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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He told her he loved her

51 replies

Dreadingggit · 21/09/2021 15:03

So I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over a year. I have posted a couple of days ago because to me he’s just been ‘off’. Anyway he’s insisted that he was fine.

He has a young child with another woman. He told me they were casually sleeping together and she fell pregnant, he didn’t want the baby but she kept it anyway. They were never together in a relationship. He hasn’t told her about me because he claims she will stop him seeing their child, they do seem to get on most of the time. Sometimes he would be so angry and rant to me when they argued, however she would always let him see their child. He said he couldn’t deal with seeing his child because he grew up without a dad, so telling her about me kind of fell by the wayside. They keep in contact most days.

Anyway, him and I were discussing taking our relationship to the next level, moving in etc. He told me to look on his phone because he had favourited some flats for us to look at. A message from his child’s mother came through saying “ haha why are you saying that, what do you want?” I clicked the message I know I should not have and they had been talking since about 6am this morning, joking etc. He said I love you lots, to which she asked him what he wants.

I’m so shocked really, he always implied they weren’t close, he never had a relationship with her they slept together three times. Now I asked him and he said of course he loves her as the mother of his child. I don’t really understand that and I can’t work out whether I’m being unreasonable.

So so long so if anyone has read the full thing thank you

OP posts:
Bopahula · 21/09/2021 17:02

It almost seems like you're the OW in this situation.

I know it hurts, but dig deep, hold your head up high and tell him it's over. He's a liar, shady as fuck and untrustworthy. You deserve so much more than that.

Block him and move on. Cry but don't show him that, and keep moving forwards.
Honestly. He is not the one for you.

spotcheck · 21/09/2021 17:07

Now I asked him and he said of course he loves her as the mother of his child

My eyes cannot roll hard enough.

Thankfully, you found out he's a duplicitous ass before you moved in/married him/ had children with him.

Tristatearea · 21/09/2021 17:12

Thank goodness you found out now, not when you were 6 months pregnant with your 2nd child with him.

Walk smartly away from this time waster and find someone who actually wants to be your partner, not back with his ex.

TheFoundations · 21/09/2021 17:24

He thought it would be best if we gave her space and time to get over him

By messaging her with 'I love you'?

Sorry, OP, you must be really upset, but you need to walk away. The fact that he's still claiming he hasn't lied is really shit. He doesn't deserve another word from you.

layladomino · 21/09/2021 17:33

Oh bless you. He has lied. He's telling another woman he loves her... that has to mean the end of your relationship doesn't it?

When he says he loves her as the mother of his child, that's a poor excuse. You don't love someone just because they are the mother or father of your child (there will be plenty of people on here who will testify that they might be able to stay friends with an ex but wouldn't claim to love them - certainly not in the 'I love you' sense).

And he says they were never an item, so when did this love develop?

He's clearly been lying. Saying 'I love you' to another woman in this way is a clear indicator. If he's told the truth and she wanted to be with him but he didn't want that, why would he tell her repeatedly he loves her?

I'm so sorry but he doesn't deserve you.

LowlandLucky · 21/09/2021 17:44

More mess than a midden. Are you sure you are not the OW ?

Closetbeanmuncher · 21/09/2021 17:59

Absolutely no way I would be continuing it.

Lweji · 21/09/2021 18:03

I think it's quite clear you are the other woman.

Are you going to dump him?

PermanentTemporary · 21/09/2021 18:04

I would write down what he's actually done and not done, not what he's said. It sounds as if he will say pretty much anything to anyone.

sadie9 · 21/09/2021 18:08

He has both of you dancing attendance on him and he loves it.
He's a player who thinks he can keep the two of you like a pair of puppets on a string.
He clicks his fingers and either you or her come running. All it takes is a few nice texts.
Don't be blind to what he's doing or what sort of person he is. He shagged someone behind your back and they have a baby.
Stop falling for his lies. Notice how you are blaming that other woman rather than see him in a bad light. He didn't want the baby (what a nice guy!) but that bold evil woman kept her baby anyway.
There's nothing you can do with shit like this. It'll never be right because he doesn't see that he's doing anything wrong.
Dump him and the sooner the better.

Dreadingggit · 21/09/2021 18:08

I don’t think they’re together. We’ve made it “ official” on social media, and his family and friends know about me. I know it sounds like a lot of he said but that’s all I have.

He stopped staying there to help out because I didn’t agree with it.

OP posts:
Dreadingggit · 21/09/2021 18:10

I will say He didn’t sleep with her behind my back. That I know of!

