NC with DM - She has turned up at my home: have I done the right thing?

[Mogs43]

I went NC with my Mum last year. It has been hard but there have been many issues in the past (when I was growing up she was a heavy drinker which left me vulnerable - suffered sexual abuse from 'babysitter' age 4-9 etc) which made the relationship difficult. When I reached my teens my father had a stroke so since then I have looked after him when not in work. I moved across the country to do this so didn't see her very often but we remained polite as she was friendly with my father (who didnt know what had happened after they had divorced) .

Last year was horrific - in March my father caught Covid whilst in hospital waiting for a procedure. Initially I wasn't allowed to see him and the Trust were taking me to court for refusing to allow him to go into a care home to die (I wanted him to come home and he was still positive). Unfortunately my father died before the Court could consider the case. Whist this was happening my work got in touch and said that I needed to return to work (I was off sick - second time in over twenty years) and if I didn't they would no longer have a post for me. For the first time ever I begged my Mum for help (she became a christian and stopped drinking over twenty years ago) - all my savings went on the legal action so I was broke, distraught (felt suicidal) and very scared. I had no local support/ no one to bubble with as all my family and friends were across the country (I don't have siblings or a partner). Anyway she refused saying that 'a good parent wouldn't help' - that I need to stand on my own two feet (which I feel I have done all my life and especially since a teenager). Anyway that was it - we haven't spoken or seen each other since his funeral last summer ( I asked my fathers brother to inform her of his death). Although she knew I was CEV to the virus and my father was dying she didn't send texts or anything throughout the lockdown. My GP had died the year previously and left a substantial sum of money (over 7 figures to be split) - my Mum was executor to the will and despite knowing I was broke has kept/is 'minding' my share. I have been depressed and have just left it. I think at some point in the future she probably may send it to me but to be honest it feel like the least of my worries.

Anyway today the intercom rang and it was her ( her boyfriend is originally from where I live and I presume she must have come down for the weekend as they have done pre-lockdown). She said she wanted to say she was sorry and that she loved me. I said (politely) that her actions over many years had shown what she really felt and asked her to leave me alone. She left. I think that I have done the right thing - but am unsure? I haven't been able to stop crying since. Ridiculous really. I did phone the Samaritans to talk but no one answered. I hope you don't mind but would be grateful for your thoughts/have I done the right thing? I would so love to have some support at the moment, it has been the hardest time in my life, but I don't think she's the right person? I feel utterly broken at the moment. Thank you.

Oh mogs, I'm so sorry this sounds awful. Sadly I think she might be looking for the money. If I'd seen your original post I'd have said don't restart contact, it takes a lot to go NC, you didn't do it lightly the first time. However you've now made contact and you need to get steps taken to get that money or you'll never see it again and it was to be given to you, not her.

OP, I read your post and my heart broke for you. I am so very sorry about everything that you’ve been through. It’s more than any one person should have to bear and you’ve dealt with it fantastically well. Please don’t think that you haven’t.

I have a very similar mother: alcoholic and indescribably selfish during my childhood, recently turned to religion and wants to make up because she ‘loves me’. What I went through was nothing compared to what you have (no abuse, stayed with my father when they split, had pretty pleasant childhood from then on), but I can empathise with the feeling of loss when there’s a space in your life where a mother’s love should be - and all you have to fill it is a self centred former addict who won’t take responsibility for their past actions.

You have done the right thing. Letting her in was a natural reaction (you’re human and kind, you want your mum, you don’t want to cause more grief). Don’t beat yourself up about it. Going forwards, please remember to be kind to yourself, remember who and what she’s shown herself to be, and protect yourself from that.

I wish you the best and hope the coming months bring you so much joy.

Mogs you have done nothing wrong. There is no manual for this stuff you can only do the best you can and judge each situation on its merits. Please don’t berate yourself for wanting normal human interactions with your mother, you deserved that all your life and you didn’t get it. What you need right now is to be a best friend to yourself. You can’t change this, you didn’t deserve this, you are doing your best.

You can only do what you can do. You let her in and that's okay. But I would aggressively pursue the money. I bet your DGP left the money specifically for you because he knew she would spend it.

She's turned up now to "keep you sweet" so you don't take steps to get YOUR money.
Don't fall for it!

