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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you cook for your DP when you argue?

73 replies

eieieieieieieieieio · 23/09/2021 10:14

Just that. Just for context, my DP keeps to himself when we fight, stays upstairs all day and leaves me to get up every morning, sort the kids, cooking, housework and DC bedtimes.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Drinkingallthewine · 23/09/2021 12:05

That sounds horrendous.

Ok in our house we firstly don't and wouldn't police each other's interactions with family, because we are grown-ups. He's no idea what whatsapp groups I have, nor would he even care, and vice versa.

We disagree - but both of us have always tried to be objective, see from the other person's point of view, try to understand where they are coming from - even if we feel the opposite way, and try to come to a middle ground that works for us both if we really can't agree. We would never sulk, name call or shout so I'd say we've had maybe two proper arguments in nearly 17 years. But most of the time we talk stuff out and are respectful to each other.

You need him out. Your name is on the lease so it's your place, right?

Just think about what this dynamic is teaching the DC. How will they have healthy, equal, loving relationships when they see a sulking layabout on one side and an indecisive unhappy person on the other who won't change their situation?

Be assertive and teach them that assertiveness. Teach them that you don't get to sulk and check out of life to punish your partner for non-issues. Teach them how to communicate, how to compromise, and how to be firm on the important stuff. You teach them that by getting him out.

knittingaddict · 23/09/2021 12:09

@eieieieieieieieieio

Just that. Just for context, my DP keeps to himself when we fight, stays upstairs all day and leaves me to get up every morning, sort the kids, cooking, housework and DC bedtimes.

Thanks.

Yes, but there may be some crashing and banging of pans involved.

Seriously though, neither of us like an atmosphere or are sulkers. We do blow up at each sometimes, but we are also quick to apologise and move on.

I couldn't tolerate a partner like yours op. It would be too easy for me to think that an argument rewards him, punishes you and he gets to opt out of his responsibilities. That's not healthy for either of you, but mostly it impacts you far more negatively. In a healthy relationship you should be able to argue/disagree in a healthy way.

Original poster
eieieieieieieieieio · 23/09/2021 12:13

I know I need to leave. I need to find the strength to and work out what the hell Im going to to. I don't drive, and can't afford to do the kids couldn't get to school

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 23/09/2021 12:13

Having read all your posts now, I'm seeing some abusive behaviours here - the sulking, withdrawing for long periods of time to punish you, not tolerating your wider relationships. I bet there's more too. I would be reconsidering your relationship as this can't be making you happy.

LastGirlSanding · 23/09/2021 12:14

I've often had a text from him from upstairs saying 'am i supposed to cook something for myself?' - This would be funny if it wasn’t so sad and rage-inducing! The audacity of it, to check out of family life in a sulk, leave you to do it all and then act offended his lordship isn’t getting a hot dinner cooked too. Who the fuck does he think he is? Angry on your behalf.

Original poster
eieieieieieieieieio · 23/09/2021 12:16

Do you know what the funniest thing of it all is?

He volunteers for a listening charity. He's proud of that (and rightfully so), but as you can imagine, he will come across charming to people.

fml

OP posts:
godmum56 · 23/09/2021 12:18

@eieieieieieieieieio

There is so much that I won't go into. He's very narcissistic. Deep down I know I need out.
so go...or start to work on a go plan.
Original poster
eieieieieieieieieio · 23/09/2021 12:21

@19Bears

Mine is currently 10 days into a big sulk. I gave up cooking two portions a few years ago when he would just walk in the house after work and tell me he'd already had his tea out, or he'd bring something in from the shop to stick in the microwave. I was sick of food going to waste. Especially for the sake of a frozen bloody pizza. I make tea for myself, and something for the kids, but if there is plenty to go round, it's there if he wants some, but he more often than not refuses. Last time we had an argument he brought up that I don't cook for him, which isn't strictly true, and I am kicking myself that it didn't come to my mind quickly enough to say to him YOU HAVE NEVER COOKED ONCE IN 15 YEARS!!!!!!!!! Never touched the hoover, never cleaned the bathroom, never ironed.... I realise I sound like an absolute mug here. Anyway, I took off my wedding ring last night. Please help me be strong enough to leave it off once and for all, MN ladies. You know it's not right, OP. I hope you can find a way to happier times x
We can do this. I took my engagement ring off a few months ago. Good luck lady, start a thread and we will be there to support you every day x
OP posts:
Goldbar · 23/09/2021 12:21

Yes, if the rest of it wasn't so awful, it would be quite funny that he thinks you're providing a free catering service.

It's sort of like the child who runs away from home when their mother won't let them watch TV but comes back for a snack when they get around the corner But they're "still running away", you know, straight after the snack Wink.

Funny in a 6 year old. Not all all funny in a grown man.

bloodywhitecat · 23/09/2021 12:22

I came on to say YABU but having read all of your posts on this thread I just feel incredibly sad that you are in this situation. I hope you find the strength to find your way out OP, you deserve better. So much better.

