Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Divorcing an idiot

60 replies

WTFis2020 · 26/09/2021 07:22

Hi everyone,
I’m about to initiate divorce proceedings against my husband. I have suggested the amicable route, mediation or via a solicitor.

He doesn’t want to use a solicitor but also doesn’t want to communicate/be amicable! I’ve suggested he takes our rental property (which would give him maybe £15k equity) and I would keep the marital home (there is about £30k equity, so it would be easier for him to take the rental and he’d be no worse off)

He wants more!

I have two children, a decent job - but he is the highest earner (around £7k a month via his ‘limited company’)

Can anyone offer any advice? I appreciate my next step is a solicitor but would like some thoughts from people who have been in the same situation.

Thanks

OP posts:

Bollindger · 26/09/2021 08:22

He thinks he is going short change his children.
Go after him for everything you can.

TintinIsBack · 26/09/2021 08:22

Solicitor at the very least to check that what you are asking for is ok. I wouldn’t be surprised if you are asking for too little (see savings and pension).
I. also would expect him to get. some advice too…

endofagain · 26/09/2021 08:22

He has overseas property? I agree that you need to sit tight in your home for now. Do you have a mortgage and who is on it?
Your children are entitled to their home and financial support from their father.

30mph · 26/09/2021 08:22

Solicitor. You need to wise up quickly.

LawnFever · 26/09/2021 08:23

I don’t want a war but don’t want me and my boys to lose out either.

Keep your boys at the front of your mind, why should they lose out while he sits on savings & pensions.

Sorry about your mum OP, it sounds like you’ve had a terrible time to deal with but think about the future.

See a solicitor, don’t let him leave you short while he swans about with sports cars and oversees properties.

GrandmasCat · 26/09/2021 08:25

Pays himself minimum wage tipped up with dividends.

Pay the sneaky bastard £7,500 and get him out of your life. He doesn’t need the money he doesn’t want to give you but he will be happy to screw you up for the sake of competition.

Protect your good heart, you need it in good shape to be a good mum, a good co worker and to rebuild your life in the future. Do not damage it in a long fight for money with him.

See a solicitor to see where you stand, then convince him to go to family mediation, mediators are legally trained and can draft agreements and legal documents. They will help you to go through the process in a more gentle and less expensive way (I believe family mediation is required these days before you can take your case to court, but it is not advised if there are control or domestic abuse issues)

timeisnotaline · 26/09/2021 08:27

You need a decent solicitor. 45k equity is very low for 2 people working, one with a well earning job (& an even more profitable business), there must be a lot more around. It’s not greedy to want a fair split for your kids.
If nothing else, getting a good estimate of the actual assets for fair division is often the only way these men will back down on ‘I deserve it all, it’s MINE’.

GrandmasCat · 26/09/2021 08:28

How good a pension will he have if he is paying himself minimum salary? Dividends should count when splitting family pot or for maintenance calculation but, honest question, how do you get the sneaky bastard to reveal how much he is paying in dividends if he controls the company?

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 26/09/2021 08:29

Yes op seriously, stop trying to deal with him and het a solicitor in place. How dont have a choice. He has a lot and wants more from the children. He is not going to be reasonable.

TintinIsBack · 26/09/2021 08:33

You also need some discussion on CM…

RandomMess · 26/09/2021 08:34

Absolutely get full financial disclosure from him and use financial accountant.

This bloke could be sitting on assets if £250k or more easily.

You will get peanuts in maintenance. You and your DC need to get the financial settlement you deserve as he sure isn't going to take care of his boys financially in the future.

He's shown you that he won't be reasonable and that he doesn't think you should get anything.

LemonTT · 26/09/2021 08:34

If you want to use a solicitor use a solicitor. It’s his decision whether he does or doesn’t. You will need to do some form of mediation. Which is going to be better than you listing a load of suggestions. Have you tried to find a mediator.

The child care split in the marriage won’t necessarily inform what happens in the future. Again best not to presume it will be as he can easily rearrange his life.

Whether he responds could be deliberate or it could be head in the sand. Either way you are going to have to settle in for a long haul. There won’t be a lot you can do about his behaviour. I suspect he knows he can drag this out. Your only option is to go through the formal motions and eventually it will happen. Anything else just adds to his time wasting.

