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Original poster

Is it possible to work through a big betrayal?

57 replies

Dolly103 · 25/09/2021 17:21

I have been in a relationship with a male for 8 years.. it's not been straight forward to say the least I love him, we get on so well and he loves my kids (it's reciprocal). He likes to be alone (he has past trauma) so we lived apart until last year. It was a big big decision.
Since moving in I discovered that he has been in another relationship for 3 years. I am totally devastated, angry hurt..,, the whole time we were planning this move etc it's all just been a lie. Essentially he has been living a double life.
He said all the usual stuff and appears devastated. He is having therapy etc which is great but he moved out as once again he needs space.
It's so tough.
I just wondered if there are any recovery stories out there? How do people recover relationships when there have been so many lies.. is it possible?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/09/2021 17:23

Never take this man back. He is not to be trusted and is clearly not the man you thought he was.

Why would you want to at all work through this anyway?. There is nothing to rescue or save here.

HairyFanjoBanjo · 25/09/2021 17:24

No, just no. He is duplicitous in the extreme! Three fucking years of constant lies.

Wake up OP! Would you advocate your daughter / sister / mother / friend stay in a relationship with such a cheating piece of shit?

elQuintoConyo · 25/09/2021 17:24

Devastated because he has been caught.

User090 · 25/09/2021 17:24

No way. That’s more than the average betrayal. There’s no way you could come back from this. Leave with your dignity in tact.

EmilyEmmabob · 25/09/2021 17:26

I don't believe there is any coming back from that. It wasn't a one off, it was a whole separate life whilst using the guise of past trauma to have the opportunities to carry it out.

Walk away and don't look back, he's not to be trusted and he's wasting your life.

QforCucumber · 25/09/2021 17:28

Honestly? Personally - I wouldn't want to work through that, the realisation that he had such little respect for me would make me never want him as any part of my life ever again.

Dery · 25/09/2021 17:30

You can't get past this because you can't trust him as far as you can throw him. He's told you he likes to be alone because of past trauma. Sounds like he likes to be alone so he can have a relationship with more than one woman at a time. Please don't waste any more time on this guy. In fact, you shouldn't be trying to hold on to a relationship which is not straightforward. One of the things that struck me when I got together with my now DH was just how damn easy it was.

BarefootHippieChick · 25/09/2021 17:32

Three years?? He's probably devastated because other woman has found out and dumped him too

NotMyDayJob · 25/09/2021 17:33

This isn't just a mistake. Three years!

AnyFucker · 25/09/2021 17:34

You would be a mug to swallow that kind of treatment

thesearelaughterlines · 25/09/2021 17:36

Never ever ever would I take this wanker back

ftw163532 · 25/09/2021 17:37

It would be foolish in the extreme to do anything other than end the relationship permanently and immediately.

Why haven't you done that?

rumred · 25/09/2021 17:37

He's a weapons grade piece of shit.
Past trauma does not excuse current bastardy

Standrewsschool · 25/09/2021 17:41

He likes to live alone...now we know why, he’s being seeing someone else!

Three years is along time. Did she split with him which is why he felt ready to move in with you. Before then, he couldn’t take the risk.

The relationship is over. The trust has gone. I’m sorry you’ve wasted eight years of your life on him.

unsportyspice · 25/09/2021 17:43

You would be forever wondering what he is up to. Where is he now when not with you! Have things ended with OW?

I would want to speak to her and find out exactly what he has been telling her.
Taking him back will lower your confidence and affect your mental health.
Sorry you are going through this.

Peppermint81 · 25/09/2021 17:50

Find someone else who deserves you!
You are not respecting yourself by putting up with that. You will love again xx

CreepingDeath · 25/09/2021 17:55

I'm sorry but this is not like a one night stand where you may be able to work through it, an error of judgement, a mistake etc.

There is no way to ever trust this person again, he has lied regularly for three years! That is not by accident. He has created a life with another person simultaneously while claiming to care about you.

Get rid and move on with your life. What a bastard.

Marineboy67 · 25/09/2021 18:06

Don't kid or pretend to yourself that there's any chance of a future for this relationship. To lie to someone for that extent of time takes some doing. He's a selfish liar seriously lacking any integrity....move on as quickly as possible.

bridgeofslides · 25/09/2021 18:17

People recover by removing these toxic people from their lives x

Shellfishblastard · 25/09/2021 18:19

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP. That must have been such a shock for you - major understatement I am sure. It’s just not something you would even remotely consider from a partner of 8 years.

I don’t think this is something you could work through, no. Some relationships survive affairs. This is far more than an affair isn’t it.

Did the other women know about you? Or has he been deceitful to you both?

I know after 8 years it will be hard to walk away, but the sad reality is, the last 3 years have been a lie and not based on mutual love and trust. He has been incredibly deceitful.

Womaninthistown · 25/09/2021 18:20

He sounds awful.

Think about what he has done… the lies to not just you but your children. I understand it’s so hard - I’ve been there but try and see this for what it really is. He’s upset because he got caught. It would have continued until one of you found out. He’s not a good man & never will be to you.

Viddy2021 · 25/09/2021 18:20

Run. And don't look back.

Babyghirl · 25/09/2021 18:28

@Dolly103
I would not even be able to work through a betrayal of 3 mins let alone 3 years walk away, she's the only one you know of how many was there before her or even the same time as her.

How did you find out?

tsmainsqueeze · 25/09/2021 18:52

He is not worth your tears ,i wouldn't even think about a future with him.
My rage would see me through this , you don't know him , he is not the man he lead you to believe he was .
He deserves no sympathy or understanding for his actions despite his past trauma , 3 years !

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/09/2021 18:53

He’s bad for you. Whatever you feel, remember that the attachment you feel for him is masking the truth, it isn’t the truth itself. The truth is he betrayed you and he is bad for you.