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Original poster

How Often Can/Should I See My Daughter?

59 replies

Casio363 · 20/09/2021 08:55

Hey forum, a few weeks back myself and the other half unfortunately called it a day on our relationship of 7 years. We didn't end it on terrible grounds, it was more of a mutual agreement that we were always bickering, arguing and that the spark was gone. I have given her space as requested but she doesn't want to speak to me about anything other than our daughter, who lives with her and is 2 years and 4 months old.

So far I have been seeing her round at her house every other evening for approximately 1hr 15 - 1hr 30 mins. I don't get to feed her anymore and bathing her is well out of the question, even though I ask almost every time as bathing her was always my role at the time - so I naturally thought it would be nice to carry this on with my daughter.

I have been calm and accepted her decision for the time-being, to let things heal and see if she would change her views. She hasn't, she is like a battle-axe at times. She kinda dictates to me what times I can see my daughter, and where. There is no way she would allow me to take her out of the house for a couple hours over to mine (I only live 2 mins drive up the road by the way), so I have respected her decision to "keep things the same for our daughter" and see her at the ex's house. I don't mind this in a way but I do feel rather dictated to.

Weekends I can see her one of the days for about 3 hours...our daughter is 2yrs and 4 months old as I said, so she still takes a 90min-2hr afternoon nap after she's had dinner. I haven't even thought about asking if I could have her for the full day and get her back in the evening for bath and bed, or even for teatime as I know my ex will flat out refuse to disrupt her routine of napping at her house. Is it unreasonable for me to now begin to think that actually I could have her for the majority of the time and to include nap, as long as our daughter does cope with and go to sleep at nap time?

Considering I live a 2 min drive away and I've kept my head and been mature about the whole breakup, when actually it was me who ended up wanting her back and now she doesn't want that...so I've been in a rough place since it happened but I am thinking very clearly and feel free again now. It's just that other people are telling me she is dictating too much and I should be able to bathe her and see her for more than 1hr 15mins during weekday visits? Especially at the weekend, to have her for the full day? I just don't want to argue with her to be honest, but I do want what is best for my daughter more than anything. I also want to see her at every opportunity, naturally.

Any further advice from you guys would be taken on board with great appreciation

OP posts:

asadlittleflower · 20/09/2021 09:04

You are entitled to see your daughter at your place.A lot of fathers go the court route because then access is fixed in stone and your ex partner is not allowed to chop and change. The starting point these days is 50/50 shared parenting but the traditional standard used to be one night during the week and every other weekend.
If you ex makes it difficult, keep a diary of the communication between you. Parental alienation is now a crime and she does not have the right to act as the gatekeeper to your daughter. Family courts will take a dim view of that kind of controlling behaviour.
Be fair, be consistent and suggest a rota that works for all of you. One third of fathers end up alienated from their children. That is why a set in stone court ordered arrangement is best.
Don't give up on your daughter

category12 · 20/09/2021 09:05

You should be able to have your dd overnight and for weekends, assuming no safeguarding issues.

I think it would be weird to be bathing and doing bedtimes etc at your ex's house, but you should be having contact time at your new home, unless it's madly unsuitable/unsafe for a child.

I would ask for reasonable access, whatever that looks like for you, whatever is sustainable for you. If you want 50/50, or every other weekend and a night in the week, or whatever, put it to her and if she won't allow it, you may need to take her to court.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 20/09/2021 09:06

Strongly suggest you see a solicitor for legal advise. And/or a mediation service.

Were you married?
Are you on the birth certificate?

Legally you are entitled to see her for far longer than your ex is allowing, a court would start negotiations at 50/50. But your daughter is still very young and stability is key. So she may need time to adjust.

Original poster

Casio363 · 20/09/2021 09:10

@Terminallysleepdeprived

Strongly suggest you see a solicitor for legal advise. And/or a mediation service.

Were you married?
Are you on the birth certificate?

I'm on the birth certificate although we were not married. I think dd needs to be with her mum more than me as she is so young and I work full-time whereas she works part-time. So yes, stability needs to be key but to know it could be as close as 50/50 is an eye-opener to me because right now it's more than 95/05!

OP posts:

Elieza · 20/09/2021 09:16

She’s punishing you by using dc as a weapon. How sad.

