Kind husband turned into abuser

[Bingopants]

My teenage ds (only child) has always been over indulged by his dad. They spend most of their time together and rarely allow me to join them on excursions etc.

Up until last week, my husband had never even raised voice to me.

For years, I have begged him to stand up for on the many occasions that ds has been rude to me, but he never has.

Last week, he suddenly became abusive.

Made me leave family home and stay in hotel after I got into argument with him and son.

Accused me of throwing out my own son (18) when I said I needed some space after recent emotional abuse.

Accused me of putting pets before my child.

Stands by whilst my son speaks to me rudely.

Pretends he thinks I am about to attack him when I touched his arm and made sarcastic remark about women attacking men.

Angry explosions of temper. Unprovoked.

Says he is having breakdown and expresses suicidal intents. His distress was genuine, but I felt he was trying to guilt trip me.

Listens into my private telephone conversations.

Tells me my son will leave with him if we split up, implying he is the preferred parent.

Refuses to eat, sleep or spend any meaningful time with me.

Rarely shows affection.

My head is in pieces. I don't know where to turn.

Is divorce inevitable? I don't earn much from my part time job. He is the main breadwinner. My son always sides with him. Both our names are on the mortgage.

Any advice would be welcome.

As on, the husband has abused the OP and their son by manipulating their child against her.

Heard of it with separated/divorced parents, which is bad enough. Doing it under someone's nose is evil ☹️

Thanks @BasicDad @Outfoxedbyrabbits @Dippydog @QueenBee52 @SleepingBunnies21 @SD1978 @TulipVictory @Justilou1 @layladomino @Onelifeonly @Onelifeonly @HollowTalk @girlmom21 @Dery @Starjammer @RandomMess @november90 @mistlethrush @FlorrieLindley @CuriousaboutSamphire @Marmelace

I really appreciate your comments, especially as made me realise that I am not overreacting

How awful. He’s trained your son to be an abuser. You need legal help. How old are you? You need to start again and build a life without them

You already know the answer...move on from this awful situation. Your son and husband will be more abusive as time passes. You don't deserve this.

Up until last week, my husband had never even raised voice to me.

For years, I have begged him to stand up for on the many occasions that ds has been rude to me, but he never has.

Last week, he suddenly became abusive.

As PPs have said, I think you need to accept that your husband has always been abusive - it's just that up until now he's been able to control you without raising his voice. Your whole OP is a literal list of ways he has abused you, this has been going on for a long, long time.

Your son is behaving towards you in the way that his father has modelled for him. Do you ever get any time alone with your son, without his father there?

I think you need to accept that this marriage has been abusive and seek support from Women's Aid (they are not only there for women who have suffered physical violence) and a solicitor. Because you are married all assets (property, savings, pensions etc.) are joint assets. Find out what you can reasonably expect to leave the marriage with and make a plan for your life going forwards.

I would imagine this would look like downsizing to a smaller property and increasing your hours at work, aiming for a calm, relaxed home environment for yourself and possibly your son (how bad is the relationship now?). I would agree that he will probably eventually see what his father is really like but the chances of that happening diminish the longer this set up (where they both abuse you) goes on. Set up your own life free from abuse. Tell your son that you love him and he is always welcome on condition that he does not abuse you. Be the calm, reliable, rational, predictable, safe parent. If you split he may come around eventually or he may not but I wouldn't think there's any chance of that ever happening while you are still with his father and this "them against you" dynamic continues to play out.

P.S. Do not underestimate the value of your husband's pension. As the higher earner this is probably his biggest financial asset and the one he will be least likely to want to split with you - but that is because it is very valuable, not because you are not entitled to any of it. Get yourself a shit hot lawyer. Fight for your future, and the chance of your son having a good future too. As he is not yet an adult there is still a chance of him changing - but only if you show him how by refusing to accept his father's abuse any more.

This is such a sad situation but I think you have to walk away from your marriage and, sadly, your son. At the moment they are both abusing you, it is part of what unites them, if you remove yourself from this vicious triangle they have no one to abuse.
When their life together gets tougher, as it will because they will have to do all the things you did, then their cosy relationship will become less cosy and they may even turn on each other.
Let your son know that you love him and that your door is always open to a civilised relationship. As others have said don't be a doormat.
We had to go NC with our eldest DD because of her verbal abuse and her, unrealistic, expectation of a parent's role. We couldn't get through to her so we decided to stop banging our heads against a brick wall and walked away. It only took her a few months to decide that she would rather have us in her lives. We have never had an apology and we have never asked for one. We shut the door on the past and moved forward. Several years on all is still good.

