Missing my (male) friend

[Chainbreaker]

I have a fair few male friends, I do hobbies with some and generally get on better with men that woman.
I do have female friends who I also see and spend time with so it's not like my only friends are male.

One of my friends has a very jealous partner and has given him the ultimatum that he stops spending time with me or their relationship ends. He had not told her we had been to collect something together and she presumed it was a date. I think he has barely mentioned me before due to her jealousy.
He has obviously chosen to remain in his relationship.
We perhaps saw each other once a week or perhaps twice at the most, mainly with other people.

I don't expect him to put me before her.
I told him he should sort out his relationship and do what he needs to do.

But he's still messaging me most days and today has said he's gutted we can't do something we had planned and he's missing me. I didn't reply. Then he phoned and said similar.
I do miss him and would love for things to return to before but likewise I don't want to cause trouble between him and his partner.

I always thought friendships were a two way thing but not prepared to be his secret friend. But I really miss him and his support.
I've had fall outs / drifted away from people before and it's been just how it is. This feels really tough.
How do I get over it?

It could be that he puts more effort into his other female friendships and not the one with his partner and she's fed up with it. Or he has form for cheating. Or she's needy and/or controlling.

The secret massages after he's been asked to stop aren't great though. It's disrespectful to both you and her. I'm sorry you miss your friend, but I wouldn't like being made secret either.

I take part in a male dominated hobby and on more than one occasion I've had a similar situation arise. Part of this hobby might mean we all go away as a group for a weekend. Twice now a male participant hasn't come on the trip because there will be 2 females going. I find it utterly ridiculous. These people are friends and we have a shared hobby. I'm happily married and I'm not in the least bit attracted to these men, and even if I was I'd never do anything about it. It truly annoys me to be given the cold shoulder and dirty looks from the wives or girlfriends of these men, just because I happen to be female.

He needs to put on his big boy pants and act accordingly.

Either he is willing to cut off your friendship because she's requested him to or he isn't willing to do so.

He can't say he's cutting you off then have a secret friendship like a teenager caught up in drama and angers.

He's making you complicit in making this look like it's not innocent even if it is. That's a dick move from him that makes him a shitty friend tbh.

If his relationship with her is his priority to the extent that, rightly or wrongly, he agrees to drop a friend then he should have the courage of his convictions and do so.

He clearly thinks she is being unreasonable so he needs to grow up, tell her he won't be dropping you and she can make a decision about whether she wants to stay with him.

He's trying to keep a foot in both camps, say the right thing to both of you and frankly sounds like a bit of a coward.

If she's jealous and controlling, he should be focusing on ending the relationship not doing things that increase the likelihood of her being jealous and controlling...

@Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails

It could be that he puts more effort into his other female friendships and not the one with his partner and she's fed up with it. Or he has form for cheating. Or she's needy and/or controlling.

The secret massages after he's been asked to stop aren't great though. It's disrespectful to both you and her. I'm sorry you miss your friend, but I wouldn't like being made secret either.

I must admit I'd have a problem if dp gave secret massages 😂

Definitely platonic as far as I'm concerned.

Is the hobby cars and did you post about this before?

@Chainbreaker

Definitely platonic as far as I'm concerned.

But do you believe he feels the same ?

Acts of kindness in a marriage or partnership are what fuels affection and intimacy. If his love language is that of 'doing things' to show he cares then his wife may feel pushed out.

He is spending an extraordinarly large ammount of time attending to you, texts, phone calls, shopping together, meet ups three times a week.

He is losing his friendship with his partner because you are monopolising his time.

Not posted about this before but it is a motorsport in which he has a lot of experience and I'm a relative newcomer.

I didn't think he had feelings for me but maybe I've missed any signs.

We haven't spent a lot of time together at the expense of his relationship. Meet ups / hobby things have mainly been with a group but occasionally just him and I. Same can be said for him and others and I and others

I don't know what his love language is. I do know his partner hasnt attended any events with him. Some partners do, some don't but obviously there haven't been any for 18 months.

Reading some responses have made me question his intentions and my reactions to this situation.

@Chainbreaker

Definitely platonic as far as I'm concerned.

Emotional affairs do not involve sex. But they do involve

-missing each other if you don’t have contact.

• a lot of contact and chat that excludes others especially spouses.
• deliberate secrecy from spouses.

You tick a lot of boxes.

