Kind husband turned into abuser

[Bingopants]

My teenage ds (only child) has always been over indulged by his dad. They spend most of their time together and rarely allow me to join them on excursions etc.

Up until last week, my husband had never even raised voice to me.

For years, I have begged him to stand up for on the many occasions that ds has been rude to me, but he never has.

Last week, he suddenly became abusive.

Made me leave family home and stay in hotel after I got into argument with him and son.

Accused me of throwing out my own son (18) when I said I needed some space after recent emotional abuse.

Accused me of putting pets before my child.

Stands by whilst my son speaks to me rudely.

Pretends he thinks I am about to attack him when I touched his arm and made sarcastic remark about women attacking men.

Angry explosions of temper. Unprovoked.

Says he is having breakdown and expresses suicidal intents. His distress was genuine, but I felt he was trying to guilt trip me.

Listens into my private telephone conversations.

Tells me my son will leave with him if we split up, implying he is the preferred parent.

Refuses to eat, sleep or spend any meaningful time with me.

Rarely shows affection.

My head is in pieces. I don't know where to turn.

Is divorce inevitable? I don't earn much from my part time job. He is the main breadwinner. My son always sides with him. Both our names are on the mortgage.

Any advice would be welcome.

Also suspect his theory is that if he plays Mr Nice Guy, you will sort house out and improve it’s value at YOUR stress and expense and then he will swoop in and demand his legal rights. Seek legal advice ALWAYS.

@BasicDad

Your husband sounds awful.

I know your husband is a worm, but how do you not have a close relationship with DS though? I can't imagine a child siding so heavily with one parent without some underlying problems, even with your husbands manipulation.

I can, it happened to a friend with her eldest. When her pos husband left the son kept up the abuse until she had a breakdown then cut ties with her and went with his dad.

I would listen to the advice here. Definitely get a solicitor to fight your corner. Your DS has been turned against you. All you can do is hope he comes around. He's very young. His D will show his true colours to him one day and his opinion of you will change. Praying for you.

Don’t worry about getting the house sorted. If it’s priced right, someone will want it. Get out now, don’t fall for his nice guy act because that’s all it is, ana act. Wishing you the best if luck

OP - I don’t think you have any options but to divorce. It is unlikely that this marriage can be mended as it seems there is only resentment left. I also think there is a lot more to the story and both you and your H had your role in what went on. There is rarely just one person to blame in a breakdown of any relationship. If you want to move on and pick yourself up - feeling like a victim won’t be much help to you.

I personally don’t think that it’s helpful to you you to think that he ‘turned abusive’. You had an argument. It escalated. You both most likely behaved less then perfect. You felt abused, he felt threatened. None of us were there, so it’s hard to say what went on.

You can’t change your past now. You said you felt miserable for years. It is possible that this had a major impact on your relationship both with your son and your H. I do think you need to focus on yourself and figure out what you need to stop feeling that way.
And maybe with time you can rebuild some sort of relationship with your son.

Good luck

@BasicDad

It's called Parental Alienation.

It happens when one parent deliberately alienates the other.

For example, ds and dh go on excursions and leave me out. Dh also showed ds a text I sent that said ds is a "stroppy teenager".

Also, dh gives in to ds all the time, whereas I don't let ds get away with calling me a "cow" etc.

When asked why ds was so angry with me, he said I "stole a biscuit" from him, that I had put him into the after school club too often,

I have always treated my son with unconditional love, fairness and care.

I was going to write more but honestly Leave the bastard. How fuckin rude.

I would get my things and leave. Can you stay with your parents? Or rent a one bed flat?
Right now you just need to get out and away from them both. Everything else comes after that.

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves & @faithfulbird20 - I think I might go and stay with my parents.

I can't stand being in the same house as a bully.

Two bullies, sadly.
Yes, you need to get out of there.

OP I'm so sorry you are in such a horrible situation. Haven't read all the responses but wanted to quickly say, get legal advice before you do anything. You may be advised to not leave the house at the moment, providing you are safe. I agree with pp - this is abuse. I hope you can get yourself into a better situation in the near future

Thanks @Thamesis

I never thought I would end up like this

I know. I can remember feeling shocked and bewildered that someone I loved and had been married to for so many years could turn out to be a deeply selfish and unpleasant person. Not violent but manipulative and undermining. Much like yours. I'm so sorry.

You will get through this. I also recommend Women's Aid - they helped see more clearly and how to safely end the relationship with myself and our children at the centre of that plan. Give your son time, extend love and compassion but show him there are standards of behaviour that must be met before you let abusive people into your life in future.

Thanks @Thamesis

I've been getting some advice from Refuge.