Is it going to end in tears?

[ItsGoingToEndInTears]

NC. I'll try keep this brief and not drip feed.

Met X online in January - we're both 50. We had 3 Zoom dates and before we'd met in person he told me that he didn't see a romantic future but was interested in friendship if I was. All good for me, we were in lockdown anyway, I was happy to chat and that was that.

When we were allowed to, we started to meet for walks and we continued to communicate by email/whatsapp. All of his communications were very 'warm' and after we'd met twice in person I felt like he was sending mixed messages so reminded him of what he'd said originally and asked him what he actually wanted. He apologised for causing confusion, reiterated his position and said he would really like us to be friends but that was my decision to make. I liked him and enjoyed his company so told him that I was fine with this, no harm done and we carried on. I've always had close male friends so I was happy with this. For the next 4 months we met up regularly (every weekend) for walks and coffees, never more than a hug, lots of open communication and talking about everything and anything. I carried on with online dating and he was dealing with an ex who had resurfaced wanting to give it another go.

Then in June I had a health scare and he stepped up in a way I didn't anticipate or expect. He was concerned, ringing me daily to check on me, diarising my hospital appointments so that he could check on how they went and generally kind and thoughtful about being a listening ear. Then he went to Europe for the summer (home country) and was away for 2 months. I thought that him being away for so long so early on would mean that the friendship would fizzle but instead it strengthened, he rang several times a week, FaceTimed me to introduce me to family and friends and was generally attentive and available. Our friendship grew from strength to strength and we confided in each other about stuff that was going on. He shared his past relationship/commitment issues and told me that he was in therapy to deal with it. We both shared how much we were looking forward to catching up when he was back.

He got back this week and we met up the other night. It was amazing/awful. I felt like there was a huge amount of sexual tension and I'm so disappointed. Several times in the evening he did that thing where he held eye contact for longer than necessary and at one point he held it for so long I had to look away and felt really uncomfortable. But it surfaced strong feelings that I don't want and I now can't get him out of my head and don't know what to do. I want to have him as a friend - I don't want to being his next casualty (he has a string of failed relationships behind him). What doesn't help is that he's also very attractive. For the first time since we met I felt awkward in his company and I don't know what to do about it. I know he doesn't want more than friendship, and I also know that he really values our friendship and wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardise it. I'm tempted to talk to him about the other night - we communicate very well and to-date no topic has been off limits - but I'm worried about making things awkward if I imagined the 'frisson' and he didn't feel it. Help! What would you do? We're meeting up again on Sunday.

Well you're in control of your feelings; you want to go back to how it was so ...

Tbh though, how it was sounds a bit OTT.
You would have to naturally pull back when you got into a relationship or the new partners would be .

@SleepingBunnies21

That he struggles to get past the honeymooon phase and settle into domesticity.

OK, having read this, I wouldn't even let him try to change the dynamic if he wants to .. he sounds like a poor bet for a relationship of any type. Other than fwb perhaps. Even then.so many women catch feelings in Fwb situations.

Absolutely right! This is the exact reason I don't want to take it further with him and there's absolutely no chance of a FWB situation. I have feelings for him now but I'm still in control of them. Getting into a FWB situation would be disastrous as I know I'd fall heavily - and it would ruin any chance of ongoing friendship.

And there's no chance of sleeping with him. Hook ups aren't his style or mine.

Mmmm.

You’re basically a couple, without the sex.

Right, so you already have experience of being platonic friends with men, so draw on that knowledge. How often did you see/ communicate with them? I bet there is far more frequent communication with this one. If he's staring into your eyes when you spend an evening with him, just see him daytime's in public. I think you should cut meets down to once every couple of weeks or so, never go to his place or him to yours. As far as texts go, maybe a weekly catch up, but certainly not daily and no need for facetimes. He wants friends only, well give him that in a realistic way, the way it is between friends.
If he comments on the drop in contact, just say you are busy seeing other people - then actually get busy seeing other people, doing other things, it should put him to the back of your mind. But if you still find yourself mooning over him, you are going to have to do a full retreat.

