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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does anyone else DP think its morally wrong to change his daughters nappy or bath her? but not his sons??

64 replies

AlixLeah · 05/12/2007 12:58

my fiance has 2 children with his ex (hes a bit older than me) weve been together two years and now have a wonderful daughter. he never changed his otehr daughters nappys but changed his sons and he says he feels its morally wrong for him to change and bath our daughter as shes a girl only problem is it means its always me doing it and i get up all thru the night he never has and im worn out, any advise??

OP posts:
KittyLetteItSnow · 05/12/2007 12:59

Thats so odd, why would he not want to change his daughters nappy?!

KittyLetteItSnow · 05/12/2007 13:00

'morally wrong?'

FairyMum · 05/12/2007 13:00

creepy to even think like that I think

PrincessSnowLife · 05/12/2007 13:01

huh??

CountessDracula · 05/12/2007 13:01

is it the school holidays already

Camillathechicken · 05/12/2007 13:02

morally wrong is very strong. if you had a boy, would he not want you to change his nappy?

implies that there is something wrong about a father seeing his daughters genitalia in normal circumstances.

he has a very skewed view of things.

if he won;t do nappies, then make sure he helps in other ways!

KittyLetteItSnow · 05/12/2007 13:03

If you are genuine I would be concerned as to why my partner would feel its wrong to change his daughters nappy.

Thinking 'its wrong' is just wrong IMO.

CherryCupcake · 05/12/2007 13:04

I have a friend who recently had a daughter and her partner always said he would play with her and feed her etc but not bath her or do her nappy as "a dad just doesnt go there" I think its pathetic myself and either:

They're sick for even thinking like that or
They're making excuses to get out of the work

Kathyis6incheshigh · 05/12/2007 13:05

Highly convenient for him, I'd say.
No, of course it's not morally wrong.

I do know someone at work who has problems with his FIL over this issue - friend is a British Sikh and his wife is from a village in India. When FIL visits he won't let my friend bathe or change his own daughter, which friend thinks is loopy. Is there a religious/cultural context here AlixLeah?

walkinginaWILKIEwonderland · 05/12/2007 13:06

I agree with other posters - it is weird to think it's wrong. Very bizarre

My sis and I used to jump in the bath with my dad when we were little. Where has the innocence gone today?????????

stockingfiller · 05/12/2007 13:08

dp doesnt like doing these things to dd either so i get to do most of the bathing nappy changes, i dont think he is comfortable doing these as he is very competant at doing them.

coldtits · 05/12/2007 13:09

He's being lazy. My dad cared for me almost singlehandedly when I was a baby, and guess what? Nobody arrested him for being a pervert, and I didn't get molested

He has obviously found a way to squirm out of any of the donkey work of parenting - it could be he tried this on his boys' mother and she told him to fuck off.

A good solution would be to ask your health visitor to come while he is there, and ask her outright "Is it morally wrong for a dad to change his daughter's nappy of give her a bath?" She will say no, then the only thing you will have to do is find a way to deal with his next weak excuse.

deckthehallswithFEETofTIGERs · 05/12/2007 13:13

What a strange pov to hold

If he hadn't previously changed/bathed his son then I would think that perhaps it was a plot to get out of doing it.

dh has never thought twice and neither have any of the other fathers of daughters I know.

Tell him to bloody well get on with it. There is no moral issue there at all unless there is a religous/cultural objection.

OrmIrian · 05/12/2007 13:13

Odd! I do know a woman who wouldn'tfound it change or bathe her baby son. She's seperated from her H now so I guess she's had to since then

deckthehallswithFEETofTIGERs · 05/12/2007 13:14

plot should be ploy but plot works just as well I suppose

Original poster
AlixLeah · 05/12/2007 13:14

i think theres something deep hes not telling me he had a hard past maybe something happened to him as a child im not sure. altho he does play with her and feed her and changed her clothes and put her to bed etc he just wont change her nappy or bath her

OP posts:
bohemianbint · 05/12/2007 13:16

Wow, how sad. What would lone fathers of daughters do?

deckthehallswithFEETofTIGERs · 05/12/2007 13:18

It seems very unfair on you, regardless of the reason.

It means you are in a position where you can never leave him alone with his dd. What if you are ever hospitalised or need/want to go away by yourself for a couple of days? He would have to do it then. Or would he palm your dd off on someone else on the pretext that he can't change her nappy?

If there is an underlying problem he needs to get it addressed.

Hulababy · 05/12/2007 13:19

Of course it is not wrong for a daddy to change his daughter's nappy/bathe her.

slim22 · 05/12/2007 13:20

What cherrycupcake said.

_ looking for an excuse to do F* all
or

  • Needs to address this issue with a psychoanalyst
Notyummy · 05/12/2007 13:22

Very sad,and something definitely worth working through. A lot of research shows that a key part of young girls self-image and self-esteem come from their relationships with their fathers (particularly how they relate to men themselves) so it would be beneficial to all of you to sort this out. My dh (who comes from quite a damaged background of family relationships through abuse) has always changed nappies/bathed dd. He often has baths with her. My dad used to have baths with me until I was about 7ish and we used to have loads of fun playing battleships with the toys in the bath!

What a loss.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/12/2007 13:32

Nope. Seems like your DP has problems.

Original poster
AlixLeah · 05/12/2007 13:45

he apparently had a bath with his other daughter once wen she was 1 and his ex was bein funny and trying to make her grab his bits n pieces. i think that may be where it stems from. it made him very uncomfertable. he said he wudnt let our daughter have a dirty nappy if i wasnt around he would hav to do it for her sake but it makes him uncomfertable

OP posts:
slim22 · 05/12/2007 13:50

Well I say it's a good thing he's being totally honest with you. Next step is to convince him to seek professional guidance because these sort of thoughts don't just fade, they tend to become more obsessive.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 05/12/2007 13:52

It sounds like he thinks too much. I think you need to get him to do a really stinky one with poo spread all over the place, as he'll be too busy trying to cope with the poo to find time to have Disturbing Thoughts.

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