pregnancy and infidelity

[stephLR]

this is a doozy....
me and my partner have been together 4 years and have a 2 year old and i am currently pregnant with my second, our relationship got very rocky and my partner decided he didn't want to be with me due to a few reasons but i was willing to make it work and try my best to fix these things whereas he wasn't so sure. so he called a break (whilst we were still living together) and he slept with someone who knew our situation, he then told me he wanted to be with me and work things out while i was still unaware of this.
fast forward a few weeks and i got a message from her confessing to the infidelity and that she is now pregnant. yes i ripped my partner to shreds but i also understand why he did what he did and i have come to terms with it, now we just don't know how to deal with the pregnancy. she has been quite bitter and tried to hurt us but that's not really bothering me or him and she won't get rid of the baby even though she said she will do it on her own i'm sure something will come back to bite him.
my question is, has anyone had this and has made it work and in a sense "co-parented" with the other woman and child? me and my partner are staying together but as much as i hate it i think it could be easier for the children and for us if we sort it out and try to create a happy environment for everyone? or am i crazy thinking this will work?

I’d be telling him to sling his hook. Not because of perceived infidelity (if you were “on a break”, I’m not sure that’s what it is) but because as a result of all of this your life is just going to be immeasurably harder. Your relationship was already rocky with “breaks” being called; thinking it’s going to become less rocky with another woman and child thrown into the mix is ludicrous.

Are you mad? This man is bad news. He is the problem here, not the OW. He has shown you who he is, believe him.

You seem to be the only one working for this relationship.

He hasn't been honest with you about sleeping with someone else (even if you were on a 'break'). There's a difference between someone taking a bit of time and space to get their head around a tricky situation and someone 'taking a break' to have sex with the first person who comes along - whilst still living in the same house as the main partner. I get the feeling this man falls into the second category.

Of course there will be come back - at very minimum he will have to pay maintenance and he should be seeking a relationship with his child as well if he's a decent man.

Easiest for the children is to have 2 happy parents. That doesn't mean to say they have to live together or be in a relationship with each other. If you honestly think he's learnt from this very sad situation then fair enough, give it a go. But last chance saloon - one step out of line and he's out faster than he can zip it back up. If you stay together you will have a relationship with the child - can you stomach that ? If he doesn't want a relationship with the child - he's not worth it so he's out anyway.

From my point of view you are the one doing all the work and doing all the compromising here and that's not how I would want to live my life.

I don't understand why posters make up their mind for the OP rather than actually answer the question....

OP, It's not something I've done, although I Co parent with an ex and that's tricky enough.
How different in ages will there be? Will you be happy telling your child about the half sibling and timings etc.
Onky you can decide what is best for you and your child, but make sure you and the dad communicate fully, if you have any chance of making it

Good luck working on your relationship by yourself. Why are you so ‘understanding’? There’s no WE in your dilemma, you didn’t impregnate her?

Wow, hasn’t he heard of condoms? Of course he has. He, just didn’t care.

It doesn’t take a crystal ball to see that there is no happy ever after with this idiot, just more consequences of his shitty behaviour.

He "called a break" on your relationship while still living with you and your child together (an while you were pregnant with your second child together), had sex with another woman, without condoms, still while loving with you, didn't tell you he'd had sex (probably several times, which is more likeky to result in pregnancy than once) with another woman .... he then decided you weren't on a break any more and were back together; and the only reading you found out he'd been having sex witybanother woman was her telling you, abdcslso telling you she's pregnant now too.

Is that correct??!!

You sound completely and utterly under his thumb/boot.

He sounds like a cheater and disaster area.

I don't think this is going to go well for you; he's shit relationship and partner material.
He has no respect for you abd your relationship and family.

Threw you over when youve got a child together, and pregnant wort a other, fuckrd at least one other woman, impregnated her cause he's too stupid and irresponsible to use condoms, lied by omission about it til she told you.

