To be angry with DH years later.

[Shineofduty]

I've just emerged from the trenches of parenting young children as my youngest child has now gone off to school. We've had one child have lots of illnesses which has required endless tests etc and the other one has had allergies and been an extremely challenging baby.

I've breastfed them, juggled work and kept the family home going throughout whilst trying to keep my marriage afloat when DH has been awkward.

Now I'm out of it all and I have a bit of time before I begin working Full Time again in January, I'm reflecting on these last 5 years.

The times that DH left me high and dry at night when I was sleep deprived, exhausted and needed his help, when he went out drinking when the kids were babies and he came home wasted and useless ay night and the following day. When I was 7 months pregnant and poorly with an infection, a stomach bug and a resulting pulled muscle in my stomach from vomiting and he still went to the pub when I pleaded with him to stay with me.

The time he went cycling on my birthday leaving me at home for 10 hours with a 2 year old and a newborn because "it's not like we can celebrate much anyway."

The criticisms from his family in the early days and his failure to stick up for me. Lots more. We've had a lot of talks around everything over the last few years and I thought I'd got past most of it, but it's reared it's head because it's all clear now.

Things aren't great at the moment as I'm angry with him for not following through on a couple of agreements we'd made, but mostly I'm sad for the past.

Those baby years didn't last long and I was so sad, so alone, so tired. But it could have been kinder, nicer and easier if he had been on my team. More than being sad that they're over- I'm sad with him, that he didn't step up and wasn't the man I thought he was.

I'm working through all the feelings in counselling and actually considering ending my marriage. I don't know why I'm posting really, other than, I want to express how I'm feeling somewhere safe.

Sorry to hear so many of us are in the same position.

I'm trying to disengage now too @Trisha5657 but it is really hard. I told my counsellor last week that I was struggling with the pretending. I therefore emailed him how I'm feeling and that because he has not followed through on our agreements, we have no future. I then cancelled our meal reservation for my birthday and said that spending time together as a couple isn't an option for me whilst he refuses to work on things.

He said "thanks for the email" then cancelled the reservation and is behaving normally with me since. He is sitting next to me on the sofa as I write, asking me if I have a busy day at work planned for tomorrow. He has told me about his day at work as if all is normal.

I've just asked him to go away because I can't tolerate the pretence. He's so hard faced.

I feel chastised.

This was my ex. There were times during the early years with two bad sleepers, born 18 months apart, where I was on my knees with exhaustion after doing all the night wakings, working nearly full time, and primarily managing the household. But when I would beg him for more support, he would tell me angrily that he was 'already doing his best' and blame me for having 'unreasonable expectations', 'making it hard on myself' and not understanding that tiredness and stress 'is just a mother's lot'. He made me believe that it was my own lack of resilience that was to blame, not his failure to contribute fairly.

And because he did contribute somewhat in practical ways, I doubted myself. I was exhausted from sleep deprivation and by trying to be a good mother practically and emotionally for the kids, run my own life and be a supportive partner, as well as beset by self-doubt from his regular harsh criticisms of me, that I actually couldn't think clearly. I accepted a lot of what he told me, because trying to argue my corner was a futile exercise that only resulted in him escalating his criticisms of me. It seemed easier to emotionally retreat, give up expecting support and use my limited energy to figure out work-arounds and short-cuts that could get me through.

I, too, developed an autoimmune disease, which is what finally woke me up to myself. I started listening to the nagging voice that said that despite my ex constantly blaming me for everything, actually the real problem wasn't me at all, and he was the real problem. He wasn't being a proactive, engaged parent, he wasn't taking responsibility for his own feelings, he wasn't being a good partner and in fact, he was emotionally abusive. I started reading about emotional abuse and gaslighting, journalling our conflicts and reflecting on them afterwards, acknowledging that my resentment was based in real unfairness and not me being unreasonable. Over time I realised that the situation was much worse than I was actually acknowledging to myself – he had lied to me and misled me repeatedly about some very important things.

Like your husband, I don't think he truly wanted a family, he liked the idea and wanted the social credibility of being a father, but parenting isn't actually personally meaningful to him and he doesn't really enjoy it.

He said "thanks for the email" then cancelled the reservation and is behaving normally with me since. He is sitting next to me on the sofa as I write, asking me if I have a busy day at work planned for tomorrow. He has told me about his day at work as if all is normal.