@HairyFanjoBanjo

You’re basically a couple, without the sex.

Yep. Sigh.

@Opentooffers

Right, so you already have experience of being platonic friends with men, so draw on that knowledge. How often did you see/ communicate with them? I bet there is far more frequent communication with this one. If he's staring into your eyes when you spend an evening with him, just see him daytime's in public. I think you should cut meets down to once every couple of weeks or so, never go to his place or him to yours. As far as texts go, maybe a weekly catch up, but certainly not daily and no need for facetimes. He wants friends only, well give him that in a realistic way, the way it is between friends. If he comments on the drop in contact, just say you are busy seeing other people - then actually get busy seeing other people, doing other things, it should put him to the back of your mind. But if you still find yourself mooning over him, you are going to have to do a full retreat.

Thank you. This is exactly the tone and talking to I needed

Could he be keeping you in reserve?
Sorry if that sounds harsh.
He may just be a really nice guy. But the amount of communication between you is odd from a meeting on a dating site if you're not actually dating 🤔
In your shoes I would concentrate on what you do want and need. The reason you joined the dating site was to........
Good luck 💐

To add, the amount of communication reflects that you’re more like a couple or dating, I have a fair few close friends and we don’t communicate that regularly.

You’re like a surrogate girlfriend.

i think he is grooming you to sleep with him and then he will disappear.

@HairyFanjoBanjo

To add, the amount of communication reflects that you’re more like a couple or dating, I have a fair few close friends and we don’t communicate that regularly.

You’re like a surrogate girlfriend.

I think this is correct.

@bluebell34567

i think he is grooming you to sleep with him and then he will disappear.

I don't believe this is the case. He's demonstrated highly principled behaviour in other areas so I don't think it's his style.

The problem here is the sheer amount of regular / daily communication. It’s blurred the lines of a friendship. Being in your home regularly etc.

I think you need to be prepared that going ‘back’ to a more casual friendship might not be possible now you’ve developed romantic feelings. If you know you’d feel uncomfortable or sad as/when he meets someone else, that’s not friendship is it. Friends are happy for their friends to meet someone (assuming it’s a positive relationship).

@HairyFanjoBanjo

The problem here is the sheer amount of regular / daily communication. It’s blurred the lines of a friendship. Being in your home regularly etc.

I think you need to be prepared that going ‘back’ to a more casual friendship might not be possible now you’ve developed romantic feelings. If you know you’d feel uncomfortable or sad as/when he meets someone else, that’s not friendship is it. Friends are happy for their friends to meet someone (assuming it’s a positive relationship).

Yes I think you're right. I think I may be on the brink of going past the point of no return.

Did you continue on the OLD sites when you knew it was only friendship or did you leave them?

Just wondering if putting all your energy into this rather than on your own journey has contributed?

He likes the intensity of the friendship but can't cope with actual sexual relationships. I sympathise actually as I am a bit like this myself, but if you want a proper dating relationship it is not going to work for you.

@AnImposter

Did you continue on the OLD sites when you knew it was only friendship or did you leave them?

Just wondering if putting all your energy into this rather than on your own journey has contributed?

No I haven't put all my energy into it and have continued meeting other people. In fact I've told him about some of my dates. We're on the same site so he can see that I've been active online. He has been too but less than me as he's been away/busy with family.

@JoanOgden

He likes the intensity of the friendship but can't cope with actual sexual relationships. I sympathise actually as I am a bit like this myself, but if you want a proper dating relationship it is not going to work for you.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. And actually I'm a bit like that too. The point is that I've enjoyed the intensity of our friendship but I don't want these romantic feelings for him.

