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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

pregnancy and infidelity

60 replies

stephLR · 24/09/2021 12:39

this is a doozy....
me and my partner have been together 4 years and have a 2 year old and i am currently pregnant with my second, our relationship got very rocky and my partner decided he didn't want to be with me due to a few reasons but i was willing to make it work and try my best to fix these things whereas he wasn't so sure. so he called a break (whilst we were still living together) and he slept with someone who knew our situation, he then told me he wanted to be with me and work things out while i was still unaware of this.
fast forward a few weeks and i got a message from her confessing to the infidelity and that she is now pregnant. yes i ripped my partner to shreds but i also understand why he did what he did and i have come to terms with it, now we just don't know how to deal with the pregnancy. she has been quite bitter and tried to hurt us but that's not really bothering me or him and she won't get rid of the baby even though she said she will do it on her own i'm sure something will come back to bite him.
my question is, has anyone had this and has made it work and in a sense "co-parented" with the other woman and child? me and my partner are staying together but as much as i hate it i think it could be easier for the children and for us if we sort it out and try to create a happy environment for everyone? or am i crazy thinking this will work?

OP posts:
SleepingBunnies21 · 25/09/2021 20:36

I think the opinions on this thread have not been what op what's to hear, she's in shock, distraught, in territorial mode and just wants to save her relationship/family (the latter in its current form), she's possibly also hysterically bonding to her partner in the wake of his (essentially) infidelity, so she's stopped engaging.

But I could help but say, just in case she looks on here again, that this has been rattling around in my head as threads do; and I think.its very likely that her partners demand for a break and refusal to try to resolve the issues he raised was a ruse, a pretext, an excuse.

Break up a partnership with a young child and baby on the way over "issues" you refuse to try to resolve, then a woman turns up pregnant with your child a couple of months later, supposedly from a small number of interactions a few weeks before during the break you engineered?

Nah.

I think it's likely he had already involved himself, to some extent, with the OW; and was contemplating leaving for her, the break was a half way house (and of course he didn't therefore want to try to resolve the isdues he blamed), he didn't have the balls to be honest about why he wanted the break (and possibly leave as a next step), then he didn't follow through on leaving as many many cheaters don't for many reasons. Leaving a very bitter, angry,/raging disappointed, cheated feeling (ironically).affair partner in their wake..An affair partner who's often been told the couple is not really ogether.

Also weird the ow would be having unprotected sex with a new partner so quickly, and not get emergency contraception if she thought something had failed ... more like an established "thing" and maybe risk taking pregnancy to try to expedite him leaving, as somr ow do.

I doubt the story op appears to believe us true. I hope she considers, whether she stays or separates ... he could pull.this shit again.

Patapouf · 25/09/2021 21:05

Ew you can't tell or expect her to 'get rid of the baby'. Disgusting.

It sounds like a pretty toxic situation and from your description of events it doesn't seem like he has any respect for you or your relationship.

RantyAunty · 25/09/2021 23:42

This isn't the only guy out there.
There's one out there with none of this drama and cheating.

user1481840227 · 26/09/2021 00:58

It already is a broken home.

This is definitely going to cause a lot of issues along the line and your kids will be in a very uncomfortable situation when other children do the maths on their siblings age.

You're saying the OW is quite bitter and trying to hurt you, why do you think that is?? I bet her version of events is more true than his is.

I also think it's awful that you used the term 'get rid of it'. This is a baby. Your partners baby. Would you like if that term was used to describe your own baby?

Also what do you mean by should we keep fighting until someone wins? What do you think your options are there?

I'd also like to echo what others have said and say that this isn't an amazing relationship at all. It couldn't have been for all that to happen.

KingdomScrolls · 26/09/2021 01:13

DH has a half sister five months younger than he is. He was born in a refuge, his biological father knows he exists but has never wanted anything to do with him, his half sister and half brother and their mother -the wife of his biological father don't know he exists. MIL didn't know he was in a relationship at the time. The whole situation is so messed up and has caused DH so much pain over the years, so no I haven't experienced it, but I've seen the fall out and it's not good.

PegasusReturns · 26/09/2021 09:14

There was a poster on here who did this. She made, as I recall, a phenomenal effort to put the child first and I think it was a success but she approached the situation with so much love and kindness. She sounded quite an amazing woman.

For most people I think this is an impossible ask. The starting point needs to be can you trust, respect and work with your partner? I’m going to suggest not. I don’t believe he’s been honest with you and without that you have nothing.

Opentooffers · 26/09/2021 10:00

Firstly, I'd find out how far along she is and if it tallys with the 'gap while still living together' you were having. You may well find that she was the reason he wanted a gap, but the grass wasn't greener, so back to you. If you still want to stay with him, you should insist on a full sti check before any further sexual activity with him, and get yourself checked too, as this could affect the health your unborn child ( see the extra risk he's put you at with this?).
If I was him, I'd be checking paternity ( he only had a 2 month window to make this baby if he is telling the truth, so you never know and she is obv of poor character herself knowing your situation and proceeding how she has).
After that, well you don't have to have any contact with her, he has to pay child support for the next 18 years minimum, but should also agree to be in the DC's life, so he needs to stay in contact with her. Wil you be able to trust for the next 18 years that his only communication will be about arrangements for his DC? It's a big ask of someone.

Nanananani · 26/09/2021 10:06

He has already broken your family

Your relationship isn’t amazing

What is it that you think you are fighting for?

spotcheck · 26/09/2021 10:17

OP
I think you are grasping straws here.

You are letting him off the hook due to perceived technicalities.
Even if he didn't technically cheat, he hasn't treated you with respect.

user1481840227 · 26/09/2021 15:27

Is part of you worried that if you end things that he'll end up with the other woman?

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