Wife doing the right thing trying to put a stop to it.

Rightly or wrongly tongues will wag and the negative gossip will be about you not him. This could jeopardise your involvement with the sport.

Maybe your friend is with the wrong person.

Seeing you and texting you behind her back is inappropriate.

I'd definitely not be happy if my DP was doing that.

Although his Partner has set a boundary, he has continued to secretly message you most days. He is now both messaging and calling to say he is gutted and missing you. His dismissive, deceptive behavior is certainly inappropriate. If he feels that and his P have incompatible boundaries, he should end their relationship.

His sneaky behavior, daily messaging, and reaching out in two ways to express his distress suggest an intensity that goes beyond platonic feelings.

OP, instead of women always assuming it's the other woman's fault, and she's crazy/controlling/whatever, maybe consider HE'S the problem.

It doesn't sound like he's purely platonic with you. Bitching about his gf behind her back is deeply disrespectful, messaging you and calling you to tell you he misses you behind her back is deeply disrespectful. Would you like it if you had a bf who bitched about you behind your back?

If she is so controlling, why is he with her? And if he has agreed to not be in contact with you, why is he lying to her?

I would assume she knows him well, and can read signs that he has stronger feelings for you that you have missed. And has only stayed with him because he's probably blamed you, or has made a whole bunch of insincere promises. Either way I would NEVER trust the intentions of anyone who can lie to their partner, and share relationship secrets with someone else.

Just because you see him as purely platonic, doesn't mean he feels the same. In this case, tell him he either has the balls to come clean to his gf and let her make her own decision whether to stay/go based on the truth or you will be taking space. He has no business getting his gf to stay with him by lying to her, and no business involving you in his mess.

Frankly, anyone who won't end their relationship but carries on seeing someone behind their partner's back has ulterior motives - in the friendship and relationship. Please do not believe the BS he tells you about their relationship - unless he's very dumb or very vulnerable, I find it hard to believe he'd stay with someone so controlling or crazy. He's just using both of you in different ways.

Also, have you actually met his partner, or made any effort to invite her to things/get to know her? Has he invited her to things you do together, or tells her 'no partners allowed'. How do you even know for sure she has a problem with you and he isn't the one who tells her you don't want to engage with her, fuelling her insecurity.

Friendships should exist in the fabric of someone's life and expand to include the relationship - not exist on the periphery while excluding the partner. Do you think you and he have done enough to include her?

OK. So I think on reflection, I must have missed a couple of signs along the way.
I've had a missed call and a message asking me to meet up for a walk.
I didn't respond to either.

I briefly met his partner as I joined the club but the same can be said for other partners of members.

Think the best place for him is the mute button whilst I decipher what the heck has happened. Feel totally confused right now.

A walk? He couldn’t care less about his Partner’s feelings. He has a crush on you, Chainbreaker.

He definitely sees this as more than just friends, I think you have missed stuff, and tbf, if in response to him saying he misses you, you said the same, then that will have egged him on.
If one of your other male friends said they couldn't see you anymore, and you'd feel just as sad, then ok. But if he's become your favourite friend lately, and you miss him more than you would others, then you are lying to yourself and this has snuck up on you.
You've stepped away, and he is now chasing, that shows you where he's coming from. Some men really can't manage platonic friendships with women, but that's on them. It's sometimes disappointing to find that someone was friendly to you, not just itn the name of friendship, but because they fancied you, but it's going to happen occasionally if you prefer men as friends.

No wonder this friendship made you euphoric, he has been persuing you, putting you above his wife, placing you first and you have allowed that to happen.

Do you understand what has been happening at home with his wife? Do you understand how toxic it must be for her, whilst he is busy gaslighting her trying to make her believe it is just a friendship you are actively helping him destroy the woman.
You state she is jealous and insecure, you have even expressed this with friends who have joined his flying monkeys in trying to smear her name with false accusations.

Her mental health is suffering and you have said you had no idea about this creeping up on you.
The truth will out at some point just as this thread has gone from to support of your problem to you having your eyes opened and the realisation that you are both at fault.

Personally it sounds as though he has form for this, I hope his wife dumps his ass at some point, because to me he is just a lying, gaslighting bastard who does not know how to care for his wife.

He's an unkind man who is actively destroying his wife's mental health and peace of mind and you are enabling him.

