pregnancy and infidelity

[stephLR]

this is a doozy....
me and my partner have been together 4 years and have a 2 year old and i am currently pregnant with my second, our relationship got very rocky and my partner decided he didn't want to be with me due to a few reasons but i was willing to make it work and try my best to fix these things whereas he wasn't so sure. so he called a break (whilst we were still living together) and he slept with someone who knew our situation, he then told me he wanted to be with me and work things out while i was still unaware of this.
fast forward a few weeks and i got a message from her confessing to the infidelity and that she is now pregnant. yes i ripped my partner to shreds but i also understand why he did what he did and i have come to terms with it, now we just don't know how to deal with the pregnancy. she has been quite bitter and tried to hurt us but that's not really bothering me or him and she won't get rid of the baby even though she said she will do it on her own i'm sure something will come back to bite him.
my question is, has anyone had this and has made it work and in a sense "co-parented" with the other woman and child? me and my partner are staying together but as much as i hate it i think it could be easier for the children and for us if we sort it out and try to create a happy environment for everyone? or am i crazy thinking this will work?

Your family is already "broken" though, or very fragmented...your unborn and existing child will have a half sibling who was conceived while you were pregnant. That's going to take a bit of explaining at some point.

I'd rather my children have two parents who love them and two homes than two parents who are together with no trust or respect and a mum with very low self worth. There is nothing broken about our home.

You said

our relationship got very rocky and my partner decided he didn't want to be with me due to a few reasons but i was willing to make it work and try my best to fix these things whereas he wasn't so sure

Now you say

i'm not ready to give up when i know that we usually have an absolutely amazing relationship.

It doesn't sound like it's been an 'absolutely amazing relationship' particularly if he's slept with someone as soon as you went on a break, that he instigated and you didn't want.

It's all really confusing.

A few weeks ago? So how pregnant is she?

How do you usually have an “absolutely amazing relationship” when things have been rocky for at least half your relatively short relationship and just a few months ago he told you he didn’t want to be with you and had sex with somebody else? Are your standards really that low for what “amazing” looks like?

This isn’t a “getting over infidelity” issue as much as it is a “dealing with the consequences of my boyfriend’s poor choices which will affect me for the next two decades” issue. At least 15% of his income (as a minimum, and if that’s all he gives he’s frankly a shit father to his other child) will now be leaving your household to support his new baby. It doesn’t sound as if his other girlfriend is going to play along with the happy modern family idea you have in mind, so you’ll be dealing with trying to accommodate him seeing his other child, which is likely to be at times you’d like him to be with you and your children. And on top of that, what happens the next time the two of you have a “rocky” patch and he tells you you’re “on a break” and you have to worry about whether he’s gone straight back to her for Round 2?

I can see anything amazing about spending years more of your life like this. Why would you settle for it?

I'd rather my children have two parents who love them and two homes than two parents who are together with no trust or respect and a mum with very low self worth. There is nothing broken about our home.

Absolutely this. The phrase 'broken home' is so damaging and serves only to guilt women into staying in unhealthy relationships and as a bonus, it also makes the children of separated parents feel shit shout it too.

There is no shame in coming from a two parent home and you thinking that there is, is blinding you into staying in a relationship that you'd be better off leaving

we were split up for about 2 months and i still don't know if we are back together despite him saying he wants to make it work i just am still unsure obviously, the "cheating" happened a few weeks ago so it's not as if he as kept it a secret for long.

So she and then you have only just found out about the pregnancy?

Two month break - even if those two months happened to cover both her fertile times (4/5 each roughly) he managed to get her pregnant from sex during two 4 day periods, while living with you and presumably not being away overnight or out for long periods (because he lied by by omission about having sex with her)? Wity a roughly 25% risk of pregnancy each time if they were both 20 somethings, probably less.

Not impossible but unlikely.

Youve saud don't comment on him but many of us are having problems commenting when we feel.like his behaviour hasn't really been addressed and the full extent probably not even known about.

This very early says finding out all this, and being told by him he wanted a break and didn't want to work on the issues in the relationship while you're pregnant with his second child. Thst was shitty and cruel abd destabilising enough without this bomb, as it were.

I hope you have family abd friend support to try to process this. You don't have to make any decisions now.

