To be angry with DH years later.

[Shineofduty]

I've just emerged from the trenches of parenting young children as my youngest child has now gone off to school. We've had one child have lots of illnesses which has required endless tests etc and the other one has had allergies and been an extremely challenging baby.

I've breastfed them, juggled work and kept the family home going throughout whilst trying to keep my marriage afloat when DH has been awkward.

Now I'm out of it all and I have a bit of time before I begin working Full Time again in January, I'm reflecting on these last 5 years.

The times that DH left me high and dry at night when I was sleep deprived, exhausted and needed his help, when he went out drinking when the kids were babies and he came home wasted and useless ay night and the following day. When I was 7 months pregnant and poorly with an infection, a stomach bug and a resulting pulled muscle in my stomach from vomiting and he still went to the pub when I pleaded with him to stay with me.

The time he went cycling on my birthday leaving me at home for 10 hours with a 2 year old and a newborn because "it's not like we can celebrate much anyway."

The criticisms from his family in the early days and his failure to stick up for me. Lots more. We've had a lot of talks around everything over the last few years and I thought I'd got past most of it, but it's reared it's head because it's all clear now.

Things aren't great at the moment as I'm angry with him for not following through on a couple of agreements we'd made, but mostly I'm sad for the past.

Those baby years didn't last long and I was so sad, so alone, so tired. But it could have been kinder, nicer and easier if he had been on my team. More than being sad that they're over- I'm sad with him, that he didn't step up and wasn't the man I thought he was.

I'm working through all the feelings in counselling and actually considering ending my marriage. I don't know why I'm posting really, other than, I want to express how I'm feeling somewhere safe.

Have you told him what you have put here?

Yes we've talked about all of it over the last couple of years. He hates to admit that he's been wrong but confesses that he should have done some things differently. Not all though- he'll still make excuses.

I think what bothers me deep down, if we were to go through it all over again- him knowing how I feel, I don't think the choices he made would be any different.

I’m struggling through my resentment and trying not to ask for a divorce, over what seems to be years of trivial things.
I’m not sure that there’s any coming back from it.

That is really sad to read, OP. He is inadequate.

I'd have ended it a long time ago - your birthday alone would have done it for me. All of things you have said sound reasonable and his behaviour is incredibly selfish. I would not want to live with someone like that.

Well, I'm not surprised you're considering ending your marriage. You sound so sad and clear about it all.

There's a better future out there for you.

Oh gosh sorry.

That list sounds incredibly sad and I personally would be strongly inclined to leave my DH if that was my experience.

Especially as he hasn't really sincerely apologised.

I understand how you feel and your need to come to terms with the past. You were entitled to his support and he let you down. It is good you're getting some help to look at that.

To me however, an even bigger issue is whether he is capable of being the husband and father you would all want him to be going forward. Does he acknowledge the things he's done wrong in the past? Is he willing to change? Does he want to change? Is he truly on board with this marriage?

I wish you luck in resolving these questions. 💐

OP i think your last paragraph is the most telling. And really says all you need to about the manner of man you married. If it were me, it may not be today or the next month or the month after that but i would be planning to go my own way.

It's that sort of sad/angry realisation and the numbness that comes with it when you realise your OH only had your back for as long as theirs is covered which did for me.
Your resentment is valid and entirely justified.

He sounds absolutely awful op and that you have had a really shit time

Basically it's all about his actions now isn't it? If you are going back to work FT, the cracks will soon start to show if he doesn't step up. If you have discussed it and he admits that he behaved poorly, but doesn't change his behaviour from now on, then I think you have your answer.

It is really good that you are getting support for this. Good luck to you.

Dh was ill and couldn't be the father or sometimes the partner I wanted when ds was little. It does leave a massive shadow. In the end, staying married was a decision I made every day. I think in our case it might have worked out but it might not.

I think your last paragraph is very telling. But give yourself time. Your children are still very young. This may sound like a cop out but imo there genuinely are some men who are shit beyond belief at the baby stage but suddenly seem to grow into it when they're older. It seems less likely in your case because so much of the support you needed was for you. Let the sadness out and see what happens.

