Kind husband turned into abuser

[Bingopants]

My teenage ds (only child) has always been over indulged by his dad. They spend most of their time together and rarely allow me to join them on excursions etc.

Up until last week, my husband had never even raised voice to me.

For years, I have begged him to stand up for on the many occasions that ds has been rude to me, but he never has.

Last week, he suddenly became abusive.

Made me leave family home and stay in hotel after I got into argument with him and son.

Accused me of throwing out my own son (18) when I said I needed some space after recent emotional abuse.

Accused me of putting pets before my child.

Stands by whilst my son speaks to me rudely.

Pretends he thinks I am about to attack him when I touched his arm and made sarcastic remark about women attacking men.

Angry explosions of temper. Unprovoked.

Says he is having breakdown and expresses suicidal intents. His distress was genuine, but I felt he was trying to guilt trip me.

Listens into my private telephone conversations.

Tells me my son will leave with him if we split up, implying he is the preferred parent.

Refuses to eat, sleep or spend any meaningful time with me.

Rarely shows affection.

My head is in pieces. I don't know where to turn.

Is divorce inevitable? I don't earn much from my part time job. He is the main breadwinner. My son always sides with him. Both our names are on the mortgage.

Any advice would be welcome.

Divorce this abusing controlling bastard .. 🌸

He will either buy you out of the house or it will be sold.. either way you need a Lawyer and let them handle everything ..

In what way is your son speaking to you rudely, what happened for you to make him leave?

@Marmelace

He was screaming at me, saying he hated me and didn't want to live with me anymore.

This was because dh and I argued about the fact he does not support me when I tell my son not to be rude (shouting at me etc).

@Marmelace

In what way is your son speaking to you rudely, what happened for you to make him leave?

its all there in the OP's opening thread

@Marmelace - sorry, my OP is misleading. I didn't throw ds out. I asked him and his dad to go to FILs overnight as I needed some space after the hotel incident.

[quote Bingopants]@Marmelace - sorry, my OP is misleading. I didn't throw ds out. I asked him and his dad to go to FILs overnight as I needed some space after the hotel incident.[/quote]

not an unreasonable request tbf 🌸

Thank you @QueenBee52 @FlorrieLindley @mistlethrush @november90 @RandomMess @Starjammer

I feel the trust has gone. I also feel that he has badly affected my relationship with my son.

Then you have to think of yourself alone. Solicitor and divorce. Your son is an adult, you and your H only have to come to a financial agreement, so do the little ducks thing quickly and get yourself somewhere you can relax and feel safe.

Best of luck.

Perhaps the first thing for you to realise is that this is not a case of your kind husband having become abusive. Your husband has never been kind and he has always been abusive.

A kind husband would not exclude you from weekend excursions with your shared child. A kind husband would not build a relationship with your shared child which excludes you. A kind husband would back you up if your child was treating you badly.

In fact, your husband has clearly f*cked up your son as well as you - he's taught your son to regard you as an outsider, has taught him to look down on you and has generally taught your son that you are unimportant in the family set-up.

There are ways of abusing people which do not involve shouting at them. My husband has shouted at me sometimes. I've sometimes shouted at him. Neither of us would dream of doing the kind of thing which your H has done.

Your OP actually chilled me because it showed how subtle abuse can be.

He's always isolated you. He's never let you join their 'fun' times. He's always been the Disney parents while you presumably stayed home and did the wife work?

He's not suddenly become abusive, he's just stopped being so discrete.

Leave him OP x

He's never been kind. He's isolating you and setting his own child against his mother.

I'd play the long game with your son. I'd leave your husband and get a good lawyer onto the financial side of things. Your son will live with your husband. However, your husband won't cope without having you there to criticise. He'll end up turning on your son and that's when your son will come back to you.

Even then, I wouldn't let your son move in with you. Those abusive habits are learned early and are hard to lose.

What Dery said.

Your husband has been abusing you for many years. He has brought up your DS to be rude to you and not to respect you. He has left you out of excursions, he hasn't supported you when you needed it. You list all the ways he has treated you badly.

He's been leading up to this point for a long time by the look of it.

From a marriage perspective, I can see no other way but to get some legal advice and start taking steps to separate. Make sure you get a fair settlement.

I can see this is much more complicated for you because of the wedge your DH has driven between you and your son. As your son is an adult, he'll make his own choices, but if I were you I would try to have a calm conversation with him, to tell him I love him and always will. That I don't understand why he holds me in such low regard. That I hope we can have a good relationship moving forward. That I'll always be there for him.