You refer to previously feeding dc so I take it she’s not breast feeding so there would be no issue mum and baby being apart for a bit longer?

Is there any reason why you can’t have dc at yours - dodgy flat mates, lack of carpeting, dangerous dog etc?

Sounds like you need to get things properly sorted out. With a court order if necessary. Go for 50/50 if you can (if you can’t due to work then go for as near to that as possible). It’s good you’re close as that will help for nursery and school pick up and drop offs.

If she keeps dc you have to pay more child support so she may want to keep her more to keep you away and get more money from you.

A good parent should be paying for half the child’s needs though without it being court ordered. Stinting on payment would affect your child, your most loved thing in the world, so you wouldn’t do that.

I hope she sees sense. Who wouldn’t want to take their child for a day at a country park or at the seaside etc. If she doesn’t get a grip you’ll not be able to.

KarmaViolet · 20/09/2021 09:16

Was your "rough place" your ex's "he's marinating in a vat of self-pity while I have no option but to hold it together and carry on parenting?" If her perspective might differ from yours, that might be an indication of why she wants routines to stay the same.

If she is routine-fixed anyway, then you can try to draw up a plan and see if she will agree, or failing that apply to the family court for a Child Arrangements Order - she might welcome that it is a fixed timetable. And if you do, then stick to it like glue, even when it is difficult or inconvenient.

lilmishap · 20/09/2021 09:18

Every other weekend and one day a week is the norm I thought. That's what I see at the school gates anyway.

50/50 parenting isn't as common as MN seems to think it is in real life.

It's ridiculous to have contact at hers and for her to dictate what you can and can't do with your daughter. It's also very unfair on all of you as it's preventing you from moving on and creating new lives for yourselves as well as confusing for your daughter.

category12 · 20/09/2021 09:18

Probably best to ask for a gradual rise in contact, aiming for say EOW and a night in the week in a few months time, so you're not unsettling your child too much. Taking her to your place for a few hours etc.

It'll be hard for the mum to let go, so you can be compassionate about it, but she can't go on giving such minimal contact only at her place.

Original poster

Casio363 · 20/09/2021 09:21

@KarmaViolet

Hey I appreciate trying to look into it with context but no my rough patch was locking myself away from the world for a week and seeing no way out. I came out to see my daughter at every chance I could and be normal around her, she's my world and I would never not be there for her. I help out all the same, do the dishes etc if the ex is feeding her whilst I'm there, I just like to keep helping and doing what I was already doing! But yes, I can see your point if I went on a week long binge-drinking session and forgot about my kid.

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 20/09/2021 09:21

You need to make some proper contact arrangements. You seeing your daughter at her mum’s house just isn’t going to work long term, so it needs to be so that you have her on your own, even if it is just weekends or something like that.

Kanaloa · 20/09/2021 09:22

Why are you never allowed to feed her though if you’re there doing dishes? That’s a bit odd. Either way I still think you need to sort contact where you are parenting independently and not visiting at your ex’s house, it’s just not viable.

Original poster

Casio363 · 20/09/2021 09:25

@Kanaloa

I agree, I just do it anyway even if she says not to! I say I need to keep busy and I'm just helping out. Yes, you are all correct. I need to take her to mine. I'm living with my dad for now and there is no danger at all etc it's a perfectly healthy environment for her to be in surrounded by more people who love her to bits!

OP posts:

Hattie765 · 20/09/2021 09:32

You're her dad, you get equal rights. If your ex won't agree you'll need to go to court.

Hattie765 · 20/09/2021 09:34

Stop doing things round her house, it's blurring boundaries, you don't live there anymore. You need to get this sorted asap so you can take your daughter to yours and at that point you shouldn't go in her house again.

BungleandGeorge · 20/09/2021 09:34

No one on here can tell you what contact is fair without knowing the entire situation. Courts don’t just default to 50:50 they seek to maintain what a child is used to and work out the best and most sensible solution for the child. If your ex works part time and has taken on most of the childcare previously that will be taken into account. You don’t need to just accept what the ex dictates though, I’d suggest using an arbitration service initially. Always better to avoid going to court if you can. Maybe offer to start with shorter periods away and build up? Has she ever been for a sleepover anywhere? Does she have a bedroom in your dads house? Will you be getting your own place?