You and this woman have now become instant enemy camps, bit shes the only one (cause I wouldn't trust his honesty).who could tell you the real circumstances; when and how they got involved, how long it's been going on etc.

It seems unlikely you've got the full story, and surely that should matter in your decisions going forward.

I am currently in the process of trying to work through infidelity and sounds like there's similarities, our DD was 6m when he cheated and left, she's now almost 10m and it's been the hardest months but we're now at a point of actually things improving. There's no pregnancy here though and I've got no idea how I'd deal with that if I'm honest, I'm struggling with even dealing with what's he's done. I think you need time, Time for it to really settle in. No decisions need to be made just yet, and even when they are they can always change. You will have no parental responsibility or right to this child, so at any point in the future if you do desperate you'll loose contact most likely.. how do you feel about that?
Also your partner will now have to be in constant contact with the OW for at least 18 years, and while the baby is too small for him to look after away from the OW he will be spending that time with her and the baby alone, which although to him maybe a nightmare for you at home with your newborn how are you going to feel every time he leaves to go spend time with his other family? Which essentially is how it will be at least for the first however many months.
Look ahead to school, your babies could attend school together? He would be going to both sets of parents evenings/school plays etc...

I think you're so selfless by thinking of your children but I think you do need time lovely to actually process what is happening, and to make sure you think of yourself too.

Also, if it only happened a few weeks ago are you sure she's even pregnant? She wouldn't of been able to have a scan yet, and if she has I would defo advise on a DNA test when baby arrives.
Hope everything works out best for you and your little ones xx

On the general subject, if the pregnancy continues (its very early days by the sound of it) it is still worth considering a paternity test; unless you want to trust her word entirely that she is had sex with your partner during that period of time. If your partner is indeed the father, he will gave to pay the 4/500 for the testing.

Someone said 15% child maintenance, I thought it started at 12% and perhaps less if other children are dependant, though im not sure.

All.this does not change you being with a flaky, disloyal, dishonest man though obviously.

If you don't really know whether you're going to get back together or not, I'd first decide what you want personally.

I haven't been in your position but I'd like to think that I'd try to make peace with her myself as, whether you like it or not, her child will be your children's half siblings.

It'd be nice to think that they could have a relationship regardless of what happens between the adults.

Were you friends with the woman previously? Do you think you could be amicable?

If you and your partner do reconcile, it would be much easier for you and her to get on, and if you don't it'd be easy for you to facilitate a relationship.

Someone said 15% child maintenance, I thought it started at 12% and perhaps less if other children are dependant, though im not sure.

And this is just one example of how this situation pits two women, neither of whom asked to be in this entirely crap situation, against each other, and ignores who the real “enemy” is. A man who is happy to pay only the bare minimum required by law towards one of his children is a shit father and a poor excuse for a man. But of course, if the OP is choosing to stay with this prize specimen, it’s to her benefit to side with him on shafting one of his children and another ultimately blameless woman, because insisting he behave properly, step up and support his other child adequately, means she and her children losing out.

I wish you luck, OP, I really do. But I wish you thought better of yourself and felt you deserved more than this rubbish.

Op how are you going to cope when ow baby is little and he has to go visit her and the baby

My point about CM is valid whether she stays with him or not (which I wouldn't recommend she does). i don't think the third child will get as much as 15% off him (and yes, CM is a joke).

@stephLR

even if i was to leave him how will that be good for my unborn child? i don't want to have a broken family as that's what i came from and i feel in my heart that leaving isn't the right option. i know if things don't get better or if he breaks my trust again i will be straight out of there right after slicing his d* off but at the moment i'm not ready to give up when i know that we usually have an absolutely amazing relationship. we are seeing a councillor to help with moving forward but obviously this is holding us back. in terms of timing, we were split up for about 2 months and i still don't know if we are back together despite him saying he wants to make it work i just am still unsure obviously, the "cheating" happened a few weeks ago so it's not as if he as kept it a secret for long. i am definitely it defending his actions, he has taken responsibility for that and there is still a lot of work to do to on his end to earn my trust again

How can you say you usually have an amazing relationship when he dumped you while you were pregnant with his child? I don't understand your posts - you say the relationship was rocky and he decided he didn't want to be with you, but that you were willing to make it work. And then he had sex with someone else( so it wasn't really intended to be a temporary break, was it?) and now you are both pregnant. He doesn't want to be with you and is a lousy partner anyway, callous as fuck to announce that and call a break while you are actually carrying his second child. Don't waste your time thinking about how you can accommodate him and crazy OW ( crazy because she knew about you, your child and the unborn baby but still decided to go ahead with shagging DP. ) Was he still living with you while this was going on? Think about how to salvage your sanity and a home for your DC that doesn't depend on this waste of space guy. Their home is broken already, btw, and it wasn't you who did that.

