To be angry with DH years later.

[Shineofduty]

I've just emerged from the trenches of parenting young children as my youngest child has now gone off to school. We've had one child have lots of illnesses which has required endless tests etc and the other one has had allergies and been an extremely challenging baby.

I've breastfed them, juggled work and kept the family home going throughout whilst trying to keep my marriage afloat when DH has been awkward.

Now I'm out of it all and I have a bit of time before I begin working Full Time again in January, I'm reflecting on these last 5 years.

The times that DH left me high and dry at night when I was sleep deprived, exhausted and needed his help, when he went out drinking when the kids were babies and he came home wasted and useless ay night and the following day. When I was 7 months pregnant and poorly with an infection, a stomach bug and a resulting pulled muscle in my stomach from vomiting and he still went to the pub when I pleaded with him to stay with me.

The time he went cycling on my birthday leaving me at home for 10 hours with a 2 year old and a newborn because "it's not like we can celebrate much anyway."

The criticisms from his family in the early days and his failure to stick up for me. Lots more. We've had a lot of talks around everything over the last few years and I thought I'd got past most of it, but it's reared it's head because it's all clear now.

Things aren't great at the moment as I'm angry with him for not following through on a couple of agreements we'd made, but mostly I'm sad for the past.

Those baby years didn't last long and I was so sad, so alone, so tired. But it could have been kinder, nicer and easier if he had been on my team. More than being sad that they're over- I'm sad with him, that he didn't step up and wasn't the man I thought he was.

I'm working through all the feelings in counselling and actually considering ending my marriage. I don't know why I'm posting really, other than, I want to express how I'm feeling somewhere safe.

Other reasons are:
Lack of support from my own family.
My own health- I have an autoimmune disease.
Not really feeling quite ready to fully go it alone- my DH is emotionally absent but very good practically in the home in terms of cleaning, washing up etc. When other women share their stories about their lazy husbands, they'll often say how lucky I am. So it blurs the picture sometimes and makes it difficult to leave.

Hi op, I am in the thick of those baby years with a 2yr old and another due in Nov. I am also ill right now and have had periods of illness all year for some reason (normally pretty healthy) so I can relate to what's you've said, how you needed your husband.

My husband is the opposite and has taken the load of looking after DS when I am ill or even just feeling tired, gets up with him every day including weekends so I can get a long lie.
Does his fair share of housework and jobs etc.
I honestly think if I were you, I'd have left my DH a long time ago but I can understand the staying when you've also had no support from your family and needed his finance.
So I don't think it's unreasonable of you to now look back and see how poorly you've been treated and the fact you know he wouldn't so it any differently.
There's no way on earth my husband would have gone out if I had begged him to stay when I was ill and with two babies. That is absolutely shocking.

I'm not sure what to suggest but maybe couples counseling first although I think I'd just leave.
Poor you. And also, well done! Because you've done it all despite him so go you! X

He sounds awful. Absolutely selfish.

Op, what is he actually like now?

do you want to return to FT working op?

He sounds awful.

Get organised and get out.

I just read your post and wanted to say I’m sorry. I cried a bit reading it. It sounds very sad. I hope you can find a way to be happier

I'm sorry OP . He's not part of your team. He's traded your health and wellbeing for his leisure time and hobbies.

Just remember that you don't actually have to go anywhere from here, not immediately. If he's hardly there and not bothering you, you can take some time to be yourself, get into the groove of full-time work, maybe get a babysitter in sometime to carve some time for yourself and just work out what you want going forward.

It sounds like a very lonely life OP. He's utterly selfish.

By chance has one of his "apologies" included a phrase like "I said I'm sorry what more do you want"?

@QueeniesCroft so sorry you have been through this. It's not too late to leave.

Sounds like death by 1000 cuts and I totally see where you're coming from.

It's great you're getting counselling to figure it all out.

I couldn't get past most of the things you've shared that he did tbh OP.

I think it's common to go into survival mode in a time of huge stress and trauma and only start processing it at the other side, which can be almost as traumatic all over again as you realise how badly you were let down.

Some of the stuff you said he did, like going to the pub when you begged him not to and were so, so ill- go beyond being selfish and into cruel territory.

I couldn't spend the rest of my life with someone who had such a cruel streak. It would be unthinkable for any decent adult to leave their partner in that state to go to a proper 'do' let alone the bloody pub. It really is indicative of how he sees his status in the relationship.

Sorry OP, I know none of that helps but you aren't over reacting. At all.

I would maybe have some
Counselling to work through the trauma from those years and help you decide what you want to do next.

He sounds horrible and a chauvinist too

The man who went cycling on your birthday for 10 hours while you cared for a toddler and a newborn IS WHO HE IS. He is selfish and uncaring and will never change.

I totally understand why you have stuck it for this long, especially with the childhood you experienced, but if you are planning to spend the rest of your valuable life with him, then you will be signing up to no help when you are poorly, if you struggle with your MH, if the kids fall ill etc.

I grew up with DA and Alcoholism op and didn't experience happy until I met my dh. Now I know what it is like to be loved and cared for, I feel very, very sure that in your position, ending your marriage is the right thing. You deserve more. Start with therapy and take it from there.

