Tell me what to do to get through this?

[Restlessinthenorth]

Things have not been good in my relationship for some time. Ex DP was, in some respects, so hard to live with. Worked hard but EXTREMELY lazy in the house, financially contributed very little yet spent lots on himself, Disney dad to his daughter who was here every other weekend, and frankly is very spoiled and can do as she likes (and I could go on and on with the list). I had recently put my foot down and explained that things had to change. He just walked out on Friday and now it's done.

I thought I would feel relieved; for months I had been fantasising about being single. But now it's happened, I feel heartbroken and it's totally blindsided me. Everything I look at it is a reminder of him and I feel so bloody lonely.

I know that time is the healer here, but how do I get through these coming weeks? I am dreading this weekend. The house feels so still. It's laughable really; all I did with him at weekends was wash his sports kit, do the shopping and mind his daughter so he could play yet more sports, so why do I care so much? I don't feel like seeing friends and certainly can't be bothered talking about it all with people.

All and any advice gratefully received

What do you enjoy doing? Do that.

A walk, clothes shopping, reading, box set binge.

Drink hot chocolate and be kind to yourself. Even though your relationship was rubbish it will still take a while to get used to being on your own.

Has he still got stuff everywhere? If so, start packing it up and put it somewhere out of the way so he can collect it (at a time to suit you) but in the meantime, you relax in your space without having to trip over his crap all the time.

Thanks Hetty. He came for his clothes during the week. So now I have loads of spare shelves and wardrobe space, so I'm thinking this weekend I can sort all my stuff out. I had to store loads of it under the bed when he moved in three years ago. There is a lot of other bigger stuff of his here (golf bag, cricket kit, football kit) plus all sorts of other stuff. Apparently he's getting a van for that though he is non commital about when.

God I wish I didn't feel this way. My mind is doing a ridiculous thing of focusing on the nice trips we had (paid for by me) etc, rather than the day to day shitness that was living with him!

Allow yourself to feel sad about the things you miss. But also try to appraise the relationship realistically. Draw a line down a piece of paper - on one side write down everything that was good about it; on the other side write down all the bad parts.
As above, when it's all too much, distract yourself with pleasurable activities, make yourself see friends..
Put one foot in front of the other: remind yourself you've just got to get through the next hour. Don't think about the hour ahead.

Thanks @Grimsknee . It feel so weird to not having him here to tell about my day, and to not have the day punctuated by texts from him etc. I can't get my head around the fact that won't be happening again

It’s horrible at first but I promise it gets better. Think about rearranging and decorating your home as you want it. Eat things you like and feed yourself well. Plan trips to places you want to go. Do see friends who will remind you of the bad bits and stop focusing on the good memories.

I agree with lots of advice already said. Anytime I feel sad about the end of a previous relationship I just remind myself of all the reasons it had to end.

Thanks @sandgrown . Your suggestion to start to think about making some changes in the house is a good one. I might go treat myself to some new bits for my bedroom. The friends bit is trickier. I have lots but all shift workers with young families so seeing them takes planning. Friends have already been in touch and got stuff on the diary for coming months, so I have stuff to look forwards to

It's still very new OP and yes you will be feeling sad even though the relationship didn't meet your needs - you're mourning the relationship you hoped for as well as the good bits of what you actually had.

It sounds like you feel quite isolated from other people. Could you message some of your friends and ask about making a WhatsApp group so you can keep in touch throughout the day?

Definitely think about updating your decor a bit. Saving things to my amazon or wayfair wishlist has saved my sanity on many occasions!

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation I think you have hit the nail on the head...mourning what I hoped/thought it would be

I think I am feeling a bit annoyed at myself for feeling so emotional about it all; I hate feeling so weak and pathetic!

How about focusing on you. A trip to the hairdresser, facial, massage, get your nails done? Something to make you feel good and give you a boost. Exercise always makes me feel better. Could you go for a nice long walk or a run?

Give yourself a break!

You'd miss a headache if you'd had it for several years, it doesn't mean you would be better having it back!

It's normal to miss the texts, usual daily passing of the mundane.

But just know that you will be ok, this will pass & you will be happier without the selfish lazy git!

