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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you cook for your DP when you argue?

73 replies

eieieieieieieieieio · 23/09/2021 10:14

Just that. Just for context, my DP keeps to himself when we fight, stays upstairs all day and leaves me to get up every morning, sort the kids, cooking, housework and DC bedtimes.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 23/09/2021 10:47

That's highly effective for him...start an argument and he is guaranteed days off in peace.

If he texts asking for food, tell him that he is welcome to join family meals when he decides to return to normal family duties. If he can't communicate properly or resolve conflicts then he needs to learn quickly.

A sulker causes the house to walk kn eggshells. Ignore him and hopefully he will grow up.

Justbecauseofit · 23/09/2021 10:49

Op your relationship situation is horrendous.

Please don’t let him get away with treating you like that.

LindaEllen · 23/09/2021 10:59

That just sounds really immature. Me and DP sort out our differences like actual adults. We talk to each other about the problem rather than sulking or ignoring or storming out - so yes, when it's meal time, whoever is cooking will of course cook for everyone as normal. For goodness sake.

ItsNotMeAnymore · 23/09/2021 11:01

That sounds like an awful situation. It's sounds like you should split up. I'd be worried to raise kids in a house where someone behaves like he does. What happens when your kids get older? Teens can be annoying - is he going to behave like that to them?

Good luck.

Regularsizedrudy · 23/09/2021 11:03

This sounds really dysfunctional.. if me and dh argue its minor and lasts a few mins. And neither of us cook FOR each other we just cook in roughly even turns.

BasicDad · 23/09/2021 11:04

Bin him off. He's a waste of space.

MrsR87 · 23/09/2021 11:11

I can’t really answer your question as it’s never happened to me but we meal plan and usually cook together so if one of us decided to cook, there would be food for the other one too. I would inform him his food was ready as I wouldn’t want it to go to waste…whether we would eat together who knows?

What I think actually needs addressing is the actual arguing. It sounds like it’s a regular occurrence and seems like a pretty regular occurrence. You mention that he’s out of work and feel like he has no friends and family, is there is chance he might have mental health issues? It sounds to me like he could be depressed. Whatever the case it’s certainly not a healthy family dynamic.

19Bears · 23/09/2021 11:15

Mine is currently 10 days into a big sulk. I gave up cooking two portions a few years ago when he would just walk in the house after work and tell me he'd already had his tea out, or he'd bring something in from the shop to stick in the microwave. I was sick of food going to waste. Especially for the sake of a frozen bloody pizza. I make tea for myself, and something for the kids, but if there is plenty to go round, it's there if he wants some, but he more often than not refuses. Last time we had an argument he brought up that I don't cook for him, which isn't strictly true, and I am kicking myself that it didn't come to my mind quickly enough to say to him YOU HAVE NEVER COOKED ONCE IN 15 YEARS!!!!!!!!! Never touched the hoover, never cleaned the bathroom, never ironed.... I realise I sound like an absolute mug here.
Anyway, I took off my wedding ring last night. Please help me be strong enough to leave it off once and for all, MN ladies. You know it's not right, OP. I hope you can find a way to happier times x

thelastgoldeneagle · 23/09/2021 11:17

Oh, OP, big hugs. He's a selfish, controlling, lazy, passive-aggressive, dysfunctional man baby. One of those sulks would be enough for me. I'd be showing him the door. What a shit example to set for your dc. He's sulking to make you toe the line and not want to upset him again. He's controlling because he wants to be involved in every aspect of your life.

You and your dc deserve so much more.

Why does he get to opt out of family life after an argument? What have the dc done to deserve him sulking and ignoring them? That's the mark of an emotionally immature selfish dick with no empathy who can't think about anyone else but himself.

So, he doesn't work. He's a sulker. He's manipulative and PA. He doesn't do any housework, only cooks one night out of seven, and opts out of looking after the dc when he can. He sends you PA texts.
What exactly is good about him???

Honestly, I'm so angry on your behalf!

I wouldn't be doing anything for him. No cooking, washing, certainly no sex.

Smashingspinster · 23/09/2021 11:17

He needs to learn how adults handle disagreements. Maybe therapy? I wold not ben happy to accept this.

