Living in a house bought by my partner

[Hayjela]

I thought I’d ask on here as I have no one else to ask.

I have been seeing my boyfriend for over four years and things are overall great. We both currently live at home but he stays over at mine and I stay at his. In the last 12 months, he’s told me he has a trust fund and wants to buy us a home. I won’t disclose the amount but it is a lot. He has allowed me to have a lot of input and say in the house. I actually chose the area I wanted to live in and the house and his parents asked me if I liked the house before the sale went ahead. I’ve chosen the furniture and we’ve both mutually agreed on things we want.

That house has now been bought and I haven’t contributed a penny to it in terms of furniture. We’ve already agreed that I won’t have to contribute to bills or anything like that, just to treat him to the occasional meal now-and-again. He has told his parents about this and we’ve all met and they are happy with that as his sister-in-law has a similar agreement with her husband and his parents have a similar agreement too. We plan to get married within the next 24 months and he has said if we were to get divorced then I wouldn’t be entitled to half of the house as it would be in the trust or something (not that I would want to take half of it anyway).

My question is, should I prepare for the worst case and save my money just in case he leaves me? Is anyone else in this situation? What do you do? I would ask his brother’s wife but I’m not sure how I’d approach the situation with her as I don’t know her that well.

Thanks

Stay unmarried and dont give him PRR of any DC's until you have a 50/50 stake in all of his assets

Wow, and some PP are accusing HIM of bad faith!

I reckon the PR bit would last all of about four months, give or take… the time it would take for him to get to court and have them granted anyway.

As your not paying any bills. save and get yourself a buy to let mortgage, then say he couldn't take this from you either

My oh has a mortgage, I live here always have and pay 50/50 give or take, we're due to be married in the next 6 months and I stated I wanted a prenup to say if we divorced I wouldn't want his house (10 years later an it's the first thing out of his mind mouth that I'm only doing it for the house haha, just to add. I don't like the house or the area and I'd move to the other side of our town!! ) but Iv said I'd just want him to let me stay long enough to secure myself somewhere else with the kids as savings are "ours" and it's all split so I don't have the luxury unlike you to save for my own mortgage !
I wouldnt think anything Of it just get yourself a security blanket away from him

@felulageller

If he doesnt want to share his assets with you then he doesn't really want to get married.

Stay unmarried and dont give him PRR of any DC's until you have a 50/50 stake in all of his assets.

This.

......

... Is deeply disturbing

Wow some of the comments on here are very judgemental! He most definitely is not a control freak. He has never made comments for me to quit work for him to support me. He has supported me in my career, helped push me and encourage me to go further. My wages are paid separately into my bank account which he has no control over and he knows I have savings separately and he is aware that I think the worst case scenario of our relationship and has no objections to me saving separately.

Where did I say he doesn't want to share his assets with me? He let me choose the house and area, he wants us to live together. Why should I get half of whatever is in the trust if we were to divorce? The trust was there before I came along into his life. Would you want your child's spouse to have half of whatever you left them in a trust after a divorce? Surely what inheritance you gain from your parents is yours - not both yours and your partner's unless you want it to be .

For those saying he will never marry me or have children with me - his brother is married with two children and he has a separate trust fund. Thank for those who didn't jump to wild conclusions about my life based on a few details .

How old are you? Lots of people plan never to have children and then end up having children. The sort of financial arms-length arrangement you are planning with your boyfriend may be ok while you are childless, but if you ever do have children, you will find yourself in a very difficult position. And, once you have children with someone, you are not in a position to go back to the past and say, "I won't have children with you unless you ensure I am financially protected." How many threads are there on this board, just in the last month, of women who have been left with financial problems because they had children with their boyfriend or partner and then he used the children as a means of financial control, or he abandoned them, or some other awful behavior.

Be careful. What he and his family are offering may sound nice, but the way their financial plan for your relationship looks, there are two teams: them, and you. Does this man really love you? Think hard about the answer to that question.

He has bought himself a house though. It's not yours.

You comment about having savings towards a down payment as you thought you would be buying one together is telling too.

It's been 4 years, what has stopped him from getting married and why wait another 2 years?

@aloris unfortunately the only way we’d have children is if we were to adopt for reasons I prefer not to discuss. Could you please elaborate what difficult situation I would be facing if we were to have children and he turned out to be abusive? I work full time with a good salary and well I’m not reliant on him. I imagine if that situation were to appear right now then I would just go back home to living with my parents and as I have savings, I would find myself somewhere to live.

[quote Hayjela]@JSL52 she’s a SAHM[/quote]
Ok

In the kindest possible way, can you approach this as the fact there are three financial interests in this relationship. You, him and the trust. See them as separate entities.

Each can be separate, I'm really not seeing the issue if you are going into this eyes open and with professional advice.

@RantyAunty I wasn’t saving specifically for a deposit. He is slightly older than me so when I graduated, he was already in a well paid role. Thanks to savings I’ve had from student work to now - I have a healthy sum of money to fall back on if anything were to happen. The savings I have could have been used for a deposit but I wasn’t saving specifically for that. Once I found a graduate job which happens to be my current job and pays well, he mentioned the trust fund as I am very happy in my role and we know what area of the country we want to work in (both work in the same city).

