Want to boot him out my life

[Kimjonghealthy]

Hey mumsnetters.

Long story short, I think I hate my husband, haha.

Been married for 5 years, two lovely kids but I am just finding him more and more unbearable as time goes on.

We have been friends for a long time before we got together so I think I kind of romanticised our relationship in my head and presumed it would be a lot better than it actually is.

Major events in our relationship that make me really resent him

• he squared up to me while he was drunk and I was pregnant at the time
• has subsequently gotten this sort of drunk another three times where he has screamed and hurled verbal abuse at me and stormed out the house
• on all these occasions I swithered on calling the police but ended up calling his mum instead
• he doesn't back me up when his family members insult me/my parenting/absolutely anything I'm doing
• I had to have a termination at one point which he provided absolutely zero support with
• he insisted we pay for household things 50/50 from the start of the relationship despite him earning twice what I did. Now that I earn more he has agreed to split it based on earnings
• with our first kid I paid for nursery by myself because I 'wanted it', even though it was just so I could sleep after nightshift
• I gave up my career to do agency work to earn more money to keep him happy
• I've run up credit card debt because he put me in such a shitty financial situation for so long and I'm too scared to tell him cause I know he'll go nuts
• he gets shitty if I haven't 'earned enough' for the month
• he has horribly sexist views at times and doesn't believe in the gender pay gap. Stated I should have gotten a better job if I wanted better pay (I am degree educated)
• when everything was going on with George Floyd in the US he was an 'all lives matter' dickheid. These views particularly turn my stomach

Now lots of stupid things bother me, like him eating all the snacks I buy for the kids on the weekly shop. Him not cleaning much because he berates me for not cleaning the house top to bottom after nightshifts.

I guess I'm just not happy and haven't really been for years. I'm scared to leave. I have no idea why, I earn well. I'm just really scared to let my kids down and upset them. I love them so much. I know he would want 50/50 custody which is fine because he is good with the kids and a good dad.

I'm really scared to do it alone or to even approach this with him

No questions really, just any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you x

You wold not be letting your kids down, you would be picking them up and onwards into a home of love that you would provide.

And they will know this.

I can't tell you how much better your life will be when you leave him. A happy peaceful home, no treading on eggshells no selfish greedy man eating your kids' food.

Thanks for your replies.

I know that I probably would feel better and more relived just living on my own with the kids, it's just the guilt that's getting me.

I'm also really sad that someone who was genuinely my best friend can't respect me. Or women in general. He really wasn't like that before

People change & sometimes it's not for the better, by the sounds of you already know you want to leave don't waste another 5 years thinking it'll get better.
Tell him how you feel and what you want from your relationship sooner rather than later if not just for you but for your kids aswell no one wants to grow up in an unhappy household.

He sounds absolutely vile! You deserve an award for sticking around as long as you have. Definitely one of those situations that you won't realise how bad it is until you are out and look back.

Wow, apart from the nightshifts this post could've been written about my ex. Practically identical, even down to the drunken abuse and the 'all lives matter' nonsense. It's shit. He's abusive, and you will be so much better off without him. I finally left mine a year ago, after 13 years, and the peace in my life now is invaluable! You don't deserve this treatment.

You'll be doing your kids a favour showing them you will not tolerate being treated like shit from someone meant to love and care for you.

Dont feel a moment more guilt from leaving this vile specimen. You don't need his permission to end it.

Everybody has annoying habits and can behave like a dick from time to time. But I couldn't share my life with someone who was a misogynist, or who didn't at heart want the best for me and my kids. Someone who insists on having more than you when you are struggling, then suddenly insists on 50/50 when you are earning more than him is a freeloader. Someone that makes you pay for nursery alone, leaving you in financial hardship so you can manage work and sleep doesn't care about you or your children. This isn't a partnership. I rarely say this, but you'd be better off without him.

OP it's not your fault he's like this and from what you've listed, he's emotionally, verbally and financially abusive. He has that double standarded patriachal bullshit about lots of things including house cleaning and finances.

I've just separated from my H for similar and already he is respecting me far more, we're separated a couple of weeks and it is bliss to not be living with his moods and double standards. He too did something when I was pregnant that was just beyond the pale.

I found reading books and watching youtube vids on verbal abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, emotionally destructive marriage etc etc extremely helpful when in the situation and contemplating leaving. I went to Women's Aid after the emotionally abusive incident when I was pregnant and they gave me the freedom counselling on the cycle of abuse.

It's not that you weren't his friend before, I'm sure you were great friends. He's gradually slotted you into a different category in his mind now that you're together... there may have been toxic male/female roles in his family growing up... it all comes out in the marriage unfortunately. My H's dad was violent to his wife when H was young. And I had verbal abuse in my childhood home. Not a good combo. But it doesn't matter in a way what the reasons are. He's being abusive, you don't have to put up with it.

@Toddlersareirrational sorry to hear you've been in a similar situation. It's just mind boggling isn't it.

I have a good support network with my family so I know everything will be okay when I eventually get the guts to leave. It's just making that leap that I'm struggling with. I know as soon as the words leave my mouth to tell him I'm done, he'll flip. Not physically abusive I might add but I'm sure he'll be very verbal. Just can't be arsed with that part of it. But I can't just mosey along like this forever.

