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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship between DH and MIL weird

52 replies

readingbored · 19/09/2021 16:07

I have posted on the topic before but I am at my wits end with my DH and MIL again.

My DH came home with roses for me last week amd said they wrere an early anniversary present. A few days later when MIL was here and saw my roses she was gushing about how lovely her identical roses were.

This week my husband is taking his mum to two places I consider date night places we go to together - a nice music classical festival where you dress up, and a lido/ spa and restaurant.

Frankly I am creeped out about it.

I don’t want to be treated same as my MIL. It takes romance away.

The issue is how to raise this with my DH.

Only two weeks ago we had a raging argument in which he said I sickened him as I dared to criticise his mum - I and DH had Covid and we needed help to get daughters to school who had had multiple neg tests. She lives 5 mins away. She said she was going to my SILs and refused to change her trip by 2 days to help us. Neither she nor SIL work amd dates could have been changed. Then my SIL also got Covid so trip was off, but for all isolation she offered no help with anything. She didn’t even ask how I was and sent a random WhatsApp from the beach bragging about that day trip without asking how we all were. I said her behaviour was unreasonable to my DH but he worships her as though she is a saint and said she’s does loads for us which is simply untrue. He does lots of jobs to help her all the time though - she even starts asking for help at midnight when we have come back from date night on the rare occasion she might babysit.

So I am terrified of raising the issue but equally grossed out appalled and angry about it all

Any advice welcome

OP posts:
Blackbird2020 · 19/09/2021 21:15

It sounds like you made a mistake marrying him. You made a call that was wrong, he didn’t change after he married you.

I’ve not read your previous threads but it sounds like you’re fundamentally incompatible. Why limp on like this until you’re dead and gone? You’ll waste years and years on Mumsnet complaining about him Grin

Accept him for who he is, or leave him.

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 19/09/2021 21:23

I don't know how anyone isn't creeped out by this
If he bought her flowers on her birthday, Xmas any other time then fine
The issue as far as I can see it is that if you, as his wife, get something then she gets the same. That is grim

Original poster
readingbored · 19/09/2021 22:10

Correct. I don’t want the same gifts, same outings, same places to go to. Somethings need to be just ours.

He bought two lido tickets one for us one for him and his mum. He booked two dates and said we could go either. I pointed out I’d prefer to go the second date as it’s our wedding anniversary, and not only is she infiltrating a place I consider I like to go with him as a couple and it’s one of our places, I don’t think it would be great him sitting in the hot tub with his mum on our wedding anniversary.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 20/09/2021 00:14

But, @readingbored, what are you going to do about it,?

Limejuiceandrum · 20/09/2021 00:24

You are literally flogging the biggest horse known to mankind. But it’s your life to waste I guess

Onthedunes · 20/09/2021 00:36

Hand him back to her, they can have all the hot tub dates they want.

Although some of the pp's on here think it's sweet, I don't think that level of intrusion in a childs marriage is healthy.
The mother should be showing that her son should be puting his wife first.

She's not going to change though, it's quite narcisistic, I bet she gets such a buzz from this.

Does anybody actually know of any man that does this, to this extent.

No, send Norman Bates back.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 20/09/2021 00:38

I put my foot down with DH about his mum in the early days of our relationship. I told him that I need to be the first to know anything important and not her, it is not normal for your mum to ring you at work multiple times a day and every night and if he wants to ever have a relationship that works then he needs to seriously change the dynamics with his mum.

Fortunately for us both he could see the sense in that. I don't think he ever sat her down and told her but he did put boundaries on and just was less available to her and made sure to put me first. He was quite happy to do that. She has a number of other adult children and a husband so she is not lonely or dependent she just liked monopolising him.

Many years on I am now fairly happy for him to take her out on her own occasionally because it means I don't have to go too! I leave them some time together when she visits. I am secure to do that because I know his first loyalty is to me.

If he doesn't see this is a problem then I am really not sure what you can do but it definitely isn't normal to treat your wife and your mum just the same.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 20/09/2021 00:45

Essentially you'll never change her. It would have to be him who changed his behaviour

onanotherday · 20/09/2021 00:47

OP you keep listing things that OH does that upset you.
But what are you going to do about it? Obviously OH and MIL will.not change so you.have two options stay or leave the marriage.

Sorry if that sounds unkind..but as others have said you can't change their behaviour

WhoIsPepeSilva · 20/09/2021 03:39

This is a very dysfunctional dynamic and has an extremely creepy vibe.

Do you think she calls him away to help after date nights to prevent you from being intimate?

Buying you flowers for an ostensible "romantic" reason whilst doing the exact same for his mum on the same day is creepy.

It's nice they do things together and tbh without the other stuff spa days and dress up concerts probably wouldn't stand out so much.

With everything together if you put it down on paper and removed their mother and son titles, it does sound as though they are in a romantic relationship. Are they touchy feely too coz that would have me running a mile frankly.

