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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you cook for your DP when you argue?

73 replies

eieieieieieieieieio · 23/09/2021 10:14

Just that. Just for context, my DP keeps to himself when we fight, stays upstairs all day and leaves me to get up every morning, sort the kids, cooking, housework and DC bedtimes.

Thanks.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 23/09/2021 10:15

Doesn't he have a job?

NameChangeNamaste · 23/09/2021 10:17

Having an argument doesn’t mean you get to stop functioning as a human adult.

Shoxfordian · 23/09/2021 10:17

He sounds like a catch Hmm

ThePotatoCroquette · 23/09/2021 10:18

So he gets to sulk upstairs and you get to do all the parenting and grunt work? That doesn't seem fair at all. He needs to adult even when you've argued

ThePotatoCroquette · 23/09/2021 10:19

I wouldn't be cooking for him though if he wants to opt out of family life he can get his own food

CyclingIsNotOuting · 23/09/2021 10:20

Is he their father? I only ask because I don’t understand why he would leave you to do everything for the children?

In answer to your question, yes I do still cook for him because I’m at home with the DC during the day and I think it would be a bit shitty to expect him to cook something while we sit there eating…. But then he would pitch in with baths and bedtime (arguments or no arguments).

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/09/2021 10:20

You’re doing right thing by keeping household ticking along. But he is being extremely unfair and selfish. Yes you’ve had an argument, but that doesn’t mean he can check out of his responsibilities as a father and household adult.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/09/2021 10:21

What are you arguing about and how often? I can’t imagine living with an adult who thinks it’s acceptable to opt out of family life because they’re in a strop.

How has this come about?!

We never argue like this and neither of us would sulk away from the DC over a relationship problem but if we did the other certainly wouldn’t pander by feeding the sulker.

SheWoreYellow · 23/09/2021 10:22

Jesus. How long do these sulks last?

If DH or I sulked like this for more than half an hour I think we’d be questioning our relationship.

Original poster
eieieieieieieieieio · 23/09/2021 10:30

He's not working right now, hopefully soon.

He is the DC's dad.

The sulks usually last a few days. We've just had one that lasted a week. Made up for a day, then he got annoyed because I joined a Whatsapp group with my cousins 👍🏻 so sulking again 🙂

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 23/09/2021 10:33

He sounds like a waste of time and energy, so I doubt I would be wasting time or energy on him, and that would cover cooking washing and anything else. Is there any point to him?

Original poster
eieieieieieieieieio · 23/09/2021 10:33

I've often had a text from him from
upstairs saying 'am i supposed to cook something for myself?' and I've said yes, but then I'm made out to be the bad guy.

And before someone asks, I'm not sure why I'm here sometimes either.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 23/09/2021 10:34

If we have an argument it gets sorted there and then. We don't hold grudges or check out of life.

Why is he cross you joined a Whatapp group?

NerrSnerr · 23/09/2021 10:35

If he doesn't have a job what happens on days he's supposed to cook? Does he cook for you when he's cross at you. I already know the answer to this though. I bet he does fuck all cooking and stuff around the house.

Original poster
eieieieieieieieieio · 23/09/2021 10:36

@NerrSnerr

If we have an argument it gets sorted there and then. We don't hold grudges or check out of life.

Why is he cross you joined a Whatapp group?

Long story. He doesn't have anyone in his life, only me and DC. So he gets annoyed when he's not involved with every single part of my family. I told him about the group and he said 'don't forget about your family here' (meaning him and the DC). I asked what he meant and all hell broke loose because hes not invited to the group when it's literally just MY cousins and aunties.
OP posts:
DressBitch · 23/09/2021 10:36

I was going to say an argument doesn't justify not cooking for the other person, but in this scenario absolutely not.

I would ignore his texts, too.

Justmi · 23/09/2021 10:36

Sorry you are going through this its really hard with kids I hope you can get through to him have you tried talking to him about this (when not arguing)

Original poster
eieieieieieieieieio · 23/09/2021 10:37

@NerrSnerr

If he doesn't have a job what happens on days he's supposed to cook? Does he cook for you when he's cross at you. I already know the answer to this though. I bet he does fuck all cooking and stuff around the house.
Cooks once a week and that's only a very recent thing as I pulled him up on it. He doesn't leave the bedroom when we argue and I'm downstairs so no he doesn't cook for me.
OP posts:
Original poster
eieieieieieieieieio · 23/09/2021 10:38

@Justmi

Sorry you are going through this its really hard with kids I hope you can get through to him have you tried talking to him about this (when not arguing)
I've tried talking to him about it before, told him he checked out of family life but he says he stays upstairs so there's no atmosphere or awkwardness around the DC. I've told him before it would be better if we split, but he disagrees. I think it's just convenient for him.
OP posts:
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 23/09/2021 10:38

I would if I cooked for him. He cooks his own because he's not ready to eat with the DC.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2021 10:39

He is a poor example of how a person should behave to these children as well as you.

You do realise that he is emotionally abusing you don’t you?. Sulking behaviour is an example of emotional abuse.

Shoxfordian · 23/09/2021 10:40

So many more red flags
Is it your house? Don’t stay with him or put up with this shit

Original poster
eieieieieieieieieio · 23/09/2021 10:41

@Shoxfordian

So many more red flags Is it your house? Don’t stay with him or put up with this shit
Rent, but it's my name on the lease
OP posts:
Original poster
eieieieieieieieieio · 23/09/2021 10:42

There is so much that I won't go into. He's very narcissistic. Deep down I know I need out.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/09/2021 10:43

Can you call women’s aid for some support? He seems quite controlling

You can do it, you can make him leave