Hopefully you son will see the light when he only has his father.
Good Luck 💐

Thanks @Bogeyes @Outfoxedbyrabbits @Flakjacketon @Starjammer @twoandeights @sophiaelean and everyone else.

I am going to end this marriage. I have been miserable for many years.

The main issue is the finances. The house needs quite a lot of improvements to make it appealing to a buyer.

He did say I could have the house, but talk is cheap.

So, the man I loved and trusted to protect me has turned out to be a very strange and manipulative person.

To the poster who mentioned Parental Alienation - thank you! I had not heard of this before, but this is what happened to me.

I would divorce him.

Your son surely won’t go with anyone for long - and then will visit you both as and when he can / chooses - because he’s an adult

Oh god yes. Divorce. You will be so much happier without all that. Hopefully your son will change his ways as he grows up more and leaves home himself. How utterly disrespectful. So much more to life out there. Time to start living! You will get there!!!

@Bingopants

Thanks *@Bogeyes* *@Outfoxedbyrabbits* *@Flakjacketon* *@Starjammer* *@twoandeights* *@sophiaelean* and everyone else.

I am going to end this marriage. I have been miserable for many years.

The main issue is the finances. The house needs quite a lot of improvements to make it appealing to a buyer.

He did say I could have the house, but talk is cheap.

So, the man I loved and trusted to protect me has turned out to be a very strange and manipulative person.

To the poster who mentioned Parental Alienation - thank you! I had not heard of this before, but this is what happened to me.

I think you are doing the right thing 🌸

The house needs quite a lot of improvements to make it appealing to a buyer.

He did say I could have the house, but talk is cheap.

So, the man I loved and trusted to protect me has turned out to be a very strange and manipulative person.

Look at these sentences together, OP. Why on earth would a "very strange and manipulative person" just let you have the house (if he actually ends up really offering this - I agree with you it is possible he will renege on it)? Because it's not worth as much as other assets, and he knows it!

Do not be one of the (very high) proportion of women who end up financially disadvantaged after a divorce because they don't understand how valuable pensions are. Given that you don't earn much and he has always been the main breadwinner it is inevitable that his pension pot will be worth far, far more than yours. Therefore do not agree not to take pensions into account when splitting assets.

You cannot afford not to have a solicitor here (some with agree to take payment from your final settlement so you don't have to pay upfront). Your husband (and you) will have to disclose ALL his assets as part of the divorce process. Do not let him walk away from marriage in possion of a large pension and a well paying job which will enable him to buy another property quickly, pay if off before retirement and end his days swimming in his entire pension.

Insist the house is sold (or offer it to him in exchange for you having a larger share of the pensions... See what he says to that!), use your share of the equity to put down a deposit on a smaller property and live secure in the knowledge that you will not be destitute in your old age because you have ended up with a fair share of the joint pension wealth. Don't take on a dilapidated house that will suck up all your income and end up not being able to afford to heat it because you didn't fight for the pensions.

Hang on. This is ENTIRELY out of the blue in the past week and totally out of long term character? He needs to see a doctor. Some pretty nasty stuff can cause this.

@BrendaBubbles

Hang on. This is ENTIRELY out of the blue in the past week and totally out of long term character? He needs to see a doctor. Some pretty nasty stuff can cause this.

sigh 🙄

He needs to see a doctor AND you need to get legal advice and make a plan to leave.

Both can be true at once

Exactly that. He sounds like a right piece of work and I’m not standing up for him but such a sudden and violent change in outward expression is a huge medical red flag even if he’s been a bad egg all along. It doesn’t mean you need to stick around to deal with it though.

Thanks all. He's being unbearably "nice". Guilt, I suppose, but also manipulative

Aw he knows he's in danger.
He knows he's gone a little bit too far with this one.
Time for the nice part of the nasty/nice cycle.

He'll be right back at it when he thinks danger is past though.

@SleepingBunnies21

I agree. Mr Nice Guy returns.

He's a very dangerous man, it's just that I am the only one who sees it.

Who cares if you’re the only one who sees it? That’s how he’s set it up. You’re also the only one who has to live with it. If you need evidence, plant some nanny cameras around the house. Obviously can’t be used in court, but can be used to show family, etc. (Much later.)

Thanks @Justilou1

To be honest, my parents see it and have had concerns for a while.

I want my life back.

I’m pleased that they saw it. This means you have some support. You deserve your life. You have a much better chance of people believe you.

This is fantastic advice from Outfoxedbyrabbits. Mumsnet at it's very best.

Wishing you strength op

@Tellmesomethinggirl totally agree

Thanks @Outfoxedbyrabbits