a season. Sometimes the season is long, sometimes forever, sometimes short. I wonder if that might be a helpful way to think about building new friendships, that they will be for a season however long it lasts - rather than almost watching and waiting for them to end and therefore not enjoying them whilst they last?

FreshFreesias · 28/09/2021 18:43

I’ve been in your situation and am the same age OP, and what helped was getting an amazing therapist.
I realised I was so down on myself, people were picking up on that and reflecting my views about myself right back at me.
People treat you how you treat yourself, was my takeaway.
Fortunately I’m introverted and have a few passionate interests, so have made some buddies that way.
But at the end of the day I say to myself, even if I’m on my own, that is enough.

IrishMamaMia · 28/09/2021 18:48

I understand how you're feeling, I have depression and can become very fixated on my shortcomings when I'm low. For example I've always had difficulty establishing work friendships, probably because I'm a bit socially anxious.
In recent years I had a few life changes and I loved house. Have got involved in some social groups locally and have really met lovely people through them. The key has been attending regularly.
Don't let the past hold you back, move on and meet your new friends :)!

IrishMamaMia · 28/09/2021 18:50

@FreshFreesias I'm borrowing that motto.

Peggytheredhen · 28/09/2021 19:07

This happened to me too OP, and actually it's only 15 years on that I have stopped caring and missing them. I don't mean to imply that I have been thinking about it constantly for 15 years but whenever I did it would make me sad. So, it is a big deal for you. However, I have reflected a lot and realised that I was not the only one at fault or imagining the things which ended the friendship. They just weren't as bothered about me as I thought they were and had, I think, been phasing me out for a while. I spent a while alone, and hanging around with my partner. I lost a lot of confidence. Eventually I found some lovely friends and reconnected with some old ones that I had semi lost touch with. Also, a few good friends I have made through work. It's really never too late to put the past behind you and meet new people OP. Work on your self esteem by doing things you enjoy or are good at. I am sure you are lovely so don't think it's you. People can be weird and many of us don't click with everyone. It sounds like you've had bad friendship luck, I can definitely relate if I look back at my life. It does not mean that is the way it is forever. When I was at my loneliest I used to start conversations with almost anyone Grin I talked absolute crap a lot of the time but just gave it a go whenever I met someone who looked reasonably nice and it paid off!

Peggytheredhen · 28/09/2021 19:09

I realised I was so down on myself, people were picking up on that and reflecting my views about myself right back at me.
People treat you how you treat yourself, was my takeaway.

Definitely this. It's a cruel but vicious circle.

Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 28/09/2021 20:06

@TheFoundations
And I suspect that's why you're here; looking for people to tell you it'll be alright, there's lots of friends, lots of people will love you, you don't need to be upset. A sort of virtual hug.

Well, yes of course. That's what is so good about being here, it's a safe place to explore these things - for me and lots of other posters. Believe me, I have tried to work through my friendship issues with friends in the past, and I guarantee it's one sure way to ensure your friends run a mile!

I'm taking bits of wisdom from all the latest comments too and it's reassuring to hear that others have been through this as well. And even better to hear that many of you are now thriving and making new friends.

To quote Peggy:
They just weren't as bothered about me as I thought they were and had, I think, been phasing me out for a while

Seasonal friends indeed - probably we all have them. Yes, best to enjoy them while you can and try to keep in the moment.

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 28/09/2021 20:16

Sometimes you have to wait for people to come to you.
If you can find some clubs or activities that you enjoy, get involved..but do it for the pleasure it gives you not to make a beeline for possible friends.
Its a delicate balance not to appear needy which tends to put folk off or too offhand which makes them think you are not approachable!!
If you are doing something you enjoy then you will be more relaxed and open to a casual conversation which in turn is the start of friendship.
Good luck.. and dont be hard on yourself... lots of people.. myself included.. do not have loads of 'friends' but know enough people well enough to be comfortable with them and ourselves...