I worked through the initial covid waves and watched a lot of people die and suffocate and it was shit. I got no support from home so I just feel like my mental health is at an all time low. Then that makes me question if I'm just mad and he's not actually that bad. It's just really overwhelming at the moment x

@SukiPook

So sorry to hear you've had similar experiences. But thank you so much for sharing. It really helps to know I'm not alone in this and that if I just put my big girl pants on, I'm sure I can cope eventually. Thank you x

Stop with this calling him a good dad. Women in such poor relationships write such self denying crap when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man (just as you have done). He is not a good dad to them if he treats you, and in turn your children, like he does. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. What support and help do you need here?. If you feel at all guilty then ask yourself why that is. He clearly does not feel any guilt or remorse towards you all and he is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry. What you are describing is both abuse and domestic violence.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two as their parents?. What did you see and learn as a parental example when you were growing up?. Currently they are seeing you still accepting this from their dad. You want them to potentially emulate a similar dysfunctional and abusive relationship as adults, no you do not. He is clearly not the "nice" person you ever thought he was either. It was an act he put on for you; he likely also targeted you deliberately.

He is probably using the 50/50 card purely as a further means to control you. Such inherently selfish men care nothing about the children, only their own selves. It is likely he won't be much if at all bothered with them going forwards so I doubt he would actually want 50/50 at all particularly given this would be half his week.

You need legal advice re divorce and also support from the likes of Womens Aid here to leave safely. Feel the fear and do it anyway. He is not going to make the whole process of you separating from him at all easy for you because he is abusive but you all absolutely need to get away from him. It may be also worth looking at occupation and non molestation orders re him too. Never hesitate to call the police either if he starts being violent.

Abuse like you describe takes time, years even, to recover from and your recovery from this will only start once you have properly separated from him.

Get legal advice and as MN say too "all your ducks in a row". Knowledge here is power too, get yourself properly organised and also enlist the help of trusted family/friends.

Present this to him as a done deal. He is going to kick off no matter how you tell him this relationship is over because his gravy train/easy ride with you is now coming to an end.

You and your children will be better off without his malign presence in your day to day lives. Would also suggest you look at the Freedom Programme and do this online or in person if circumstances permit.

OP,

You are in an abusive relationship with a vile excuse of a man.

You have support.

Your children deserve better than a childhood where their mother is treated this way.

You deserve better.

Start getting organised quietly.

He is not a good man, never was and never will be.

Be brave, reach out for support and plan to leave.

You owe this pig NOTHING.

Keep posting.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Brutal, but true. Thanks for your response.

Funnily enough by own dad was a violent alcoholic, so I suppose by comparison, I didn't see any major red flags with my husband as he wasn't as bad as that. Just more and more shitty things seem to have unfolded over the years.

I feel horrifically guilty about bringing my kids into this relationship. I'm crying as I write this. They're amazing kids and I don't want them to be damaged. I didn't realise how bad it was.

They won't be further damaged if you get them and yourself out of this abusive relationship asap. They certainly need to be taught the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

I did wonder about your boundaries and I see that sadly (but not altogether surprisingly) that your own father was a violent drunkard. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at what yours taught you. That alone is enough to mess with any child's head and the damaging lessons you took from seeing all that in childhood got transferred to your marriage now. I would read about codependency in relationships in future and see how much of this reflects in your own behaviours.

What you absolutely cannot afford to do is to be with yet another violent/abusive/alcoholic man in a future relationship (hence the freedom programme as part of your overall recovery from abuse). Love your own self for a change and rebuild your life as well as those of your kids. They will NOT say thanks mum to you if you were to choose to stay with him. You have a choice re him and your children do not. No obstacle to leaving either is ultimately insurmountable and you only need to give yourself permission to leave.

Part of getting your ducks in a row is getting your debt paid of quickly. Worth asking a solicitor if it would be considered a debt of the marriage?

He's awful @Kimjonghealthy , if you separated from him you'd be doing the right thing. I'm sure the kids will be ok. xx

op. You can do this
Make a plan, get advice from women’s aid. It sounds like your children are very young. In a lot of ways that makes it easier. They won’t remember you as a couple.

I would also seek support from al-anon. Best wishes

@RandomMess I'm not too worried about the debt. If I were on my own I could earn about £4000 a month which would let me pay it off relatively quickly. The reason I can't do that currently is because

• he doesn't know about the debt
• we transfer all our salary into the joint account minus our spending money which is about £400-500 each. I've been slowly paying the credit card with that.
• I don't work as much as I could because I'm 'not spending enough time with him' I'd rather work cause he gives me the ick haha

But I know if it were a decent relationship I wouldnt have to hide this debt, nor would I have accrued it in the first place

On principle I would have your salary paid into your account and say it's 50:50 on costs like it was before.

You will need to move where your salary is paid into anyway.

Sure he'll kick off but that will just make it easier to end the relationship.

Also ensure child benefit is in your name.

Oh it already does get paid into my account. So that shouldn't be an issue and I already get the child benefit for both kids.

I guess selling the house will be the struggle. Not sure I'd be allowed to buy him out since I only work a zero hour contract

God he is awful. Next time he is abusive call the police so is logged. He is not a good dad as others have said the way he treats the mother of his children. They will thank you in the future for protecting them.
You can survive financially without him, your life will be so much better without him. Good luck.

Thanks everyone for the input. Need to work on ditching the guilt and just go for it.

I'm on a stretch of 4 nights so will need to broach the subject early next week