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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Missing my (male) friend

52 replies

Chainbreaker · 20/09/2021 11:33

I have a fair few male friends, I do hobbies with some and generally get on better with men that woman.
I do have female friends who I also see and spend time with so it's not like my only friends are male.

One of my friends has a very jealous partner and has given him the ultimatum that he stops spending time with me or their relationship ends. He had not told her we had been to collect something together and she presumed it was a date. I think he has barely mentioned me before due to her jealousy.
He has obviously chosen to remain in his relationship.
We perhaps saw each other once a week or perhaps twice at the most, mainly with other people.

I don't expect him to put me before her.
I told him he should sort out his relationship and do what he needs to do.

But he's still messaging me most days and today has said he's gutted we can't do something we had planned and he's missing me. I didn't reply. Then he phoned and said similar.
I do miss him and would love for things to return to before but likewise I don't want to cause trouble between him and his partner.

I always thought friendships were a two way thing but not prepared to be his secret friend. But I really miss him and his support.
I've had fall outs / drifted away from people before and it's been just how it is. This feels really tough.
How do I get over it?

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 20/09/2021 11:46

You mean his wife has found out you are having an emotional affair.

Are you both physically attracted to one another?

LST · 20/09/2021 11:49

@Onthedunes

You mean his wife has found out you are having an emotional affair.

Are you both physically attracted to one another?

Where has the op indicated they're having an emotional affair ffs.

Op it's a shame. But you need to step back, like you say you don't want to be a secret.

Whysitalwaysme · 20/09/2021 11:49

Your kidding yourself that its a platonic friendship

Divebar2021 · 20/09/2021 11:55

Some women are jealous and controlling but we must never say that. We must always blame something else and today it’s your turn OP. I’d miss my friend too… whatever the sex

ClaryFairchild · 20/09/2021 11:56

I wouldn't be a secret friend either. Tell him, if he chooses the relationship over your friendship (which ordinarily is the right thing to do, but in some cases this demand highlights a controlling relationship) then he needs to own it. He's made his decision - end of. These little txts and phone calls are out of order and need to stop.

Original poster

Chainbreaker · 20/09/2021 12:03

Wow. I wasn't expecting that!!
I'm not attracted to him sexually. I've never got a vibe he is attracted to me.
As I say, I've got a lot of male friends and pretty sure i would be able to tell.

OP posts:

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 20/09/2021 12:05

The messaging you most days behind his wife's back could mean she has good reason to be jealous tbh

meloonhead · 20/09/2021 12:09

I won't lie, if I was his partner I wouldn't be happy with this. The texting and calls accusing me of jealousy. If she really is controlling and horrible, he needs to leave.

Whether or not you fancy him, I don't think her unhappiness is that unreasonable. As someone else said, if he's sticking with her, he should actually do that, and not do things behind her back

GreenClock · 20/09/2021 12:14

He shouldn’t be asking you to be complicit in this secrecy. Either you’re a mate, or you’re not. Don’t put up with it.

Coronawireless · 20/09/2021 12:15

Your friend doesn’t sound that nice actually. Seeing you behind his girlfriend’s back because apparently she is jealous and controlling. If she is, why is he with her? And if she is not, why is he acting as if she is? He sounds a bit weak.

LST · 20/09/2021 12:15

@YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake

The messaging you most days behind his wife's back could mean she has good reason to be jealous tbh

My dp messages friends of both sexes and I dont ask who it is he is messaging. Does that mean he is doing it behind my back? Same applies the other way round. I'd best start telling him everytime I message someone with a penis

yousawthewholeofthemoon · 20/09/2021 12:16

" and generally get on better with men that woman."

I'm always a bit suspicious when someone says this.

Coronawireless · 20/09/2021 12:18

@lst
Does your dp message his female friends every day and say he is gutted he can’t see them because you are so jealous and controlling?

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 20/09/2021 12:18

LST, if your husband was messaging someone you already had concerns about, and he had agreed to stop having a relationship with, you honestly wouldn't see it as messaging behind your back? Not the same as telling him every time you message a friend of the opposite sex

LST · 20/09/2021 12:21

But why are there concerns? Is there any reason to be concerned? If not then he should leave as I could not be controlled like that.

And my dp works with one of his best female friends so he actually sees her more than me 5 days a week.

SingingInTheShithouse · 20/09/2021 12:25

I'm another with long time male friends & have on occasion lost contact/friendship over their jealous partners & it's generally upsetting when only DH is allowed to talk to them & ive been friends much longer. So I get that but.

That's not what's going on here though & you are very naive to think otherwise. The daily texting is excessive

You may not have any designs on him, but either that's not how it is for him, or he's enjoying the drama of seemingly having women fighting over him too much. I'd step away & let him sort himself out.

JovialNickname · 20/09/2021 12:27

You don't sound like you fancy him, but he sounds like he fancies you. Not telling his partner "Oh I went and picked up that Amazon delivery and Chain breakers tagged along" is weird, as is him sending you "secret" texts telling you he misses you, followed up by a clandestine phone call (because his partner doesn't know) saying the same.

LST · 20/09/2021 12:29

[quote Coronawireless]@lst
Does your dp message his female friends every day and say he is gutted he can’t see them because you are so jealous and controlling?[/quote]
Well no... Because I aren't jealous and controlling?

LST · 20/09/2021 12:30

@YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake

But why does he need to hide it? I couldn't be in a relationship where I couldn't be friends with who I wanted

Coronawireless · 20/09/2021 12:39

Yes so the point people have made on the thread is that if she IS so unreasonably and irrationally jealous and controlling then why is he staying with her? And fuelling her jealousy?

LST · 20/09/2021 12:45

@Coronawireless

Yes so the point people have made on the thread is that if she IS so unreasonably and irrationally jealous and controlling then why is he staying with her? And fuelling her jealousy?

They could have kids?

Original poster

Chainbreaker · 20/09/2021 12:46

Food for thought here.
We didn't message every day but perhaps the fact I've withdrawn from our friendship as I said I would has made him think and become slightly more eager?
As far as I'm concerned he was a good friend and that's it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chainbreaker · 20/09/2021 12:50

I don't think I'm the only female he hadn't told his partner about. In fact I have just remembered one of our mutual female friends went to his house and his partner was quite rude to her. Obviously this could have been a bad day or any other number of reasons but the mutual friend did comment that she wasn't welcome

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 20/09/2021 13:24

@Chainbreaker

Food for thought here. We didn't message every day but perhaps the fact I've withdrawn from our friendship as I said I would has made him think and become slightly more eager? As far as I'm concerned he was a good friend and that's it.

This whole post suggests this is not a platonic relationship.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 20/09/2021 13:31

I lost most of my make friends once they got married. There'd never been anything other than friendship between us, and in fact I'd been with my husband for longer than I'd known any of them, but their wives just didn't want them having a close female friend.

It makes me sad and I miss them, but I don't think it's unusual. You see it quite a lot on here, an awful lot of women would actually rather their husbands didn't have any close relationships outside of them and their DC, but especially not with other women. Must be hard, being that deeply insecure.

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