Seriously, you need some counselling to fjnd your self esteem and good sense.

And I seriously doubt there was no build up.or background to his involvement with the other woman he's now impregnated, before he just suddenly declared you two were on a break, refused to address the issues (while you as usual by the sounds of it you bent over backwards trying to fix the issues, which I bet arebt even your fault) and has sex with her, probably more than once, while living with you and keeping it from you.

I seriously doubt she just started having sex with him at the drop of a hat when he decided you two when on a break. He's doubtless a cheater.

Even how upset and angry and bitter she is .... not impossible to be the case if she had a short, sudden, casual sexual relationship with him; but very unlikely. She's probably like that because he schmooze her and built up a relationship with her abd told her you two were over and he was leaving you etc etc.

You’re not going to coparent with her if she hates you. And you’re not having a baby with her, he is, so you don’t get a say in her “getting rid of it”. She’s allowed to keep her baby, as you are.

He probably told her he was single and forgot to mention you, that you were living together, and your child. No wonder she’s bitter and angry.

He’ll have to pay child support and he may want a relationship with the child which will involve spending time with her, if she agrees, for a long time before the baby is old enough to be away from her. Is he willing to go to court if she refuses contact? Are you happy with him leaving you and your new baby to spend time with her and hers?

It sounds like you’re fighting to save things on your own but that’s your lookout.

She and her baby are now part of your lives for the foreseeable future. You can either know that and tolerate it from a distance or you can have it shoved in your face on a daily basis while struggling to trust him and knowing your family finances are compromised by his unwillingness to use a condom.

He's forced you to share him, without your knowledge or permission; and now hes forcing your children to share him with a child with another woman.

This is not good partner material, and i doubt thus behaviour is a total one off (or is gling to be one).

I notice how he told you you two were on a break, continued living in the family home for his convenience, and started (if he wasn't already) having sex with at least one other woman; but somehow didn't tell you that he was, or make ot clear you were on a break where you were both free to have sex wity other people!
Funnily enough, only he got that privilege.

You probably think you've "win" because he didn't leave ger for you; think about the "prize' you've won though.

He's flaky, uncommitted, changeable, irresponsible (no condoms risking stds for you, and a pregnancy ; which has happened) unreliable, dishonest and the break is kinda bullshot to make what he's done technically not infidelity, but it's essentially infidelity.

He probably told her he was single and forgot to mention you, that you were living together, and your child. No wonder she’s bitter and angry.

Op said this ow knew aboit their situation (which sounded to me like more blaming of her for the infidelity, instead of her partner) however I'd put a good sum of money on what she knew about their situation being heavily influenced by ops partner's bullshit.
Mo doubt he said they were broken up, he didn't want to work on it, and just hadnt finalised separate living arrangements yet etc etc.

she won't get rid of the baby even though she said she will do it on her own i'm sure something will come back to bite him.

Do you mean she was asked by him, you or both of you to have an abortion?

Lovely.

He's not very good at owning his behaviour & it's consequences, and you're like some kind of "my maaan" handmaiden/supporter.

Be careful.of having such loyalty to someone who appeared to have very little loyalty to you and your family not so long ago.

ok so i don't think anyone who has commented on my post has dealt with infidelity and overcome it? or anything similar to this so i'm not sure why everyone is so quick to judge him when i never asked for an opinion on him, i'm really just trying to figure out if we should make peace with the other woman or keep fighting till someone wins which won't e good for any children involved

I have seen happy co-parenting, but I'm afraid never from the sitation that you've described.

Their child (and it will be his child, as much as your children are) will be a constant reminder that when you were supposed to be 'on a break' he slept with someone else.

As pp said, if he is a decent man he will want to have a good relationship with his child and see plenty of them. If he doesn't want to do that then he isn't worth knowing.

He will may maintenance, which will affect your family money and what you can give to your DC.

He sounds fickle, selfish and childish.