OP it’s very admirable that you want to make things work for your unborn child but I really don’t see this ending well for anyone. I’m sorry that’s not what you want to hear. As others have said if she’s a nightmare now it will only get worse when the two babies arrive.

For this to work I think you would need to accept the other child in your life and I don’t get the sense you are ready to do that.

Your boyfriend broke the home, what a filthy man. The way to ‘win’ here is by dumping him, raise your standards and enjoy life. He will have to parent and fund all of his offspring. Win/win.

With respect op, I understand why you want this to work but currently you are the only one fighting for it. He’s not going to stick around when he finds someone else, he’s only come back to you currently because he’s fucked up with OW and needs you to sort it all out.
If you don’t leave him I would at least let him sort out the mess. His unborn child and OW is nothing actually to do with you.

Yeah ots funny how everything now is "We, we, we" but when he wanted a break and didn't want to work on any issues with his pregnant partner (and mother of his existing child), his tune was most definitely not "We".

He didn't even have the balls and honesty to say he was seeing someone/having sex with someone else.. I think he was very happy to keep op in the dark about that so he got no hassle and could make his choice entirely on his own. It sounds like he'd not have told op anything about it if ow hadn't contacted them and announced a pregnancy. Op.eould be back with him, none the wiser.

Not entirely convinced by the met, got involved and impregnated ow within the two month "break" either.

I know the idea of change is worrying and the thought of embarking on single parenthood is daunting, plus the shame and embarrassment you feel at having being put in this position, but the only way to escape this shitshow is to leave. This situation is not your fault and you can't smooth it over or brush it under the rug.

I've had friends in similar situations and trying to juggle the practicalities and emotions that go with a surprise half sibling never work out. Leave that side of it to your partner and make sure you put a CMS claim in, prioritise yourself and your baby and be prepared to be honest when your child is old enough for the penny to drop.

@stephLR your relationship was already “on the rocks” before the infidelity. You’re flogging a dead horse here. The relationship is over, no matter how hard you try to resurrect the horse.

I wouldn't try to get past infidelity. I didn't and I certainly wouldn't in your position.

Sounds untenable in the long term.

I wonder if part of you feels you have to make it work otherwise he might go to her. I wonder if that forms part of the winning? No judgement, I think that would be a pretty normal feeling in the circumstances.

@stephLR

even if i was to leave him how will that be good for my unborn child? i don't want to have a broken family as that's what i came from and i feel in my heart that leaving isn't the right option. i know if things don't get better or if he breaks my trust again i will be straight out of there right after slicing his d* off but at the moment i'm not ready to give up when i know that we usually have an absolutely amazing relationship. we are seeing a councillor to help with moving forward but obviously this is holding us back. in terms of timing, we were split up for about 2 months and i still don't know if we are back together despite him saying he wants to make it work i just am still unsure obviously, the "cheating" happened a few weeks ago so it's not as if he as kept it a secret for long. i am definitely it defending his actions, he has taken responsibility for that and there is still a lot of work to do to on his end to earn my trust again

a broken family is the least of your problems

Your family is an absolute joke. People will do the maths you know. They won’t think you a saint, they’ll think him a philander, you an absolute mug and think of your poor, poor children.

Tell this absolute loser to sling his hook. Is he a billionaire with a dick made of solid gold? You clearly have an absolutely shitty relationship so I don’t really know why he is worth making your and your children’s lives a million times harder.

I do not apologise if this sounds blunt.

This is ridiculous and you are clutching at straws

this situation pits two women, neither of whom asked to be in this entirely crap situation, against each other,

I disagree actually.

As functioning intelligent women we ALL know we can get pregnant in our fertile years.

It's up to us to use contraception and decide who to get involved with.

Check out who you're having sex with and what their background is, are they on a "break"? Let them deal with it before getting involved.

Yes, accidents happen, shit happens, but let's become empowered women - because we owe it to ourselves.