If it helps you take this less personally (feeling 'chastised'), this is absolutely classic head-in-the-sand behaviour from someone who has NO idea how to process difficult emotions, deal with conflict outside of a win/lose mentality and little/no ability to be vulnerable or accept vulnerability in others. It's honestly not about you. It's about him.

Can I take a guess that either he had a very difficult, fairly abusive childhood, or extremely emotionally distant parents (maybe sent off to boarding school at a young age)?

How is your life now @CheekyHobson? Does your ex still see ypur kids?

"He made me believe that it was my own lack of resilience that was to blame, not his failure to contribute fairly."

I really relate to this. Also, he has blamed my mother for not doing more and choosing to move to another county. He has said that other women have better mothers who do more so don't rely on their husbands as much as I have 🙄, then he lists a whole host of apparent friends of his who have "nicer" wives who expect less than I do. 😥

I was exactly where you were, essentially a single parent doing it all. I left and am infinitely happier without him. I hope you find your way to happiness, whatever that is for you.

Emotionally distant parents. But they won't hear a bad word said about him. I also think he may be on the spectrum and struggles with emotion.

I've had several counsellors tell me over the years that the wrong person is in counselling and it should be him sat infront of them.

According to DH, he had an idyllic childhood. His sister has been in therapy for years.

He does still see them, EOW and a midweek night and he is a much better parent than he used to be. After I started to become clear about what was really going on in our relationship, stopped blaming myself, allowed myself to consider that the problem really was him, and started trying to understand what was going on within him, I was able to understand that actually, he had really poor parenting and bad life experiences that led to his lack of empathy, etc. 'Bad' people aren't born, they're made.

Understanding this validated my own experiences of confusion, frustration, resentment – I wasn't crazy, I was literally dealing with someone who wasn't thinking right. This helped me to calm down, get super-clear about the issues, stand up to him, start setting boundaries and resist his blame-shifting and lack of responsibility. I also, like a previous poster, realised that I'd contributed through enabling his behaviour because I simply didn't understand it for what it was.

He ended up getting therapy and actually improved a lot. (This may or may not be the case for your husband, but it's important to know what's possible.) I was able to forgive him and ultimately create a better relationship with him, but I also had to acknowledge the fact that the experiences I'd been through in our relationship over the course of years had killed my desire to be in an intimate partnership with him and even though he'd 'gotten better', that simply never came back for me.

We separated, reasonably amicably. I'm not going to pretend it was a picnic, but it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I had thought it would be. Part of getting to the point of separation was me focusing on regaining my earning capacity, which had taken a big hit because I was doing all the child and household management. Not having the confidence that I could financially survive by myself was a large part of what stopped me from leaving in the first place.

Sounds to be like one or both of his parents may be narcissists, with him being the golden child and his sister the scapegoat.

Disclaimer: I'm in no way a qualified psychologist but I've learned a lot about psychology over the years and it's amazing how predictable people turn out to be. Do some reading, especially about other people's experiences with narcissists and you may be surprised at how often you have 'OMG, that thing has literally happened in our relationship, it's like there's a camera in our house' moments.

Hi OP. Another person here who can relate. I ended up with severe PND and PTSD after my first and I am convinced my ex’s lack of well, everything made my mental health so much worse than it had to be back then.

Years of resentment went by until 3.5 years ago when I told him I was done. He told my mother that I must be “having a moment.” Turned out to be one long ass moment eh?

He has learned nothing from our separation, has no self awareness of anything, has taken no responsibility for the demise of our marriage and still blames me for everything. Your DH sounds similar. It’s like banging your head off a brick wall. He loved to tell me I was “half mad.” I was half mad for staying with him for as long as I did. It’s taken years for the scales to have fallen from my eyes but fallen they have and I’m so glad I got out.

I’m not saying it has to be like that for you, only you can decide that but when I think about it, I really never forgave him for how he treated me when our kids were babies and how unsupported I was. When I needed him most, he was nowhere to be found. Everything else from then on were just more nails in the coffin for us.

I wish you well op. It is not easy xx

Your husband may be good practically; with tidying etc. As you have an autoimmune disease you possibly think you wouldn’t cope on your own. I think you might find that without the constant stress and resentment you are feeling that your autoimmune disease improves giving you the energy to cope with the jobs he does at the moment. Sadness is very draining. You might find yourself energised and empowered

I could have written your posts OP. I’m so sad for both of us. The unchecked criticism, both from DH and his parents. The cycling (in DH’s case racing cycling, resulting in DH having an accident when DS was 6 weeks old), meaning DH was unable to help at all for 2 months. The lack of gifts or being in his thoughts at all. The feeling of not being a union in any way. The sheer, unrelenting loneliness at every turn. I asked to separate a few weeks ago and though through sadness and nostalgia/sentimentality I also feel liberated. It’s still drudgery, but it’s honest and better than resentment.

