How Often Can/Should I See My Daughter?

[Casio363]

Hey forum, a few weeks back myself and the other half unfortunately called it a day on our relationship of 7 years. We didn't end it on terrible grounds, it was more of a mutual agreement that we were always bickering, arguing and that the spark was gone. I have given her space as requested but she doesn't want to speak to me about anything other than our daughter, who lives with her and is 2 years and 4 months old.

So far I have been seeing her round at her house every other evening for approximately 1hr 15 - 1hr 30 mins. I don't get to feed her anymore and bathing her is well out of the question, even though I ask almost every time as bathing her was always my role at the time - so I naturally thought it would be nice to carry this on with my daughter.

I have been calm and accepted her decision for the time-being, to let things heal and see if she would change her views. She hasn't, she is like a battle-axe at times. She kinda dictates to me what times I can see my daughter, and where. There is no way she would allow me to take her out of the house for a couple hours over to mine (I only live 2 mins drive up the road by the way), so I have respected her decision to "keep things the same for our daughter" and see her at the ex's house. I don't mind this in a way but I do feel rather dictated to.

Weekends I can see her one of the days for about 3 hours...our daughter is 2yrs and 4 months old as I said, so she still takes a 90min-2hr afternoon nap after she's had dinner. I haven't even thought about asking if I could have her for the full day and get her back in the evening for bath and bed, or even for teatime as I know my ex will flat out refuse to disrupt her routine of napping at her house. Is it unreasonable for me to now begin to think that actually I could have her for the majority of the time and to include nap, as long as our daughter does cope with and go to sleep at nap time?

Considering I live a 2 min drive away and I've kept my head and been mature about the whole breakup, when actually it was me who ended up wanting her back and now she doesn't want that...so I've been in a rough place since it happened but I am thinking very clearly and feel free again now. It's just that other people are telling me she is dictating too much and I should be able to bathe her and see her for more than 1hr 15mins during weekday visits? Especially at the weekend, to have her for the full day? I just don't want to argue with her to be honest, but I do want what is best for my daughter more than anything. I also want to see her at every opportunity, naturally.

Any further advice from you guys would be taken on board with great appreciation

@lilmishap
No it really doesn’t have to be that way if both parents are mature adults. Many manage to continue to be on friendly terms. Some exes are also friendly with new partners. And that is much better for the children if it’s possible

Confrontation and threatening legal action usually doesn’t get the best out of people in any dispute. It may be necessary if the other party continues to be unreasonable.

@BungleandGeorge

Presuming you go over after work an hour and a half is pretty much all the time she has, I presume your daughter is in bed when you leave? Contact during evenings is tricky with a little one, if you take her away for 2 hours will that mean that she misses her entire routine and then won’t settle? What childcare did you used to do? You mention bath time. I think you need to have a good think about what you would like and put it in writing to her. It’s perfectly ok that she only wants to speak about your daughter and if you’ve expressed a desire to restart the relationship it may be the best thing. If she doesn’t respond to the letter then think about arbitration, I think you can go through relate amongst others. Leave the confrontational legal stuff as a last resort

I have been starting work early to finish early (thanks to flexible employer). I get there to spend some time playing with her, and would like to feed her tea but I haven't even be "allowed" to do that recently (did it once at the very beginning of our breakup). No dd certainly isn't in bed when I leave. So I get a few hours between me finishing work and dd's teatime, then it's time for me to go. No bathtime, no bedtime story, nothing. It's heartbreaking but I've kept my emotions in check for now so there is no more pain. But it's time to challenge this now, and I will.

I used to do bathtime and brush teeth, bedtime. I would often feed her at teatime and play in between these times. I didn't do much in the morning, but I did take the ex to work, so I was always contributing in a meaningful way! Yes arbtration would be a good first step if a letter/talking still won't solve anything.

He doesn't want 50/50, they very rarely do.

What would you like op?

@TheHoneyBadger

He doesn't want 50/50, they very rarely do.

What would you like op?

I 100% would like 50/50 if I could, but as I mentioned earlier I am the one who works full-time hours and I'm back at my dads. She is still living with her parents with everything set up perfectly. I don't expect 50/50, it would be unreasonable and wouldn't make sense. I'm the breadwinner for my family regardless of what has happened. If I went 50/50 it means me going part-time which is not an option nor a clever option in our situation.

I would just like to see her for a full day at the weekend and if an overnight stay in the week is acceptable then this also. Or just a couple of short weekday visits to my dads place where I'm currently staying, to bathe her and put her to bed like I used to. This is what isn't happening right now. I'm reasonable and a realist.