It's natural to miss 'the good bits' if there weren't any, you wouldn't have stayed together so long! It doesn't mean there were anywhere near enough 'good bits' & you deserve better!!!

Lots of good advice from PPs. Take a little time to grieve over the loving relationship that you wish you had, rather than the shit one that you really did have.
And learn from it - when you are in a future relationship, however wonderful it may be, don’t cut yourself off from friends, hobbies, and all the other things that enrich your life.
If you focus your entire energy and time on one person, of course you will be bereft and gutted if it doesn’t work out.
Meanwhile, take it a day a time. Do at least one nice thing for yourself each day - a favourite choc bar or cake, a walk somewhere beautiful, a glass of wine, curl up with a good book by the fire, meet a friend for coffee, whatever. Just start to offset the sadness with some cheerier bits, and gradually life will become happier, and your confidence and appetite for social things will grow.
After a disappointment, we all need a little time to lick our wounds and wallow in it, but eventually you’ll get sick of it and want to move forward! Look to your future, OP. Good luck.

Please be very careful of him deciding he has punished you enough and he is now ready to move back in with you walking on eggshells in case he does it again. He will need somebody to do the grunt work with his DC while he swans off on his hobbies and someone to do his washing. You will start to feel better and make new memories. Find a new routine for you and enjoy getting your weekends back.

Thank you all for some Sterling advice. The facts of the situation are that he was taking advantage of me in a huge way (though I don't think with malicious intent; I had just allowed it to happen). He's loved in my house for over 2 years and not actually contributed a penny. I'm not really sure why I am even upset!

Thinking about the long term in these circumstances always feels overwhelming. I'd stop myself from thinking 'I'm never going to X with him again'. In a period of change that feels overwhelming. I'd tell myself everything was a break. 'I'm not seeing him this weekend' 'I'm taking some time to reevaluate the relationship'. The finality of 'never' only brings longing, often falsely!

Redecorate your bedroom- make it totally yours ☺️

Get busy! Treat yourself, sort out your house, take up a new hobby, set some goals. Passing time and complete no contact are the only ways to get through this.

I'm probably going to get flamed for this but here goes: for me, the most 'effective' way to get over someone at least in the interim, was to get under the skin of another man (NSA/fb) arrangement, rather than a full on relationship. It sort of took the shine off/edge off the previous ex partner...it didn't necessarily get rid off all the intrusive thoughts/feelings. Also, it was a useful distraction until I no longer genuinely thought about them.

Thank you for all this advice. I'm just about to start the final stage only my masters degree (also work full time), so going to try and enjoy the process rather than simply squeezing it on around him etc

@Restlessinthenorth. I am almost a year in and loving the freedom. I love thinking that when finances and Covid allow there are places I would really like to visit that he didn’t fancy. It’s ironic that he used to moan I was untidy and our bedroom wasn’t sanctuary. I now have a beautiful tidy bedroom all decorated to my own taste and I love it. I also like being able to invite people over without considering what mood he would be in. I sometimes feel sad for the plans we had but in reality if I didn’t arrange things they would never happen. I also paid for most meals out, holidays and treats and it’s so much cheaper for one . Good luck x

Put all his sports stuff in a pile and give him a deadline to collect or it goes to the charity shop.

Have a big autumnal clear out.

Enjoy your study and space.

Sorry you're feeling down. If it were me, I'd split this weekend in half: get all his bulky shit and put it in the garden/by the front door (text him and tell him it needs to be gone and this is the plan, he needs to sort a van). Do this with wine and loud, empowering music on! Then, plan something that you enjoy doing, whether thats having friends round, a day out alone, cooking a lovely meal for yourself, an at-home spa, a day in the garden.

Get him out your life and your mind. He sounds like an absolute waster, Im sure you will look back in a year and think "what what I pining about". It's just the change and the stillness, but those can be good things

Yes, definitely tell him he has till x date to remove his stuff or it's being binned/sent to charity. Having it clutter up your house won't help you move on.

Decorate or get some bits that you like to change how it was when he was there. Do the things you couldn't do because you were looking after his child/washing his sports kit. Even if it's just a walk or a wander round town and a cake and drink.

Be free! Hooray!

Thank you all. This is much needed perspective

Well contrary to all plans, I've basically spent all day sobbing

Cup of tea and time to try pull myself together....