The solicitor in charge of the will should be making the cheque out to you so there is no way she should be getting her hands on it. Can you call your uncle and chat to him about what's happening?
Don't be so hard on yourself. You have just cared so kindly for your dad . It's no sin letting your dm into the house as it's totally understandable with her at your door. It's OK. Getting photos of you and your dad was helpful for your grieving.
Be kind to yourself.

She made a nuisance of herself until you gave in, totally understandable that you did. It's a common tactic that usually works and it's really hard to stand your ground but just keep in mind what a PP said...

she hasn't come to see you for your benefit, she's come to see you for hers

Also remember that if you do want to talk to her that's fine too, totally your choice, there are no rules here, just do it with your eyes open.

@junebirthdaygirl

The solicitor in charge of the will should be making the cheque out to you so there is no way she should be getting her hands on it. Can you call your uncle and chat to him about what's happening? Don't be so hard on yourself. You have just cared so kindly for your dad . It's no sin letting your dm into the house as it's totally understandable with her at your door. It's OK. Getting photos of you and your dad was helpful for your grieving. Be kind to yourself.

Not always the case. I've been executor for wills before and no solicitors were involved so I wrote cheques/transferred money myself. It would be easy to keep stuff if you were dishnonest.

OP - I think you need to focus on trying to get this money. Sounds like your uncle may be on side? You are perfectly entitled to remain NC with your mother - I certainly would be NC with her after this. I was NC with my mother for 6 years until she died so I know how tough it is. Just because you've had a slip up doesn't mean you have to carry on seeing her.

I agree with the other posters that this is about the money. It sounds like she is trying to divert your attention from the money. Please take steps to get your inheritance. Now.

She is not entitled to have any say on how the will is distributed. She is the executor not the beneficiary and the money is not legally hers. She is not entitled to hold any opinion on what you do with money that was legally left to you. She was executor of your fathers estate, not yours. If you have the strength to speak to her again tell her she must comply with the terms of the will or she could find herself in legal trouble. If she’s already spent it, she’s in big trouble.

Please, please chase your money.

Thank you for all your kind and really helpful responses.

So as anticipated my Mum called this evening (five phone calls and two texts - I only picked up one call). It is clear that she thinks now we have seen each other and she said sorry, everything is fine - she was laughing, joking and acting like everything was great. She was obviously very happy, and I do feel a bit guilty for bringing her mood down , but I felt I had to be clear that this level and type of contact didn't work for me: that whilst I was grateful to her for acknowledging mistakes , saying sorry simply wasn't enough. It was just words. She said that when I was a child she hadn't able to see me as a separate person and hadn't taken pride in being a parent/or really seen herself as one and consequently had , in her words, dragged me though all her drama. She didn't know what had happened last year, she was sorry for how she had responded last year and it was possible that she had just freaked out. I said I didn't know how we could or if we would be able to repair our relationship: that harm had been done and I couldn't go from nc to having multiple conversations with her in a day - join in her laughing and joking about silly things. She didn't say a lot and I said I had to do something so ended the call. She has phoned back but I haven't picked up - and so am now feeling guilty. I know its a ridiculous cycle which I have to stop. Am going to keep re-reading your helpful advice above for reminders about how best to respond.Thank you.

It is so hard. Whilst I do care for her, often enjoy her company and reflecting on shared experiences I find it hard to forget everything that has happened. Some of the experiences have been life changing and I am scared about getting hurt again. I know I need to work on setting clearer and consistent boundaries (I am speaking to a therapist about my Dad's death - next appointment is on Thursday so will raise this and see what they suggest). It is hard and I do feel so alone - I would like our relationship to be different but unfortunately it isn't.

I did ask her briefly about my GPs will (I really don't want to seem grabby). There is no solicitor involved in the will - my mother and uncle are the executors. My mum said she thinks I have been left about £40k less than I thought my Uncle said (its in a bank account) - I'm going to text him shortly and see what he says including about getting access. At the moment it doesn't feel a priority , its not that I'm not grateful, obviously the opposite but I am still reeling from the death of my Dad and to be honest money just hasn't seemed important. I know I need to get on top of things but have just been a bit of a mess. Thank you once again for all your kindness and help.

As the Executrix of the will she is legally bound to carry out the wishes of the deceased as stated in their will. If it's gone to probate you can get a copy of the will. The bank may ask for a copy of the probate before releasing any funds depending on what their threshold is. When I was doing this at our financial institution we required probate for any estate that was valued above £10k

Sorry you're going through this, OP.