The difference in the way your DH and his DSIS are treated is awful, very golden child and black sheep vibes there.

There's a difference in a loving son or daughter looking out for a widowed parent and, as you say, treating your child as a proxy husband.

That he is so aggressively protective of her and has a view of all of your relationships that is so out of whack to the reality of it is massively concerning. It's 2 against 1 and if neither of them are even open to a discussion you have no way to even voice your (very reasonable) discomfort and so you must put up and shut up.

It's a bit Oedipal Envy

Seafog · 20/09/2021 03:56

If you aren't willing to change things, why do you expect it to change?

starrynight21 · 20/09/2021 04:00

This is creepy. My son is an adult / married and a father ....He and I are as close as can be . But we never go on "dates" and I certainly would never imagine him treating me better than his wife. You've got a DH problem !

itsgettingwierd · 20/09/2021 04:12

@readingbored

He doesn’t see doing date type stuff with her as weird. That’s the issue.
He doesn't see them as date type activities.

In fact as much as you do those days or nights out aren't my idea if fun and I'd rather DH took his mum if he wanted to go!

You say his sister is 2nd fiddle but yet also complain she won't change trip to her for you.

They are obviously closer than some parent and child but it seems more you're jealous of their relationship than there is anything particularly wrong with it.

buttercup1001 · 20/09/2021 19:49

He's a mammy's boy

buttercup1001 · 20/09/2021 19:50

Can someone explain y every time I post on a thread my post is purple? And everyone else is plain white?

RunningStrong · 20/09/2021 19:53

I think there are two issues here.

"Dating" his mother is strange, I agree although I guess it not new and is unlikely to change.

Your expectations of how much she should help do seem unreasonable.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/09/2021 20:00

I’ve missed the previous threads but you’ve obviously had a lot of similar advice and rather than taking it on board you’re perpetuating a situation you know won’t change.

Post as often as you like about whatever you like but nothing will change unless you do because the status quo suits them.

I imagine ranting on here makes you feel better for an evening but not for long. It won’t. Your husband is weird and not a fully formed independent adult, you know that, so either leave him or accept it.

buttercup1001 · 20/09/2021 20:01

He hasn't grown up yet or maybe he just likes spoiling his mum.

rosabug · 20/09/2021 20:04

@readingbored

Backstory: Hi father was alive when we got married. He was a mamas boy to an extent then but I think I and my family thought it would stop once we got married. It’s been worse since his father died.

She will call him my baby boy and speak to him like he’s still a child st home. He was a “miracle” after a number of miscarriages and then in her eyes a perfect child as he never even as a teen said boo to a goose or argued with his parents, unlike his adopted sister, who is fine, but always treated as a bad person as she dared to question her mum. Her house is full of things he achieved as a kid and she goes on about when he did this or that all the time. Nice to be proud, but they way she does it is really over the top.

I don’t think he should be a proxy for a husband. She should go out with her friends more.

I think pub lunch, theatre, sports event, shopping ok. Spa, black tie concert and party night, roses and other date type stuff not ok. Also doing more or better stuff with her also not ok, which has also happened in the past. I should be made to feel special as a wife, not the same as his mum. I wouldnt go to spa and candlelit dinner with my dad, as it’s something to do with a partner.

It’s that she expects so much from him but doesn’t reciprocate with help.

"He was a mamas boy" - horrible Daily Mail expression. What an earth do people mean when they say this?

"I should be made to feel special as a wife, not the same as his mum" - not sure why it has to be one or the other. I think he might have married someone just like his mother!

....and finally - trying to gain control over a partners relationship to their family is a hiding to nothing.

TheChip · 20/09/2021 20:08

You either accept things as they are, or you take the leap and move on.

buttercup1001 · 20/09/2021 20:10

I don't know if it's wierd or your looking in to it to much

Moonface123 · 20/09/2021 20:22

I think the fact she is a widow, he probably feels sorry for her. He does these things to cheer her up. He probably thinks his Dad would be pleased he is looking after his mum.
My late husband wasn't close to his mum, after 20 year marriage l only ever met her at his funeral, no contact since. Seeing how she cried for him at the funeral made me realise what a waste, so l don't find this weird.
I have found a lot of jealousy around mother and son relationships, daughters are allowed to have close relationships with their Mums, but they don't like their husbands or partners to enjoy the same. A lot of it is down to insecurity.

HunkyPunk · 20/09/2021 20:28

@buttercup1001

Can someone explain y every time I post on a thread my post is purple? And everyone else is plain white?
You can make your own posts a different colour so they stand out (because MNers love to scroll quickly through everyone else’s boring posts in order to find and gaze lovingly at their own!) You must have opted to do this at some point?
buttercup1001 · 20/09/2021 20:29

Some people just have that kind of relationship with there mum people are brought up differently.

buttercup1001 · 20/09/2021 22:31

Hunkypunk I am not sure I remember doing it lol but I like purple so shall keep it unsure how I did it though haha.