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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Living in a house bought by my partner

106 replies

Hayjela · 21/09/2021 15:13

I thought I’d ask on here as I have no one else to ask.

I have been seeing my boyfriend for over four years and things are overall great. We both currently live at home but he stays over at mine and I stay at his. In the last 12 months, he’s told me he has a trust fund and wants to buy us a home. I won’t disclose the amount but it is a lot. He has allowed me to have a lot of input and say in the house. I actually chose the area I wanted to live in and the house and his parents asked me if I liked the house before the sale went ahead. I’ve chosen the furniture and we’ve both mutually agreed on things we want.

That house has now been bought and I haven’t contributed a penny to it in terms of furniture. We’ve already agreed that I won’t have to contribute to bills or anything like that, just to treat him to the occasional meal now-and-again. He has told his parents about this and we’ve all met and they are happy with that as his sister-in-law has a similar agreement with her husband and his parents have a similar agreement too. We plan to get married within the next 24 months and he has said if we were to get divorced then I wouldn’t be entitled to half of the house as it would be in the trust or something (not that I would want to take half of it anyway).

My question is, should I prepare for the worst case and save my money just in case he leaves me? Is anyone else in this situation? What do you do? I would ask his brother’s wife but I’m not sure how I’d approach the situation with her as I don’t know her that well.

Thanks

OP posts:
SinoohXaenaHide · 22/09/2021 07:32

Given that you have a good salary, building up assets in your own name that are ringfenced for you alone is sensible. In the event of a split you need to know you won't be destitute. As pp say the danger comes if you end up being financially dependent in a situation where you have no rights or protection in the event of a split or your partner's death, but if you maintain your independence that's ok. You do mention that in the event of a split you could go back to living with your parents but you really can't count on that, you don't know what their situation will be in 10 years time and you really won't want to go back to living with them once you are used to living separately.

Mumteedum · 22/09/2021 07:39

@girlmom21

You'd be daft not to build a massive savings pot if you have 0 outgoings.
The problem is that if they marry, any savings pot or property that op accrues will be a marital asset. I would advise being very cold and practical and even go ask a solicitor what the situation would be based on 1) being married 2) not being married.

How could you protect your savings having no claim on his (supposedly).

FinallyHere · 22/09/2021 10:53

I earnestly encourage you to inform yourself about the general law in this area of family law & trust law as well as the details of the terms of the trust. Not just 'little chats' over coffee in the family circle, actual reviews of the trust documents with paper copies in from of you and a pen in your hand to make notes.

Any useful advice must be predicated on the terms of the trust as well as the general way in which the law is applied.

Being aware of these terms will allow you to go into anything with your eyes open.

By all means, save hard for your own future and make sure he does his half of the household chores.

In the event that you decide to get married, make sure you have really good independent advice, in order to protect your wealth from him, as well as vice versa. so that you know what would happen in the event of any divorce.

In the way that good fences make for good neighbours, good legal advice makes for good relationships between parties with wealth to protect. Good luck

gogohm · 22/09/2021 10:56

It sounds fine to me in the short term but for piece of mind save up a deposit and buy a buy to let and get a prenup (sounds like he would have now issues with this anyway). If everything works out fine, the rental house is a pension plan, theres no downside.

Frymetothemoon · 22/09/2021 10:57

When I was in a similar situation, a solicitor advised me to have savings of at least 6 months' worth of rent payments, meaning I was free and able to leave at any time should the need arise (it didn't and several years later we are very happily married)

gogohm · 22/09/2021 10:59

And I would suggest that you request a substantial life assurance policy to protect you if he dies prematurely. Once his parents are no longer alive the trust will need restructuring anyway so 25 year term policy is fine

leakymcleakleak · 22/09/2021 11:13

I think there are two problems with this (even if the legal stuff is ironed out). First, over a long relationship, the expectation is that you have an equal relationship in terms of decision making, viewing each other as partners, etc. Its very difficult to do this if you have access to substantially different assets. You say he's letting you choose where you live, being generous, etc etc which is great and bodes well for the future. But - what if in 15 years he has a job offer, and you don't want to move, and he is the one who has the ability to sell the house and buy a new one? What if there's a subtle shift in power and in the families attitudes over time?

At the start, before you're married, when you've been together a few years, it all makes sense. As you consolidate your lives, it makes less so. This is why so often people talk about marriage of short duration. You can say now, well its his families' assets and I have no claim over them. And that's fine. But what if 30 years down the line you've been the lynchpin of that family, you've helped steward those assets, you've fed into decisions that have seen them accumulate more and more value and still they can throw you out on the street if he dies/you divorce?

