NC with DM - She has turned up at my home: have I done the right thing?

[Mogs43]

I went NC with my Mum last year. It has been hard but there have been many issues in the past (when I was growing up she was a heavy drinker which left me vulnerable - suffered sexual abuse from 'babysitter' age 4-9 etc) which made the relationship difficult. When I reached my teens my father had a stroke so since then I have looked after him when not in work. I moved across the country to do this so didn't see her very often but we remained polite as she was friendly with my father (who didnt know what had happened after they had divorced) .

Last year was horrific - in March my father caught Covid whilst in hospital waiting for a procedure. Initially I wasn't allowed to see him and the Trust were taking me to court for refusing to allow him to go into a care home to die (I wanted him to come home and he was still positive). Unfortunately my father died before the Court could consider the case. Whist this was happening my work got in touch and said that I needed to return to work (I was off sick - second time in over twenty years) and if I didn't they would no longer have a post for me. For the first time ever I begged my Mum for help (she became a christian and stopped drinking over twenty years ago) - all my savings went on the legal action so I was broke, distraught (felt suicidal) and very scared. I had no local support/ no one to bubble with as all my family and friends were across the country (I don't have siblings or a partner). Anyway she refused saying that 'a good parent wouldn't help' - that I need to stand on my own two feet (which I feel I have done all my life and especially since a teenager). Anyway that was it - we haven't spoken or seen each other since his funeral last summer ( I asked my fathers brother to inform her of his death). Although she knew I was CEV to the virus and my father was dying she didn't send texts or anything throughout the lockdown. My GP had died the year previously and left a substantial sum of money (over 7 figures to be split) - my Mum was executor to the will and despite knowing I was broke has kept/is 'minding' my share. I have been depressed and have just left it. I think at some point in the future she probably may send it to me but to be honest it feel like the least of my worries.

Anyway today the intercom rang and it was her ( her boyfriend is originally from where I live and I presume she must have come down for the weekend as they have done pre-lockdown). She said she wanted to say she was sorry and that she loved me. I said (politely) that her actions over many years had shown what she really felt and asked her to leave me alone. She left. I think that I have done the right thing - but am unsure? I haven't been able to stop crying since. Ridiculous really. I did phone the Samaritans to talk but no one answered. I hope you don't mind but would be grateful for your thoughts/have I done the right thing? I would so love to have some support at the moment, it has been the hardest time in my life, but I don't think she's the right person? I feel utterly broken at the moment. Thank you.

Oh gosh that's awful I think sending her away was for the best maintaining your boundaries are important

If she isn't fulfilling her obligations as far as the will is concerned I'm sure there is legal action you can take

I'm sorry you are going through this

I think you've done the right thing. You need to safeguard yourself and she has repeatedly let you down. It must have been a shock to have her just turn up like that and I think you were brave to be able to stand up for yourself.
I'm really sorry you're feeling so down but hopefully when the surprise wears off you will also be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself.

You've absolutely done the right thing. She couldn't support you as a child, or when your dad was dying, or when you were broke and on the bones of your arse, and now she wants to turn up and play the doting mother?

You're absolutely right. She's not the person for you to lean on.

@Mogs43 you absolutely did the right thing. Sending supportive hugs!

When you are feeling strong enough you need to speak to citizens advice re the will. She cannot withhold the money from you and if she is doing so then you can take legal action to resolve. You can self submit the forms etc I believe and apply for fee redemption with the courts which might help.

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this! I think you did the right thing to protect yourself!

I also think you did the right thing.

Your mother is NO Christian.

She is and absolutely selfish, mean, disgrace.

Cry your tears for yourself, she certainly isn't worth any and pick yourself up.

You will get through this too.

You were 100% right , she kicked you when you were at your lowest. No decent mother or Christian does that. She doesn't deserve to be in your life. Definite pursue her through the courts for your inheritance though.

There is a saying that often comes up on here “when a person tells you who they are, listen”. Your mum has shown you who she is many, many times throughout your life. Every human is complex and has a mix of good and bad in them. Today a decent part of your mother came through but overwhelmingly that is not her core nature and it is extremely unlikely she will ever change that.

I have a relative who sounds in many ways a lot like your mother, all of her adult children are NC with her for very good reasons. I am on good terms with my relative for very complicated reasons based on a shared experience but I don’t know her children personally. She often speaks of the situation between herself and her children. From those conversations it is obvious that her understanding of what has gone on between herself and her children is completely off. She doesn’t see her responsibility in the issues, she doesn’t see how she has affected them growing up, she was also an alcoholic, she doesn’t see that as a parent she has always had far more power and responsibility in the scenarios she describes than her children. I always try to gently challenge her thinking but invariably it falls back down through her damaged psyche rabbit holes. If I were to give them advice from a caring and compassionate place it would be, accept your mother is a very damaged and flawed woman, accept she is not the mother you deserved then or now and above all else protect yourself from her. That is the same advice I would say to you here based on what you have written.

I think you posted about the will before, didn't you? Have you seen a copy of it? Was the money left to you all or was it assumed your mum would split it with you?

I really do think you have done the right thing, even if it's just for now. She backed you into a corner by showing up at your home like that, not giving you time to mentally prepare or even think whether you wanted to speak to her or not. I would have done the same thing.

She could have written to you to apologise and asked if you'd be up for a meeting etc. Showing up at your door is manipulative and controlling.

Trust yourself, you have done the right thing. She did not protect you in childhood when you desperately needed her, don't allow her to push herself back into your life to manipulate you. Hold your own boundaries.

Thank you all for your responses. I am grateful.