This sounds exactly like an intense relationship/friendship I had with a man for about 5 years. Intense, close, very attentive, occasional kisses and endless flirting but never quite making it to commitment. There was always a reason (new job, moving house, finishing degree etc).
It all became clear when he suddenly got engaged to another lady who was very similar to me in appearance but posh and horsey.
Basically he came from a well to do family with aristo connections and private education. I'm not nearly so posh and state educated etc...
He probably did fancy me and we did get on really well. But I was just never going to fully fit the bill for a romantic partner class-wise.
So, to cut a long story short. Beware for suddenly being completely friend-zoned the minute someone who better fits his personal bill comes along!

I'm sorry this happened to you, that's shitty!

I was friend zoned from the off, but you're right - I will get 'back-seated' when someone more suitable comes along.

I think he's messing with you. I think he is emotionally unavailable.

He's probably more attractive to you because he said from the beginning that he wasn't interested so it became like a challenge to make him be interested in you. I think that all year you have probably just been paying lip service at finding someone else and your thoughts have been about him.

For whatever reason he is unavailable and continuing this 'friendship' is stopping you finding someone to have a proper relationship with.

The speed at which he accelerated your friendship strikes me as a platonic version of love-bombing. You've described him as caring and attentive, but that level of interest in an essentially brand new acquaintance, with no shared history, seems off somehow.

I agree with a PP, I think he is game playing. As humans we are usually incredibly well attuned to interpret sexual signalling and the "locking eyes" thing is such a bloody cliche that I cannot believe you misinterpreted anything, or that was unaware of what he was doing.

Maybe I'm cynical, but I would tread carefully and probably withdraw.

@Sakurami

I think he's messing with you. I think he is emotionally unavailable.

He's probably more attractive to you because he said from the beginning that he wasn't interested so it became like a challenge to make him be interested in you. I think that all year you have probably just been paying lip service at finding someone else and your thoughts have been about him.

For whatever reason he is unavailable and continuing this 'friendship' is stopping you finding someone to have a proper relationship with.

On the contrary - he's very emotionally available. It's physically that he's not available. He's very protective of his time and space and has never lived with a partner.

When we first met I was interested in a relationship with him. He friend zoned me. As I got to know more about him and his relationship history, I genuinely believe that I'd dodged a bullet as I saw him as a recipe for future heartache in a relationship. I was happy to proceed as friends. But the intensity of the friendship (which suits him as he has issues with physical commitment) means that those feelings have now brewed to the point that they all surfaced at once when we met face to face for the first time in 2 months.

I've already arranged to meet him tomorrow and I don't want to alert him to how I'm feeling by dramatically exiting, but after tomorrow I'm going to scale back the contact.

@cheeseismydownfall

The speed at which he accelerated your friendship strikes me as a platonic version of love-bombing. You've described him as caring and attentive, but that level of interest in an essentially brand new acquaintance, with no shared history, seems off somehow.

I agree with a PP, I think he is game playing. As humans we are usually incredibly well attuned to interpret sexual signalling and the "locking eyes" thing is such a bloody cliche that I cannot believe you misinterpreted anything, or that was unaware of what he was doing.

Maybe I'm cynical, but I would tread carefully and probably withdraw.

Yes I think you're right. He has 'friendship bombed' me.

I genuinely don't think he's game playing. I'm a natural cynic and I've observed how he responds to/deals with other situations and I don't think he would be intentionally devious.

The locking eyes thing was weird. It was less flirtatious and more like he was looking for something. Like he was searching to see if there was something. It was very unnerving.

I don't think that appearing to be open and talking about "everything and anything" is the same thing as being emotionally available. At all.

I've known several people over my life who like to appear as incredibly open and candid, it is almost like they make it their personal brand. And superficially they can appear caring when the intensity of the friendship happens to suit them. But actually it is a very complex act, and other people are really just mirrors to reflect their own love of taking about themselves.

Of course might be completely wrong about this guy, but to me, "emotionally availability" is a quiet, gentle quality that grows slowly over a long time between two close friends or partners.