The second big issue is there are just things that are unpredictable. I know two fit, healthy women in their late thirties who were the higher earners in their relationships who have both developed chronic and debilitating illnesses in the last five years. Neither can work now and that's unlikely to change, both actually are parents (though have still required childcare as they're not well enough to care for their children solo). One had an excellent illness-in-service benefit but after paying for five years she was having to fight the insurers to such an extent she rolled over and accepted it being stopped - they claimed she was fit enough for a staged return to work and no matter what consultants etc said they wouldn't listen so she gave up. So, they're entirely and unexpectedly reliant on their other halves, despite keeping their careers up after children and even paying for insurance, and relationships that were entirely equal in terms of childcare, who is the breadwinner, have changed substantially.

Its put pressure on both their relationships. If this happened to you, and you hadn't finished paying off your mortgage/nest egg, and the relationship broke down - where would it leave you?

In reality, despite the fact you won't have to contribute to mortgage/bills you'll quite likely be worse off in this relationship financially than if you married a man with less money who shared it with you. Because generally, you'd be buying a house with two incomes, you'd both be building the equity, and it would be a better house, and accumulate more equity (this is not 100% guaranteed but tends to be the case) so if you split and everything was 50/50 there would be more to split than you'll get from putting your savings into a buy to let. These are all things to think about.

Personally, obviously see a solicitor, but I'd also consider building in times of review in whatever is agreed. Personally, I don't see inherited wealth as 'earned.' Its v likely I'll have a fairly substantial inheritance at some point in the future - purely because I'm an only child and my parents brought property in an expensive area at the right time. If I get that inheritance, then DH and I split and he gets half....well, so be it. I don't really see it as 'my' money, I didn't work for it. Our relationship is a partnership, and our good fortune and bad fortune is shared. That is something I'd be worried about losing out on in the scenario you're entering into.

RantyAunty · 22/09/2021 11:34

I don't think having a trust is an issue.
I would be concerned if he intends to put all his assets into a trust.

Obviously he is employed and makes his own money. It would seem to me that the entire trust things would be separate from getting married.

As in getting married and buying a home together and if his parents wanted to gift a deposit or something that would be great. It would show they support the marriage.

Then going forward together in marriage, you're building those years together have joint assets you created together.

That said, there is nothing stopping you from having your own trust that is just yours.

FinallyHere · 22/09/2021 11:40

If I get that inheritance, then DH and I split and he gets half....well, so be it.

No argument that inherited wealth is not 'earned'.

What I have inherited, I see as being on loan to me for my lifetime. It is my responsibility to at least maintain its value for subsequent generations.

It would be highly irresponsible of me to give half of it away to someone, just because they happened to be married to me. The value belongs in my family, for the benefit of subsequent generations.

Hayjela · 22/09/2021 11:42

@FinallyHere

If I get that inheritance, then DH and I split and he gets half....well, so be it.

No argument that inherited wealth is not 'earned'.

What I have inherited, I see as being on loan to me for my lifetime. It is my responsibility to at least maintain its value for subsequent generations.

It would be highly irresponsible of me to give half of it away to someone, just because they happened to be married to me. The value belongs in my family, for the benefit of subsequent generations.

This. 100%.
OP posts:
Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 22/09/2021 12:04

Be aware that if you get married with no pre nup , he will be entitled to 50% of everything of yours. If you have a large savings pot from no outgoings, he’ll be entitled to half. If you do buy your own property make sure you get everything ring fenced and as legal as possible so he has no claims on it. I know you probably think he would never do anything like but just read the divorce threads on here.

Mumteedum · 22/09/2021 12:27

Pre nups are not enforceable in the UK AFAIK

Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 22/09/2021 13:11

Pre nups aren’t legally binding but if done correctly with a solicitor they will hold significant weight with judges, especially if it’s massively ones sided with one having everything in a trust. It’s better to have some protection than zero.

Mumteedum · 22/09/2021 13:49

@Tinkywinkydinkydoo

Pre nups aren’t legally binding but if done correctly with a solicitor they will hold significant weight with judges, especially if it’s massively ones sided with one having everything in a trust. It’s better to have some protection than zero.
That's good to hear @Tinkywinkydinkydoo 👍 hope you get on it, @Hayjela
leakymcleakleak · 22/09/2021 13:52

But OP you've said you're not having children, so how on earth can his inheritance be for future generations?