I think its fair enough to have friends of the opposite sex if you all meet up in a group together with other friends and maybe the odd private message to talk about something specific. I wouldn't want my significant other spending lots of time alone with another woman once or twice a week. Especially as I have a 5 year old and so that would be taking time away from us as a family on top of work.

If I was in this situation I would tell him that you're happy to continue the friendship but not in any way that goes behind his girlfriends back, so no secret calls/texts or meet ups. And maybe just see him with other friends as part of your friendship group from now on as a compromise if his girlfriend was more comfortable with that. It might also help if his girlfriend was invited along to any social things so that she could get to know you.

If he continues to call you, text you and tell you that he misses you behind her back he is probably fishing to see how much you want him in my opinion.

Lots of gaslighting the OP in this thread into thinking a shared hobby and platonic messages = an emotional affair or even inappropriate.

The wife sounds controlling, jealous and insecure. Not surprising that her actions would be relatable to the legion of MNers who refuse to believe that men and women can be platonic friends.

I wouldn't let any partner dictate who I could be friends with or when I could message them, nor would I feel the need to keep them updated on who I was messaging or who I was collecting things with. I certainly don't demand this information of DP. So IMO he's being unreasonably weak in staying with his controlling wife.

That sucks for you and I'm very sorry. Nothing to be done about it though - as with any friend stuck in a controlling relationship, all you can do is be there for them if they ever escape it.

I disagree with the majority here OP. I have a couple of very close male friends who I've known for a long time, nothing romantic/sexual has ever happened and never will but I'd miss them hugely if they went away
So I DON'T think its an emotional affair. Would that be said if this was a female friend in his shoes? You'd miss them, so don't jump to conclusions that he has other intentions.

On the other hand, I am 100% with you about not being a secret friend. It makes it feel like you're doing something wrong when you're not. So I do think he needs to man up here and either tell his girlfriend he's not prepared cut you off, or walk away from the friendship. Treating you as a dirty secret isn't on.

I’m the same as you OP and have quite a few male friends, it does seem to get tricky when they are in relationships, it seems women don’t like there partner being friends with another female. I’m sure it happens the other way around too (well I know it does), when I have been in relationships there has been jealousy and suspicion around my ‘male friends’. For me it’s one of the reasons I stay single as I wouldn’t want to lose my friends due to a jealous partner.

Have you actually met his partner? I don’t see why you can’t do things with her there too? Though I guess it depends if she’s into the same things.

I think you just need to step back and let him deal with it, she obviously doesn’t trust him with you.

It’s sad that woman can’t just be friends with men without people assuming it’s more.

What a lot of unnecessary drama. Fortunately my longterm male friends don’t seem to choose as partners possessive loons who scent an ‘emotional affair’ around every corner.

Can you seriously not see why his wife should be wary of her husband’s relationship with you? Not necessarily because of your behaviour, certainly so far it doesn’t seem to have veered off the friendship path, but of his behaviour so far.

When you get married there is often a certain level of loyalty expected, but it sometimes not given by one partner or the other. Reading your description of her husband’s behaviour he is falling well short of that loyalty threshold with his behaviour with you.

Give it another while and you can get to the “my wife doesn’t understand me” cliche. I work as an engineer so I have ended up with tonnes of male friends of the years, none of them text me secretly and meet up secretly and go behind their wife’s backs and nor do I. That is an inappropriate friendship by any standard, including yours? Maybe?

@gannett

Lots of gaslighting the OP in this thread into thinking a shared hobby and platonic messages = an emotional affair or even inappropriate.

The wife sounds controlling, jealous and insecure. Not surprising that her actions would be relatable to the legion of MNers who refuse to believe that men and women can be platonic friends.

I wouldn't let any partner dictate who I could be friends with or when I could message them, nor would I feel the need to keep them updated on who I was messaging or who I was collecting things with. I certainly don't demand this information of DP. So IMO he's being unreasonably weak in staying with his controlling wife.

That sucks for you and I'm very sorry. Nothing to be done about it though - as with any friend stuck in a controlling relationship, all you can do is be there for them if they ever escape it.

Of course the man's wife/partner sounds insecure and controlling. We only have third hand information about her. His wife probably doesn't understand him.

You are using the word gaslighting incorrectly.

I have been in the wife's position, and I never dictated who he could be friends with until I found that it was an EA (Me or her), but of course I was 'controlling' and all sorts of other things. I'm now the psycho ex.