@CheekyHobson - I relate so much to what you’ve said. Ex is also from a very difficult childhood. He is emotionally closed off and lives his life on the outskirts of everyone else so he doesn’t have to be vulnerable.

It is impossible to have a successful marriage with someone like that, particularly when they don’t know or want to know that maybe they may have issues that need to be dealt with. It’s never them, it’s always you.

That dynamic in a marriage is just soul destroying and exhausting. You wait for them to throw you a few crumbs to keep you going but really you’re just flogging a dead horse. I was a shell of who I once was by the time I told him our marriage was over. It’s taken me years of therapy and healing to get back on my feet. I’m glad to see you’re doing well and that we can come out the other side from these types of relationships and find happiness and peace within.

I held a lot of resentment for my exH.

He was much the same.

I feel loads better now without him in my life.

But I was putting a piece together for our children's centre about how partners can help new mums, and I broke down in tears because I was reading information about things husband's can do and my exH did none of that for me when I was pregnant or had just had a C section, or had developed sepsis and been separated from my baby who had meningitis and a water infection. He didn't support me through breastfeeding, or broken nights of sleep. He's never bathed DS.

Any help I did get, he put 1000% effort in, just so the next time I asked for help he'd tell me he's already gone above and beyond for me so why should he?

He told me it's what I got myself in for.

When I suffered from PPD and PPA he never consoled me, just straight told me to go to a doctor.

4 month later when my antidepressants weren't working any more and we're giving me suicidal thoughts he didn't help me. He just told me he's not the right person to talk to about it. Never even gave me a hug.

So yeah, I held resentment. But I'm free now. And I can't recommend separation enough. It's the best money ever spent.

@bluejelly

He sounds like a selfish git. I couldn't live with someone like that

I second this, you've done enough, he pulls his socks up or you're gone, doesn't sound like he's fit to lick your boots! One life, you deserve better, go find it

As you have an autoimmune disease you possibly think you wouldn’t cope on your own. I think you might find that without the constant stress and resentment you are feeling that your autoimmune disease improves giving you the energy to cope with the jobs he does at the moment.

Yes, this is entirely possible, my autoimmune disease is now in full remission and I physically feel better than I have in years. It was absolutely a revelation for me to realise how important the mind-body connection is and that the body truly does hold trauma.

Any work that you do to care for yourself physically – exercise, massage, relaxing baths, dancing, yoga, finding the right medication, eating well, quitting alcohol, whatever makes you feel good – will help with your mental and emotional healing (and any mental and emotional healing you do will also help you physically. They all work together).

One thing you will come to realise is how severely you have neglected yourself for years and the importance of investing time in yourself – nourishing your body, doing things that feel physically good and make you happy, and prioritising your own wellbeing in general.

@FMSucks I'm so sorry to hear you've had a similar experience. When you are a caring and giving person, especially when you have been taught to be overly responsible, it's very easy to sacrifice yourself to someone else.

One thing that's really important to me now is teaching my children the importance of being mindful when getting into relationships and choosing a life partner for themselves, what to look for and why, what is a red flag and why, how to know whether someone is good for them or not, how to trust their own feelings, how to recognise when they are compensating for their own insecurities etc.

Also, he has blamed my mother for not doing more and choosing to move to another county. He has said that other women have better mothers who do more so don't rely on their husbands as much as I have 🙄, then he lists a whole host of apparent friends of his who have "nicer" wives who expect less than I do.

I think there's something here. My guess is that his mother catered to him excessively in material ways and in praise, but wasn't genuinely nurturing in the sense that she didn't teach him how to be responsible for himself and manage his own emotions. She taught him that a woman's role is to run around after a man unquestioningly and never say anything that made him uncomfortable about his own behaviour or failures.

Possibly too, your mother is not all that emotionally nurturing? Did you ever feel that you had to tiptoe around your mum's feelings because she often seemed to be upset by you 'being yourself'? Or that she was very busy with her life and you kind of just had to get on with things and make your own way? Or maybe she wasn't very understanding of you but you reasoned that she's a different generation, or was just a very different person to you? Or does this describe your dad more? When adults are prepared to accept crumbs of love from their partners, it's often because that's a lesson they learned in childhood from a parent.

