Relationship between DH and MIL weird

[readingbored]

I have posted on the topic before but I am at my wits end with my DH and MIL again.

My DH came home with roses for me last week amd said they wrere an early anniversary present. A few days later when MIL was here and saw my roses she was gushing about how lovely her identical roses were.

This week my husband is taking his mum to two places I consider date night places we go to together - a nice music classical festival where you dress up, and a lido/ spa and restaurant.

Frankly I am creeped out about it.

I don’t want to be treated same as my MIL. It takes romance away.

The issue is how to raise this with my DH.

Only two weeks ago we had a raging argument in which he said I sickened him as I dared to criticise his mum - I and DH had Covid and we needed help to get daughters to school who had had multiple neg tests. She lives 5 mins away. She said she was going to my SILs and refused to change her trip by 2 days to help us. Neither she nor SIL work amd dates could have been changed. Then my SIL also got Covid so trip was off, but for all isolation she offered no help with anything. She didn’t even ask how I was and sent a random WhatsApp from the beach bragging about that day trip without asking how we all were. I said her behaviour was unreasonable to my DH but he worships her as though she is a saint and said she’s does loads for us which is simply untrue. He does lots of jobs to help her all the time though - she even starts asking for help at midnight when we have come back from date night on the rare occasion she might babysit.

So I am terrified of raising the issue but equally grossed out appalled and angry about it all

Any advice welcome

I think you are the one being unreasonable. Nothing unreasonable about DH or MIL that I can see, other than you are unable to control them the way you want to

@Orangejuicemarathoner

Oh
My
Heavens!

Yuk it's gross. I wouldn't like it either.

You have written about him before and at length and nothing has changed. You can only change how you react to them and this is also what I wrote to you previously:-

The only way this will improve is for you to remove yourself entirely from it. Neither will change or will listen and you need to completely revisit your boundaries. You think that improving one (MIL) will affect the other, that is not so. This is who they are and getting someone else to change their behaviour is an exercise in futility (its hard enough to even change one aspect of your own behaviour).

He is basically a carbon copy of his mother (and I note her late H did everything for her too). What you're also forgetting here is that they do this because they can and it works for them. Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

He obviously sees you and MIL and women and that's that. In the pecking order though you come waaaayyyy down the list. The fact that you cannot speak your mind about her without getting in to an argument says alot.

*As

You are really the other woman here in your own marriage; there are three of you in this. And your H is completely enmeshed with his own mother. Their relationship is unhealthy too.

You have children; what are they also learning from you about relationships here?. Is this relationship really how you want to continue through life?.

Yeah, that's weird. Not sure I would mind if on one occasion my DH bought me and his mum roses, but if he was always treating us the same - then I agree it would remove any romantic connotation for me.

It's nice that he's spending time with her, especially (assuming) as she's on her own, but I can see why it would annoy you if he's taking her to places you'd like to go, instead of taking you.

I wouldn't have expected someone to change their trip away by 2 days by the way... it would have been nice if she had (and I would have for my GC) but not sure it's reasonable to be angry about that.

I think the problem might be that your DH idolises her, so you take the opposite view out of irritation and so your DH defends her, so you get more irritated etc etc. The result is your MIL drives a wedge between you and DH (whether she intends to or not).

If you don't want that to happen, you will have to make efforts to build bridges between your DH and you. If you stop criticising his mum then he won't need to defend her. He might even start to see some of the unreasonable stuff himself... At the moment, he feels the need to defend her against you so won't see the bad stuff himself.

Build bridges, get you back to being a couple, an item, a united front. Both supporting his mum who is on her own. The stonger your relationship is with DH, the less threatened and irritated you'll feel by his MIL.

.

I think you're unreasonable about the Covid thing and about the music event.

I don't think you're unreasonable of the roses and the spa.

I do think if you bring up the roses he'll just tell you that he won't bother doing nice things in the future though.

I’m nit sure why you are grossed out about it unless you think there’s more going on between them which would just be sick.

Some people have no relationship with their parents and some are extremely close to them. Unfortunately for you it’s not going to change so you either need to put up with it or leave.

You’ve made half a dozen posts about your DH and his mum, but don’t seem to be taking any of the responses on board. This has been going on for years. I’m not quite sure what you want here, OP.

Is that more backstory?
I just don't understand how you got married without noticing this. There must be more to it...

My MIL does sometimes do creepy stuff where she treats my DH like he is her husband... tries to train him to do husband 'caring' type stuff for her and spends a lot of time generally hugging/rubbing/hanging off of him 🤮🤮🤮

My DH knows it is creepy and wierd
though!

Sounds like your DH and his mum both like it so honestly the situation is not going to change...

