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Original poster

Is it possible to work through a big betrayal?

57 replies

Dolly103 · 25/09/2021 17:21

I have been in a relationship with a male for 8 years.. it's not been straight forward to say the least I love him, we get on so well and he loves my kids (it's reciprocal). He likes to be alone (he has past trauma) so we lived apart until last year. It was a big big decision.
Since moving in I discovered that he has been in another relationship for 3 years. I am totally devastated, angry hurt..,, the whole time we were planning this move etc it's all just been a lie. Essentially he has been living a double life.
He said all the usual stuff and appears devastated. He is having therapy etc which is great but he moved out as once again he needs space.
It's so tough.
I just wondered if there are any recovery stories out there? How do people recover relationships when there have been so many lies.. is it possible?

OP posts:
sunnyzweibrucken · 25/09/2021 19:00

Say what?!?! You actually want to take back this lying scumbag??? I would rather be alone for the rest of my life then be with someone like this. You would never trust him again. And I’m sure since he lied about this he will lie about so much more. Run away from this man, fat far away

user1481840227 · 25/09/2021 19:02

There's no way of getting past such a huge betrayal.
He has lied to your face for years so you know what he is capable of
He has put your happiness at risk and your childrens happiness at risk.

So what if he's in therapy, that's not great...not for you anyway as unfortunately he didn't give a flying fuck about seeking out therapy when he was living a double life, it's only now that he's been caught that he is going to therapy.
Do not fall for feeling sorry for him and listening to his revelations he has learned through therapy. I have suffered from a ton of trauma, I choose not to date because it wouldn't be fair on the other person as I am commitment phobic due to my past, this guy has chosen to risk causing trauma in you and in the other woman, kids etc, that's not excusable trauma or not.

Also the type of trauma that people cause by living double lives for extended periods is one of the worst kind of traumas where people can find it extremely hard to ever trust anyone again because the deception was so big. You need to worry more about yourself and your own mental health instead of his.

Bananarama21 · 25/09/2021 19:04

Hss not worth 3 years in a piss take

ShuddaBeenMe · 25/09/2021 19:05

No

Polkadots2021 · 25/09/2021 19:11

@Dolly103

I have been in a relationship with a male for 8 years.. it's not been straight forward to say the least I love him, we get on so well and he loves my kids (it's reciprocal). He likes to be alone (he has past trauma) so we lived apart until last year. It was a big big decision. Since moving in I discovered that he has been in another relationship for 3 years. I am totally devastated, angry hurt..,, the whole time we were planning this move etc it's all just been a lie. Essentially he has been living a double life. He said all the usual stuff and appears devastated. He is having therapy etc which is great but he moved out as once again he needs space. It's so tough. I just wondered if there are any recovery stories out there? How do people recover relationships when there have been so many lies.. is it possible?
OP you can't stay with this guy, he's a lying asshole. No therapy needed, he just lied to you every day for three years, simultaneously building a relationship with your kids knowing how it could be blown apart by his lies any second, devastating them. He's literally bottom of the barrel. Total loser. If you stay with him it will literally be the biggest mistake you've ever made and you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
thelastgoldeneagle · 25/09/2021 19:13

Why would you want to work through this?? He's lied to you over and over for three years. Block him and move on. What a piece of shit!

Thisthatandtheotherthing · 25/09/2021 19:16

A one night stand? Yeah probably. A month long affair? Maybe. 3 months? Pushing it.
3 YEARS? Not a bloody chance you will ever be able to work through that.

SlidDownTheElephantsTrunk · 25/09/2021 19:25

Why would you want to move past this ?

Just why ?

3 fucking years. 3 !

Move on from him.

romdowa · 25/09/2021 19:31

I'd suggest therapy for yourself, so you can work on all the reasons why you would even want to work past this.

BreadInCaptivity · 25/09/2021 19:38

@SlidDownTheElephantsTrunk

Why would you want to move past this ?

Just why ?

3 fucking years. 3 !

Move on from him.

This.

Why would you want to put yourself through a process of reconciliation with a person whose shown you no love, respect or care for your well-being?

spotcheck · 25/09/2021 19:46

@ShuddaBeenMe

No
This
Original poster
Dolly103 · 25/09/2021 19:56

Thank you all for your replies. It's a lot to take in but soooo obvious when I see your response.
It's been a crazy few weeks/year, so up setting on so many levels. I keep thinking it's all a mad dream.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolly103 · 26/09/2021 00:09

`@Babyghirl I saw a text to him challenged him then I contacted the person he sent it too who told me about their relationship.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 26/09/2021 09:28

Dear God woman, walk away already!

He was always this person, you’ve just found out.

Babyghirl · 26/09/2021 09:49

@Dolly103
Just think of it as he would still be in it if you had not found out so he's only sorry he got caught not for cheating, you deserve so much better girl. 💚

twoandeights · 26/09/2021 09:51

So he was still in the other relationship when he moved in? I’m guessing he’s got other relationships on the go. Not just these. He’s a multi player and not a good bet. Cut him off. There’s no coming back from this. He’s a liar.

bridgeofslides · 26/09/2021 11:03

[quote Dolly103]`@Babyghirl I saw a text to him challenged him then I contacted the person he sent it too who told me about their relationship.[/quote]
Well done for pursuing the facts

WouldBeGood · 26/09/2021 11:06

It’s impossible to get over this.

Cut your losses and dump him, block him, and mourn what you thought you had. It hurts so badly, but will be much less painful in the long run.

SleepingBunnies21 · 26/09/2021 11:30

After 5 years with you, including knowing your children, he started a relationship with another woman (at least one other woman) and "forgot" to mention it.

He continued that for 3 years and is only not continuing it now due to you catching him out.

Ge is obviously capable of quite incredible levels of compartmentalisation, duplicity, deception, disrespect, selfishness etc. He has no integrity.
He's actually slightly mental.

This is trashy mag shocking true story material here, Jeremy Kyle material....

Why are you even.considering salvaging it - investment, familiarity, shock? You'll get over it.

Men who make you share them.are not relationship material.

AtillatheHun · 26/09/2021 11:35

You are in a state of shock right now. If you give it some time, when your self respect comes back, you will realise that you don’t want to mend things with him. Save yourself the intervening trauma and don’t bother with trying. Good luck to you x

SleepingBunnies21 · 26/09/2021 11:37

Looking at this situation as an outsider,you think he really doesn't care about either of you, he doesn't care about anyone but himself. That's not going to change, he can't have a personality transplant.

Oh and I'd doubt his fidelity in the first 5 yrs with you as well.

Aa others have said, it's kinda obvious why he likes time alone/plenty of "space".

Original poster
Dolly103 · 26/09/2021 18:04

@AtillatheHun

You are in a state of shock right now. If you give it some time, when your self respect comes back, you will realise that you don’t want to mend things with him. Save yourself the intervening trauma and don’t bother with trying. Good luck to you x
Sure feels like it. Trying to make sense of it all.
OP posts:
DameMaureen · 26/09/2021 20:29

There are some situations and people that you will NEVER make sense of and it just does your head in trying to do so . Come on , you deserve better than this and you know it ?

isthismylifenow · 26/09/2021 20:40

Why would you want to though OP?

I do understand that you are in shock at the moment, but once reality sets in, I hope that you see that he does not deserve you.

Don't let him talk you around. If he is capable of living a double life undetected for 3 years, what else is he capable of...

category12 · 26/09/2021 20:49

What would you tell a friend in your situation?