He sounds like a poor husband and a selfish, self-centred man, and you have good reason to feel the way you do. Does he know you are considering ending the marriage?

He sounds like a selfish git. I couldn't live with someone like that

You've been drowning in a sea of justified resentment for years. Many of us would have more consideration for a stranger than your shit husband ever had for you. Resentment is a marriage killer, and rightly so. I think you've given enough years of your life to this selfish, unappreciative, horrible man.

How is his parenting now? I know some people find babies boring, but he should have stepped up to actually parent, not carry on like a single man. Tosser.

You have "served your time" and "stayed together for the sake of the children". That means you have suffered and endured and he has benefited from having a wife/nanny/cook/housekeeper.
You are still young enough to be happy with life. Go ahead with the divorce and make your happy memories.

I feel so much like this. Now my (much older) husband is elderly and vulnerable and depressed, he wants so much from me in the way of care, support and sympathy.

When I was depressed by not being allowed to leave the house or learn to drive, I tried to explain to him that I was suicidal and that his behaviour was at the root of it. He told me that perhaps I should kill myself then. When I was alone and isolated with a baby with colic, he refused to stop his hobby in the evenings, because he "should be allowed to do things he enjoyed". There is more, and if I had had the mental, physical and emotional resources back then, I would have left. Now, I'm just over it, and him.

If I didn't have to deal with so many financial and personal struggles as well, I would probably divorce him now. I get by on a daily basis by thinking of him as an old man who lives with us. He wants me to say that I love him, and I can't. (He tells me that he loves me and I say "Of course you do, I'm bloody fabulous!"). I'm not sure if he notices that I'm avoiding a proper reply, but I doubt it.

I'm about 20 years down the road from you, and I'm afraid it never gets better because you can forgive him but you never forget how he made you feel. There is no stronger feeling in a marriage than the knowledge that your spouse will never let you down, and no sadder realisation that he will, every time, if it suits him.

Apologies for rambling, but I had a bad attack of "NOOOOO! Don't be like meee!"

I had a very similar experience and I left my ex earlier this year. I just couldn't get over the resentment

I'd be wondering if he will let me down in future chapters of my life, as he doesn't sound supportive or willing to step up to his responsibilities.

I feel you op. I still feel angry over the way he opted out of newborn/baby while I didn't have a choice. He's great now she's older.

I think this is why some men don't want their partners to go back to work full time (apart from the obvious one that their own poor contribution to family life will stand out) - you are independent now and are mixing with other adults - you can compare your life to theirs.

I would bide my time and leave him when it suits you. He's not part of your team. He doesn't have your back. He's absolutely useless as a husband and as a father. You deserve so much better.

It’s hard to move past that type of resentment, particularly if he has not changed. What is his behaviour like now? Is there acknowledgement from him that he was in the wrong, and is he trying to do anything differently? If so, then perhaps there is a chance, but if not I can’t see how you will ever get over feeling the way you do now.

I’ve been in your position OP and it doesn’t get better just because the children are now at school. My late father had a serious stroke and my ex DH did nothing to support me or step up and be a better father/husband. His selfish behaviour actually made the situation worse and two weeks after my dad’s stroke I ended my marriage because I realised how completely alone I was. Don’t wait until you really need his support again to end the relationship.

I think the difficult times is when people show their true colours. I would have split up with him a long time ago, if you’re acting like a single parent you might as well be.

But there was a reason you stayed so I would figure out why this was.
Were you worried about the financial aspect? Did you want another baby? Worried about what your/his family would think?
This might help you decide whether you want to end your marriage or not.

Exhaustion is the reason I've stayed and for financial reasons as I've worked PT whilst they were little and wouldn't have done any differently in that regard.

Also, just a bit of perspective, but I had a rough childhood- there was alcoholism and domestic abuse at home. So in comparison, my life with DH, although has been sad at times, has mostly been much happier than when I was a kid.

Sometimes it's hard to imagine happy, when you've never really had it.