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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Divorcing an idiot

60 replies

WTFis2020 · 26/09/2021 07:22

Hi everyone,
I’m about to initiate divorce proceedings against my husband. I have suggested the amicable route, mediation or via a solicitor.

He doesn’t want to use a solicitor but also doesn’t want to communicate/be amicable! I’ve suggested he takes our rental property (which would give him maybe £15k equity) and I would keep the marital home (there is about £30k equity, so it would be easier for him to take the rental and he’d be no worse off)

He wants more!

I have two children, a decent job - but he is the highest earner (around £7k a month via his ‘limited company’)

Can anyone offer any advice? I appreciate my next step is a solicitor but would like some thoughts from people who have been in the same situation.

Thanks

OP posts:
Suitcaseseverywhere · 26/09/2021 07:25

You need a solicitor.

Flowers
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 26/09/2021 07:25

Just get a solicitor and stop letting him control things.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 26/09/2021 07:28

Maybe I’m being an idiot as well but…
Without knowing any details of your marriage that would affect a divorce the starting point is everything split 50/50.
You OP says there’s £45k equity across 2 properties and you want him to take the rental which has £15k property whilst you have the house which has a double the equity. Why should he settle for a third / 2 thirds split?

BlowDryRat · 26/09/2021 07:31

Solicitor all the way. So what of he doesn't want to use one? I had that with muppet ex. It cost me far more to go through half the process without advice than of I'd just engaged a decent solicitor from the off. It was far less stress as well.

Dancingsmile · 26/09/2021 07:31

Stop trying to negotiate with him. Let it go through the process. Often the first solicitors bill for consultation, an email and a letter makes them think straight.

TriciaMcMillan · 26/09/2021 07:31

@Idontgiveagriffindamn

Maybe I’m being an idiot as well but… Without knowing any details of your marriage that would affect a divorce the starting point is everything split 50/50. You OP says there’s £45k equity across 2 properties and you want him to take the rental which has £15k property whilst you have the house which has a double the equity. Why should he settle for a third / 2 thirds split?
You're not the only one, I'm also confused by this.
GrandmasCat · 26/09/2021 07:39

He earns £7k a month from his own company, you will be lucky to ever get the correct amount of child maintenance as he can disguise part of his salary/assets as belonging to the company. £7k a month allows him to sustain a legal battle until you run out of money, courts won’t make a decision until they reach the final hearing and that could take several years.

The equity of both houses is 45k which is not much at all on that salary, does he have a good pension? if not, the cheapest and less damaging option may be to give him the rental property and £7.5k and keep the good will.

Use CMS for maintenance, not court.

ZenNudist · 26/09/2021 07:43

What about half the company and his pension?

Original poster
WTFis2020 · 26/09/2021 07:44

2/3rds split as:
I have the children 24/7 whilst he works away earning 4 times as much as me
It is our family home
He has savings/investments/pensions which I wouldn’t touch and would just like to get out of this mess and move on.

OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 26/09/2021 07:45

Why should he settle for a third / 2 thirds split?

Because he earns more and she will be doing the lion share of the work and forking more money raising those kids?

At least that is the view of courts, 50/50 is only the departing point.

Having said that, with such a small pot, fighting for more might cost her more than what she will get, unless he has a great pension. Spousal maintenance in that salary is a possibility but nothing that is life changing.

cheeseismydownfall · 26/09/2021 07:51

If he has savings, pensions and investments I think you would be absolutely mad to walk away with nothing but 30K equity in the family home.

Auroreforet · 26/09/2021 07:54

@WTFis2020 see a solicitor, at least initially.
Do not walk away without some pension, you'll regret it when you need it.

GrandmasCat · 26/09/2021 08:00

A way to save £1000s in solicitor fees is to get the The Which? Guide to Divorce (and read it!) and use the solicitor just for case specific advise. Never forget that the solicitor is charging on 6 minutes blocks (£3-4 a minute), so don’t use them to unburden your frustrations on them (counseling is much cheaper) or trying to convince them you are right (they will defend you even if you are wrong), their letters do not carry legal weight so do the chasing letters yourself (address to your ex solicitor though if he is using one)

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/09/2021 08:03

Has he made a counter offer?

endofagain · 26/09/2021 08:07

You need to find and copy every single piece of financial paperwork you can. If he hasnt already hidden it.
Pay slips, tax returns, pensions, bank statements, credit card statements.Does he pay any staff? Own or rent any buildings?
Pensions are really important, especially if you don't have one.

Original poster
WTFis2020 · 26/09/2021 08:08

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Has he made a counter offer?
Not yet. I just don’t know what to do, barter with him or go via a solicitor. I’ve had a difficult year and nursed my Mum through brain cancer, I’m not sure if I have any more fight left in me.

I don’t want a war but don’t want me and my boys to lose out either.

OP posts:
growinggreyer · 26/09/2021 08:10

You are still thinking as if you are doing the divorce together. You need to get into a battle mindset. you are doing the divorce TO him and it doesn't matter what he thinks about that. He is now your opponent. Get yourself a good solicitor and go after the split that makes sense to you. Good luck!

Suitcaseseverywhere · 26/09/2021 08:10

Are they not his children?

GrandmasCat · 26/09/2021 08:11

OP, with regards to his LTD company, is he the sole owner? Does he have other shareholders that may have a much bigger stake in the company than him?

Original poster
WTFis2020 · 26/09/2021 08:13

@Suitcaseseverywhere

Are they not his children?
Yes they are his children
OP posts:
Original poster
WTFis2020 · 26/09/2021 08:14

@GrandmasCat

OP, with regards to his LTD company, is he the sole owner? Does he have other shareholders that may have a much bigger stake in the company than him?
Sole owner. Pays himself minimum wage tipped up with dividends. That’s how he has been able to afford a sports car and overseas property since our split.
OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 26/09/2021 08:16

You need to see a solicitor to see where you stand but, if you are not strong enough for this fight right now, just hold fire until you are ready.

Has he moved out? If he has, just sit tight and ignore him until you are ready. Just contact CMS for the maintenance to start and apply for universal credits for help with childcare costs (you can find a calculator of how much you will get at entitledto.org.uk or .co.uk)

One thing however is, can you take over the mortgage of the marital home? If so, you are in a much better place than most women.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 26/09/2021 08:18

Solicitor.

Stop listening to him or your own beaten down self.

Solicitor.

LawnFever · 26/09/2021 08:19

@WTFis2020

2/3rds split as: I have the children 24/7 whilst he works away earning 4 times as much as me It is our family home He has savings/investments/pensions which I wouldn’t touch and would just like to get out of this mess and move on.
You’ve every right to a share of the savings and pension, they’re martial assets, they aren’t ‘his’.

You need a solicitor for your own rights here, and for your children’s financial security.

Everything in a marriage is legally 50/50, do you have details of the savings & pension? I’m assuming he’s only been able to accumulate these because you’ve done the bulk of childcare!

Suitcaseseverywhere · 26/09/2021 08:20

You really really need to go to a solicitor. I’m sorry x