Want to boot him out my life

[Kimjonghealthy]

Hey mumsnetters.

Long story short, I think I hate my husband, haha.

Been married for 5 years, two lovely kids but I am just finding him more and more unbearable as time goes on.

We have been friends for a long time before we got together so I think I kind of romanticised our relationship in my head and presumed it would be a lot better than it actually is.

Major events in our relationship that make me really resent him

• he squared up to me while he was drunk and I was pregnant at the time
• has subsequently gotten this sort of drunk another three times where he has screamed and hurled verbal abuse at me and stormed out the house
• on all these occasions I swithered on calling the police but ended up calling his mum instead
• he doesn't back me up when his family members insult me/my parenting/absolutely anything I'm doing
• I had to have a termination at one point which he provided absolutely zero support with
• he insisted we pay for household things 50/50 from the start of the relationship despite him earning twice what I did. Now that I earn more he has agreed to split it based on earnings
• with our first kid I paid for nursery by myself because I 'wanted it', even though it was just so I could sleep after nightshift
• I gave up my career to do agency work to earn more money to keep him happy
• I've run up credit card debt because he put me in such a shitty financial situation for so long and I'm too scared to tell him cause I know he'll go nuts
• he gets shitty if I haven't 'earned enough' for the month
• he has horribly sexist views at times and doesn't believe in the gender pay gap. Stated I should have gotten a better job if I wanted better pay (I am degree educated)
• when everything was going on with George Floyd in the US he was an 'all lives matter' dickheid. These views particularly turn my stomach

Now lots of stupid things bother me, like him eating all the snacks I buy for the kids on the weekly shop. Him not cleaning much because he berates me for not cleaning the house top to bottom after nightshifts.

I guess I'm just not happy and haven't really been for years. I'm scared to leave. I have no idea why, I earn well. I'm just really scared to let my kids down and upset them. I love them so much. I know he would want 50/50 custody which is fine because he is good with the kids and a good dad.

I'm really scared to do it alone or to even approach this with him

No questions really, just any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you x

You won’t necessarily have to sell the house if the children live with you. You can have a mesher order where their father has to wait for his share until they are 18.

Forget about any guilt its reductive, focus on giving them a better future, that is within your grasp and what they deserve.

Focus on yourself, your strengths and the knowledge that YOU can change from this path.

You sound like a great woman and a great mother.

Be proud of yourself.

Just lose the loser.

@billy1966

Forget about any guilt its reductive, focus on giving them a better future, that is within your grasp and what they deserve.

Focus on yourself, your strengths and the knowledge that YOU can change from this path.

You sound like a great woman and a great mother.

Be proud of yourself.

Just lose the loser.

100% 🌸

Your kids are being let down because you stay , you're being let down too.
If you earn well you are at an advantage , get out as soon as you can he is a shit and he's not going to change .
Do right for your kids , start the new life you have a right too .

I'm on nightshift sorry, that's why my replies have been latchy. In terms of money, I've been taking my remaining money out in cash and stashing it. Is there any way for that to be found in divorce proceedings and have him take it away from me?

Another point to note is that I run my own company as well as working. Company is in debt but I want to just shut it down as it's too much and I do the lion's share of the work. He is also listed as a director. Don't think he would object to shutting it down but I don't know how to go about this. Any advice or wisdom greatly appreciated x

No advice re the business but keep the cash safe, say nothing about it.

Get legal advice.
Ask colleagues and friends for advice.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

@billy1966

No advice re the business but keep the cash safe, say nothing about it.

Get legal advice.
Ask colleagues and friends for advice.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

darn tooting

How are you getting on OP?

Hey. Not too bad.

I've told him I want to leave. He's begged me not to because he loves me blah blah. He has been doing like all the housework and doing everything with the kids. But I know it's just temporary because we've been here before.

I told my best friend about it so someone knows in real life and I'm seeing my sister tomorrow. So will also let her know just so I have some IRL support.

I've been looking into housing options etc so that I am prepared although I'm not in a hurry to leave the house. I'd be able to stay with my parents though if it came to it. They're close by and have a whole spare upstairs that they don't use.

Taking steps to closing my business too. I worked hard to get it where it is but it's just not going to be feasible as a single parent.