Backstory: Hi father was alive when we got married. He was a mamas boy to an extent then but I think I and my family thought it would stop once we got married. It’s been worse since his father died.

She will call him my baby boy and speak to him like he’s still a child st home. He was a “miracle” after a number of miscarriages and then in her eyes a perfect child as he never even as a teen said boo to a goose or argued with his parents, unlike his adopted sister, who is fine, but always treated as a bad person as she dared to question her mum. Her house is full of things he achieved as a kid and she goes on about when he did this or that all the time. Nice to be proud, but they way she does it is really over the top.

I don’t think he should be a proxy for a husband. She should go out with her friends more.

I think pub lunch, theatre, sports event, shopping ok. Spa, black tie concert and party night, roses and other date type stuff not ok. Also doing more or better stuff with her also not ok, which has also happened in the past. I should be made to feel special as a wife, not the same as his mum. I wouldnt go to spa and candlelit dinner with my dad, as it’s something to do with a partner.

It’s that she expects so much from him but doesn’t reciprocate with help.

He doesn’t see doing date type stuff with her as weird. That’s the issue.

I might have missed a massive back story. But buying your mum some flowers and going for dinner/concert with her is nice.

But clearly there is much more to this.

You don’t need any reason to leave other than you’re unhappy. If you are. You don’t change people. Ever

@readingbored

He doesn’t see doing date type stuff with her as weird. That’s the issue.

That's fine - he doesn't view the activities in the same way you do.

Does he acknowledge he doesn't make enough effort with you?

If she was going to the spa with her daughter would you be 'grossed out'? My dsis and I are taking our dm to a spa, is that weird and gross?

i am not sure with this one.

I do remember my DH in the early years feeling the need to treat me and his mother the same and it was uncomfortable. I tipped over at christmas a few years ago when he got me and his mother a small black purse style bag and some chocolates. Identical...the bag wasnt my style and I wasnt interested in morphing into his mum. It was made worse as earlier in the year we had our first baby and we went clothes shopping for me and he was picking out items his mum would wear. For context I was a old clubber and would happily hang out in jeans and trainers. Dress up was for going out. He picked out outfits his mum would wear, long skirts with a top too match. I always remember the shopping trip as i was in the midst of sleep deprivation and i came home with a wardrobe i would never wear. Those outfits sit in my wardrobe and have never been worn. I snapped out of that and told him to cut the umbilical and that me and his mum were not one in the same. Funny enough when he started understanding that and making an effort with me she didnt like it!

I’m not seeing the issue with the spa or concert, unless he never goes with you to similar things that you’d like. But then, I don’t really consider them “date” type events.

The identical flowers would irritate me.

But there’s clearly some kind of backstory here.

He won’t change his way of thinking, so you will have to change yours.

Well, he clearly won't change, she won't change, so if you want change its going to have to come from you.
If you cannot live like this then you need to say so, say why, say how it creeps you out and leave.

Mummy's boys are deeply unattractive imo. A close and loving relationship - great. I wish all parent + adult offspring relationships were close, loving, happy and healthy
But when you've got something that feels to you like Jocasta complex and you feel like you're an intruder in their relationship there's no coming back from that. Whether what you feel is the actual situation or not, it's how you feel.

Why did your parents and you believe that your now H would stop being a mummy’s boy once you married him?. You were poorly advised here by them at the very least.

I honestly think it's you who is unreasonable. The covid thing...she obviously didn't want to take the risk of catching it. Perfectly reasonable.

The 'dates' for his mum. I actually think is quite sweet, he's looking out for her after the death of his dad. Your husband sounds lovely. I think try to change your mindset. If you were widowed wouldn't you like your son to take you places? Yes she should also see friends, but he's her family. I don't think the spa is weird either...if she went with her daughter I don't think you would bat an eyelid.

Do you dislike her? If so I can see why it would grate on you. But otherwise I can't see the issue

I think your unreasonable its like when a son marries a woman his mother who raised him longer matters. The poor woman lost her husband you wouldn't batter an eyelid if a daughter did those things so why not a son you sound treated and jealous of her. I don't blame her about the covid the kids could home school why should she be put at risk. I think its lovely he bought you some flowers then thought of his poor widowed mother. She no longer has a partner to do these things. I hope he sees the light and leaves.

I remember your previous threads OP. They are all the same, with slightly different slants. I’m pretty sure that last time you mentioned how abusive and controlling he is.

Every time posters tell you to leave him because he is the problem and he will never change. You get annoyed and say “ No I want to change my MIL instead “.

Then you come back a year later and nothing is different .

You can’t change either of them because they don’t want to. They are happy the way they are - it’s only you who has a problem.

How many more years of your life are you going to waste in this unhappy and abusive marriage ?