If you can put up with all of the above, then you could well make it work. But the odds will be stacked against you.

And please don't blame the OW for what happened, or feel put out that she doesn't want to abort her child. Even if she knew your situation (can you be sure of that?) she isn't the one who betrayed you / was unfaithful to you. And their child will be an innocent victim of the situation. If you decide you can cope with co-parenting then you must never hold it against his child.

The kids shouldn’t suffer. Find a way to be at peace with her.

What does fighting till someone wins look like to you?

@stephLR this situation happened to my friend - 4 months between the babies with hers being born first. The OW (is that the correct term?) was a nightmare. Friends parents bought the "expensive pram" on the market at the time, OW expected the same from her DP. Their relationship broke down when the baby was 10 months old because of the OW and her demands.

If she is a nightmare now, its unlikely she will change. Could you like like this for the next 18 years?

I'm really just trying to figure out if we should make peace with the other woman or keep fighting till someone wins which won't e good for any children involved

Of course you should try to make peace rather than 'keep fighting till someone wins' - what do you mean by wins? It's quite unusual and sort of aggressive language.

Do you mean convincing her to terminate? It's hard to know quite what's going on from your posts as understandably you are emotional and angry about what's happened.

But your partner is the one who has caused this. And IMO it's up to him for the most part to build bridges and be an effective parent to all the children he has fathered. Does he not want to be involved with the child?

so i'm not sure why everyone is so quick to judge him when i never asked for an opinion on him

That's completely ridiculous; he's created this entire situation.

You can't expect people to comment on this situation (and what's wise for your future) without mentioning his behaviour & character.

This is emotional high stakes situation and in order to thrive in it, all parties need to have immense levels of emotional maturity and an ability to put the needs of the joint children first.

Does this sound like you partner?

or keep fighting till someone wins

What does that mean?!

You've really got her set up as the enemy eh.

You're missing the real enemy though.

My ex husband cheated while I was pregnant with our second baby. I don't know the full extent and never will as i wasn't there but he said it was a kiss on a drunk night out and I decided to take his word for it and we moved on.

He didn't (as far as I know) sleep with anyone and he certainty didn't get someone else pregnant but if he had, there is no way I would have even considered trying to save our marriage.

Anyway, we had 10 more happy years together until he had a full blown affair and we are now divorcing.

If he can sleep with someone else when you were still living in the same house and you are pregnant and have another child together, he will do it again. You are your dc will also be sharing his attention, affection and money with his other child and his/her mum for at least the next 18 years too.

This is from someone who has 'dealt with infidelity and overcome it'.

When did he decide the break was over avd when did you find out he'd been sleeping with this woman and she's pregnant?

I have to wonder if you're experiencing post infidelity discovery "hysterical bonding" with him.

It's so "we, we, we ..common enemy, us against her", feels like you haven't processed what he's done to you and your family. You just want to pretend he didn't do it and for her and their child to conveniently go away.

How long was this break he dictated incidentally?

even if i was to leave him how will that be good for my unborn child? i don't want to have a broken family as that's what i came from and i feel in my heart that leaving isn't the right option. i know if things don't get better or if he breaks my trust again i will be straight out of there right after slicing his d* off but at the moment i'm not ready to give up when i know that we usually have an absolutely amazing relationship.
we are seeing a councillor to help with moving forward but obviously this is holding us back.
in terms of timing, we were split up for about 2 months and i still don't know if we are back together despite him saying he wants to make it work i just am still unsure obviously, the "cheating" happened a few weeks ago so it's not as if he as kept it a secret for long.
i am definitely it defending his actions, he has taken responsibility for that and there is still a lot of work to do to on his end to earn my trust again

i'm really just trying to figure out if we should make peace with the other woman or keep fighting till someone wins which won't e good for any children involved

OP what does this mean? What does winning look like in this case?

Do you mean convincing her to have a termination would be 'winning'?

Genuinely asking as I don't understand what you mean.