I think your justifiable resentment at his behaviour has wiped out any chance of this morphing into a successful happy marriage. sorry. I had resentments in the early years too - a bit of the push/pull of who is doing more etc that I think most couples have - but I always felt we were in it together and he wanted to more than pull his weight.

I think it isn't so much you have lost any love for him but that you have lost any respect for him. I don't blame you. I don't think he ever had any respect for you tbh - blaming your mother or comparing you to other better wives or the allergy thing. I think a marriage can survive falling out of love better than it can total loss of respect.

And just about this:

I can't share my worries/concerns around DCs with him either.

you have young children and are entering into what I think of as the golden years of childrearing - lovely years between 3-12. It will get a lot harder in the teen years and it will be brutal if you have a resident father whom you can't talk to, who doesn't share your concerns, who thinks it is your job to rear the children. I have 3 children all through the teen years. I could imagine surviving them on my own but not with a man in the bed next to me who wouldn't talk/share/worry along with me.

My jaw dropped when I read your op. I'm not sure I could have dealt with what you describe and stayed sane even. He abandoned you (and by extension the children) in your time of need, the moment you most needed him to have your back was the precise moment you found he wasn't there.
My time with baby +toddler etc was difficult for different reasons (and not as hard as yours I don't think), dh did as much as he could, we pulled together, it still took its toll and we developed some distance as a couple as we battled through. However now times are easing we are managing to reconnect and I think our marriage will be OK. I don't think that necessary repair after an extended period of 'us' being a low priority could have been possible if we hadn't been in it together. So I suppose what I'm trying to say is that marriages need care and nurture in their own right to go the distance even when all is well and no particular changes come up. When it's a bumpy road a marriage can survive but I struggle to see how the connection can remain /be recaptured when one half has left you to sink or swim like that.
I'm really sorry for your experience, it's sound utterly lonely and back breaking and I'm full of admiration that it didn't finish you off.

Great advice from pallisers put it so much better than me.

Given he hasn't changed and doesn't really see the problem with how he behaved, is he the man you can rely on in future crises or in old age and ill health?

God, you're not married to my ex-husband are you?

Unfortunately, having had a husband like yours, I can tell you that the selfishness never ends. I was once in hospital literally dying from appendicitis (I thought I just had really bad food poisoning so didn't seek medical attention until things were almost too late) and my husband dropped me off at the hospital and used the "opportunity" to go and play endless rounds of golf for the several days I was in there, never coming to see me once. When I was discharged, my Dad had to bring me home from hospital to find the house empty with no food in it and he had to leave me there to go and physically drag my husband off the golf course.

That's just one of many examples of extreme selfishness that I suffered through before I got rid of the arse.

In your case, it sounds like your husband is very similar and now that your kids are at school, I'd use this opportunity to think very hard about what kind of future you all have as a family. If he's not bringing much to the party, then do you want to continue with this marriage? Life is too short to be used and unappreciated xx

@Shineofduty

Sorry to hear so many of us are in the same position.

I'm trying to disengage now too @Trisha5657 but it is really hard. I told my counsellor last week that I was struggling with the pretending. I therefore emailed him how I'm feeling and that because he has not followed through on our agreements, we have no future. I then cancelled our meal reservation for my birthday and said that spending time together as a couple isn't an option for me whilst he refuses to work on things.

He said "thanks for the email" then cancelled the reservation and is behaving normally with me since. He is sitting next to me on the sofa as I write, asking me if I have a busy day at work planned for tomorrow. He has told me about his day at work as if all is normal.

I've just asked him to go away because I can't tolerate the pretence. He's so hard faced.

I feel chastised.

I did this with my ex-husband too. Wrote him a letter with all of the issues in our marriage and handed it to him. He read it. Then turned and put it in the recycling bin. He never said another word about it. Didn't acknowledge a goddamn thing I said in the letter. Later I begged for marriage counselling and he said he'd be happy for me to go but didn't see why he had to come with me as he "wasn't the one with the problem".

I could've written your post OP.. DS was a high needs baby and it nearly sunk me. DH and I are now doing the cohabiting, coparenting but separated thing until we can afford to divorce. I will never forgive him for how shit he was even if he is a slightly better parent now its easier. It was evident if things got bad he just didn't give a fuck anyone but himself.