So we move. Thank you everyone for all the support and cheerleading. Needed to hear it x

[quote Kimjonghealthy]@AttilaTheMeerkat

Brutal, but true. Thanks for your response.

Funnily enough by own dad was a violent alcoholic, so I suppose by comparison, I didn't see any major red flags with my husband as he wasn't as bad as that. Just more and more shitty things seem to have unfolded over the years.

I feel horrifically guilty about bringing my kids into this relationship. I'm crying as I write this. They're amazing kids and I don't want them to be damaged. I didn't realise how bad it was.[/quote]
Op, you are going through a lot. You were exposed to violence as a child this desensitised you as an adult. So its likely that you believed that anyone that was 1/100000 nicer than your dad, was your friend. It's the frog in boiling water situation.
Now you are aware how unhealthy your relationship was and you are taking action. You are protecting your DC from emotional abuse and further trauma. PP gave really good advice I can also add that maybe at some point when your finances are sorted you could pursue counselling. Best wishes

So glad to read this.

You are so much stronger than you realise and you will get through this and thrive.

Tell everyone and get out sooner rather than later.

He may turn nasty when he realises you will not bend.

Don't hesitate to call the police and get him removed.

He is scum.

Keep posting.

100% doing the right thing 🌸

Sending best wishes to you and the kids

He isn’t a nice person OP— you clearly work really hard even with young children , so someone having the cheek to have a go if you ‘dont Earn enough ‘ really is an arse!!

@Crikeyalmighty haha yeah. Literally through the first part of covid was working 7 days a week..12 hours a day. And I was getting shit from him for working too much. I was like um it's an emergency. So even when I do bring in money he's complaining about something 🙃

Op, he sounds exhausting, he was lucky you were so patient with him.

Hope that from now on you develop a radar to detect and run away from shitty bastards.

One more thing, keep writing if you need to offload.

Life is going to feel so much lighter without carrying that scum around.

Let us know how things go.

So we've finally decided to split. Everything seems fairly civil at the minute and we will discuss properly tonight when he gets home from work.

I'm so upset and can't stop second guessing myself. I know deep down it's probably for the best but I'm so scared for the effect it'll have on my kids and just having a lot of conflicting feelings just now.

I guess I need a hand hold and to just know that it'll be okay. And that I've not made a mistake.

I'm just sad for what this relationship should have been I think rather than what it actually was.

Can't stop crying and I'm an ugly crier 😂

X

How you feel is pretty normal when a relationship especially with DC ends. It does seem like the right decision and he has certainly been abusive throughout hasn't he?

The future will be brighter and lighter

Of course you are second guessing yourself but this is not what you want for your future or your children.

He is a highly abusive man and life will get better with out his awful behaviour in it.

Reach out for support from family and friends.

Keep posting.
We are here for you.

It will have an affect on the kids

A positive one

Always better to have 2 happy parents than an unhappy house hold

Good luck 💐

He is not a good dad if he is treating you in this godawful way! They are learning some dreadful ways to behave. You have made up your mind and you have been given a lot of validation by everyone on here so do it! Don't waste another day being unhappy! Your children would rather have two happy separate parents than a couple who are hurting or being hurt by each other.

I'm coming out the other end of a similar situation. I've honestly never felt better. I've got more energy, I'm loosing weight, I feel free!
It was scary at the time to end it, but I knew it was for the best.
I hope everything works out as well for you

It’s ok to cry; you are grieving for the life you thought you were going to have.
I left when my youngest was eighteen months old, a long time ago. I still see him at regular family events and I’m still glad I left him. He’s still spineless, hiding behind platitudes and never stepping up to the plate. I felt alone when I was with him and no I’ve never regretted leaving. My now adult children have thanked me for sparing them living with him.

It's OK to be upset. It's a big decision and of course it's going to be emotional. But you're doing the right thing. He sounds awful. Selfish, greedy, lazy, mysognist, abusive, unsupportive when you needed him.

Your life will be so much easier, calmer and happier when you don't have to live with him.

And you DC will be fine. They will see their mum flourish, they will see that you shouldn't put up with a bad relationship, that you should have boundaries and not put up with someone treating you badly. They will live with you in a calm and happy home.

All the best - you won't regret it.