Personally, I would get onto a solicitor about the will. A letter doesn't cost that much and I think it would be worth it to have someone else dealing with this for you.

As for feeling guilty etc. That's OK.

OP,

I can perfectly understand your head is all over the place and money isn't a priority.

But just try and imagine how you will feel if she spends it and you then have the grief of trying to get it back?

If you do not employ a solicitor to represent you, if you find from your uncle there is messing going on, you risk further drama.

Are you long term happy to say goodbye to this money?

Because inaction now could cost you, difficult though it is.

You need a copy of the will.
You need a figure from your uncle.
You need to know when its coming.

Keep posting.

You have obviously done the right thing but you need to sort out the money. She will not give it to you voluntarily.

I find it concerning that the figure that your mother says is due to you from the while is less than you had thought. Can you contact your uncle directly and let him know you would prefer them to send the bequest directly to you rather than via your mother, you could perhaps ask if a direct bank transfer could occur.
It does sound like the sums involved would be a terrible temptation to perhaps not do the right thing, and that the lower amount your mother mentioned might be the amount she had decided was appropriate for you to have, rather than the amount your grandparents had decided.

Please prioritise your inheritance, that money could really support you in the future. If I were you that would be my main focus. Your relationship with your mum is something you can think about once she does what is fair and gives you your inheritance. Speak to your uncle and a solicitor ASAP. I know it all feels like a lot right now, but future you will be grateful that present you did this for her.

Only pick up calls from your mum that you want to take, maybe once a week or every few weeks is an ok amount to keep in touch but at a distance.

Oh my goodness, I am so, so sorry.

I am nc with my mother for not too dissimilar reasons. It is hard and such a shock when you first go nc. It does get easier, I promise. Soon you will realise how much more freely you breathe when you are living in a world where you no longer have an expectation that your mother will be loving towards you.

I'm so sorry about your Dad

You can get a copy of the will and grant of probate online for £1.50.

It’s a .gov website and will be available electronically a couple of days after placing the order.

Please sort out the money-ask your uncle to send it to you ASAP. At least then your mum can’t use it as a reason to contact you.

Thank you for all your help. My Mum phoned up several times again tonight - I only picked up once and she was cross, aggressive and critical like she used to be. I am not really sure what caused the change - maybe tired/ because of issues around the £, I wasn't picking up the phone? Who knows? She feels I have been rude cutting the calls short - which I suppose I have. Anyway I have blocked the calls again (have a headache and don't want to keep on like this) so we are back to square one. It is my own fault. After a year of nc I am back in the same position. How foolish was I? I think I just get lonely and a bit desperate for what appear to be kind /understanding words although it always changes pretty quickly.....
Will speak to the therapist on Thursday and hopefully she can give me some further tips - and will keep re-reading your advice. Thank you.

I do have a copy of the will and after Thursday will get advice from a solicitor. Mum said she was also going to consult one- which is of course fine. It is all exhausting and un-necessary. It is sad that it is like this - I doubt things will ever change and we will both loose out. Such a shame. Thank you all again for your advice and support. It means a lot.

I feel so sorry for you that she is clearly not a kind person and unfortunately people like that don't change.

By remaining in contact with her, it is like a sore that keeps getting opened.

The grief doesn't fully go away but it can lesson with time.

Speaking to a good therapist is very wise.

Keep posting too, we are here for you.

I'd be tempted to do what needs to be done to make sure your relative's wishes are carried out and you receive the money. Your mother clearly thinks she should have received it and is manipulating you.

Oh OP, as someone who is NC with their parent for not totally dissimilar reasons, I really feel your pain.

Are you familiar with the Stately Homes thread? It's full of adult children of toxic parents, who are all supportive of any relationship - or lack of - and just provide understanding and moral support, and who know exactly what they're talking about. I think you would find it really comforting. It's usually on the first or second page on Relationships - it is updated far too frequently, sadly! Lots of people flitting in and out of various levels of contact; lots of stress over impromptu phonecalls and visits and mysterious presents - you know the drill. I think you'll feel a bit calmer to read that this is all just a pattern that plays out in many parent-child relationships, sadly.

I am so sorry for all you've been through, both as a child/teen, and now.

Take care of yourself (and when you feel up to it, get that money - it's not grabby to take what's yours and all I'll say is I'm sure it has suited your mother that you feel that way....)