Unfortunately I have messed up. My Mum rang the intercom several times over three hours last night-haven't heard from her previously for over a year. She said she was sorry and just wanted to talk. After about the sixth ring I let her in. I know I shouldn't have - I should have just switched it off. I don't know why I didn't. She came into my flat - to be honest it was nice to see her (she does have good qualities as well) and she didn't look very well which was a bit concerning (much older and quiet anxious) but I know that in the long term it was a mistake. So much has gone on in the past that below a superficial level there is a lot of anger/distrust etc between us. I am annoyed with myself - I am allowing the cycle to continue. She didn't expand on what had gone on /why she was sorry - just talked about my Dad and how much she missed him. She had brought some photographs of him and me when I was a child which were good to see.

It's all a mess. I know that she won't change. That she's not there for me but I do sometimes miss her and it is comforting to have someone to talk to about Dad. I know it is pathetic and that I will get let down/ hurt if I continue to speak to her but I suppose I feel very lonely and having a shared past no matter how toxic does create some sort of bond? Grrr. I am annoyed with myself for being so weak. I seem to find it hard when someone is nice to your face no matter what they have done in the past to remain firm/distant (I can't do the grey rock thing with her at all - I crumble and fail). Will have to think of a new plan for dealing with her - I don't know why I am so weak and unable to put boundaries in place. I feel pathetic. As she went to leave she tried to hug me but I pulled back and I did say during the conversation that I was upset with her, that she had hurt me and I didn't know how we could continue to have a relationship as it always ended up being harmful. But I am aware that by letting her into my flat I have sent mixed messages. A mess. Anyway thank you for your responses- I hope you don't feel that I have wasted your time.
Hollow-talk - I have a copy of my GPs will and my Uncle who is the other Executor has texted me about the sums involved. Money was specifically left to me. My Mum didn't mention it last night and I didn't raise it. I don't know why - I suppose I didn't want to come across as grabby and in the context of talking about Dad's death it didn't seem right? Oddly she did make a couple of comments which implied that money was a bit tight (in the past year she had been made redundant although now had a new job and was thinking about getting a new kitchen but didn't want to spend much) - however she has always been 'careful' with money so it may just be that. Who knows? I don't really need it urgently and my head isn't in a good space for any kind of battle at the moment ( still struggling with Dads death), so once I know how I am going to handle my Mum I thought I would look into it as people have suggested.
Thank you one again. Such a mess....

Well giving you the money would be a good start on the road to forgiveness, if she really is sincere about having you back in her life!

Don’t even consider anything else until you see what her response is to that, and even then you wouldn’t be unreasonable to stay nc.

She is worried you are getting closer to getting your money and she is spooked... She will play the martyr and say SHE needs it... It is your inheritance op.. Get it ASAP. Maybe you could seek therapy privately?
Your relative wanted YOU to benefit financially... And it is small reward for all you have been through.

Keep dm at arms length.. Hopefully a professional can help you deal with her moving forward long term.

OP, you are being incredible judgemental of your self, is this normal for you? Holding boundaries is an incredibly difficult thing to do, I think we have set up an unfortunate dialogue that makes it sound a bit like you just need to get angry and flounce around a bit and not let people in and then the job is done. It isn't like that at all, or not in my experience anyway. When it's necessary to do it with family, these are people we generally have a truck load of shared history with, good and bad, and we are hard-wired to want to keep them in our tribe, it's part of being human. Give yourself a break firstly. No one is judging you for whether or not you let her in. You are crucifying yourself for something that sounded like a bloody difficult moment at the best of times. So you let her in and you felt shit having her there, that all sounds pretty standard. That you can't trust her and you have ambivalent feelings towards her, that all sounds completely understandable too. Try and be a best friend to yourself today, give yourself a break and maybe when you have had a bit of headspace you can think about moving forwards. Do you have support in real life? This stuff is hard and I have needed someone to talk all this stuff through with.

She still has no right to withhold your inheritance. Are you sure she hasn't spent it?

OP,

Two things, stop being so hard on yourself.
You sound like such a lovely person and I can well imagine you wanting the comfort of shared memories.
Absolutely normal, though heartbreakingly sad.

Unfortunately your mother is NOT to be trusted.
I think she could be sniffing around for money.
She is not a good person.
She is not to be trusted.

Your grandparent wanted you to have this money.

Get the money asap and do not part with a penny.

Please protect yourself from her.

Keep posting.
We are all here for you.

Oddly she did make a couple of comments which implied that money was a bit tight

This is exactly why she's turned up, to get you on side. She will probably make the "kind" gesture of releasing it now so she can start borrowing from you.

Have you ever had any counselling for your past and toxic relationship with her?

This sounds a bit dodgy to me OP. Who has your money, where is it being kept? Please don't underestimate how helpful this money could be to you in the future.

You need to get your inheritance before there’s nothing left, your future self with thank you for not putting this off

She still has no right to withhold your inheritance. Are you sure she hasn't spent it?

This is also a distinct possibility.

Remember OP that she hasn't come to see you for your benefit, she's come to see you for hers.

You can bet your life she has an agenda of some sort as she's definately not self aware enough to be genuinely sorry.

You don't have to go NC although it's understandable why you would want to, but you could go LC see her occasionally but not rely on her for support or offer her any support. Maybe you do want to see her sometimes and talk about your dad and that's OK.

I am so sorry for how everything has panned out for you.

However you are legally entitled to the money so assuming probate has been granted you shouldn’t have to ask for it.
So I would absolutely tell her you want YOUR money.

As others have said unless its ring fenced there is nothing to stop her spending it. And you’ve spent your savings surely the money would be very useful.

Well done for you.

You can check the probate register to find out if you were left anything in the will. If you were, take legal action as you are entitled to it.