VienneseWhirligig · 23/09/2021 11:18

To answer the original question, we both cooked so whoever was doing the dinner that night would still do it even if we had fallen out with the other person. In fact it would be a good way of getting out all the aggression or irritation by stirring furiously or chopping angrily...

However. The situation you describe sounds very similar to an abusive relationship I had before DH and I met. So I would not have the same reaction, these days I would be alarmed if my partner questioned me joining a WhatsApp group with anyone, let alone members of my family. That's a whole different issue to just having the hump.

MrsR87 · 23/09/2021 11:21

@19Bears

Mine is currently 10 days into a big sulk. I gave up cooking two portions a few years ago when he would just walk in the house after work and tell me he'd already had his tea out, or he'd bring something in from the shop to stick in the microwave. I was sick of food going to waste. Especially for the sake of a frozen bloody pizza. I make tea for myself, and something for the kids, but if there is plenty to go round, it's there if he wants some, but he more often than not refuses. Last time we had an argument he brought up that I don't cook for him, which isn't strictly true, and I am kicking myself that it didn't come to my mind quickly enough to say to him YOU HAVE NEVER COOKED ONCE IN 15 YEARS!!!!!!!!! Never touched the hoover, never cleaned the bathroom, never ironed.... I realise I sound like an absolute mug here. Anyway, I took off my wedding ring last night. Please help me be strong enough to leave it off once and for all, MN ladies. You know it's not right, OP. I hope you can find a way to happier times x
I hope you can find the way to happier times too. That’s not a loving relationship. To me a loving relationship is a partnership where each of you brings out the best of each other. Each of you cares for the other and considers each other’s point of view. You do not have this…he sounds selfish and entitled. Leave your ring off! X
SheWoreYellow · 23/09/2021 11:25

It sounds like he’s trying to isolate you.

Notaroadrunner · 23/09/2021 11:26

Stop doing his cooking, washing etc. Start making plans to get him out. You are not doing your kids any favours by bringing them up in this kind of atmosphere.

daisyjgrey · 23/09/2021 11:32

Urgh! Fuck him off, he sounds like an utter prick.

daisyjgrey · 23/09/2021 11:34

@19Bears

TEN DAYS?

Who has the energy for that?! Bloody hell. I don't know whether to be slightly impressed by his willpower or appalled at his clearly shit behaviour.

Mrsjayy · 23/09/2021 11:37

So he is sulking because you want to chat to your family ? He sounds a proper arsehole .

Lizlou85 · 23/09/2021 11:39

It depends. Once I sent husband to work with a tin of unopened tuna and two slices of dried bread as he had complained about the pack lunch the day before but couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed 10mins earlier to help me in the morning.
I have not cooked a few times in the evenings for him if he refuses to help or complains about meals.

Shoxfordian · 23/09/2021 11:48

@19Bears
Start your own thread for lots of support from us all to keep that ring off

fluffiphlox · 23/09/2021 11:52

You must have the patience of a saint.

TiredButDancing · 23/09/2021 11:54

So, if DH and I have an argument, then yes, of course I still cook. But, if DH and I have an argument, DH still does whatever kids chores are on his list and does not abdicate all responsibility to me.

SO if he texts you asking if you're making him dinner, I'd respond with, "are you doing bed time/bath time/story/homework/whatever he's supposed to be doing".

But mostly, as you know, you need to end this relationship.

PersonaNonGarter · 23/09/2021 11:56

He needs to leave. It’s the best thing that could happen to both of you.

If he gets a job - and there are plenty to get - he can come back and contribute.

Goldbar · 23/09/2021 11:59

OP, in answer to your question, no I don't cook for my DH when we argue (infrequently). But then I don't cook for him the rest of the time either, except as a favour if I'm making something I know he likes.

Adults don't get to offload responsibility for feeding themselves onto other adults. Or washing. Or cleaning up after themselves.

But it seems this is just the tip of the iceberg... as you've identified, you're living with a sulky lazy manchild.

AmandaHoldensLips · 23/09/2021 12:02

Christ on a bike. Pack his stuff up and throw him out. Fucking useless man baby. You'd be well rid.

Goldbar · 23/09/2021 12:03

Oh, and "I don't give a fuck" would seem like a fairly sensible response to the "where's my food?" texts. If he's already sulking, not like you've got anything to lose.