Original poster

Casio363 · 20/09/2021 09:36

@Hattie765

Thanks for your view on this...I did wonder, but I also wanted to keep the ex happy and our daughter too. However, it is more likely just confusing her with me popping round every now & then instead of her getting used to her coming to mine to see me. I love getting other people's insight for reasons like that.

OP posts:

BungleandGeorge · 20/09/2021 09:46

There’s no reason you can’t spend time in the exes home (which is actually your daughters only home currently?). It can actually be quite nice for the children and not much different to a grandparent visiting. Ideally both parents get along ok and don’t feel the need to keep completely separate and never enter the other home of the child. Perhaps your ex could go out and leave you to it or do something else? The problem is that it sounds like you’re not getting time with the child whilst you’re there?

Original poster

Casio363 · 20/09/2021 09:56

@BungleandGeorge

No she does leave us to it to be honest. As the others have said, I'm still there though. It's comfortable for my ex but I would also like to take her to mine. The main thing here is that the ex wants everything set in place her way with minimal disruption to the "norm". The problem is, the "norm" has now changed. For me, for her and for dd. If she doesn't like that then I think it's time for her to realise that things NEED to be different now. I really want to avoid it but if I need a legal letter to make my intentions serious then I will have to go down that route.

OP posts:

Mmmmdanone · 20/09/2021 10:03

If everything is as you say, ie you have been a good father and not in any way abusive, she is being incredibly unfair. Can you talk to her about her reasons? You have a right to much more contact and overnight stays. Contact a solicitor. Maybe you just need to tell her you are contacting a solicitor for her to understand that you are serious.
I am currently splitting from my husband, who is insistant he wants 50/50 which is definitely unreasonable in our situation. But as you are only asking for an overnight or 2 and her to be at your house I don't think she has a right to refuse. Wish my ex was like that.

Goldbar · 20/09/2021 10:03

If you've been involved in bedtime and bathtime to date and your DD has a secure relationship with you, you should be able to have her overnight. I'd ask ex either for EOW or one overnight a week.

It's a bit shitty when dads who have previously done very little parenting start demanding 50/50 shared care but that's very clearly not the case here.

Sakurami · 20/09/2021 10:13

You're her dad and should get 50/50 custody. If she doesn't agree to that, go through the courts.

For now, I would say to her that you want 50/50 so to discuss when is best. You are allowed to take her, she's your child and she won't be able to stop you.

If she doesn't want to discuss it then seek legal advice.

Mmmmdanone · 20/09/2021 10:15

He works fulll time. 50/50 not appropriate as she'd be in childcare rather than with a parent. But yes, he needs more than what he's getting.

lilmishap · 20/09/2021 10:16

@BungleandGeorge

But it isn't a grandparent visiting, It's her father trying to be a parent to her. There needs to be a separation here or why bother splitting up? At some point, they will move on and there will be other adults involved what happens then?

"I'm just popping to my exes to see my DD" and "My ex is just popping over to see DD" to a new bf/gf, isn't going to happen is it. At some point in the future this will have to stop and it will likely be sudden and unpleasant, there's also the potential for tension, resentment and arguing.

Teaching DD that Daddy can't really be trusted/isn't capable/isn't allowed to do x,y,z unless Mummy has given him clear instructions/permission isn't fair at all.

Goldbar · 20/09/2021 10:17

Parents don't have a right to 50/50 care. It depends on what is best for the child and, for such a young child, will depend on patterns of care to date.

BungleandGeorge · 20/09/2021 10:19

Presuming you go over after work an hour and a half is pretty much all the time she has, I presume your daughter is in bed when you leave? Contact during evenings is tricky with a little one, if you take her away for 2 hours will that mean that she misses her entire routine and then won’t settle? What childcare did you used to do? You mention bath time. I think you need to have a good think about what you would like and put it in writing to her. It’s perfectly ok that she only wants to speak about your daughter and if you’ve expressed a desire to restart the relationship it may be the best thing. If she doesn’t respond to the letter then think about arbitration, I think you can go through relate amongst others. Leave the confrontational legal stuff as a last resort

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