I broke up with my son's dad after finding out about a huge secret he'd kept from me. Nearly 2 years on and the thing I can still get angry and emotional about is thinking back to how badly he let me down when I needed him most during my pregnancy and the first year of our sons life. He was exactly the same as your partner and it made me realise he wasn't the man I thought he was and I lost all respect and romantic love for him.
For some reason I get so upset when I talk about it yet all the other stuff he did like cheating etc doesn't bother me as much as letting me down when I needed him the most. I understand why you feel like you do.

Fuck this loser op, get yourself back to work and start divorce proceedings.

What a bastard.

OP.

Very kindly... Why do you allow this absolute shit bag to continously put your feelings down? You matter too, you know, not just him.

@PermanentTemporary I thought the same about them getting older, but actually, as the eldest is showing more opinions about things and pulling him up when he's not practicing what he preaches, he's become impatient and infuriated.

He's great when it comes to sharing hobbies and interests with them- lego, Harry Potter, that sort of thing (where it's something that he's also interested in) but in a real life, day to day regard, I think he has a better relationship with them when they're younger and more cuddly. But only when it suits.

My own Dad was pretty awful. So in the beginning, seeing DH cuddle our babies and play with them made me doubt any reservations I had. I never had any of that. But now, watching other Dads has taught me that he's a basic Dad, not a good Dad.

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend "has taken the load of looking after DS when I am ill or even just feeling tired, gets up with him every day including weekends so I can get a long lie."

DH used to do this for me too. But it was when something else came along that I'd be left high and dry. It's been difficult as he swings between very supportive and extremely unsupportive which has confused me.

But, I will say one thing. I think that the help and support he's willingly given me (on the surface) over the years has caused him to hold me in contempt.

I question if he really did want the family he said he wanted. On the surface, he was going to be the perfect family man, but deep down, I think he blames me and hates me for the restrictions that family life hqs placed on his life. But he would never admit this.

I too understand this. Although my H was a hands on dad when they were babies, as they got older and more individual, he wasn't available for me to discuss issues with etc.
He was there but definitely not there iykwim.
He didn't have my back and I decided I couldn't be with him as your partner is meant to have your back, especially in times of need.
Incidentally, he's less available now to the dc than ever and they are teenagers.

@chainbreaker your H sounds just like mine- more practical and a bit void when it comes to emotional stuff. And the same- I can't share my worries/concerns around DCs with him either. This has been particularly telling with the allergy issue, I often felt like I was navigating it all alone. I have an allergy (a different one) and when we learned that allergies were genetic and so probably from me, it was like it became my problem, because afterall, it's my fault.

@Shineofduty, does he lack empathy?

It seems as if the family are there mostly to serve his needs rather than have a genuine connection. Ex H was very much like this, good domestically and a good dad if the dc are doing what suits him. Otherwise his agenda dominates and he doesn't have real empathy, he's able to say superficial phrases that initially sound plausible. He can apologise but there is no genuine remorse.

It took me years and many incidents to realise he would never have my back. It literally made me ill and stress is definitely a trigger for auto immune conditions.

Walking away was hard but I know that unless they take full accountability and show remorse it's highly unlikely to change.

@fireflygal your situation sounds similar. It's difficult isn't it when they're practically hands on and saying some of the right things when something within you is telling you that, no, they don't REALLY care.

He himself would admit that he lacks empathy.

You have given him his chance.

Start putting plans in place for your future.

Your marriage is over and this is not a man you will want to grow old with.

You deserve better.

I'm in a similar boat.

Really resentful of my husband for shitty things he's done in the past, and the longer I hold onto it the more angry I am.

You sound like an excellent mum and I'm sure you'd manage on your own. I sometimes think doing everything alone would be less mentally draining than doing everything but also holding onto a bitter resentment x

My Dad was similar to your DH op.
Watching the way he neglected my DM when she was dying of a terminal illness was heartbreaking, he really couldn't ever put her first, not ever.

I would imagine you would have a much happier life without your DH.
We don't know what the future will bring, but I can't see your DH ever changing, and you and your DC deserve way way more.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this op.

Another one here who is having counselling at the moment and much of it seems to centre around issues with husband and resentment which has built up over time.

your H sounds just like mine- more practical and a bit void when it comes to emotional stuff. And the same- I can't share my worries/concerns around DCs with him either.

I've realised my husband doesn't like to interact much with the dc unless it is something HE likes to do. He was better when they were babies and would just get on with the practical stuff. He does help around the house but moans/sighs a lot too.

Working from home, I have asked him to help out on the school run a bit...he finds it a squeeze in between all those important meetings...whilst I have always found work around dc and stepped back. I've realised just how much I've enabled him with his career (which admittedly has aided us financially) whilst I have done very little for myself. Not supporting me when I had PND and taking it seriously (I became suicidal) and just departing to work. And more recently, watching porn secretly. Whilst his hobbies haven't dominated, I don't always feel he is mentally/emotionally present if that makes sense and might as well be out doing them.

Like you, I have a background of childhood trauma/abuse and probably set my bar a bit low/was love bombed in the beginning.

One poster posted about disengaging from her husband and living in the same house...this is what I've done because I don't feel in a position to leave for various reasons and husband has a role to play in our team (on a practical basis). I am still trying to unravel it and make sense of it all through therapy.

Wishing you all the best op.

Sorry for the epic post.