Original poster
eieieieieieieieieio · 23/09/2021 12:23

@bloodywhitecat

I came on to say YABU but having read all of your posts on this thread I just feel incredibly sad that you are in this situation. I hope you find the strength to find your way out OP, you deserve better. So much better.
Thank you. That's only the start of it. There's so much more. I can't do it anymore.
OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 23/09/2021 12:31

We seldom argue and when we do it's usually over something trivial. Doesn't last long and he usually just lets me have my way as he doesn't like arguing. Once its over its over, neither of us holds onto things like that. If we are having a disagreement life goes on as normal around it.
Last week we were in a 'discussion' and he stopped to make a cup of tea, brought me tea and a piece of cake, then we restarted. (I got may way in the end)

19Bears · 23/09/2021 12:33

Thank you @Shoxfordian and @eieieieieieieieieio I have just started a thread. Crikey, OP, he's a listening volunteer??! Hilarious!!! God, we deserve so much better than this. We'll get it xx

MajorCarolDanvers · 23/09/2021 12:35

What do you get from this relationship?

Mrsjayy · 23/09/2021 12:36

Are you able to disengage from him emotionally detach? I'd make the family dinner tell him it's ready go about your dinner/ meals leave him too it . Don't pander to sulks. I know it's not easy to leave but try to protect yourself from him Flowers

LastGirlSanding · 23/09/2021 12:40

@eieieieieieieieieio

Do you know what the funniest thing of it all is?

He volunteers for a listening charity. He's proud of that (and rightfully so), but as you can imagine, he will come across charming to people.

fml

You know, a lot of abusive people are like this. They love to look good to others and think of themselves as being helpful and charitable, yet they treat their nearest and dearest like shit behind closed doors. It’s also a quite calculated smokescreen for many - they act like a lovely person where others can see them as it allows them to get away with abusing people close to them. I really hope you are able to find a way to leave, he sounds horrible.
QforCucumber · 23/09/2021 13:10

@Drinkingallthewine

That sounds horrendous.

Ok in our house we firstly don't and wouldn't police each other's interactions with family, because we are grown-ups. He's no idea what whatsapp groups I have, nor would he even care, and vice versa.

We disagree - but both of us have always tried to be objective, see from the other person's point of view, try to understand where they are coming from - even if we feel the opposite way, and try to come to a middle ground that works for us both if we really can't agree. We would never sulk, name call or shout so I'd say we've had maybe two proper arguments in nearly 17 years. But most of the time we talk stuff out and are respectful to each other.

You need him out. Your name is on the lease so it's your place, right?

Just think about what this dynamic is teaching the DC. How will they have healthy, equal, loving relationships when they see a sulking layabout on one side and an indecisive unhappy person on the other who won't change their situation?

Be assertive and teach them that assertiveness. Teach them that you don't get to sulk and check out of life to punish your partner for non-issues. Teach them how to communicate, how to compromise, and how to be firm on the important stuff. You teach them that by getting him out.

This! I have no idea who DH has groups chats with, nor does he know mine - other than daft pictures I might show him now and then.

I wonder what would happen if you were the one who walked away and shut yourself upstairs after an argument would the kids still get fed and sorted?

I'd really have to ask why he believes you are his mother and not his partner.

Bytheseaseasea · 23/09/2021 13:35

I grew up in a house like this, where one parent would check out for days at a time, hiding upstairs in a sulk. Then they would come down and pretend nothing had happened. As an adult I had a few disastrous relationships where I was unable to resolve conflict like an adult and I had to go through therapy to even understand there was something wrong with my approach, let alone change my behaviour. Growing up I had never seen conflict being appropriately and maturely resolved in adult-adult relationships so I didn’t know how to do it myself. You should leave, so that your children can begin to understand that what your husband does isn’t ok.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/09/2021 14:18

@eieieieieieieieieio

I know I need to leave. I need to find the strength to and work out what the hell Im going to to. I don't drive, and can't afford to do the kids couldn't get to school
No you need him to leave. Don't let your DC endure growing up in this atmosphere. Don't spend your own life on him. Taxis cost money, but not your well being.
NowEvenBetter · 23/09/2021 18:49

You’re legally single and the lease is yours, so this is very easily resolved.
Remove him from the property, enjoy your life.

ToCutALongStoryShort · 24/09/2021 14:40

How are you doing today OP? Flowers

bigbaggyeyes · 24/09/2021 14:51

Of course it's convenient for him. You do all the cooking, cleaning, child rearing and life admin I expect. All he has to do is cook once a week. He doesn't even bring a wage into the family.

I'd be saying leave him even without the sulking. What value does he actually add to your life?

LampLighter414 · 24/09/2021 15:01

Get rid.

Good luck.

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