[quote BungleandGeorge]@lilmishap
No it really doesn’t have to be that way if both parents are mature adults. Many manage to continue to be on friendly terms. Some exes are also friendly with new partners. And that is much better for the children if it’s possible

Confrontation and threatening legal action usually doesn’t get the best out of people in any dispute. It may be necessary if the other party continues to be unreasonable.[/quote]
But that isn't whats happening here. There is no need for it to be a confrontation except OP is convinced he will be told no if he suggests this changes.

The ex in this situation is not being reasonable in my view, 'keeping things the same' is not feasible because things are not the same and this is delaying the inevitable. It's controlling in this instance because it isn't a mutual agreement it's the OP being told to carry this on against his wishes.

It will lead to resentment.

You should work out what you actually want, work out why that's best for your daughter, and put it in writing explaining why it's in your child's interests. Do it soon, before the current set up become the new "normal". Do it in writing so there's a track record of what you wanted and why. If your ex does not agree within a few days (at most a week) then offer mediation. Get a solicitor to write to your ex putting forward your point of view.

You have parental responsibility, so of you turn up and just tell your ex that you are doing dinner, you are doing bath/bed time etc, there's really nothing she can do to stop you. Being a mother doesn't make you more of a parent.

I think you will need to get a backbone, and start being a lot firmer about what's going to be happening in the future. Either that or you'll start losing your relationship with your child.

I don't expect 50/50, it would be unreasonable and wouldn't make sense. I'm the breadwinner for my family regardless of what has happened. If I went 50/50 it means me going part-time which is not an option nor a clever option in our situation.

How do you think single parents manage? Or those on low wages? To say “I work so I can’t do it” is ridiculous. Especially as you apparently have flexi arrangements. My husband and I work full time. We could easily have a 50/50 arrangement if we split. It isn’t about working, it is about arranging your life to include childcare and realising that is actually your responsibility as a parent.

@lilmishap
The part about confrontation was in response to the suggestion of sending a solicitors letter to ask for 50:50 which I think is a really bad idea. Even more so if the OP doesn’t actually want that!
I agree it seems like it’s not fair in this situation but without both sides who knows? No compromise is ‘wrong’ just because someone else doesn’t agree or it didn’t work for them. Just doing the nice bits like playing and bath time isn’t really fair either. And the fact that the child is only 2 does present a different situation than an older child. That’s why I’d recommend arbitration if you can’t come to an amicable agreement. Put it down in writing give her a reasonable period to discuss with family/ friends and then suggest counselling. Tbh having an ex hanging around every other day is likely to start getting on her nerves and that may hasten your solution! Both of you living with parents is probably making the situation a bit harder too. If her parents are helping she perhaps doesn’t ‘need’ you to care for your daughter as much as if she was alone and trying to do everything?

The reality is that you're not going to be supporting your ex forever, assuming you do so now. Or indeed for very long. So she will have to get a job. And the maintenance you will be required to pay won't cover her childcare. So unless you do 50/50, your ex is ultimately going to have to take the hit by herself (although she may get help with childcare costs or be able to get help from relatives). One of the many reasons children of single parents often grow up economically disadvantaged. And why people aren't very sympathetic on here to the "I work so I can't have my DC" argument.

@BoredZelda

I don't expect 50/50, it would be unreasonable and wouldn't make sense. I'm the breadwinner for my family regardless of what has happened. If I went 50/50 it means me going part-time which is not an option nor a clever option in our situation.

How do you think single parents manage? Or those on low wages? To say “I work so I can’t do it” is ridiculous. Especially as you apparently have flexi arrangements. My husband and I work full time. We could easily have a 50/50 arrangement if we split. It isn’t about working, it is about arranging your life to include childcare and realising that is actually your responsibility as a parent.

Yes but we aren't on low wages and I can support still, so I choose to. I may have flexible hours to a degree, but not THAT flexible as you are insinuating. I didn't say it was all about working, you've taken my comment out of context and just attacked it. Do you really think I should give up a decent job with good hours anyway, to go 50/50 and then financially struggle to support my daughter and most likely, myself? I told you, this isn't a good choice in my life.

I dont know why youd have to move to part time hours if you had 50:50 care of your daughter. Surely you'd use childcare to cover your working hours just like everyone else.

You have odd ideas about what 50/50 care means.

Going 50/50 doesn't mean giving up your job. It means organising and paying for childcare for the time you are responsible for your child if you need to work during that time.

What if it’s not a good choice for your ex to do more than 50:50? I think what people are saying is that you can’t expect it of your ex whilst you say you don’t want to give up a decent job and pay. You are saying you want that on your own terms so both of you are being a bit unreasonable?

@Goldbar

You have odd ideas about what 50/50 care means.

Going 50/50 doesn't mean giving up your job. It means organising and paying for childcare for the time you are responsible for your child if you need to work during that time.

Ok guys I may have misunderstood this 50/50 in my position. Give me some time to read over it before I make another stupid comment.

Go to court for a formal schedule.

Working parents use childcare btw. It is perfectly possible to share equally in parenting and hold down a job.

My daughter was exactly 3 when I split with her dad and we have a 60/40 split - 4 nights with me and 3 with him but spaced out so that she's never apart from me for more than 2 nights as I've always been her primary career and she's very attached to me.

She has found it hard and often has cried for me when she's with her dad but we have persevered as it's really important that she has a strong relationship with him too. Now she's happy to go off to his for a few nights so I'm glad we did persevere.

Could you look into legal advice to see if you can get more contact?

The problem in my situation with 50/50 is, it wouldn't be what is BEST for my daughter. Say I had her for 3 days a week even, I would need to pay for childcare whilst I work. When 2 minutes down the road, her grandparents are at my exes house 24/7 and could look after her. Then my ex is only working till lunchtime each working day. It wouldn't make sense. The other way is for them to have dd until I come home from work, then she stays with me several nights a week. Again, is this what is best for her? Maybe not, and it would never end up at 50/50 I doubt anyway, 60/40 or 70/30 more likely. Then again, it is what it is now. All our lives can't be the same. I was willing to at least try again with my ex, but she won't even talk. And deep down hand on heart there is no reason for her to be this hostile! Are there any other options I'm blindly missing here?

It doesn't need to be set in stone now and then never changed. Your daughter will be starting school in a couple of years so will be out of the home anyway so you could have more overnights with her then.

I did a couple of google searches on various custody schedules by age when I was splitting with my ex - might be helpful for you to show a few potentials to your ex

I get what you are saying Op. I think some of your comments are being misinterpreted maybe.

What really matters is what's best for Dd. So if she previously stayed with your ex-in laws during the day while you worked and your ex worked, then that stays the same.

If you would usually come home at say 3pm and play/do tea bath and bed, then could your ex look at ways to accommodate that. So say 2 days a week you pick her up from home and take her to yours to play and have tea, drop her back for bath time?

I think every other weekend is the starting point for most arrangements, so you need to suggest that to your ex. You pick her up on Friday afternoon and drop her back for her bath on Sunday. Or back on Monday?

We're only seeing one side of the story here which is why I think a lot of posters are being defensive, they have been on the other side if this themselves. Most posts on here are written by posters who have had to deal with a useless, uninvolved partner/father who once they have split all of a sudden want 50:50 care without having done so much as a packed lunch for their kids.

If you've been an involved parent etc then of course this will be different.

You may find the hostility is because you have expressed a wish to try again. It’s a way of distancing. Perhaps try and make it obvious that you don’t want to get back into the relationship?

It sounds like EOW and one evening a week is where you're realistically going to end up.

I'd have a conversation at some point with your ex about what she intends to do work-wise and childcare options. Her bills may be low atm if she lives with parents and they do childcare for her, but that wouldn't be a long-term solution for most people. If she lives independently, she'll have to look at benefits and childcare help available but there will probably still be a shortfall that will need to be made up.

Another option if you work is flexible enough you take her a couple of morning a week instead? So mums time is not reduced but yours is increased? Your daughter is likely to be more receptive as she won’t be tired and you could spend some quality time together?

The fact your ex knows you’re willing to try again with your relationship will be messing with her head. She won’t know if you’re there as suitor or dc’s dad. It must be hard for her to have you in her house if she’s done with the relationship. That could be why she’s trying to not see you as much as possible.

What’s your dads house like? Are overnights even possible? Is the carpet clean? Does anyone smoke indoors there? Is there any reason why she can’t go there with you even if not overnight yet?

Does ex trust you to put dc in buggy and go for a walk round the block etc?

Could you pick dc up from ex’s parents who do childcare and return her to ex after to minimise being in ex’s house?

This sounds eerily similar to the bloke who posted last week asking for advice about how to "make" his ex miss him, after not giving her space when she asked for it and having failed to win her back with a new hairdo.

There are 5840 days in 16 yrs.
One day a week equals 832 days over the 16 yrs.
That means the parent (Father in this case) sees the child for 14% of their life.
Add another day that means 28%.

Personally, we share 50/50 and that is how it should be, any other way all things being safe and considered is quite clearly an abuse.