@indignatio yes I have always seen it like this. Which is why I wanted to double check if I was doing the right thing with my plan

Please be aware that I am somewhat poacher come gamekeeper here. I advise trustees! Please seek formal advice

I’m reminded of the White Lotus newly married couple. Expect the ILs to turn up on the honeymoon.

Its worth noting op that if it was you who had the trust and weren't having children everyone would be advising you to do what ever was required to protect your assets. And that dp was a cocklodger only after an easy life.

‘Tis the MN way.

I am a strong believer in ring-fencing savings that come out every month after pay day. If you are not contributing to house costs, you must have substantial opportunity to save what would be rent/mortgage, and you need to put that into long term savings. Get advice on this. Maximise savings and look to acquire an asset (property) in your own name. Have you a pension?

Please please please take serious legal advice and never believe anything financial unless its written down etc even (especially) in relationships. People say kind things when they think they love you.

Given your saving capacity should be good with the current arrangement, I would be using that to save for your own deposit in a rental property which in the event of a separation would be yours.

It’s totally fine now, of course he wants to keep his trust, similarly of course you want to be saving and investing under your own name.
If it comes to getting married you do need to speak to a lawyer. It isn’t equitable if divorce would mean he gets half your savings and you get nothing as his are in a trust rather than owned by him. Similarly if he died you would want legal protection not promises from family members. But perhaps he has equivalent savings & investments from his job under his own name that would be joint assets in a marriage.

It’s a big red flag, especially if this is not what you want. You said that you were saving with the plan to buy a home together.

I agree. Never give up your financial independence.

Why get married then? Is marriage a cultural expectation?

Get legal advice.

@indignatio

In the kindest possible way, can you approach this as the fact there are three financial interests in this relationship. You, him and the trust. See them as separate entities.

This is the best way to look at it OP. As 3 different ‘people/entities’. And 2 of them are for your husband’s benefit. So you need to create a fourth one, that is for your benefit. Then, if the worst happens (and I hope it doesn’t!) you have options.

You’ve had advice here about what your fourth entity, or your “trust” could be - an asset like a house or money in retirement or separate savings, but there are three more important things here. One is that you get proper financial advice as to whatever you are saving in (house/retirement/bank account) will be all yours (and not claimable in a divorce/separation), in the same way the house is all his.

Secondly, you need to consistently save until you have approx the same value as a paid for home (or a paid for home, if that’s what you chose to put the money into). Don’t miss a month, don’t stop ‘because it’s Christmas’ or you are saving for a holiday - the money comes out every pay just like a mortgage or rent payment would. Compulsory. No exceptions.

Thirdly, don’t put the earnings of your asset back into the joint pot. If your house gives you income from the renter, that money goes back into the mortgage. If your investments pay interest, don’t see it as income, but more money to invest. Think if it like his trust - that house doesn’t pay you, so your investment shouldn’t either.

Doing this would mean that if you did separate in 5, 10 or 15 or 20 years, you would have a paid for, or partially paid for house to move into, while he kept your home. I assume all other assets (furniture, cash in accounts etc) would be split. It would even up the inequity that his/the trust’s ownership of the house has left you.

Apart from this one bit of savings from your pay, that is going to your one asset, everything else can be joined in your life. And if the worst never happens, you have a solid asset, a saving history and an asset to leave in future. It’s win/win.

However the above is no substitute for professional legal and financial advice.

Every argument he has the upper hand. Its ok for short term but may make you feel 'lesser' long term. However, as its a trust fund its also not really 'his' so maybe the two of you could look at putting your earnings to good use with a project or purchase together? So you are both essentially benefitting from the money that he has been given (but as an asset its his) but also building something joint.

OP, I suggest you talk to someone in real life (not BIL 's wife, it is inappropriate to ask her this question). MN believes that a man is always either cocklodger if the money is not provided or abusive/controlling if he pays for things. Your situation is great and can work. You have a chance to benefit from a free accommodation and save/investost of your income starting at a very young age. And I apploud you for beigg a decent person and not planning to take his (essentially his parents) money in case of divorce. The only thing I would do in your shoes is to get a legal advice to protect your future savings. His property might be in a trust fund, but yours will become a marital asset and are subject to share in case of divorce.

Can't say I'd be impressed with him wanting to keep the house you live in for himself. That means it will never feel like yours and you won't have a say, unless he lets you, in any purchases, alterations or decorating.

If you can, it would definitely be wise to buy something of your own. But to me it's not the right approach to a marriage. Equal shares in a property means you would be partners - to me that's what a marriage is and gives you both access to the funds if you divorce.

His family obviously do not want their dils getting any of their money, whereas they should be seeing them as members of their family. That would put me off the lot of them but maybe I'm old fashioned. I certainly would trust them to let you stay on in the event of his death. (Although wouldn't he leave it to you in his will)

Personally I'd reconsider the whole relationship.