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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me what to do to get through this?

65 replies

Restlessinthenorth · 24/09/2021 05:56

Things have not been good in my relationship for some time. Ex DP was, in some respects, so hard to live with. Worked hard but EXTREMELY lazy in the house, financially contributed very little yet spent lots on himself, Disney dad to his daughter who was here every other weekend, and frankly is very spoiled and can do as she likes (and I could go on and on with the list). I had recently put my foot down and explained that things had to change. He just walked out on Friday and now it's done.

I thought I would feel relieved; for months I had been fantasising about being single. But now it's happened, I feel heartbroken and it's totally blindsided me. Everything I look at it is a reminder of him and I feel so bloody lonely.

I know that time is the healer here, but how do I get through these coming weeks? I am dreading this weekend. The house feels so still. It's laughable really; all I did with him at weekends was wash his sports kit, do the shopping and mind his daughter so he could play yet more sports, so why do I care so much? I don't feel like seeing friends and certainly can't be bothered talking about it all with people.

All and any advice gratefully received

OP posts:
pilates · 24/09/2021 16:59

Yes you deserve better

Original poster
Restlessinthenorth · 24/09/2021 17:24

Thank you. I just can't see how I move past how I feel, totally blindsided me

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/09/2021 17:33

It's just mourning what you had it hoped it would be, what it could have been (but he's too lazy and selfish). You probably hoped he would choose you and change rather than walk out.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 24/09/2021 17:37

I would arrange to see your friends even though you think you don’t feel like it. You also thought you wanted to be single. You will have a laugh and take your mind off things. I’m sure they will understand that you don’t want to talk about your ex. Book a spa day/bottomless brunch/Go Ape, whatever you enjoy, it’s going to be the last weekend of summer so go out and enjoy!!

Original poster
Restlessinthenorth · 24/09/2021 17:51

Thank you both. And you are right, I did hope he would chose me over the status quo. How wrong I was! Although today there has been a "I just need some space, maybe things will be different when my head is ok" message. But it won't. I could go back now, I would never trust him again

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 24/09/2021 17:55

He is realising that life is harder without your house to live in for free and you to rake care of his child. Please dont take him back. He is so selfish and horrible. Just respond telling him to get his stuff within a week.

JustThisLastLittleBit · 24/09/2021 17:58

I tend to go for a drive when I'm very sad, concentrating on driving breaks the circle of thoughts in your head

Sidehustle99 · 24/09/2021 18:37

You are going to be fine. It will take time to adjust but you've done the right thing. The minute you've asked him to actively contribute he's shown you who he is. You are so strong. Raising a glass to you tonight Daffodil

Original poster
Restlessinthenorth · 24/09/2021 19:14

Thank you for your kind words, @Sidehustle99 thats set me off again!

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 24/09/2021 19:16

@Restlessinthenorth

Well contrary to all plans, I've basically spent all day sobbing

Cup of tea and time to try pull myself together....

All you did at the weekend was wash his sports kit, do the shopping and mind his daughter. Your words. If "all I did at the weekend" was this shit for my husband I would hit the fucking roof, fucking hard and loud. And would only do it twice.

You have a master's to complete, you can go forward unencumbered.

You are so much more than a launderette babysitting service. Or you can be.

femfemlicious · 24/09/2021 19:32

Op honestly its ok to cry. Its ok to be sad. Take time out to feel your feelings. Cry all night if you have to. You will feel better in the morning. This weekend maybe try to go to the cinema with a friend?. Go out for a nice meal?. You will get through this. You did the right thing

Original poster
Restlessinthenorth · 24/09/2021 19:34

@frozendaisy thank you. Definitely needed to hear that

OP posts:
ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 25/09/2021 05:35

It's fine to feel shit. You're grieving for what could and should have been if he'd pulled his finger out.

Please be wary of him wheedling his way back in when you're feeling so sad and vulnerable.

Treat yourself with great care and love, as if you're recovering from an illness.

You'll come into the light again and bask in it. X

PerseverancePays · 25/09/2021 07:20

Can you write down all the ways he treated you as the maid service and refer to it when he announces he’s cleared his head and would like services to resume?
Sorry you’re feeling so sad, give yourself some time to grieve for the relationship you were hoping for, that was also never going to be with him.
Please don’t ever pay for another adult, it’s just plain wrong.

AtlasPine · 25/09/2021 07:37

I had a couple of sessions of counselling after a very painful breakup specifically to make sure I could deal with saying no when things didn’t work out for him and he wanted to come back. Which did happen a few months later, as I’d predicted. I didn’t take him back.

Might this be worth doing? It might also help you to move forward generally. I’ve done it a few times since then when I’ve reached a difficult time or had to make tough decisions and always found it so objective and useful. Targeted and focused with me setting the agenda for the aim of the sessions.

Original poster
Restlessinthenorth · 25/09/2021 07:44

I am a bloody mental health professional; I should be coping better than this. I had a panic attack in the night, something that has never happened in my life before. I need to pull myself together today

OP posts:
AtlasPine · 25/09/2021 07:55

It doesn’t matter what you are. Your pain is just as real as the surgeon who has appendicitis.

firsttimemumhere · 25/09/2021 08:03

I went and bought myself new bedding and bed sheets, quilt and pillows, changed it all, bought myself food that I liked and took it one day at a time. I'm 18 months out of a 10 year relationship and honestly it gets much easier to see the not so good bits as time goes on. But for now if you need to cry then do, but then have a bath or pamper and know your worth.

Original poster
Restlessinthenorth · 25/09/2021 14:49

Guess who is having a change of heart?...

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/09/2021 15:00

No surprise at all BUT he will expect you to shut up and put up and threaten with leaving again if you object to being his and DC launderette and childminder...

Left · 25/09/2021 15:07

So predictable! You deserve so much more Cake

ProperVexed · 25/09/2021 15:18

Stay strong! He's a cocklidger and you'll only go through this again in 6 months if he returns today.

Original poster
Restlessinthenorth · 25/09/2021 15:59

His pathetic attempts have really pissed me off! The tears have now well and truly gone. Feel so much stronger today. He has everything to lose. I do not

OP posts:
Teacupsandtoast · 25/09/2021 17:27

Stay strong OP - you don't need his lazy, inconsiderate cocklodging ways in your life

LostSocksBrigade · 25/09/2021 17:58

Do all of the lovely things everyone else has mentioned but also get the rest of his stuff out of your house! Ask him where you can take it or give him a date to collect it by, if he doesn't then get rid of it. Then you can block him and focus on you. You can't do that while the lines of communication are open, and having his stuff there is a reason not to. Please be kind to yourself, eat some chocolate for me too, I'm in a similiar situation!

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