I met him when the baby was already born. I just think it was such a complicated situation. I really believed he loved me. I know relationships end, I’m going to have the biggest wine tonight. I’ve come home and blocked him because I really don’t trust him and it’s not like she’s going anywhere

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 21/09/2021 18:23

If he is telling the truth and she wanted a relationship with him then he is a total shot to still tell her he loves her. Even if it is as friends.

He is stringing you both along, at best.

You already know what the worst case senario is.

GatoradeMeBitch · 21/09/2021 18:27

He said I love you lots, to which she asked him what he wants. I’m so shocked really, he always implied they weren’t close, he never had a relationship with her they slept together three times. Now I asked him and he said of course he loves her as the mother of his child

Gaslighty as fuck.

Particularly when he has been telling you they were never close, now you caught him out he moves the goalposts.

You can't trust this person.

GatoradeMeBitch · 21/09/2021 18:30

I will say He didn’t sleep with her behind my back. That I know of!

Yesterday you would have sworn that he never told her he loves her.

You only have his word that he hasn't been carrying on with her, and his word doesn't seem to count for very much.

SleepingBunnies21 · 21/09/2021 18:31

He's playing a double game, noone tells a woman they love them loads just because they're the mother of his child while he's in a relationship with another woman at that.

Sounds like he wants to keep on onside/attached/involved.

And let's face it, even if she really tried to stop.him from seeing his child if he got into another relationship, he could go to court to get access..inconvenient etc but she couldn't stop him unless she made some serious claims that were substantiated.

Some men never want anyvwoman they've been involved with to move on, even when they themselves have moved on. Reminds me of Dan Osbourne abd his ex/mother of his child

SleepingBunnies21 · 21/09/2021 18:32

I also don't believe him about their relationship. I think he massively minimised it.

bigbaggyeyes · 21/09/2021 18:37

It's too early in the relationship for it to be this hard. You should be excited and happy to be moving in with him, not worrying about wether he's lied or slept with another woman

SleepingBunnies21 · 21/09/2021 18:40

I've seen a few guys like this. For whatever reason- convenience, possessiveness, whatever; they want let (if they get away with it) the mothers of their kids move on, even when they move on themselves; even having more kids with other women. They're always schmoozing, always telling each woman she's the one they really love/want, always massively minisung their involvement with other women, always playing the women off against each other.

One I know was so good at it, he had his Ed (and mother of child) baby sitting his kids with the woman he overlapped with her. He moved on, impregnated and got engaged to woman no 2, while still engaging romantically with number 1. She list a tonne of weight and had mh problems when she found out about the engagement. She joined us one NYE and I noticed he was still phoning her, checking up on where she was, who she was with and schmoozing her. They want a soft harem. In his eyes, number was still his even after he moved on to.number 2.

Do you let someone like this play you. He'll make you another baby mama. He'll.also make you insecure, stressed and miserable.

Lweji · 21/09/2021 19:07

He didn’t sleep with her behind my back. That I know of!

He didn't make the baby behind your back. That is all you know.

Monstertrucks · 21/09/2021 20:02

Oh dear OP I'm so sorry.

It sounds like you should run for the hills.

I'm thinking he's dragging you along as his back up plan.

Keep him blocked and have your wine and a cry. Hold your head high and walk away. Flowers

litterbird · 21/09/2021 20:25

Sorry OP you must be devastated. They have been having a nice relationship whether it be co parenting or a full on relationship without your knowledge. Your partner is still in love with her. He has kept you secret because he still wants her and her finding out about you will mean she will step away and he doesn’t want that. Drink your wine, cry and move on. X

WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo · 21/09/2021 20:30

@Bopahula

It almost seems like you're the OW in this situation.

I know it hurts, but dig deep, hold your head up high and tell him it's over. He's a liar, shady as fuck and untrustworthy. You deserve so much more than that.

Block him and move on. Cry but don't show him that, and keep moving forwards.
Honestly. He is not the one for you.

This. Just block do not dignify yourself with explaining. He is in a relationship with her. Plus he clearly can’t use contraception and assumed it was all her responsibility.
Dragon50 · 22/09/2021 05:06

Her response is interesting.

She didn’t take the bait and instead brushed him off, she saw through that bullshit.

That indicates to me that she isn’t hankering for him at all.

Get rid OP. He is gaslighting you while trying to draw mum in.

PinotPony · 22/09/2021 11:48

@Dreadingggit

He claimed she had feelings for him, he didn’t and he made it clear he didn’t want a relationship with her. He thought it would be best if we gave her space and time to get over him, move on then when we’ve moved in together we then tell her.

I wasn’t planning on being a secret forever. I know he’s lied, it’s just so shit

He's gaslighting you, claiming she is the one pursuing him. Her response - laughing at him - would suggest otherwise.

He's a manipulative liar. Get rid.

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