BBOA · 26/09/2021 08:36

Don’t fgs lose out for an easy life. If he’s got his own savings it’s because he hasn’t paid his share or because he earns a lot. (Which you’ve said he does) Should be joint savings or some in both names surely.what else has hex squirrelled away? Very little equity for such high earnings too . Are you sure that’s right? Where’s his money going?

GrandmasCat · 26/09/2021 08:38

Agree there could be far more hidding around unless he is good at spending all the money in life luxuries.

I have friend, who has always lived in fabulous huge houses in expensive areas, has amazingly expensive holidays abroad several times a year, all they are was Marks and Spencer ready meals, had a child in private school and beautiful sports cars. She once told me that if they split it would be dead easy as there was nothing to split, they had no savings, the houses were rented, the cars where in credit and they were in arrears paying the school. The husband was spending all the money as it came in.

violetbunny · 26/09/2021 08:40

Please see a solicitor, if only at least to see how much they think you may be entitled to.

GrandmasCat · 26/09/2021 08:41

Full disclosure is mandatory when you have children, but how full that disclosure is is a matter of good will, sadly.

When it comes to self employed people, proving assets and income is very costly and never straight forward.

twoandeights · 26/09/2021 08:48

Do not walk away from company assets and the pension! That could be worth hundreds of thousands!! See a solicitor

Treacletoots · 26/09/2021 08:52

He's already shown you his hand OP. He's going to try and give you as little as possible whilst taking as much for himself, and fuck what happens to your children. Think about that.

Now get angry, and stand up for what your children are entitled to, whilst he's swanning around buying holiday homes and sports cars!!!

I did exactly what you said, I kept the equity for an easy life and didn't go after inheritance or pension. But we didn't have children. Do it for them.

Nowthisisme · 26/09/2021 09:26

With a limited company it’s tax efficient to put money into a pension. So his pension could be very healthy indeed.
Op please see a solicitor and follow due process. It doesn’t have to be nasty. Its just a professional way of dissolving your marriage contract.

cheeseismydownfall · 26/09/2021 09:55

You will get peanuts in maintenance. You and your DC need to get the financial settlement you deserve as he sure isn't going to take care of his boys financially in the future.

I think this is good advice. You need to secure as much as you possibly can now, while you can, as part of the settlement. Agree with PPs who have observed that there is probably a lot more money out there.

No fucking way would I choose to walk away from a marriage with just £30K if was was the primary care giver for two young children with an ex that earns that amount. Do it for your children's future.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 26/09/2021 10:01

@cheeseismydownfall

If he has savings, pensions and investments I think you would be absolutely mad to walk away with nothing but 30K equity in the family home.

I agree, you would be daft to do this. A court probably wouldn't sign off the consent order if the pensions were so imbalanced (assuming his pot is larger than yours). If you have the children the majority of the time, then it's entirely fair you get more equity.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/09/2021 10:19

The only person your future ex H cares about is his own self and own self only. He does not want to share and has never wanted to share.

I would also employ the services of both a Solicitor and a forensic accountant.

He is not your friend here, he is not to be trusted and he's already declaring his hand. I doubt very much whether mediation would be at all successful, let alone advisable as he is already being obstructive.

Bouledeneige · 26/09/2021 10:40

See a solicitor. If it's a long marriage you need to split all the assets - including property, pensions and savings minus all the debts, 50/50. So this will require full financial disclosure and valuations of pensions.

You need solicitors advice to understand what you are entitled to and to negotiate terms. You can do this without him using a solicitor (which happened in my case). It does not mean going to court which should be avoided at all costs but it does mean fully understanding and getting yourself a fair deal.

Do not try to take him to the cleaners or to get rich. But make sure you get what you deserve. He doesn't get to dictate terms. And this includes agreeing contact rights with your DC and maintenance.

Marjoriedrawers · 26/09/2021 10:45

@Idontgiveagriffindamn

Maybe I’m being an idiot as well but… Without knowing any details of your marriage that would affect a divorce the starting point is everything split 50/50. You OP says there’s £45k equity across 2 properties and you want him to take the rental which has £15k property whilst you have the house which has a double the equity. Why should he settle for a third / 2 thirds split?

This was my thought too. You seem to have it all worked out to your own advantage financially. I probably wouldn't want to negotiate with you either. It should be a 50/50. Why should he settle for half the equity you want? I think you're going to be disappointed with your settlement when this goes to court if you think that's how it's going to work.

endofagain · 26/09/2021 11:00

He has overseas property, pension, dividends and an expensive car. A nice sports car can cost around 50K.

Flip

1 2 3