Don't let your husband use your son as a tool to control you or punish you. Once you remove your husband's power over you, your son may start to see him for what he is.

Don't give up on your son. But don't be a doormat either.

Does he have a bimbo or a brain tumour?

@Dery

Perhaps the first thing for you to realise is that this is not a case of your kind husband having become abusive. Your husband has never been kind and he has always been abusive.

A kind husband would not exclude you from weekend excursions with your shared child. A kind husband would not build a relationship with your shared child which excludes you. A kind husband would back you up if your child was treating you badly.

In fact, your husband has clearly f*cked up your son as well as you - he's taught your son to regard you as an outsider, has taught him to look down on you and has generally taught your son that you are unimportant in the family set-up.

There are ways of abusing people which do not involve shouting at them. My husband has shouted at me sometimes. I've sometimes shouted at him. Neither of us would dream of doing the kind of thing which your H has done.

Your OP actually chilled me because it showed how subtle abuse can be.

Totally agree with this 100%

Your husband sounds awful.

I know your husband is a worm, but how do you not have a close relationship with DS though? I can't imagine a child siding so heavily with one parent without some underlying problems, even with your husbands manipulation.

I've read another woman on here whose weird abusive partner set her son against her. He was doing it from a young age. There was a real."us together, her outsider mentality", It was very sinister to read about.
I'm not sure what happened in her case.

Its abusive, 100%.
And a creepy, psychological abuse thats almost worse than straight out violence in some ways. Also because it alienates your own child from you; quite evil.

Your married so you're entitled to half joint assets and pensions as a starting point. Talk to a solicitor, you might get a free first half hr. You are going to need to be well prepared to deal with a twisted fkr like this.

It also seems pointless to get into a tug of war over a, in many ways, adult son. Let him live with him if he wants; since your son is hard work and disrespectful it will give you a break. But your door is always open to him you love him etc etc .... should always be made clear

@SleepingBunnies21 I didn't know this was a thing. Sounds heart breaking ☹️

Your son is an adult, and is making his own choices. Who he chooses to live with, will not matter in regards to leaving/ divorcing. I'm not saying the situation with your son isn't in part your husbands fault, but this young adult has made is choices. You need to leave them both and start somewhere new.

You son is still very young, it could take him quite some time to see yourself and his dad as you really are. You're going to have to be laid back and patient (while taking no shit).

@Dery

Perhaps the first thing for you to realise is that this is not a case of your kind husband having become abusive. Your husband has never been kind and he has always been abusive.

A kind husband would not exclude you from weekend excursions with your shared child. A kind husband would not build a relationship with your shared child which excludes you. A kind husband would back you up if your child was treating you badly.

In fact, your husband has clearly f*cked up your son as well as you - he's taught your son to regard you as an outsider, has taught him to look down on you and has generally taught your son that you are unimportant in the family set-up.

There are ways of abusing people which do not involve shouting at them. My husband has shouted at me sometimes. I've sometimes shouted at him. Neither of us would dream of doing the kind of thing which your H has done.

Your OP actually chilled me because it showed how subtle abuse can be.

so true

I would absolutely advise you to prepare for the worst. Your situation sounds very similar to mine.

My late husband suddenly decided that he wanted a divorce. He had never shouted or been violent, but looking back, he controlled our family. He only did things one on one with the children.

Adult children sided with him and all of them tried to get me out of the house. I was devastated.

As a pp wondered, he did have a brain tumour. I did care for him, as best I could, and endured horrendous abuse from him and one of our adult children.

I know that a brain tumour is awful, but I am utterly sure that I finally saw the true him. And it was scary.

I am much happier and healthier now, but have had to accept that I will never have a relationship with two of my three children.

Had he not passed away, I think that our children would have soon come to realise what a very difficult person he was, and that I absorbed all of his negativity.

If I had my time again, I would have left immediately, and not looked back. The damage he did to my relationships with my children, both before and after diagnosis was catastrophic.

I am concerned from your post, that your husband may be similar to mine. Mine also accused me of preferring the dog over him.

The three months of the divorce process, before his diagnosis was hell on earth. So, just in case, see a solicitor, plan for your future alone, and look after yourself.

On a brighter note, the one son who was closer to their dad than his brother, is the one who has seen through his dad. We share a home and get on very well together.

I wish you every luck, and will be hoping that things work out for you.

@BasicDad

Your husband sounds awful.

I know your husband is a worm, but how do you not have a close relationship with DS though? I can't imagine a child siding so heavily with one parent without some underlying problems, even with your husbands manipulation.

@BasicDad It's called parental alienation. It's a recognised form of abuse.