Also - @finallyhere are children the only 'true' family we have? My husband is my family as much as my children, and if we were to split, they still remain the people most likely to inherit his estate. What about adoption? What if you leave inherited money to your children but they are happy to/want to share with their spouse? Would you cut them off?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 22/09/2021 14:08

Think again about marrying him. He is in a very privileged position and he is not sharing with you
Protect yourself and your future
The fact of you paying no contributions/ bills is not a kindness to you, it's to protect their( as a family) asset ensuring you have no interest
Buy your own property and please see a solicitor before you consider marriage

Hayjela · 22/09/2021 14:14

@leakymcleakleak well no we don’t plan to but I certainly don’t expect him to automatically give me half of his parents’ money just because we are married. If he wanted to pass on the inheritance through the generations then surely he could just give it to his nephews.
Like you, I am an only child so I too am expecting to receive a substantial amount thanks to many factors which could help me in the future if my parents were to die before me.

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 22/09/2021 17:26

Save like mad and do not be tempted to buy a single thing not even a pot of paint for it. Do not loan or give him anything.

This could go horribly wrong when you've had children or if you give up work and you will need the money or a property of your own you've bought.

SGBK4682 · 22/09/2021 18:56

Why should a family inheritance only be for biologically related members? That's not how I see it. My parents have passed money to me as has my DH's family to him. What we choose to do with it us up to us. Most likely it will go to our children, who are adopted. They might give that to anyone they choose. You can't dictate what happens after your death.

My siblings have received the same amount I have. One has a partner and several children, the other doesn't. That's just how it is. The money we have we use to benefit ourselves in whatever way we want to. I'd expect my DH to take half if we divorced even though my family has given more than his. We are a partnership and it seems only fair. I don't feel I must have every penny that is technically mine and I also share my earnings even though they have always been higher than my partner's. I didn't do this before we married but have ever since - we're a family unit. We have both contributed to that unit in many ways other than financially.

Just seems very grasping and cold hearted to try to keep their money all for themselves. So if you have no kids, all your partner's money could end up with his nieces/ nephews should he die before you. They could take the house which you have seen as your home for 10, 20, 50 years. How is that reasonable? Legal yes, but not reasonable.

Also I'd question his view of a marriage or even his intention to marry if he sees you only as someone who will be borrowing the use of his assets until such time as he has had enough of you.

bigbaggyeyes · 22/09/2021 19:08

What @Nofacedetected said. It works well either way, if it all goes swimmingly and you retire into old age the. It's a great investment, but it also means that if the worst happens and you split, you've got some financial stability. A woman (or anyone really), should always have financially security individually

Footballfam · 22/09/2021 22:03

Some of the responses on here are just mn at its worst. I laughed out loud at the pp who said they'd ltb though. Sure you would

OP my dh outright owned his house when I moved in with him. We set up a cohab agreement saying house remains his, I pay 50% of living expenses, anything saved or inherited remains our own. Once we got married we had a further discussion on wills etc and every time one of us acquired an assert we made an addendum.

You are in a fortunate situation. Get legal / financial advice but also make sure you save, save, save. You have a great chance to get ahead. Don't waste it.

Hayjela · 22/09/2021 22:25

@Footballfam

Some of the responses on here are just mn at its worst. I laughed out loud at the pp who said they'd ltb though. Sure you would

OP my dh outright owned his house when I moved in with him. We set up a cohab agreement saying house remains his, I pay 50% of living expenses, anything saved or inherited remains our own. Once we got married we had a further discussion on wills etc and every time one of us acquired an assert we made an addendum.

You are in a fortunate situation. Get legal / financial advice but also make sure you save, save, save. You have a great chance to get ahead. Don't waste it.

Am I mesmerizing? A sane comment? Not a comment how he’s using me until someone better comes along, he’ll never marry me, how DP & his parents are controlling/cold hearted for not wanting me to automatically take 50% of his assets/will kick me out/steal my savings/my nephews will kick me out?! Thank you. Me and DP have a similar plan in place. I am going to consult legal advice about this and DP is more than happy with this as he wants me to understand what’s going on. I won’t be asking MN a question like this again! Thanks! Grin
OP posts:
Elieza · 22/09/2021 22:29

Not all MNetters are crazy OP!

Enjoy your partners house and put your own money by like every woman should. Why shouldn’t you stay with someone who has a nice house.

Just have your own cash savings and pensions out of sight too. Won’t do any harm.

Hayjela · 22/09/2021 22:30

@Footballfam oh and saving has always been my priority. I fortunately have saved enough saved deposit wise combined with my salary to buy a flat close enough to work (it wouldn’t be great but doesn’t matter). Thanks.

OP posts:
Hayjela · 22/09/2021 22:33

@Elieza

Not all MNetters are crazy OP!

Enjoy your partners house and put your own money by like every woman should. Why shouldn’t you stay with someone who has a nice house.

Just have your own cash savings and pensions out of sight too. Won’t do any harm.

Thank you! I am only 24 and my parents have said if it doesn’t work out then I’m always welcome to come home and that would never be a problem. Yes I plan to do that. Thanks.
OP posts: