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Original poster

online chatting dating

74 replies

essexgirl58 · 19/09/2021 18:25

Hi I started chatting to a nice bloke online. He seems polite but obviously we have only chatted about three weeks. I have a very busy life so the last time we chatted he said when an we chat againaa so I said I am busy for the next few days but how about Sunday and he said fine ok.

My mate said se does not think he will be back online to chat because he likes me and he might think that a few days away is the brush off and she said she would be very surprised if he bothers with me again after getting the brush off because if I really liked him I would not have said I was busy.

I ama now worried that I have put him off

OP posts:
Original poster
essexgirl58 · 19/09/2021 18:27

my mate also said if a bloke she was keen on said he was busy for a few days she would not bother again and look elsewhere

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 19/09/2021 18:35

Well your friend sounds unsupportive. Does she have form for bringing you down and being a misery guts? Also, you don't owe someone you have never even met conversation every single day. It's perfectly acceptable to take a few days personal space. It's called being busy and having fecken boundaries.

That being said...sorry, but I'd assume that he is a time waster who probably only wishes to chat if he has not made any effort to meet you yet. Unless you've been putting him off because you are busy, or vice versa. But then, taking every day is getting way too invested.

I say, message him abd suggest a date. His reply will soon tell you if he is or is not interested.

As for the friend...hmm...not so sure she is your friend. Either that or she has really poor boundaries with men and you should not follow her advice on them.

Pinkbonbon · 19/09/2021 18:43

Tbf he is just a rando off the Internet atm lol.
So he may well look elsewhere. You both can though because you haven't even met yet and don't owe eachother a thing.

But personally if I liked talking to someone and they said 'hey, I'm gonna be afk for a few days, I'm not vanishing I'm just really busy' I would say 'fair enough' and wait to see if they got back in touch again with me when they were free. I wouldn't drop them. But I'd let them be the one to chase things up.

TheFoundations · 19/09/2021 18:52

I think that the fact you're worried about putting someone off with something this basic is a worry. What about when you're actually dating someone? How will you cope with relationship conversations, when you're discovering whether you are compatible, and how compatible you are? How will you be able to be yourself, if you're main objective is 'Not putting the other person off'?

Your perspective needs to be about what you like, not about what he's like.

So, in this situation, you being you may or may not put him off. And if it does, you can say 'Well, anybody who gets put off me by something so basic is DEFINITELY not the guy for me!', and move on to the next person, confident that your filter is filtering out the non-compatibles.

It sounds like your friend thinks that there is a right and a wrong about how often people should be in touch. The truth is, there are no rules. One couple might need to be in touch every 5 minutes, another couple might prefer once every 5 weeks. Either is perfectly fine, as long as it's making both parties happy.

Tell your friend she's not the expert on your relationships that she thinks she is, and you'll be making your own decisions about how to communicate with your dates. Not everybody does things just like she does.

Original poster
essexgirl58 · 19/09/2021 18:55

my friend says that if the bloke really likes me and I say oh I will chat in a few days time as I am a bit busy, he might think I am trying to tell him I am not that keen on him because if I was then I would be chatting every other day. If you think about it, if you are keen on someone you want to spend time with them. I do like him but its very early days

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 19/09/2021 19:17

But op: you've.never.even.met.him.

Yes, it is possible he might think that one possibility I'd that you aren't that into him, but then when you message him in a few days again, he will realise that is not the case surely? So what the big deal?

Honestly op you do sound a bit over invested in this guy. Who cares what he thinks! He is an online random! As pp said, if he takes issue with you not messaging for a few days then he isn't the one for you anyway.

And what is the alternative? You having to message people even when you are busy or don't want to? Yeah...enjoy entering a controlling relationship where you aren't allowed to have boundaries then!

Are you new to the dating scene?

TheFoundations · 19/09/2021 19:25

@essexgirl58

my friend says that if the bloke really likes me and I say oh I will chat in a few days time as I am a bit busy, he might think I am trying to tell him I am not that keen on him because if I was then I would be chatting every other day. If you think about it, if you are keen on someone you want to spend time with them. I do like him but its very early days
Yeah, he might think that. Just like when you tell him you eat meat, he might say he only dates veggies. Or when you tell him you're a night owl, he might tell you he's an early bird, so the relationship won't work.

You are not compatible with most men. That's just how it is. Everybody you date won't be 'the one', until you date 'the one'. It's the same as how a lost thing is always in the last place you look.

You find people you are compatible with by filtering out those who are not. Your friend's way of thinking is to change yourself so that you can pretend to someone that you are compatible with them. That's not how to get a happy relationship. That's how to get a relationship where the other person doesn't know you, and you're continually scared that if they did know the real you, they wouldn't like you.

dearmrpresident · 19/09/2021 19:33

why haven’t you arranged to meet him?

Original poster
essexgirl58 · 19/09/2021 22:21

@dearmrpresident

why haven’t you arranged to meet him?
Because it takes two to tango. I said the other day where do you see these chats going? He said well if we continue to chat and get on then we will progress to speaking on the telephone. I was ok with that. Then as I said in my first post, I have been very busy and said i could not chat for a few days and we agreed to chat this evening in the chat site. He has not shown up all evening. It is getting late so he wont come in now, but if I see him in the chat during the week I am going to ask what happened when we both agreed to chat tonight. Also he sent me one photo of himself. I have sent him three of me so I said to him its only fair that he sends me one or two more of him since I have sent him three of me. He said I will sort some out but they are on my other computer and I will get them to you next time we chat. He wanted to do this on Monday because we last chatted on Sunday but I could not make it due to some prior arrangements and then as I said I was going to be busy so I said today the following Sunday and he said thats fine and he has not bloody shown up
OP posts:
Original poster
essexgirl58 · 19/09/2021 22:23

@dearmrpresident

why haven’t you arranged to meet him?
im going to have to lay my cards on the table an say you either like me or you dont so lets chat on the phone and if you say we should continue chatting for xxx amount of more days then im off

Lets see what he says to that

OP posts:
Original poster
essexgirl58 · 19/09/2021 22:24

I am not about to be played and he keeps saying how nice I am and that I am the best woman on the site and he only comes to chat with me. They why is he not bloody well chatting with me tonight

OP posts:
Faevern · 19/09/2021 22:26

Have you not chatted for a week?

Getbehindme · 19/09/2021 22:40

Maybe he's busy? 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
essexgirl58 · 19/09/2021 22:42

@Faevern

Have you not chatted for a week?
yes we have not chatted for a week but I was perectly willing and able to chat tonight for a couple of hours and he agreed but he has not shown.

I hope there is a good reason. I did chat to someone else wo did not show up for two weeks but that was ok because I did not want to take it any further and when I saw him again he said he had been hospitlised with Covid

OP posts:
wobblywinelover · 19/09/2021 22:45

He's stringing you along OP sorry, I would ditch him before he has any more plans to play more games with you. You snooze you lose is a phrase which comes to mind. He's probably got several on the go, this is more common than what you think - and I mean that with kindness

Getbehindme · 19/09/2021 23:11

I would listen to every word The Foundations has to say.

Pinkbonbon · 19/09/2021 23:15

Your wasting your time with him op.

He either wants to meet you or he doesn't. None of this 'in stage progress to telephone if you meet my standards' bs. Why the fuck are you going ong with that?

You want to date. Not a pen pal or a phone friend.

Sack him off. He's a bullshit merchant.

Original poster
essexgirl58 · 19/09/2021 23:16

@wobblywinelover

He's stringing you along OP sorry, I would ditch him before he has any more plans to play more games with you. You snooze you lose is a phrase which comes to mind. He's probably got several on the go, this is more common than what you think - and I mean that with kindness
can you explain how you say he is stringing me along? Is it because he did not show up tonight?
OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 19/09/2021 23:20

*going along.

In future, within 3 conversations (say, 1 week max of talking) if they have not asked you out: you ask them out. If they umm amd aww and make excuses or if they say they cant on that day but don't suggest a specific alternative day - don't waste any more time on them. Because they are there for an ego stroke, not to date.

dearmrpresident · 19/09/2021 23:23

you’re wasting your own time here OP

TheFoundations · 19/09/2021 23:24

He's stood you up.

Stop playing games and trying to put him on the spot/pass him the responsibility. If he wanted to talk to you, he would have instigated talking to you. If you wanted to talk to him, you would have instigated it. No healthy relationship starts with the 'It takes two to tango' test of whether the other person gives enough of a crap.

You're dating. Work out what you want, and walk away from anybody who can't give it to you. Be yourself, and if that meets their needs, they won't walk away from you. Stop complicating everything with what people 'should' be doing, and the 'good reasons' for why they don't do it.

JordieLass · 20/09/2021 00:09

Dating means actually meeting. 3 weeks is too much time to waffle. Next time just meet & see if there’s a real connection.

Original poster
essexgirl58 · 20/09/2021 00:22

@TheFoundations

He's stood you up.

Stop playing games and trying to put him on the spot/pass him the responsibility. If he wanted to talk to you, he would have instigated talking to you. If you wanted to talk to him, you would have instigated it. No healthy relationship starts with the 'It takes two to tango' test of whether the other person gives enough of a crap.

You're dating. Work out what you want, and walk away from anybody who can't give it to you. Be yourself, and if that meets their needs, they won't walk away from you. Stop complicating everything with what people 'should' be doing, and the 'good reasons' for why they don't do it.

I guess so. I am not ready to give up on him yet so if I se him during the week, then we will have an honest chat, not about the weather etc but about what we are both looking for; He said he would like to find a wife. I have said nothing so its time for me to be more honest an open and say I like you and I woul like to give this a go and see what he says
OP posts:
Macaroni46 · 20/09/2021 00:24

Tbh OP if you can only manage to chat once a week I'm not sure you're cut out for OLD. If I was talking to someone on OLD and they said they couldn't chat again for a week I'd be long gone!
I also wouldn't get hung up on number of photos exchanged but I do agree with other posters that no date after 3 weeks is a waste of time!

DuchessOfDisaster · 20/09/2021 00:27

@Getbehindme

I would listen to every word The Foundations has to say.
TheFoundations is a brilliant poster with amazing, realistic advice.