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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He told her he loved her

51 replies

Dreadingggit · 21/09/2021 15:03

So I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over a year. I have posted a couple of days ago because to me he’s just been ‘off’. Anyway he’s insisted that he was fine.

He has a young child with another woman. He told me they were casually sleeping together and she fell pregnant, he didn’t want the baby but she kept it anyway. They were never together in a relationship. He hasn’t told her about me because he claims she will stop him seeing their child, they do seem to get on most of the time. Sometimes he would be so angry and rant to me when they argued, however she would always let him see their child. He said he couldn’t deal with seeing his child because he grew up without a dad, so telling her about me kind of fell by the wayside. They keep in contact most days.

Anyway, him and I were discussing taking our relationship to the next level, moving in etc. He told me to look on his phone because he had favourited some flats for us to look at. A message from his child’s mother came through saying “ haha why are you saying that, what do you want?” I clicked the message I know I should not have and they had been talking since about 6am this morning, joking etc. He said I love you lots, to which she asked him what he wants.

I’m so shocked really, he always implied they weren’t close, he never had a relationship with her they slept together three times. Now I asked him and he said of course he loves her as the mother of his child. I don’t really understand that and I can’t work out whether I’m being unreasonable.

So so long so if anyone has read the full thing thank you

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 21/09/2021 15:05

Oh please don't move in with him! Your life will be a complete misery if you do.

You've read his messages. You know what he thinks. He's not the man you thought he was. Time to end it.

BigButtons · 21/09/2021 15:06

I disagree with him. You should absolutely respect and support the mother of your child if you are not in an intimate relationship with them as a partner but love?
No.
Maybe he is confusing labels here
I wouldn’t be happy in your shoes and would want further conversations with him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2021 15:07

What HollowTalk wrote here. He is not the man you thought he was.

MrsMaizel · 21/09/2021 15:07

I’m so shocked really, he always implied they weren’t close, he never had a relationship with her they slept together three times

No this is what he TOLD you . Do yourself a huge favour and split from him .

Palavah · 21/09/2021 15:09

Run, run away

Dreadingggit · 21/09/2021 15:11

I thought we were in love. He doesn’t make me miserable he makes me happy. I haven’t felt like this before. And it’s all crumbling down. I told him he needs to tell her about me

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2021 15:15

I really would not bother because he has already proven himself to be untrustworthy and unreliable re the truth. Is he going to imply to her that you're a couple too?. I would leave both he and he ex partner to each other because they are all that the other deserves. You deserve better, raise your relationship bar too.

Northeastsouthwest21 · 21/09/2021 15:19

@Dreadingggit He is playing you both here. Why would you stay with him now after you know this?

BlueberrySugar · 21/09/2021 15:23

You will always care for the person you had a child with.
Saying you love them is a bit different and definitely not the same as caring for them.

The fact he kept you secret makes me think he is probably actually with her.

Dreadingggit · 21/09/2021 15:23

I wouldn’t stay with him I just think she should know too.

I just feel hurt and disappointed that he’s lied to me. He says he hasn’t lied but he obviously has

OP posts:
seensome · 21/09/2021 15:52

He's trying to gaslight you, you wouldn't say I love you lots to someone you're not involved with, he still is seeing her.

I'm not sure I'd bother telling her, he doesn't live with them or ever has done, she must know she's being treated as something casual, it's her problem.

Just make a clean break away from all that drama.

Shellfishblastard · 21/09/2021 15:53

But what was the context? What was the chat leading up to this?

Tresal · 21/09/2021 16:13

He is also lying about his reasons for not telling the other woman about you. Why would someone he was never in a relationship with care if he had a girlfriend? She would hardly expect him to remain single for his entire life. Their relationship sounds far more involved than he is letting on.

MsDogLady · 21/09/2021 16:26

Lately I’ve just had this feeling, that he doesn’t feel the same way I do.…he seems to care about me but we seem more like friends.

Those are your words from a few days ago. Now you know why he has changed. He has been investing his emotional energy elsewhere, right under your nose. He loves her romantically and they are indeed close. That is why he won’t tell her about you.

OP, I know this is gutting, but he is a liar/manipulator. Walk away and leave them to it. Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/09/2021 16:33

How could you even consider moving in with someone who has a child that you haven’t met? How would that work?!

girlmom21 · 21/09/2021 16:33

To be honest, I don't know why you're expecting better from the man who refused to tell her you exist.

Why would moving in with you help that situation at all? She's not exactly going to let her child come to your home if she's the kind of woman to stop him seeing his child just for having a girlfriend.

They've never sorted what their relationship actually is. If there's this much jealousy, emotion etc, they're clearly more than two people co-parenting.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/09/2021 16:34

You will always care for the person you had a child with.

Not remotely true. This board alone shows that, millions of people loathe and detest the other parent of their child(ren).

Dreadingggit · 21/09/2021 16:39

He claimed she had feelings for him, he didn’t and he made it clear he didn’t want a relationship with her. He thought it would be best if we gave her space and time to get over him, move on then when we’ve moved in together we then tell her.

I wasn’t planning on being a secret forever. I know he’s lied, it’s just so shit

OP posts:
dworky · 21/09/2021 16:48

Oh OP, this selfish, uncompassionate man is of no use to either of you. He will hurt & cause havoc in your lives & is anything but father material.

Please be kind to yourself & walk away from him x

AnyFucker · 21/09/2021 16:51

Move on.

WTAFFF · 21/09/2021 16:51

He needs to go OP

WobblingMoon · 21/09/2021 16:52

I've been in this exact situation. He's either lying to you and there's more to his relationship with her, or he's an emotional coward and doesn't want to "rock the boat" with his ex (by telling her about you). It's probably a mixture of both. He's telling you what he needs to to keep you from ending the relationship, and he's likely doing the same with her.

If he tells her about you, because you force the issue, he will tell her a half truth. He's started seeing someone but it's not serious, etc.... I know you love him, but really everyone deserves better than this. Including her.

When I was going through the same thing, I used to come on here reading similar threads. NONE OF THEM end with the man having told the truth.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 21/09/2021 16:57

He thought it would be best if we gave her space and time to get over him

But even that's not true, he's not given her time and space if they'd been messaging all day

samwitwicky · 21/09/2021 16:57

Walk away with your head held high.

You deserve better x

HalzTangz · 21/09/2021 16:59

@Dreadingggit

He claimed she had feelings for him, he didn’t and he made it clear he didn’t want a relationship with her. He thought it would be best if we gave her space and time to get over him, move on then when we’ve moved in together we then tell her.

I wasn’t planning on being a secret forever. I know he’s lied, it’s just so shit

Yet the reverse seems to be true

He loves her and hasn't gotten over her.

He didn't tell her about you because it's her he wants to be with. If she finds out about you she's likely to sever any 'reunion' with him

The him he tells her now as in right now or he he clears off back to her